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Weird Hubby Behavior

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Heather Maka, Nov 12, 2017.

  1. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie

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    I'm not sure that "coaching the suspicious spouse how to find out for sure" is necessarily a good idea in every case. Married couples with infidelity issues are also likely to have intimacy, communication, trust, respect, and happiness issues. Training a suspicious wife how to covertly spy on and expose her husband's possible infidelity sounds like a good way to possibly make things worse in the trust, communication, happiness, and respect departments. I'm not saying that infidelity should be ignored, or that it's not a big deal. But rebuilding trust and trusting in God after and in light of an affair / porn issue / emotional entanglement issue is a huge part of healing, moving on, and re-strengthening the marriage.
     
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  2. DZoolander

    DZoolander Regular Member

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    Forgive me for apparently missing something, but where was this talk about calling into porn chat lines, nude selfies, etc?
     
  3. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    So you are saying that a wife who sees evidence that her husband is being unfaithful should worry about HER trust issues? That is possibly the most cruel advice I have ever heard.

    Nowhere in the Bible does God encourage laziness or not using the means of work available to you when attending after your affairs.
    --I can't imagine the Proverbs 31 woman not proactively looking after her household against a known danger.
    --I can't imagine the ant thinking that if he "lets go and lets God" he could hang out by the beach all summer and not put up stores for the winter (Prov 6:6 Go to the ant thou sluggard, consider her ways and be wise.).
    --Did you know that God gave the Israelites the promised land, but not until he had them fight for it? Joshua lays out the many battles the Israelites had to endure before finally securing Canaan. If they had "let go and let God" they would never have made it out of the wilderness. He assisted them with his Providence but they had to do the work.
    --When the Israelites had made a covenant against God's will, he told them they would never find comfort in their situation and to take a stick and beat it out. He didn't say "let go and let God." (Isaiah 28, 2nd half of chapter).

    I could go on and on with the problems surrounding the philosophy of sitting back to do nothing while expecting God to profitably direct your affairs. We don't do so when our loved ones are sick; we proactively exhaust every means we have available while praying that God would heal our loved ones.

    I just don't follow this whole theology that many Christians have today of sitting back to pray instead of preparing ourselves with knowledge by studying Scriptures and writing them upon the tables of our heart so we are capable of stepping forward into the yoke God sets before us in our life circumstances while at the same time being in prayer for wisdom, guidance and God's blessing on our efforts.
     
  4. snoochface

    snoochface Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.

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    She said in her OP "possibly chat rooms" but he denied it. That somehow morphed into calling into porn chat lines from what I can see. I didn't see a mention of nude selfies either.
     
  5. snoochface

    snoochface Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.

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    Endeavourer, your advice to be mindful and watchful is good, for everyone I think. Some of the things you advocate for seem way way way over the top. I also can't see a Proverbs 31 woman searching through her husband's pockets to see if there is a stray hair, and subjecting him to stand before the Sanhedrin (OT lie detector? I am being facetious) to determine if he is telling her the truth.

    Once trust has eroded to that level, she needs help beyond a marriage forum on the internet. She needs a professional to intercede and be an unbiased party to help the couple work through their communication and trust issues.
     
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  6. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie

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    I'm saying that I do not feel that my spying on my husband, submitting him to a lie detector test, combing through his internet searches, phone, or text history would help us if we were in a struggle like the one mentioned in the OP. I am not saying that one should accept bad behavior or have no concern over potential affairs. That, too would be unhealthy. But going to such extremes to monitor, control, and know about everything that a spouse does on-line, when left alone, or on a phone does not sound healthy or helpful, either.

    Men tend to react and respond differently. What a woman might see as "I care about this marriage and will do anything to save it" a man might see as "my wife is a nagging control freak who keeps going through my things and keeps throwing old stuff back in my face". If that is how he sees her actions, his response might not be fidelity, but an increased desire to have an affair, if he's not having one already.
     
  7. DZoolander

    DZoolander Regular Member

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    Yeah, from what I recall, there was discussion about the wife having heard noise that sounded like conversation. From that she summized that there might of been chat rooms going on. That was all of it in its entirety from what I have seen
     
  8. snoochface

    snoochface Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.

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    Right. And if I knew my husband watched porn and I heard noise that sounded like conversation, I'd assume he was watching a video, not having an audible sex chat.
     
  9. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    This information is provided throughout her thread and posts. Partially in the first post, and more clarification provided in subsequent ones.

    I thought your advice was sounding like you hadn't read everything.
     
  10. snoochface

    snoochface Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.

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    I read it all the first time, and went back and re-skimmed to see if I'd missed a chat line. I didn't see it and still don't. Please feel free to quote the post though.
     
  11. DZoolander

    DZoolander Regular Member

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    Exactly what Snooch said. Nobody has ever accused me of having bad reading comprehension, but I suppose anything is possible. Can you please copy and paste the bit about him taking nude photos of himself? Or the part where he was calling sex lines?

    Because for the life of me - I have not seen any mention of nude photos...and so far as I can tell the only way you could have gotten to "calling phone sex lines" is by making a leap from what she said about having heard voices.

    And once again, not to be repetitive from Snooch, if it were me if the guy is watching porn, I'd assume the voices would likely be the dialogue from the video.
     
  12. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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    Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences one spouse can thrust on another; the pain caused by infidelity far exceeds the discomfort some monitoring might cause. Even having suspicions about or worrying about infidelity is damaging to the marriage and prevents the intimate one-ness that a marriage should have. However, monitoring, in the event of credible suspicion, helps the marriage by putting these fears to ease. It is far better for the marriage that the suspicious spouse put his/her fears to rest, than challenging and confronting a spouse continually because they just can't feel at peace that they KNOW the truth.

    If my husband had any concern about whether I might be unfaithful - or on the path to it - I would welcome his exploring my digital life to the fullest extent, with or without my knowledge. He and I are one. I have nothing to hide. I have no passwords on my devices and he is welcome to use them any time - or even just look around in them.

    I do not monitor my husband. He has presented no suspicious behaviors whatsoever. This OP's husband behavior has provided all but a notarized statement that he is has sexual interests outside of the marriage.
     
  13. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie

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    I am going to have to disagree that monitoring is the best response. One's husband is not a child.
     
  14. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

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  15. DZoolander

    DZoolander Regular Member

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    I'm not saying that snooping is inherently bad. What I'm saying is that the degree of snooping (in a sane situation) ought be proportionate to the "red flags" (using the term from your article).

    On the one hand we have you over here talking scenarios of the husband taking nude photos of himself, calling phone sex lines, etc etc etc...none of which anyone else can seem to find in this thread...and saying that those red flags justify the type of snooping she's been doing (polygraph tests, etc).

    It seems everyone else sees proof that the guy was viewing porn in the past (and probably still to this day if he has browsers that are meant to obscure search histories). Then there's some conjecture about what some voices might have been that she heard coming from the office...and a one time random message on his phone (which he passed a polygraph on). Those are the red flags that everyone else seems to see.

    I'd still like to see what you read that suggested ANYTHING about him taking or sending out nude photos...because maybe I'm nuts...but I've re-read this entire thing like 5 times and cannot see what you're talking about - lol.

    So, while I agree about red flags being cause for snooping, I'm not seeing the red flags that would justify the degree of trauma that seems to be going on here. My wife has my passwords. Like you, I don't mind her snooping. But, if I faced years of stuff like polygraph tests and passed them, yet faced more and more of the same...at some point I would ask "What the heck?"
     
  16. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie

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    Seeking to figure out if there's trouble and continued, scrupulous, controlling monitoring of a spouse's devices, activities, and behavior are not, imho, the same thing.

    Asking my husband if there's something wrong, asking a spouse if they're still visiting objectionable websites, and making requests for limits on social behaviors that feel wrong (like taking opposite sex co-workers out on what are basically unsupervised lunch dates) are not the same thing as my seeking to know about, monitor, and review every single thing that my husband says, does, enters into a search engine, or feels.

    When push comes to shove, even if we have suspicions, there are limits to what can be called reasonable behaviour. We can not control everything. Nor should we try to.
     
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  17. Edo2

    Edo2 New Member

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    This is probably the best course is to seek a marriage counselor as it will take both being involved not only with the couseling sessions but actively seeking god and his ways as well.

    I was on the other side of the fence and broke my wife's trust in me. It took alot of hard work from both of us but thru his grace we rebuilt our marriage. It didn't happen in days or weeks. It took a few years and i cant express the blessing that it has been.

    Going to a marriage counselor will at least show a certain amount of commitment on his part to want to rebuild the trust.
     
  18. Heather Maka

    Heather Maka New Member

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    My monitoring him has not been unwarranted. I have caught him in several lies. The first lie was: "I only watched porn once or twice on my phone". I found evidence that it was every single night before bed for about 2 months straight. I also found evidence on our office computers because I own half of this business and I don't want that crap on my work computers. So that was another lie. Also- he said he didn't participate or view any video chatting sites (they were just pop-ups). I KNOW that I heard him thru the walls at night. I know his voice. He was either moaning out loud while ejaculating or he was talking to someone. The moaning would have only been one time for a couple of minutes while ejaculating. However, the sounds I heard were multiple times over the course of 30 min or so. I really feel he was doing webcam video chatting. I also saw where he installed webcam software on his laptop around this time. When I went into the folder under Program Files to view the files, there were none there. So who installs a program and doesn't have files in that folder? I'll tell you who- somebody who deleted the program files.




     
  19. Heather Maka

    Heather Maka New Member

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    No- I did not say there were naked pictures. Something I didn't say earlier that I had found is: I had found some deleted pics on his phone of selfies he took of himself in his car. Those look like the typical dating site profile type poses. If you go on any dating site (I went on them to look and see if he had any hidden profiles)- you will see about 50% of the men have that same pose. It's a selfie taken while in the driver seat of their car and it's a serious looking pose.

    I do think he was probably doing video chats. I know his voice, and it definitely wasn't the porn video noise. It really sounded like him talking to someone. I honestly thought he was talking in his sleep because it would occur about 30 min or so after he told me goodnight and went to bed. It never occurred to me this might be what's going on until I found the porn/hooker text.

    During the time the hooker text occurred, he had almost like a game-playing type attitude going. I remember the day I called that hooker and she told me that a guy with my husband's name was a no-show appointment the day before. I told him "hey- that hooker gave me some info on you". Instead of emphatically denying he knew her, he would say "oh really, so what did she tell you". It was almost like he had rehearsed this with her.

    The next day, he called her with me present. He scolded her for texting him. He told her she had the wrong number and now his wife is [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] off. He told her that he didn't know her. She said "please put your wife on the phone". Then she told me "Hey- I didn't mean to break up anyone's home". Then he would say "Yeah because you got the wrong number". All she kept saying was she didn't mean to break up our home. The whole damned thing was weird. I would have left him, but when she gave me that phone number that she had meant to call all along....it made me think maybe she's telling me the truth and meant to call another client. Like I said, when I called that number, I asked that guy if he knew the hooker (I used her name- didn't say she was a hooker). The guy told me all about her and said he was a prior client. Then he told me to be quiet and not call him again.

    I'm not a crazy snooper. This guy has given me reasons to snoop. I can also tell when he is doing bad stuff. I can just tell. Every time, my intuition has been pretty correct. He gets really distant and tries to find fault in me. I tell him that the reason he does this is to justify what bad things he's doing. I'm serious- I can't do anything right when he's messing around.

    Now if you met him, you would never suspect it. He's nice, charming, goes to church, leaves notes around the house about God, reads his bible every night, etc. It's almost like he has an angel and devil split personality. It's always been like that. During intimate relations, he would sometimes change from loving to animalistic. He has demonstrated his porn moves on me. I am tired of being his practice doll. It's time for him to grow up and treat me with love and respect I deserve.





     
  20. snoochface

    snoochface Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.

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    Get thee to a counselor, post haste.
     
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