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Weird Hubby Behavior

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Heather Maka, Nov 12, 2017.

  1. Heather Maka

    Heather Maka New Member

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    Been married almost 20 years. I operate a home business with good income. My husband recently went back to the corporate world. I feel he had been acting depressed/bipolar for the past 6 months or so. He seemed unmotivated to do anything around our house to help me out and spent half his days watching tv instead of working in our home business. About 3 years ago, we hit a bump in our marriage after I found out he was doing porn online every day and possibly in chat rooms (he denies this). Also during this time, he received a supposed "wrong number" text from a weird number very early in the morning. I googled the number and it belonged to a prostitute. He denied knowing her and said it was "wrong number". This is highly possible, but given the amount of porn he was doing, I still had my doubts/suspicions. It took a while for me to get over all of this. I have finally been at the point where I was trusting him fully again.

    So, like I mentioned above, he has just went back to work in the city starting about a month ago. He landed a great job with a wonderful company at a salary he wanted. The team he works on is a new team and will eventually consist of about 10 people. Right now, there are 2 managers and my husband and his female colleague. She is married as well. I have been happy he got a job that makes him happy. For the past month, I have been taking on pretty much all of the housework, running my own business, and also purchasing his entire work wardrobe for him because he hates to shop. I have also spent extra hours making sure he has clean clothes every day and stay up late often to wash, dry, hang up his clothing, etc. I feel I have tried to be a good supportive wife and help him out.

    The first week, he came home and told us about his two managers in great detail. Also- he mentioned his female colleague briefly one day but it wasn't a very detailed conversation (so I don't really know much about her except HE says she's a married lesbian). Last week after my husband went to bed, I was still up catching up on some chores. Our oldest child (age 18) who still lives at home was with me. He told me that his Dad told him that he went out to lunch with his colleague Tiffany today. I said "really". Then I thought- that's a bit weird that he didn't mention this to me. My son told me that it was a lunch with just my husband and Tiffany only- nobody else at work went. Also- he told me that he walked with Tiffany around the city for about an hour showing her some of the sights as she wasn't from this area and wasn't familiar with it.

    The entire night, I was pretty frustrated that he failed to mention this to me (that he took another woman to lunch by himself). That morning as he left for work, I texted him to "have fun at lunch today". He immediately started calling me, but I didn't answer the phone as I was tired and wanted to catch a bit more sleep. He tried to call me about 7 times. That evening when he got home, I asked him about this private lunch with Tiffany. He said it was no big deal and that I needed to get some trust. He made fun of me and my "trust issues". He made me feel soooo bad! (Remember- those trust issues I had were caused by things that he did several years ago).

    I told him that I didn't feel it was a good idea to start this practice of taking another woman to lunch because he's new at the company and it looks bad in the eyes of your boss and other coworkers. Also- I don't know the woman and I'll admit it does make me jealous to think of him and another female going alone given all that he and I have been through several years ago (we almost split up back then). I expressed these concerns to my husband and he hit the roof. He called me all kinds of names <Staff Edit>/ I kept trying to explain the situation and even sent him examples of articles online about how it's not a good idea. I asked him to please consider my feelings and not do it again in the future. He was so mad. He opened the door to go out to run an errand. On his way out, he told me he wasn't putting up with my stress and maybe we should just get separated. He stayed out for about an hour at the mall. He came back and we continued arguing about it. He still felt it was perfectly fine to take Tiffany out by himself at lunch. We didn't really speak for days. I mostly ignored him and told him I was moving on with work, etc. Then one day around lunchtime, he texted me from his office to tell me "just to let you know, I picked my lunch up and am eating at my desk. I will be doing this "until further notice". This text infuriated me. <Staff Edit> So we fought again.

    We didn't speak thru the next weekend. Several days later, he finally told me he wouldn't do lunch alone with her again and that he's sorry I got so upset (not sorry that he said all those mean things to me). He actually got mad at me and said I started the whole thing by texting him to "have fun at lunch" that day. I just have a bad feeling about the whole thing. Why did he get so defensive if she's just a lesbian colleague. I looked at our phone bill and saw where he called a divorce attorney one morning before work and also during his lunch. So apparently, this issue means so much to him that he's willing to start calling attorneys about getting separated. <Staff Edit>Who does this?

    Also- something you need to know is: several years ago, he and I had discussed not lunching/dining with the opposite sex alone. I went to a training class and a male colleague offered to take me to lunch. I wasn't comfortable with it and said no. I told my husband about it. He said "I hope you didn't do it". I told him I did not. So, we had the discussion about whether we should go lunch/dinner with the opposite sex alone. My husband said this practice is NOT a good idea. This was HIS idea to not do it. But flash forward, and now he has break his own rules. I am now left 1) hurt that he put me thru pure hell for a week insisting that it's ok to continue eating alone with Tiffany for lunch at work 2) not trusting him now because he kept this from me to start with (my son is one who told me) 3) blindsided and in shock that he would go to great length to call divorce attorneys.

    I have looked up a photo of Tiffany online and she is not that attractive- she's not ugly but she's certainly not someone that would cause me to dump my wife for. So, I think this whole thing is just weird. I'm tired of him playing these games with me and playing with my heart. Right now, my heart is padlocked and he won't be getting in any time soon! What do you think?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 15, 2017
  2. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    First of all, you are not crazy or out of line. Your God given instincts are warning you there is danger.

    I'd thank him for eating lunch at his desk as if it is a great thing and not feel guilty that he is eating lunch at his desk one bit. Better there than out with Tiffany. He is manipulating you into feeling sorry for normal marital behaviors (not taking an opposite sex person on a date to include walking her around the city for an hour, etc.).

    Your bigger problem, though, is your husband may not be interested in fidelity.

    Is he still engaged in internet porn?

    In general, there are two types of infidelity. The majority of cases are where an opposite sex friendship grew too far until the two people fell in love with each other. These affairs can often be successfully broken up and the marriage recovered.

    In your husband's case, he was actively looking for sex somewhere else, evident by his solicitation of a prostitute. It wasn't something he didn't intend to do but then eventually fell into. Your husband intended to get sex somewhere else. These marriages are very difficult to recover because the unfaithful spouse can only be trusted when they are being watched.

    Your story gives clues about your husband's intentions here. First he minimized his initial acquaintance with Tiffany. Then he takes her on this long, "softening" date. A married man has no need to walk her around town for an hour. This would indicate a purposeful intention from the outset. Given your husband's history, he is likely working her over. I also would doubt she is a lesbian, but would suspect his saying so was a foil to you.

    Does your husband use a shared computer at all? Does he guard his phone or would you be able to have access to it? Do NOT confront your husband any further because if you arouse his suspicions he will hide his behavior with more care. You need to access his digital life without him being aware of it so you can ascertain the truth of his behaviors.

    Can you do so without him becoming aware of your efforts? If you can't, I can refer you to some free, effective resources compiled by other betrayed spouses who had the same problem, to help you do so.

    If you get evidence of his continued contact with prostitutes, engagement in porn or other unfaithful activities, save the proof. Still, do not confront him.... you'll need a strategic plan so your actions to save your marriage can have the most impact possible and the greatest possibility of success. Come back here when you have the evidence and we'll help you with a plan to use that information to try to save your marriage.

    Also, most men affair "down". I am completely not surprised that she is not attractive. That's completely typical, so don't let that provide any false security. Instead, find out what your true reality is. Then make a plan. We can help you with that plan.
     
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  3. Heather Maka

    Heather Maka New Member

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    The situation several years ago was so weird. He did receive that text from hooker and it was only one text at 7:45am. The text from her only said "hey". He didn't reply to it. I do computer forensics for a living- so I am aware of how to search the phone, pc, etc. There weren't any other texts from her or to her (nor any calls). I called her up and asked her if she had a client named Paul. She was a black lady. She said to describe him. I told her he's a white guy in his 40s. She said a white guy had set up a session with her and her girlfriend but never showed up. She sounded half high or drunk. My husband called her in front of me and asked her why she texted him because he didn't know her and his wife is mad. She apologized and told us she meant to call a number that was a couple digits different than my hubbys number. I called that number she gave me to see if she was lying. It was a guy who said he knew her and not to call him again. Not sure what to think. I had my hubby take a lie detector test and he passed.







     
  4. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    Are you able to access deleted texts or texts from apps that delete messages, like Kik, etc?

    Is he still engaging in internet porn?

    What do you think of this article?

    Coping with Infidelity: Beginning (Part 1)
     
  5. Heather Maka

    Heather Maka New Member

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    Yes I have accessed all deleted texts that I could and also the apps (he never used any Kik type apps). I did find an app called DOLPHIN which is an anonymous browser. That's where I found a lot of deleted porn stuff. No hookers, just porn. I asked him why the need to browse anonymously. His answer was that he liked to look for gifts for me and that's how he would buy them without me seeing them on his computer.
     
  6. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    Hmmm.... the story about the prostitute, combined with the naked pics and the porn is very weird. The coincidence is a bit haunting, but perhaps there isn't much more you can dig out of that, considering a lie detector test was taken as well.

    So, with the Dolphin app, it seems his porn use is ongoing? Porn is still an act of infidelity and is very harmful to marriages. It makes men increasingly unwilling to meet their wives' emotional needs because porn and self satisfaction takes so much less effort. It also creates a contrast effect which erodes his attraction to you. Further, it becomes an addiction which can lead your husband to more assertive extramarital behaviors, such as the naked pics indicates.

    The naked pictures (generally men don't take naked pics of themselves for their own benefit) and the grooming behavior towards Tiffany are concerning. Is there any way you can encounter her and perhaps ask a kind question about her wife? She may be surprised to find she has one.

    (Edited to add: He stated she was married. You should be able to find marriage records online if this is true. I would do some digging around to verify who she is, and whether she has a wife. Perhaps you'll find a marriage record to a husband - who knows. However, even if she is gay, some gay women can fall in love with a straight man if he intentionally pursues her and meets her emotional needs. Stating the other man/woman is gay is a very common tactic of a spouse who intends to cheat with that person, which is why, combined with the other behaviors, my BS meter is not restful about this claim.)

    What do you think of this article?

    The Scourge of Pornography by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

    I'd suggest spending the next few weeks concentrating on learning more about your husband's apparent secret life - or confirming there isn't one. Unless you rule out affairs, these doubts will not give you peace or allow your marriage to grow close.

    I'm a lay volunteer on an infidelity board and your husband's behavior, in whole, is textbook indicative of someone who is interested in having sexual needs met outside of the marriage. However, we always advise the suspicious spouse to verify for certain. Unfortunately, we're almost always right because we see the pattern so often.

    I pray that is not the case for your marriage, but if you don't rule it out, your marriage will still suffer damage while your skepticism of your spouse remains. We always find the best outcome for the marriage is for the spouse whose suspicions have been aroused to find out **for certain** what the truth about their life is. You certainly have an abundance of good reason to take this precaution.
     
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2017
  7. Heather Maka

    Heather Maka New Member

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    I will definitely do some digging. I asked him what they talked about during lunch and he said he can't remember. I would think he could remember something. So I let him know that I knew that although Tiffany did live/work in another city for a year, she actually lived here before that. He told me earlier (when I asked why he went sightseeing with her) that she's not from around here. Finally he told me she's living with her wife's parents while waiting to move back in her house (they rented it out when she went to work out of tiown for a year).
     
  8. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    I'm so sorry. That he is getting caught in lies is very concerning.

    With this level of credible suspicion, I would consider a key logging program. You don't want to damage your marriage with untrue suspicions, but you also want to be able to effectively address infidelity if it is occurring. A key logger would resolve both questions.

    Hopefully the data would be so boring that you could quickly put your fears to ease. The pattern he is presenting is very troubling, so it would not be surprising to find a different outcome than boring data.
     
  9. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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  10. DZoolander

    DZoolander Regular Member

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    TBH - if you've spent years making him pay penance and earning back trust because he watched some online porn a few years ago - maybe you've gone a little overboard.

    I'm not saying that you don't have a right to say "porn makes me uncomfortable, don't watch it" because you absolutely do. As your husband, he ought respect your feelings on those matters (even if his opinion may differ). But regardless of what people may say about "to look lustfully at a woman is the same as adultery" - it's not the same as actually going out and having sex with someone. Hearing that he's still earning back your trust years later makes me think you're treating it as if it is.

    ...and to be honest if my wife years after me watching porn was still treating me as if I needed to "earn back her trust" - or using it as the foundation to launch a new questioning on my trustworthiness - I'd start to be a little snippy about it too. I'd also react badly to "You watched some porn back in 2014, so I don't know if I can trust your word now".

    Be mindful of what's actually going on, but if the case you're making out is that the past porn viewing establishes some sort of pattern that you need to be extra careful about, I'd stop with that line of thought for your sanity and the health of your marriage...because it doesn't.
     
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  11. DZoolander

    DZoolander Regular Member

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    Reading on - good lord. You made the guy take a lie detector test because he had watched some online porn and got a random phone call?

    I assume he passed the lie detector test, because you're still married to him?
     
  12. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    @Zoolander, there is far more to her situation than porn usage. Did you read all of the posts?
     
  13. DZoolander

    DZoolander Regular Member

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    Watched some porn a few years ago that may or may not have had a chat room, received a random text from what turned out to be a hooker (but passed a lie detector test to prove he didn't know anything about it), and took out his (allegedly) lesbian coworker to lunch/to show her around the city but didn't tell her about it.

    What did I miss?
     
  14. DZoolander

    DZoolander Regular Member

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    Ahhh, I did miss the fact that he likely has viewed more porn via that dolphin app.
     
  15. Heather Maka

    Heather Maka New Member

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    You also missed that he is the one who came up with the rule that neither of us should go to eat with person of opposite sex one on one.

    Also- you missed
     
  16. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    He missed a lot of other things as well.

    I don't think he deals with infidelity very often because he missed a lot of textbook patterns that were screaming off the posts you have made.

    I have been very involved in supporting betrayed spouses as a lay person volunteer and there is a! lot! to be concerned with in the information you related.

    I pray you check everything out and your fears are not realized. But it would be treating yourself with negligence and disregard to not check out something that checks off symptoms predictably. Further, you would not be able to put your fears to rest, which does nothing to help your marriage either.
     
  17. Heather Maka

    Heather Maka New Member

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    At the time of the porn usage, we were being intimate once per week. He was sleeping in the bedroom beside me (I'm a restless sleeper & I bothered him). The porn usage was every night right before he'd go to sleep. I could hear what sounded like talking thru the wall. I didn't know what was up at the time- I thought maybe he talked in his sleep. Now looking back it could've been chats. He did this on his phone app Dolphin browser and deleted it. I found it and got the deleted contents which were: lesbian porn, urination porn, cross dresser porn, etc. The day I found the hooker text was a weird one. He tried to stop me from coming in to work at our office (which is 15 min from home). He was so adamant that I got suspicious. That's when I saw the text from earlier that morning.
     
  18. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    The story about the prostitute isn't adding up to me either because it also coincides with the time you found nude pics. It was just way too coincidental, and this additional information makes it more so.

    Are you able to access his work computer/work email? If so, I'd key log that as well. I pray it all shows up as over-the-top paranoia on your part, but there are too many parts of this story, including the grooming of Tiffany, that are adding up to a different equation.

    I know of betrayed spouses who, when gathering data to find out the truth of their life, put loggers on work computers as well regardless of the wayward spouse's company policies because they prioritized their marriages over some policies. It was a choice they made and it led to the truth about their lives finally being revealed to them so they could take steps to save their marriage.

    It is not fair for the wayward spouse to waste YEARS of your life while they are tomcatting around with complete disregard to you. Meanwhile you are agonizing over what you're doing wrong and why your marriage isn't working, not knowing the REAL reason why this is so.
     
  19. DZoolander

    DZoolander Regular Member

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    When you say "chats" are you talking about actually talking (out loud) with someone over the computer via something like a webcam? Usually when I think of online "chats" - I think about a typed in chat box. So maybe we're just talking about different things.

    The other lady is right that I don't have a ton of experience with infidelity - but just as a dude - nothing in that original description makes me go "Hey, I would be cautious about that." I am a little taken aback by the lie detector stuff though over what was described (some online porn viewing & one random text).

    Probably the reason why my alarm bells don't come off is (full disclosure) - I don't put the emphasis or importance on porn that a lot of other people here do. I don't see it as the first step to infidelity, and I don't see it as a form of infidelity. Rather I think it's the lazy man's way to assist in masturbation - which is something guys will do to kill time or because a random urge hits them. So I don't carry the same opinions coming into this discussion that others may.

    As I said - I think that as a partner you have a right to say "That makes me uncomfortable" and as your spouse he ought respect your wishes. But not because he's treading down a dangerous path to crazy infidelity and sin. But rather because it bothers you - and it's ok to have your perspective on it as well. 20 minutes after viewing a porn and taking are of business - I doubt the average guy could even tell you what color hair the girl had. 40 minutes later he might not remember having done it at all. That's hardly the type of action that IMHO carries the weight of going out and having sex with someone else.

    But - others feel differently. lol

    Now, I will say, based upon what you said his search history was, that's kinda kooky. Someone searching for urination porn or cross dresser porn is different than "hot blonde does her stuff". I'd probably take a few side glances at that and wonder what the heck was going on with that as well.

    But, my read on the situation is...if I were you I'd confront him on the porn. He ought be respecting your wishes. The "I got the dolphin app to look for gifts for you" is a lame excuse. He got it because he wanted to view some smut and he knows you're following him around trying to find evidence of it. If it were me I'd tell him I believed he was still viewing it, tell him he knows it bothers you and you think it's important, and then ask why it's so important that he cannot abide by what he said?

    I'd be curious about the answer.

    But, going out to lunch with a lesbian wouldn't ruffle my feathers. That's just me though. I wouldn't dig my wife going out to random lunches with random guys alone - but if the dude was gay I wouldn't care.
     
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2017
  20. DZoolander

    DZoolander Regular Member

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    (and assuming that things aren't really "going well" right now between you guys) - be prepared for an answer like "Things are miserable right now, I want to take care of myself, and I want to see something while I do it without bringing on more grief later."
     
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