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Trying to Date but they get on my nerves

Discussion in 'Mature Singles' started by Lybrah, Jun 24, 2019.

  1. Lybrah

    Lybrah Active Member

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    Why do I get so annoyed by guys who want to pursue me? Some of them legitly turned out to be immature, but sometimes I feel like there's no reason not to like them. I just can't. The last guy was talking to me rubbed me the wrong way by these things:

    - When I brought up my interest in End Times prophecy, which I spend quite some time watching videos and reading books on, he goes, "Be careful! Be careful that you don't....blah blah (goes on to talk about false prophets and stuff) He also went on to talk about how the Book of Revelations was really a summary/overview of the Catholic Mass and then talked about this priest who showed him a book about it. That interpretation had to be the most absurd thing I've ever heard.
    - We talked about how marriages don't last today because people give up on each other too easily. He then talks about how important it is for the man to get the father's blessing because the family should be involved in the decision on whether or not the couple should get married. He then said if the family had sound reservations on why the couple shouldn't be married, they shouldn't be married.
    - I felt myself getting very annoyed with what this guy was saying. I also felt like he seemed a little (I struggle to find the word here--controlling, preachy,...) His laugh annoyed me.

    The other guy--
    -said corny things
    -wanted to sleep over after the third date
    -after the third date, as the check was begin brought to us, all of a sudden said, "You're going to get this one, right?" I was unprepared and angry but ended up paying anyway. Then he said, "I was waiting to see how you handled that."
    -After a long talk about how I wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, he goes and sends me a picture of himself in the shower. Then texts, "What do you think of my picture? Are you attracted to me?"
    -We're at the movies and he asked me if I wanted anything to eat. I said no. He comes back with candy and two big ice creams cones and gives one to me.

    Am I being too picky? I feel bad but these men make me so angry. I imagine myself getting into all of these fights with them in my head. With the first guy, coming home, wanting dinner made, getting annoyed if I won't cook, annoying me about the cleaning, etc. Coming up with some absurd way of doing something.
     
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  2. Sam91

    Sam91 Child of the Living God Supporter

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    No, you are not being picky. Listen to those instincts. You are better off single than trapped in a marraige with someone who will control you or not resoect you. There are red flags with both guys and your frustration is based on a physiological and psychological warning system that something is not right.

    Listen to it and move on.
     
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  3. dayhiker

    dayhiker Mature veteran

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    The first man has no clue what he is talking about as far as I can see! Should stick to the topics he actually knows about.
    The second seems to be in his own world. Needs to learn some things about respect and boundaries.
    But then I guess we are all weird in our own way, so love is finding the weirdness that we can love.
     
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  4. d taylor

    d taylor Well-Known Member

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    That can be a problem, especially in areas that a person takes seriously. Discussing the Bible can bring out passionate defenses of a persons belief.

    That is why i do not think i (myself) would try to venture into a relationship with a female that would be too far apart in their view of Bible theology. Really never know until that comes up.
     
  5. blackribbon

    blackribbon Not a newbie

    +5,916
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    I think it is harder to date as we get older because our personality and preferences are more established...and honestly, we are less likely to be open to consider different viewpoints or opinions.

    Would you feel the same way about a female friend who said or did the same thing? ... I think we also are too busy "interviewing" a life partner instead of using the early dating experiences as a chance to get to know someone as who they are without judgement.

    I am curious why you expected the guy to pay every time and hadn't offered to pay for something by the third date? I assume that you are both financially independent. If he pays for every date, what is your contribution to the relationship...simply the honor of your presence? And although, it would have been nice if he had listened to you saying you didn't want anything (most women don't really mean this though), why are you mad that he brought you a gift anyway? Would you have been just as upset if a female friend brought you something back or would you simply have said "thank you". You didn't have to eat it. His response was likely based on his past experiences. He doesn't know you well enough to read your mind.

    As for the discussion with the guy on religious beliefs, he has a right to his beliefs even if they don't match yours. You wanted him to honor your beliefs but did you give him equal respect by listening openingly (willing to learn) to his beliefs? If he has a different view, I think a discussion would be significant and necessary because it sounds like it could be a reason why not to spend any more time dating because you aren't likely to be a "match".

    I think you need to date with a more open mind. Be grateful for the gentleman, especially if you are letting him pay your way. You don't have to be a match, but he is spending his money and time on you...at least be a gracious guest. You don't have to go out with him again.
     
  6. Lybrah

    Lybrah Active Member

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    I understand that the guy has a right to his beliefs. I was not rude to him at all! He never knew I felt this way. It was just something in his personality and the way he expressed himself that made me feel as if we were going to have a lot of arguments because of our differences.
    Sorry, but I mean it when I say no and there were too many times when I tried to set boundaries and he kept pushing. Case in point: inviting himself over to my house to watch movies. After saying no multiple times, he kept insisting. He even offered to help me clean when I said it was a mess. Basically, he wasn’t taking a hint. I knew what was going to happen if I let him come over. I would have been fighting him off all night.
    And I think men should have to pay and take the lead in dating, and I don’t like being tested.
     
  7. dayhiker

    dayhiker Mature veteran

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    I'm in total agreement that this guy wasn't hearing and respecting your boundaries. So I'd say keep your distance.

    In today's world where women are usually making close to what the man is I will not keep dating a woman while expects me to pay all the time. If she is facing financial hardship as many men and women are, then I'd adjust that. That's the way I look at finances.
     
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  8. blackribbon

    blackribbon Not a newbie

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    He likes you. You could have simply said "I don't think I see us being in a relationship" instead of making up excuses. Why wouldn't you be straight with him when he wouldn't take the hint? Again, he can't read your mind. He was taking the lead....just saying.

    And why should a man pay for you before you are in a relationship? I don't think that is fair...and is sort of selfish. Personally, if the first date went bad, I'd be sure to pay for my own meal to end the expectation that we were dating. If you let them pay, you ARE dating...and it would be normal for him to expect to spend more time with you. He can pay for the first date if he did the inviting, after that, why not share the costs so you are equals in the relationship? The guy doesn't pay for the woman when they get married. It comes out of the joint account in most marriages.

    I have told my daughter to not let a guy pay her way until she is ready to be his girlfriend. It eliminates the illusion that you are interested or taking advantage of him if you are not.

    Paying for the date isn't taking the lead if you aren't letting him lead the relationship in all ways....and I don't recommend that you give a man you barely know that kind of power over you. If you have less money, then you plan the dates that you are going to pay for. If he pays for all the dates, what are you putting into it?
     
  9. JAM2b

    JAM2b Newbie

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    Some of the things you mentioned sound too picky, but some of them sound serious. For me the smaller things wouldn't be deal breakers by themselves, but something as serious as disagreement on Scripture meaning, and sexual boundaries would definitely be reason to stop seeing them. If you continue to date guys, try not to be too sensitive about little things, but certainly don't drop you standards when it comes to morals or beliefs.

    Eventually, anyone will become annoying. It's part of long term relationships that is always true. The perfect person for you will start to annoy you if you give it long enough. You can't base relationship decisions on the smaller things. Sometimes things that bother you early on become endearing later. And sometimes things that you find charming or quirky in a fun way while dating may become annoying later. The key here is patience, and a realization that there are things about you that probably annoy them.
     
  10. JAM2b

    JAM2b Newbie

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    In the world of dating games, watching a movie or TV in your home, or coming in for coffee or some other drink is code for "let's have sex."

    "Netflix and chill" does not literally mean relaxing while you watch something together.

    It frustrates me so much. It's important to keep up with these things because people won't just be direct and honest. You can find yourself in a sticky situation.

    I wonder how it would have went if you had said in the beginning, "I don't want to because I don't want us to get up having sex together." or "I don't have men in my home so that there is no temptation."

    I don't expect it would have been much different because he seems like the type who will not back down, but maybe being more direct with someone in the future could be helpful.
     
  11. blackribbon

    blackribbon Not a newbie

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    It can also be to keep the cost of dating down...especially if he has to pay everything when you go out. I have gone to men's homes and them to mine and it was really just to hang out. One played his guitar for me and I got to see a different side of him. However, if you are concerned, then state that sex is not an option and the date will be over if he even broaches the topic.
     
  12. miss-a

    miss-a Newbie

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  13. JAM2b

    JAM2b Newbie

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    It depends on who you are dating. Just make sure you make it clear what your boundaries a d expectations are. Not everyone who wants a drink after a date or says "Netflix and chill" are hinting at sex. It's important to know anyone well before inviting them into your home or being alone with them in their home. This stuff can be cleared up during a phase of getting to know them in public before the invitation into each other's homes comes up.

    I think it's fine to have someone in your home for a dinner, but just make sure that you understand and respect each other first. So often people rush things and get in situations they didn't expect because they werent open and upfront in communication or made assumptions about what someone means.
     
  14. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla Well-Known Member

    +1,615
    United States
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    What are you looking for? If you’re open to every opportunity that comes your way you’re going to be frustrated.

    There will be points of difference. That’s to be expected. Where would you prefer to have common ground? From what you’ve shared it sounds like your perspective differs. Common bonds help to overcome the differences.

    That would have settled the matter for me. The first offense was bad enough. But I wouldn’t have permitted his behavior. He operates on his own agenda.

    It sounds like you should screen a little more. And pay attention to the qualities you’re seeking. How does that look?

    When I say I want a gentleman I have a clear idea of what it means and the characteristics I value most. But most importantly, I need a standard for myself. How do I wish to be treated and what’s unacceptable? If he can’t honor that I have no interest.
     
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