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Weird Hubby Behavior

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Heather Maka, Nov 12, 2017.

  1. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    The deleted web cam files are not surprising given the facts you have related throughout this thread.

    I don't know how I knew there were compromising images of her husband involved before Heather confirmed this information but somehow I did. Weird. I didn't realize it wasn't stated in her posts until you pointed it out.

    With the information she has provided, I would have expected there to be some. However, I would never offer suggestions by assuming something as a hard fact not stated as such because I'm not God and I don't know. I did not do so intentionally here. Heather, don't interpret my comments as a prophecy or anything as I would never claim that. I do believe compromising images have been deleted based on Heather's findings above, and the context of the problem.

    The selfie pics indicate some media interactions Heather is unaware of and in the context of this entire mess, it would raise questions. All of the indicators suggest there is much about this situation Heather does not know and that her husband, being aware of her resourcefulness, has become even more resourceful to hide.

    If my husband took a selfie, I would find it out of character (he hates them), but it would not raise my suspicion whatsoever because there has been no other behavior with which to frame a suspicious context. In this context, it is quite different.

    Remember, her husband initiated the separate rooms because Heather's sleeping bothered him. It's interesting her sleeping bothered him at the time when he wanted to do porn chats at night.

    A spouse initiating separate beds is often be a canary in a coal mine - and I would assume it to be so until verifying otherwise if there are other circumstances involved as well that are not adding up.
     
  2. Heather Maka

    Heather Maka New Member

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    So something interesting happened today. I had scheduled an appt with my attorney for today. So tonight, the hubby asked me if I went to my appt. I told him- no. He asked if I went anywhere. I told him I went to the gym (otherwise I was home working). He started harrassing me about the gym (what time did I go, how many people were there, what machine did I do). Then he said "are you sure you went to the gym and not your attorney appt?" What kind of trip is he on?
     
  3. snoochface

    snoochface Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.

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    Have you considered the possibility that he is trying to show you what that kind of interrogation feels like??
     
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  4. DZoolander

    DZoolander Persnickety Member

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    lol - good for him
     
  5. Heather Maka

    Heather Maka New Member

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    After the porn/hooker incident, he voluntarily went to a counselor for about a week. He admitted that he was a mild sex addict. But he didn't do any other treatment for this. He vowed to stop porn after this because he thought it was unhealthy for him. This type of behavior might be hereditary also (some family members have it). So he's not the little innocent victim and I'm not the big bad wolf.
     
  6. OK Jeff

    OK Jeff Active Member

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    I don’t think it sounds like he’s innocent in this scenario. But your behavior has gone so far beyond rational, reality is nearly impossible to see through a computer screen. I honestly don’t know what to think.
     
  7. Gwen-is-new!

    Gwen-is-new! The Lord is my rock!

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    I think we all agree there is a problem and you guys need help. You know enough, you have gotten enough evidence.. now, unless you just enjoy torturing yourself, turn to the Lord and professionals, and start to tackle this monster. Encourage him to get help.. there are workshops everywhere- Every Man's Battle - Every Man's Battle there are Christian resources and support groups for porn addiction. Home

    If he is Christian, he should be willing to go with you to the elders and get some accountability. Would he pray with you?
     
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  8. snoochface

    snoochface Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.

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    You have options:

    1) Continue on as you have been. Do searches, gather evidence, grow your distrust, make yourself crazy, ask for advice you don't want on an internet forum, and teach him to hide things from you more effectively.

    2) Go to counseling together, and go by yourself if he isn't willing to go with you. Get professional advice about your behavior and his. Follow that advice and strive to improve communication and trust.

    3) Follow through with your appointment with your attorney. If you aren't willing to do #2, and you're only willing to continue with #1, you're going to end up at #3 anyway. Save yourself both some stress and heartache and jump right to the outcome you are heading toward anyway.

    Personally, I would recommend #2. When what you've been doing hasn't been working - and clearly it hasn't - then it's time to do something different.
     
  9. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    There was much to indicate in your information that he does not intend to be faithful to you.

    Generally sex addicts do seek gratification outside of the marriage.

    I applaud you for trying to protect your marriage with a sex addict instead of giving up on the spot.
     
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2017
  10. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    Ironically, one of the top infidelity experts in the country would have given her the advice to snoop on a spouse who is a sex addict and has shown behaviors to cause suspicions, just as she has done.

    Yet you were excoriating her for doing this. I think you owe her an apology.

    When married to someone who intends to cheat, trust is only possible through constant verification or 24x7 togetherness.
     
  11. snoochface

    snoochface Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.

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    She came to an internet forum asking for advice. I gave mine. I don't owe her an apology for my advice. I'm sure I could find infidelity experts who would give the same advice. If I did, would you owe her an apology for giving contradictory advice to whatever expert I dig up? Come on. This is what internet forums are - ask for advice, get that advice, do with it what you will.



    That's not trust. Trust means not requiring constant verification. "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
     
  12. derelekt

    derelekt New Member

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    I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I know it seems unbearable. Your situation sounds so like mine, minus the prostitute and different factors about the woman at work. The only thing is I was the husband.

    I assume everyone here is saved. As such, you are an adopted child of God. The creator of the entire universe loves you as his own daughter with a perfect love. How wonderful is that?

    For me, my viewing pornography was never about my wife at all. Never a rejection of or replacement for her. It was a disastrous response to my own fears and feelings of rejection. It was nobodies fault but my own. Likewise, you are not responsible for your husband’s sin. Please know that. Please dear sister, know that your value is in no way determined by your husband’s actions.

    I’d offer this now. If your husband is still viewing pornography, then he is probably bound by shame and feelings of worthlessness. IF that is the case, he needs help. I mean this next statement out of nothing but love for you, your husband, and your marriage. If he is feeling extreme shame and you are feeling extreme hurt and betrayal, he needs to be held accountable by someone else. Your attempts will most likely result in further hurt and create distance for both of you. I don’t know him but it wounded me deeply every time my wife tried to correct me through accusation. Wounded hearts wound hearts.

    He needs help from a man he is close to. If he isn’t willing to seek it, you can’t force it. You might force a temporary external change but it will likely be accompanied by a slowly building bitterness.

    If your desire is to work through this, and I hope it is, be careful to how you proceed. Our natural tendency is to view things through our experience. His sin, no excuses, may not be connected to everything it seems to be. In my situation, I was so relieved and happy to be free from viewing that. When my wife would make accusations about actions that were innocent it would often create a huge setback for me.

    God freeing me changed me radically and broke open the gates of Heaven so I could receive the full measure of God’s grace. I’ve realized that I never really knew love. I didn’t know how to receive it and therefore I didn’t know how to give it.

    God is great! You are in my prayers.
     
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  13. Heather Maka

    Heather Maka New Member

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    Thank you for your prayers. I am happy that you have recovered and now you are free from the chains of porn. Porn is very addictive and can lead to bad things in people who are susceptible to addiction. I hope your wife forgave you.


     
  14. NothingIsImpossible

    NothingIsImpossible Well-Known Member

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    At first I was reading and thinking you were overreacting a bit about him taking a woman (a lesbian none the less) to lunch. Which is understandable given his past. Though if she wasn't married or a lesbian, then it would be more concerning.

    With that said though I wonder if hes interested in this woman because shes a lesbian and he wants to have a threesome since men seem to find lesbians as a turn on. Again this is just an assumption about this woman. As for the prostitute number, it could have been an accident, or on he really did know this woman. Though I am curious how did you know shes a prostitute? When you look up a number it doesn't say "Prostitute" does it? Or is she an escort (which yes, is essentially a prostitute).

    As for lie detector tests, they aren't hard to pass. And sometimes they aren't accurate to begin with. Where did you get him to take one at? Thats pretty interesting.

    The fact he has an anonymous browser is something I am split on. I can understand the need to not be tracked through a browser. But given his sketchy habits, it does seem hes using it for more then just random browsing of the web. Have you ever looked up deleted pictures/videos on his phone? If you plug it into a PC and use a program like "Recuva", it will show you deleted files from the phone. Sometimes they are overwritten and they can't be recovered. Other times you will see the files fully.

    One thing you could do is hire a private investigator to follow him around and see what he does. Or activate GPS on his phone to track where hes going and been.

    As for Jasmin Live, it is a legit popup you get. But 99% of the time it pops up when visiting porn sites. So even if it was a popup, it means he was at a porn site since theres no other site that would cause that ad to popup. Going by what your saying I'd say hes a good liar about the porn thing. Trust me on this. Its why eventually porn addicts get caught. One little mistake and theres no way around it. Such as the Jasmine ad. He can't claim it popped up at any other site other then a porn one.

    Also consider maybe buying something like this:
    https://www.amazon.com/Charger-Hidd...0908402&sr=8-4&keywords=hidden+camera+charger

    Plug it into an electrical outlet facing the PC he uses at home. This way you can record him using the PC when your not in the room. There are other kinds to like pens and even a fake door clothing hanger. Also I'd scan your PC(s) (And phone) for viruses, malware...etc. Because the MOST common way to get such infections is from porn sites. Especially because of popups. You could also look up the virus and see where its commonly received from. Maybe consider a hidden audio recorder for his/your car so when he takes this woman out, you can hear what they talk about. Alot of this sounds like overstepping but you do what you have to if your pretty sure you think something is going on.

    Granted if your wrong for some reason, it kills the trust when it comes to trusting you. Though honestly it sounds like he lies alot and you will find something.

    Lastly I will say that porn, like many other things, is highly addictive and kicking the habit is like trying not to drink anything for a week. Near impossible. Its a ton of work for the majority of porn users.
     
  15. Heather Maka

    Heather Maka New Member

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    Yes I would like to do #2. We tried it about a year ago. It became like a courtroom with the counselor as the judge. I went in with the hope of making things better. My husband entered the room with an antagonistic attitude. He blamed me for everything and presented himself as an angel. He blamed me for his porn. He blamed me for losing my trust based on the hooker text he received during a time when he was neglecting me and lost in porn. He blamed me for our kids problems. In fact, there wasn't barely anything he took responsibility for. Of course, I wasn't content to just sit there and take it. If you don't fight back and present evidence to the contrary- it makes it look like he's right. Then it would become my fault for everything. I was willing to meet him halfway- but it seemed all he was interested in was to be right. He always thinks he's right. In fact, he will apologize and then take it back. In the case of the coworker/lunch thing, I told him nicely that it made me uncomfortable. He threw it in my face and argued with me for an entire week. I went each day with 4-5 hrs of sleep because I was so upset. He finally admitted he should've been more caring and this person didn't mean this much to him to fight so hard for it. He admitted maybe he overreacted, etc. Then today, he wanted to be intimate with me. I told him I needed a few more days. He got frustrated with my answer and then took back his apology. He once again says everything was my fault and I blew up everything.



     
  16. Heather Maka

    Heather Maka New Member

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  17. Odetta

    Odetta Thankful for grace

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    You two have extremely unhealthy relationship patterns. Each of you feeds off the bad things the other does and uses it as justification to continue to do the harmful things you do. If you wouldn't snoop and hound and distrust so much, maybe he wouldn't do so many distrustful things and say so many mean things. If he wouldn't do so many distrustful things and say so many mean things, maybe you wouldn't snoop and hound and distrust so much.

    Good grief, this is insane! I don't know who started the vicious cycle in your relationship, but based on all you've shared, it is going to take several miracles of God to heal your relationship. Thankfully, our God is in the business of miracles.

    But seriously, you need to work on yourself first. Because you can't fix your husband. Leave him to God to fix. Let God fix you.

    So to focus on you, it is my opinion that your level of distrust, and the supremely unhealthy behaviors that have come of it, will destroy you, let alone your marriage. He has his addiction; this is yours. Unfortunately you've had one poster who has fed into your addiction, based on her own biased view of relationships that she spends a lot of time justifying as common. Your situation is not common. Neither his behavior nor your behavior is common behavior in relationships, and neither justifies the other. Keep doing what you're doing with the hunting and investigating and lie detecting, as that poster seemingly recommends, and this situation will just keep getting worse and worse. I know she's trying to protect you by sharing what she's seen in her distorted view of bad relationships, but that's not going to fix your problems - it will make them worse. She's basically helping you find evidence for a divorce.

    I'm going to assume that the fact you posted on this forum - where one of the rules is we can't tell anyone to get a divorce no matter how crappy their marriage is - means you actually do want to save your marriage. I have to be honest - I have my doubts that is what you really want. But I'm going to go with you wanting to save your marriage. So in that regard, I have some radical suggestions.

    What if you...let it go? What if you stopped - stopped all the snooping and controlling, stopped trying to get payback, stopped being vindictive? What if you - dare I say it - asked for forgiveness and forgave in return?

    What would that look like? How much trust do you think you have to put in GOD to allow you to step back and let Him fix you and your husband? This is not about you not being able to trust your husband. This is about you being able to trust the GOD of all creation to love you, protect you, treasure you no matter what happens in your marriage. This is your crisis of faith moment - your faith in God, not your husband.

    Keep doing what you're doing, and nobody here will have to break any rules because your marriage will be over anyway. Let me make this clear: you. can't. change. your. husband. But God can change you, if you let Him. He can even change your husband (if he lets Him), and He might have an easier time of it if you gave him some ground to work with. Even if your husband chooses to not let God change him, if you let God change you, heal you, love you, protect you, you'll still be much better off no matter where your marriage ends up.

    To be brutally honest, though, in terms of whether or not your marriage will make it, based on the fact that you both have reached out to attorneys - well, it seems to me it's likely already over and done with, and all this how-can-we-help-you-heal-your-marriage stuff is a waste of time.

    That's a worldly view, of course. God can still work miracles. But He has to have people willing to yield to Him. Are you willing? Do you trust God enough to make yourself vulnerable, even if your husband doesn't reciprocate? Do you trust God no matter what the end may be? For your own sake I hope your answer is yes.

    And I strongly suggest you find christian counselling for yourself.
     
  18. Heather Maka

    Heather Maka New Member

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    The bad patterns started with him- I'm not claiming to be perfect- but honestly all of the deceitfulness is with him. Also- I never called an attorney. I told him that maybe I should. I have actually really given it some thought and still might do it if necessary, but have not. My husband did this himself.

    Something new that has happened is this: So my husband has been complaining of weird sensations all over his entire body. They feel like pins and needles. He has had this for a couple of weeks.

    After this last argument about his personal lunches with his coworker, he agreed that he would only go if it was a group of people and stop having these personal lunches per my request. He told me he regretted ever doing it the first time and wouldn't do it again.

    He told me that his cubicles in the office have been rearranged and his coworker now sits behind his desk. He said that he doesn't really talk to her.

    So after suffering with these pins/needles types pains and problems for a couple of months, my husband told me today that he needs to start exercising more. We currently pay $100 per month for a gym membership near our house. I suggested that he meet me over there after work and we could work out together (so we could be close to each other....he has been worried about his health and he told me yesterday that he doesn't want to be away from me since I am his rock). His reply was "yea I might do that- or I might just use the gym at my office." His company has a gym in his building. He said "I could go into the gym at work before or after I get off work".

    I thought this was a bit odd- given that the recent problem we had because he went on a private lunch with his female coworker. I asked him if his coworker uses that gym too. He said "No she doesn't work out. She doesn't ever go to that gym". He blew up at me and got really mad. I asked him why we pay $100 for a gym membership when he's going to go to the gym at work.

    1) How does he know the workout patterns of the coworker he says he rarely talks to

    2) Why did he get so mad and blow up at me? It seems to me that it would be more trouble to carry gym clothes into work everyday when you could just go work out near our house.

    I really am trying to trust- but his actions really leave me scratching my head.




     
  19. derelekt

    derelekt New Member

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    Oh sister. If you can read Odetta's input and digest it there may be hope. I heard a Pastor once say something along the lines of a Christian's marriage problems don't come from problems in their relationship with their spouse, they come from problems in their relationship with God.

    You view your husband as deceitful, and he may be, but no imperfect human can withstand the scrutiny of another imperfect human. If you want to find fault, you'll find it either through his actual errors or your own perceptions. However, the goal of marriage is not to find fault with the spouse or condemn them for sinful/hurtful behaviors.

    I'll say this, I had plenty of opportunity to have affairs. It was never an option. I've had females fired for sexually harassing me. In spite of this, my wife makes groundless accusations from time to time. When she does that, it creates distance in our relationship that does not need to be there. For the sake of your marriage, please make sure that is not happening. It doesn't mean he's perfect, he's not. However, neither are you, or any of us. Don't make the situation worse unintentionally.

    In the end, you have to trust God. God was as much in control of Job's life as he was David's. If you can settle your heart, you can love your husband and be at peace in spite of his sin, whatever it is. God directs our steps. I testify to you that if we are willing, and will release complete control to God, he will teach us marvelous things in our darkest hours.

    Again, I pray for you and your spouse. May God get glory from your life together.
     
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  20. Almost there

    Almost there Well-Known Member

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    As a 64 year old male who's wife of 20 years was "done" when I was 43, and then finding the woman of my dreams, literally, 3 weeks later, to whom I've been married 20 blissful years going on, hopefully, another 30, I will say this:

    Based on your entire post, and especially the last lines, "Right now, my heart is padlocked and he won't be getting in any time soon! What do you think?"...

    You may want to call an attorney as well.

    I'm not putting it on you, but your response will only make it worse. She doesn't have to be that good looking, and you don't have to have physical intimacy to have an affair. A man in his position should NOT be spending so much private time with another woman, married or not, if he is married. They are building a close relationship. And if she was "happily" married, she would probably not be doing this. I know taht none of the woman I work with would be comfortable doing this with ME. That is because we talk about their spouses and I talk about how wonderful mine is, as they say about theirs.

    Your husband and this woman are "heing and sheing" even if it is only what you are aware of and nothing else. It is literally that simple. And the fact that he even called a divorce attorney, even once, speaks volumes.

    At this point, there are two solutions, only one of which would probably work long term. The first is that you become those women in the porn. The second is that you pray for a miraculous healing in his outlook. However, you can not FORCE a person to change. And people can be quite stubborn.
     
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