What are marriage deal breakers?

[dayknee]

Infidelity aside, what would any of you consider breaking marriage vows?

I'm asking what any one of you would consider broken marriage vows. Examples; emotional abuse, porn, verbal abuse, physical abuse, drugs, stealing, lying.

And would you consider these as possible reasons for divorce?

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

Infidelity, of course, abuse of any kind (emotional, physical), porn, emotional affair- those are the big ones. Drug abuse/alcoholism could also be a deal breaker.

 

[Canuckmom]

The only Biblical reason for divorce is adultery. That could include porn. It takes two to make or break a marriage - if there is verbal or physical abuse what started it? If my life was threatened, it would be my duty to move to safety, but still the only reason for divorce is unfaithfulness.

 

[janny108]

I agree a lot of marriage issues can be fixed if both parties are willing. I think more often than not, people get divorced because of selfishness; no one wants to give up__ or no one wants to start______. Too many people want to do their own thing regardless. I know this may be hard to bear, but this is a christian message board too.

I also agree the reasons of other posters are grounds for divorce.

Jan

 

[dayknee]

Thanks for your responses you guys.
I want to re-state that aside from infidelity being grounds for divorce, which I am aware of, I am basically wondering if anyone would divorce, christian or not, biblical or not, over any of the other reasons I listed.

 

[~Nikki~]

None - I don't believe in divorce for *any* reason, not even infidelity.

I might separate if mine or my childrens' lives were in danger, but would not divorce.

 

[arizonasunset]

i personally was hurt badly through the beliefs of believers over this subject.

the views of the church and attenders made me feel as if i were the horrible sinner who had not done enough to move the Holy Spirit through the man's heart to stop him from the abuse and the constant infidelity.

how people viewed me and treated me at church was uncomfortable....then i sought help from another church.

this church showed me a different approach to the situation. this approach i present when dealing with anyone who is in the situation i was.

confront- with professional councelors confront the behavior of infedelity, alcohol/drugs, gambling, pornogrophy, ect.

seperate- move into seperate locations and begin working on each individual through and with professional help... possibly bringing them together every now and then......or wait until enough healing has happened to bring them together to begin marriage conceling

move the couple back in together after solid effects from indiviual and mariiage thereapy has been made and continue marriage counceling until the relationship is strong and stable.

this did not work out in my case....my ex-husband refused all these things....he liked our churches view on how i should handle the marriage. however it does have a very high success rate. i have seen this process work and actually bring marriages to a brighter vibrancy than it was in the beginning.

the church i attended spoke these words to me:

"YOU pray for him."

"YOU pray unceasingly for the Lord to soften, change....his heart."

"YOU let God do the work and don't interferre."

"YOU..divorce is the greatest sin you will committ therefore be faithful no matter what he does to you or your children."

"YOU be the model and example to him...be as Christ was an example to us."

"YOU remain faithful to him."

"YOU submit to his decisions.. he is the head of the house...YOU must accept and obey."

"YOU...just keep praying."

"YOU accept the consequences of his actions and praise the Lord for it."

"if YOU continue to take your children to church, bring them up on the foundation of Scripture....then the sins of the father will not fall upon them. .....ect."

this messed with my head and honestly sometimes still does.

i'm not trying to bash on anyone here....usually i keep quiet on this subject...i don't mean to offend anyone.

keep on keepin' in Him!

 

[fuzzymel]

For us it would be if he decided he wanted children. I wouldn't want to deny him the chance if that is what he wanted so we would split.

 

[Speculative]

The only things I would divorce over would be infidelity or abuse.

Even if I experienced these things I would still see if there would be a way to work towards some kind of reconciliation. Of course, if I were in any kind of real danger from abuse, I would separate until I knew it was safe.

I wouldn't hold anyone else to this standard. This is just the standard to which I hold myself. However, I do believe that we give up far too easily on marriage in Western society.

 

[ADeoRex]

I'm really sorry AZsunset that you went through all that. It makes me sad that you were treated like the problem instead of your husband. I hope things are better for you now and you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[clycleader]

I think for me the only deal breakers would be abuse (if I or my son were in physical danger) or infidelity. I just don't see how I could ever trust again after either of those. I would seperate first and go through Christian counseling, but it would take both people working very hard to repair the marriage.

 

[PaladinWithGun2]

Divorce is such a casual act these days. In churches, however, we have been so strong in our defense of the family that I have seen divorced Christians stigmatized right out of the church, and that is sad. There are limits to the pain a person should bear as a spouse, and adultery and abuse cannot in any way be consistent with respecting, cherishing, and honoring one another above ourselves. The death of a marriage is hard enough without losing the support among the body of believers over the label of divorce. I think we should encourage all marriages in times of trouble, and try to embrace those who could not continue in the situations they were in.

 

[dayknee]

i personally was hurt badly through the beliefs of believers over this subject.

the views of the church and attenders made me feel as if i were the horrible sinner who had not done enough to move the Holy Spirit through the man's heart to stop him from the abuse and the constant infidelity.

how people viewed me and treated me at church was uncomfortable....then i sought help from another church.

this church showed me a different approach to the situation. this approach i present when dealing with anyone who is in the situation i was.

confront- with professional councelors confront the behavior of infedelity, alcohol/drugs, gambling, pornogrophy, ect.

seperate- move into seperate locations and begin working on each individual through and with professional help... possibly bringing them together every now and then......or wait until enough healing has happened to bring them together to begin marriage conceling

move the couple back in together after solid effects from indiviual and mariiage thereapy has been made and continue marriage counceling until the relationship is strong and stable.

this did not work out in my case....my ex-husband refused all these things....he liked our churches view on how i should handle the marriage. however it does have a very high success rate. i have seen this process work and actually bring marriages to a brighter vibrancy than it was in the beginning.

the church i attended spoke these words to me:

"YOU pray for him."

"YOU pray unceasingly for the Lord to soften, change....his heart."

"YOU let God do the work and don't interferre."

"YOU..divorce is the greatest sin you will committ therefore be faithful no matter what he does to you or your children."

"YOU be the model and example to him...be as Christ was an example to us."

"YOU remain faithful to him."

"YOU submit to his decisions.. he is the head of the house...YOU must accept and obey."

"YOU...just keep praying."

"YOU accept the consequences of his actions and praise the Lord for it."

"if YOU continue to take your children to church, bring them up on the foundation of Scripture....then the sins of the father will not fall upon them. .....ect."

this messed with my head and honestly sometimes still does.

i'm not trying to bash on anyone here....usually i keep quiet on this subject...i don't mean to offend anyone.

keep on keepin' in Him!

Wow..this is something I deal with. Not that my church makes those exact comments..more like my family and various people at church.
I've done all I could do and Ive done it many times over. I feel like I am the only one who HAS to be accoutable for things..like doing all the things you listed..while he, on the other hand, is able to continue doing things the way he wants to.

Anyways, I'm sorry you had to go through somthing like that..thank you for posting.

 

[arizonasunset]

I'm really sorry AZsunset that you went through all that. It makes me sad that you were treated like the problem instead of your husband. I hope things are better for you now and you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

thanks adeo....i can use prayers for sure and for certain.

actually the time drew me really close to the Lord and many amazing...wonderful things took place....because the Spirit worked in me many things.

the terrific marriage counseling i received during that time has been a tremendous help in my present marriage of now 10 years.

and i am working on belonging again to a church....so i guess that was the biggest impact...i'm leary now

but that doesn't matter....i must keep pressing forward.

this is a controversial issue....which makes the topic hot and interesting!
</IMG>

 

[arizonasunset]

Wow..this is something I deal with. Not that my church makes those exact comments..more like my family and various people at church.
I've done all I could do and Ive done it many times over. I feel like I am the only one who HAS to be accoutable for things..like doing all the things you listed..while he, on the other hand, is able to continue doing things the way he wants to.

Anyways, I'm sorry you had to go through somthing like that..thank you for posting.

day....i am so sorry you are going through this right now. if ever you need someone to listen to you...talk to...or anything write me.

 

[-~Truth_N_Trust~-]

for me personally I think (never having been in the situation thankfully) only repeated infidelity would cause a divorce. BUT I would certainly seperate over abuse/drugs and probably some other things...

 

[CrystalBrooke]

I would divorce for reasons other than infidelity.

 

[mrscplus]

I've learned that a marriage can withstand alot, and things that I thought would be deal breakers just haven't seemed that important when push came to shove.

However, i have never been expected to be a push over, and I know that physical abuse of any kind would be the end. I've always said that if he was going to hit me, that he'd better be sure of his shot, because it would be his only chance. DH has such a high breaking point, that I have never seen him really, really angry...and I've given him lots of reason.
We've been ticked, but unrationally angry has never happened.

 

[Evangelina]

Infidelity aside, what would any of you consider breaking marriage vows?

I'm asking what any one of you would consider broken marriage vows. Examples; emotional abuse, porn, verbal abuse, physical abuse, drugs, stealing, lying.

And would you consider these as possible reasons for divorce?

In a technical sense, a vow is 'broken' when a person either does what they say they won't, or doesn't do what they say they will.

So...

Typical wedding vows involve:
- honour
- love
- cherishing
- sexual fidelity

If a person repeatedly fails in any of those areas toward their spouse and doesn't express genuine remorse, they've broken their marriage vows.

Now, Jesus chided the Pharisees for letting technical 'law' get in the way of the greatest law, that of love... so I don't think it's all quite as black and white as I've made it sound.

 

[Catholic Wife]

The only thing that would be a marriage breaker for me is the unwillingness to change abusive behavior. And, if the behavior is too bad, there is always living separately for the safety and well-being of the non-abusive spouse while the other gets help instead of automatically heading for divorce.

Cheat on me once, I can forgive. Cheat on me again, and you're out! Doing drugs or drinking too much? Get clean! Emotionally or verbally abusive? Get counseling to figure out why you have to treat others poorly! Hit me? First, I hope you like jail! Then you'd better get counseling to figure out your emotional problems before I will let you come back into the home.