Unaffectionate Wife

[dallasapple]

That's for sure. And also, everybody seems to be focusing on the fact that he gets mad and that this letter wasn't written properly, MY point being that usually things of this nature have gotten to this point after YEARS of trying to deal with a problem/issue. I would hazard to guess (and OP if I'm wrong, please correct me) that he wasn't always "volcanic" about this, but it has built up over many years.

Well for me thats not my focus on his letter.thats obviusly NOT good and well..quite frankly aggravates the situation and will drive her into a shell..My problem is his overall ATTITUDE that she is 'wrong" for not wanting or liking the same types of gestures he does with physical affection that she is "odd" for not wanting and doing those things..That simply is not true..(depending..if its something that suddenly "happened then still its not 'odd" but could be an ISSUE thats to do with her )..but just in general his attitude that "a wife should" feel that way about non sexual and physical afection and verbal "I love yous " and desire it for herself is right off the bat not right and not true (necessarily) and hes approaching her as defective as a person(wife in this case) needing fixing..

So the getting ANGRY over the fact she is THAT way...maybe in itself could be tempered if he stopped thinking of her as WRONG..or that she is doing something wrong that she needs to fix..that knowing he WANTS her to feel that way...doesnt MEAN she can snap out of it and suddenly HAVE those desires will maybe make him not angry with her...How can you be angry at someone ..who is just being THEMSELF?If you are then you shoudnt be together ..IMHO..

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

I hope this is helpful, and maybe it's not...but that letter could have been written by MY husband to me a while back.

It's very hard for me to be affectionate with my husband. Not sex mind you, that I could have every day. But the non-sexual touching like hugs and kisses, hanging out with him, cuddling....those are things I just don't think about. It's not intentional, I just don't think about it.

In reality, most of the guys I had dated weren't outwardly affectionate either so I was never really challenged about this. Most seemed thrilled to not have a "clingy" or needy girlfriend so I received positive reinforcement towards my lack of affection and it became more prevalent as I grew older.

But then I met my husband, a guy who really places more value on non-sexual affection than anything else. It was difficult for me to adjust to, and I still have to work hard to give him what he needs. Of course I love him with all my heart, but it just doesn't dawn on me to give him a kiss or tell him I love him. That seems obvious to me based on all the things I do for him (cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, etc) but it's not to him and he needs that validation.

It will take time, but with the right encouragement she can be the wife you need. But you have to find a different way of encouraging her. I think a counselor would be a wise choice, because she doesn't seem to be hearing you right now. Perhaps an unbiased 3rd party would help matters.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. It can get better, honestly. It's just gonna take some different methods than you've been employing. A counselor with more insight than we have might be able to give you some ideas.

Your exactly right..and in my case I never got a chance to think abut it..becaue my husband is "right on top of me"..I was just getting some breathing room when he would touch me again..(all of it grabbign me by the arm if Im rushing past him to get teh phone and holdign me in a"hug"..coming up behind me slapping my rear end when I cook..lickign his lips when I would talk to him...saying I love you 4 times a day..asking me "did you miss me" ..then wanting to have sex a LOT..constant touching ,sex,and comments..)..

It reached a point how could I "think' to reach out and hold his hand..if Im RUNNING from him while hes CHASING me ???

TBH..I dont even really 'know' what my own personal "normal" level of is of needing any of that for myself..I never get a chance..Plus...I take that back..when he has "backed off" trying to give me room..ANY sign of affection ..sittign close to him ..holdign his hand..sayign I love you ?meant immenent SEX...that is thouroughly frustrating..to know I cant even say "give me a hug or hold his hand.because I would either need to be fully prepared to have full blown sex because of it..or find myself fighting him off and "witholding"(as its called) sex from him...

Dallas

 

[Tannic]

SMH... don't ask... check the setting... SMH...

 

[JaneFW]

LosingHope, I just noticed that this is your first post/first thread. Do you have a response? Have you tried counseling? Talked to your pastor? Etc.

 

[pdudgeon]

Not meaning to pick on ya, pdudgeon, but this to me is an example of where we start exaggerating what's going on. You say "He expects to have a wife who will put him first in everything and meet all his demands,(or else!)" , well, who's demanding anything or saying she should put him first in everything??? He's letting her know how he feels. I don't think that's demanding, OR ELSE. JUST my opinion here.

no problem, and you're not picking on me.

when the situation is that bad, counseling is the only answer.

 

[dorig59]

Did he give an ultimatum? I don't remember that, but then this morning was a long time ago (LOL!)

I don't know, I have the impression that this is something he's talked to her about plenty, and he went to the letter because he doesn't know what else to do.

Usually a man will come on here saying that his wife doesn't like sex, and everybody tells him he should be affectionate with her. So this guy is saying that's all he's concerned with right now, the affection, yet he gets blasted for THAT. Seems like some guys can't win.

 

[dallasapple]

Usually a man will come on here saying that his wife doesn't like sex, and everybody tells him he should be affectionate with her. So this guy is saying that's all he's concerned with right now, the affection, yet he gets blasted for THAT. Seems like some guys can't win.

Usually from my perception.the men complaining about sex arent JUST talkign about sex..they are talking about ALL physcial affection ..typically a woman who is not that interested in sex is skiddish on the touching alltogether..and the mans complaint isnt restricted to her "just doing it" plenty of times the wife is accomodating him..it then gets to the issue..he wants her to WANT TO>he wants her to INITIATE...he wants to "feel" desired by her..not accomadated..

Also I wouldnt assume this OP isnt INCLUDING sex..when he said "no this isnt about sex" I'm under the impressin he isnt meaning "only" sex...but OVERALL her DESIRE for physical affection he said she is "along for the ride"..Im not so sure if he isnt meaning includign sex...He can clarify...but my guesss is this isnt simply about him wanting her to "hold his hand'..its his "need" for her to get across she DESIRES him..

Dallas

 

[dorig59]

Yes, I think you're right about that. I do wish the OP would come back on here, I'd like to hear his responses to some of the feedback.

 

[pdudgeon]

well, either he just needed to vent, or he's said all he's gonna say, or we're all just getting played here, and our responses will be copied to another website for entertainment purposes..

whichever it is, it's been instructional.

 

[badfish77]

I think if your wife doesn't fufill your needs, it is reasonable to at some point consider leaving her.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

 

[badfish77]

Yes , I saw what the age of the post was after the fact.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

Yes , I saw what the age of the post was after the fact.

Happens. But stick around. The OP's like this have a tendency to reincarnate.

 

[Autumnleaf]

My wife is like yours but I made her that way. Its a tough spot.

 

[Sam91]

.

 

[Benjamin Hirt]

Yeah I see your point. I didn't look at the date. Oops (sheepish grin).

Well had it been current, it would be valid. I am right where the original writer is, and I am telling you - it is hell. Especially living with abuse throughout your life, such as childhood sexual molestation and assault (me) and everything that builds from there.

Thanks for pointing out my err.

 

[*LILAC]

Yeah I see your point. I didn't look at the date. Oops (sheepish grin).

Well had it been current, it would be valid. I am right where the original writer is, and I am telling you - it is hell. Especially living with abuse throughout your life, such as childhood sexual molestation and assault (me) and everything that builds from there.

Thanks for pointing out my err.

You could've just started your own thread. lol

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Yeah I see your point. I didn't look at the date. Oops (sheepish grin).

Well had it been current, it would be valid. I am right where the original writer is, and I am telling you - it is hell. Especially living with abuse throughout your life, such as childhood sexual molestation and assault (me) and everything that builds from there.

Thanks for pointing out my err.

There is no excuse for assault or abuse, though I’m not sure that’s what OP is talking about, nor do I think he qualifies even remotely as abused. Maybe a new thread is the way to go.

 

[Benjamin Hirt]

I am Godly because I love Christ and acknowledge my sin and am acutely aware of EVERY DEEP HIDDEN SIN.

Are you truly Godly?

God forgives my language.

 

[*LILAC]

I am Godly because I love Christ and acknowledge my sin and am acutely aware of EVERY DEEP HIDDEN SIN.

Are you truly Godly?

God forgives my language.

Does God swear at you?