Truths

[DragonFox91]

I feel like I have more in common with singles. I really recognize their struggles. Even married, I’d feel that way. I’ve been part of the singles community so long, I feel like it’s ‘my people.’ It would take a lot of grace to suddenly be part of the married community. I suppose you build to that. But I don’t want to leave singles behind. It breaks my heart when I see that happen. I suppose marrieds do get busy, & singles can naturally get upset, but I see it happen before the dating starts.

 

[exitstageright]

Relationships used to be something you would build and maintain together like a house. For some people it still is.

However, people are heavily influenced by culture which is often cynical, stress-inducing, and anti-relationships. One example is with music. Notice how many songs now are break up songs or about being "better off" single and so on. Happy romantic songs are fewer and further between. Big money is behind creating the mainstream music videos and pushing the earworms into people's heads, so I think the messages sent are intentional.

It seems like spiritualizing your singleness could be causing resentment. Instead, it might be better to view it as a choice. You can choose to put yourself out there in new ways and probably to people you weren't considering before. Or you can say you're not comfortable with doing that and choose to be alone. Going back and forth is probably hurting you.

Speaking of music, there is a song, sung by Karen Carpenter, that has these lyrics. "It's a dirty old shame that all you get from love is a love song .And, its got you staying up nights waiting for the music to start. Yes its a dirty old shame that you have to take the blame for a love song. 'Cause the best love songs begin with a broken heart."

 

[bèlla]

I feel like I have more in common with singles. I really recognize their struggles. Even married, I’d feel that way. I’ve been part of the singles community so long, I feel like it’s ‘my people.’ It would take a lot of grace to suddenly be part of the married community. I suppose you build to that. But I don’t want to leave singles behind. It breaks my heart when I see that happen. I suppose marrieds do get busy, & singles can naturally get upset, but I see it happen before the dating starts.

Maybe the Lord has given you a burden for singles. Have you considered that? I don't think married individuals intentionally ignore singles no more than those with their first job forget about college students. It's a different season with demands and requirements that differ from the one you're in.

Singleness brings a level of freedom you don't find elsewhere. Consider the posts in this forum as opposed to other areas. Look at the difference in activity and discourse. There's a reason for that. My friends are married but my life is profoundly easier than theirs. I don't have their responsibilities or cares. I can focus on myself significantly more than they can.

There's a lot of married people who wish they were in your shoes. Enjoy this period. You'll never have it again.

~bella

 

[DragonFox91]

There's a lot of singles in the group (& they want to be married) but it just doesn't work out for me. It's really hard to build something w/ one. It takes a lot of time, maybe? That's not good. It's supposed to be quick. I guess one is too hard for me.

 

[DragonFox91]

I need to move on from marriage. It is what it is. I"m just wasting my life

 

[DragonFox91]

Sundays are hardest. "Many singles say they feel most single at church."

I try but it doesn't work.

 

[DragonFox91]

Well I went thru a good few months not really thinking about marriage but now I've been thinking abotu ti again. I still want to be married someday.

 

[Michu]

Do you feel stressed about it brother?

 

[DragonFox91]

Do you feel stressed about it brother?

Not right now. The Lord is comforting me from getting it too bad, I suppose.

 

[Michu]

Not right now. The Lord is comforting me from getting it too bad, I suppose.

I don't know if my approach could help you at all, I'm in the same boat but I'm not desperate.

Who in their right mind would deny a godly wife, or husband, it's desirable. But hand that to the lord. When I read stuff like this, being honest, the desperation or stress will shine through in some way when you're dealing with women you like. Doesn't mean she fully understands it, but she will without a doubt know that something is off.

Try to deal with them as they are a real sister of yours (perhaps not roughing up their hair). Casual conversation, be yourself and don't calculate too much. That way some will have a hard look at you and walk away, but those that stay... man it's those you looking for.

Try to make out in your mind what you want in a woman, be simple. And work on yourself, you'll be fine man, you deserve a godly woman by your side too.

 

[Michu]

Expanding abit on that stress or desperation, which often shows itself as deprivation. I think it's harder for women to deal with that in men than it is for us men to deal with in women. (Women, feel free to add your few cents on that) I mean I see it quite frequently in christian women in their 30s who wants to meet somebody, have a family and all of that. Especially true for some women pushing 40, I guess part of that is the realization that their window of opportunity to bare children is getting smaller and smaller.

A woman looking deprived doesn't bother me at all, if I could narrow it down to be because of this or that. And I usally don't find it hard to do so, being quite analytical.

I think the absolut best thing you could do my man is hand it to the lord, you should feel it like a stone being lifted off you. Push on forward, don't stop meeting women just because you handed your desire to the lord.

 

[DragonFox91]

Expanding abit on that stress or desperation, which often shows itself as deprivation. I think it's harder for women to deal with that in men than it is for us men to deal with in women. (Women, feel free to add your few cents on that) I mean I see it quite frequently in christian women in their 30s who wants to meet somebody, have a family and all of that. Especially true for some women pushing 40, I guess part of that is the realization that their window of opportunity to bare children is getting smaller and smaller.

I am starting to see that. Men always used to seem desperate but as I've gotten older, I'm starting to see the opposite. At this age a lot of single men have either given up or decided it's not really for them having failed past relationships or just more interested in other things not interested in the responsibility they see required. But women, Christian women at least, have seen friends and family get married & have kids & desire it for themselves. This isn't across the board, but I'm starting to see it. I don’t know if it’s b/c ‘their window of opportunity’ is closing, Christian women shouldn’t be thinking that’s true although they might be thinking it anyways, but I am seeing the change in attitudes.

I don't know if my approach could help you at all, I'm in the same boat but I'm not desperate.

Who in their right mind would deny a godly wife, or husband, it's desirable. But hand that to the lord. When I read stuff like this, being honest, the desperation or stress will shine through in some way when you're dealing with women you like. Doesn't mean she fully understands it, but she will without a doubt know that something is off.

Try to deal with them as they are a real sister of yours (perhaps not roughing up their hair). Casual conversation, be yourself and don't calculate too much. That way some will have a hard look at you and walk away, but those that stay... man it's those you looking for.

Try to make out in your mind what you want in a woman, be simple. And work on yourself, you'll be fine man, you deserve a godly woman by your side too.

This is a really good post, friend. I don't have much to add although I wish I could. But I don’t think it’s desperation on my end. Most I think would not work for me. It wouldn’t last long-term. You’re looking for marriage. You’re not looking to date for fun b/c that’s pointless or date just to see where it goes. You have an idea of what you want if the person isn’t that, you don’t bother.

 

[Michu]

I am starting to see that. Men always used to seem desperate but as I've gotten older, I'm starting to see the opposite. At this age a lot of single men have either given up or decided it's not really for them having failed past relationships or just more interested in other things not interested in the responsibility they see required. But women, Christian women at least, have seen friends and family get married & have kids & desire it for themselves. This isn't across the board, but I'm starting to see it. I don’t know if it’s b/c ‘their window of opportunity’ is closing,

Yep it's a quite interesting switcheroo. I think they are pre occupied experiencing the world, it doesn't help that there's a war in the background between man and woman going on. Non Christian in origin.

Waking up quite late to the fact that time is ticking and that it can take some time finding a suitable partner, marry and then to have children.

Christian women shouldn’t be thinking that’s true although they might be thinking it anyways, but I am seeing the change in attitudes.

I know what you're saying but it's just a reality facing them, some getting to menopaus earlier than others, and there's increased risks.

This is a really good post, friend. I don't have much to add although I wish I could. But I don’t think it’s desperation on my end. Most I think would not work for me. It wouldn’t last long-term. You’re looking for marriage. You’re not looking to date for fun b/c that’s pointless or date just to see where it goes. You have an idea of what you want if the person isn’t that, you don’t bother.

Of course I don't know you like this, but when I see your focus I suspect there's some leakage that may rubb women you meet the wrong way. Regardless I kind want you to get away from the focus of marriage. This is the whole point in dating for christians anyway, but you should go into it as to see where it takes you two.

It will bring it from a rather tense situation where you look at eachother from that lens to a more relaxed setting just getting to know eachother for who you are. It's something you can control brother, and the ladies appreciate a man who can make them feel at ease, which may change how things transpire.

 

[DragonFox91]

It is sad tonight

 

[DragonFox91]

Been struggling lately

 

[DragonFox91]

it's been hard lately but PM service was good.

 

[DragonFox91]

It is not good lately. It seems marriage is just for the perfect. I never was so I can't be married

 

[DragonFox91]

I remember an older thread of mine. A poster said they had started reading it from the beginning. They kept expecting to read I had met someone but got to the end of the thread. One never happened.
I remember an older forum I used to post on. A poster there had started reading an older thread of mine from the beginning. They kept expecting to read I had met someone. They got to the end of the thread, but one never happened.
I think of people thruout life who have told me someday I'll meet someone. One never happened.

I don't know what to do. One never happens for me.

You see other 'lates' & it happens. Not for me.

I wonder what I'll do when I'm 90 & one still hasn't.

 

[DragonFox91]

It's so bad right now I can't be married. I'm trying to turn to God but it still feels so bad. It's an ongoing problem. It's not just something you work at & you achieve your goal after a few or several years. It goes on and on. Nothing I try to meet one has helped.

 

[DragonFox91]

So I don’t understand how you take the spiritual aspect out when one’s a gift from God, you make it work with his help by his grace, & it’s all an illustration of his love for his people.