Trickery

[madison1101]

I don't know what drastic would be...but I feel like it wouldn't happen. Drastic would have to be a whole lot of junk falling upon me at once...my brothers, sisters, mom, dad all dying, losing my job, my husband dying. That would probably cause me to drink and do drugs. The likely-hood of that all happening at once: basically zero. For me...death is not a big deal...money, not a big deal...I have friends and family who will support me in times of need...living with nothing is not a big deal. I've gone through depression, found answers and come closer to God...again, addictions...I've gone through it and come out the other side. Anxiety...SI...rough childhood...I'm almost a senior in college and I'm alive and well with some amazing friends and a future ahead of me that I know God wants. Tragic is as tragic goes...but whatever happens happens. ____ happens, get over it. (nearly) everyone dies, gets sick, has problems, feels bad, needs money, has a rough time...whatever. It happens. You get help and get stronger because of it. I feel like...if I were to go back to my addictions because of some major bad happening, it wouldn't be just because of that major bad happening...it would be because I allowed Satan's ideas and words to take root in my brain again. It would be the final straw in a huge pile of stuff laid as a trap for me. I don't see this happening...but I always lay out the possibilities so I can see what to avoid.

I see what you mean about the dry drunk part...yea.

I have had many times when the roof caved in on me, so to speak. One year, my husband left me, my kids all moved away, we sold our home and divorced, my son got addicted to heroin, and got arrested, and I got sober. My first year of recovery, I was a basket case. I literally would go into AA meetings and raise my hand and share how I wanted to drink, but wouldn't. I learned that year about how to work the steps of the program. I wish I still had that sobriety, but I picked up and relapsed 16 months ago.

IF you were to work the 12 Steps of AA, you could learn how to live life on life's terms.

Have you been to the AA website to read some of the Big Book? It's a great way to learn about AA.

Trish

 

[TheMainException]

I've finally seen why you guys push this down my throat nonstop (other than the fact that it has helped you so greatly)...the 12th step like a call to the disciples to tell the nations about God ... a call to alcoholics to tell others about AA. I've done most of the 12 steps where applicable. 1-3, 5-7, 10, and 11.
4: I take moral inventory of myself often
8: I can't really think of anyone I'd harmed since I kept it so to myself. I usually drank by myself or with other drinkers
9: Response to 8 nulls 9
12: I wouldn't ever really follow this one anyway.

I've looked at the book for a minute, but I don't have a lot of time right now. I have a 7 page paper due in 30 hours. I have half a page done. So...off I go, break time is over.

 

[madison1101]

Well, you are partly right. The 12th step does encourage us to share our experience, strength and hope with others. There is a method to our madness, in that, helping people who need the program helps us stay in the program.

As for working the steps, it is not as simple as you make it sound. We take a moral inventory in Step 4 where we really do a thorough self-examination, and write about our anger, resentments, and failings, in detail, in one step. In Step 5 we take that written inventory and share every single thing with someone.

As for Steps 8 and 9, it is not about who we have harmed in our drinking. It is about who we have harmed that we listed in our moral inventory, ever in our lives, drunk or sober.

I understand about being busy, with schoolwork. I remember when I was in grad school, I could barely get to meetings, which is when I discovered my 6:00 a.m. meetings.

Hang in there.

Trish

 

[TheMainException]

I have a full two pages done on my paper, so I thought I'd take another break...lol.

I really don't think I'd be able to share all that kind of stuff with other people anyway. I mean, gosh...woah...no way. All that stuff? urgh. Never. I share stuff as I find it necessary and try to forgive and ask forgiveness for things others have done to me and I've done to them as I can, but doing all that stuff...nah.

The list I saw made it all sound really simple. I should have found one with more detail in any case. As for step 4...I'm a very exploratory person...I really enjoy finding out more about myself, writing about my emotions and such. It helps me a lot to do that. I think a lot of people try not to be emotional or experience their emotions. While I try to analyze emotions, I also allow myself to feel them when necessary and write about them when I need to get them out. I try to figure out where they are coming from as they come up and deal with them. When something really frustrates me and makes me mad, I try and figure out exactly what it is and why it is ticking me off. Life now...this AA bit nonstop...I'm getting frustrated at the constant talk about it...I try and deal with the "why" to it...what about this makes me angry? That sort of thing, so I can deal with the issues and not just blow up on people.

 

[BlessEwe]

oops the server was slow and you responded first ...

You look for someone who you feel comfortable with to share, the cool thing is we all have done most of the things we talk about, or can understand.

I have heard many of times that the 12 steps should be for everyone who wants to live a healthy life. Its looking at the deep resentments ( as Madison said) seeing our part in them, and learning to let them go. Discovering our character defects, ect.There are many people in the world that hold on to these and it shows up in other ways.

Over eating, anxiety, depression, anger, fear. Ect.

I for one learned to let something go after all of these years, not understanding why I couldn't in the past.
Freedom is a wonderful place to be from it. Still many more layers to peel.

 

[madison1101]

I have a full two pages done on my paper, so I thought I'd take another break...lol.

I really don't think I'd be able to share all that kind of stuff with other people anyway. I mean, gosh...woah...no way. All that stuff? urgh. Never. I share stuff as I find it necessary and try to forgive and ask forgiveness for things others have done to me and I've done to them as I can, but doing all that stuff...nah.

The list I saw made it all sound really simple. I should have found one with more detail in any case. As for step 4...I'm a very exploratory person...I really enjoy finding out more about myself, writing about my emotions and such. It helps me a lot to do that. I think a lot of people try not to be emotional or experience their emotions. While I try to analyze emotions, I also allow myself to feel them when necessary and write about them when I need to get them out. I try to figure out where they are coming from as they come up and deal with them. When something really frustrates me and makes me mad, I try and figure out exactly what it is and why it is ticking me off. Life now...this AA bit nonstop...I'm getting frustrated at the constant talk about it...I try and deal with the "why" to it...what about this makes me angry? That sort of thing, so I can deal with the issues and not just blow up on people.

You are in good company. Most people balk at Step 5, sharing their deepest, darkest secrets with another person. That is totally normal, and totally understandable. BUT, Step 5 is the one that frees most people from a lifetime of secrecy and isolation, and allows them to move forward in life, and interact with people. I have shared my deepest secrets with three people in my life, my therapist, my best friend, and my group therapist, in a private session. The world did not fall down, and I did not die.

My deepest secrets involve hurting my children, and sexual acting out. My best friend helped me the most. She is a believer, and she really showed me God's awesome love and grace in the way she reacted. She said, "Do you think that surprises God? He knew all about it when Christ died on the cross for you."

The beauty of the steps of AA is that it is very helpful in giving us the emotional freedom to work on staying sober.

The other nice thing about the steps is that we don't have to do them all at once.

Trish

 

[TheMainException]

It's not that I don't share things...I am open with specific people and share many things. I've shared my history of SI with a couple people, shared my addictions with a bunch of people, shared of my struggles when people share theirs to ease their minds, I've spoken with people face to face about my depression and anxiety and issues of anger with my dad and I've even been able to begin forgiving my dad for a lot of things and have grown in my relationship with him. It's not that I don't do all the steps...I just don't do them in the calculated manner that it seems to suggest. I've shared plenty with two therapists I've had in my life and my best friend and my youth pastor. Going up to my best friend and saying to him "I can't stop drinking" was terribly hard...the alcohol flowing through my veins helped...but I still pushed each word out one at a time and couldn't look him in the eye until the end. What I found incredible then was how able I was to turn from that disgusted, depressed person and look his roommate in the eye and laugh about stuff....but anyway...I guess I do actually do step 5 as well. It just sounded like you had to share all this stuff all at once with one person.

 

[madison1101]

It's not that I don't share things...I am open with specific people and share many things. I've shared my history of SI with a couple people, shared my addictions with a bunch of people, shared of my struggles when people share theirs to ease their minds, I've spoken with people face to face about my depression and anxiety and issues of anger with my dad and I've even been able to begin forgiving my dad for a lot of things and have grown in my relationship with him. It's not that I don't do all the steps...I just don't do them in the calculated manner that it seems to suggest. I've shared plenty with two therapists I've had in my life and my best friend and my youth pastor. Going up to my best friend and saying to him "I can't stop drinking" was terribly hard...the alcohol flowing through my veins helped...but I still pushed each word out one at a time and couldn't look him in the eye until the end. What I found incredible then was how able I was to turn from that disgusted, depressed person and look his roommate in the eye and laugh about stuff....but anyway...I guess I do actually do step 5 as well. It just sounded like you had to share all this stuff all at once with one person.

To do a formal 5th step, the way it is described in the Big Book, is to make a list of all of the resentments and anger, and behaviors that are related to them, and tell that list to one person in one sitting. It is described in Chapter Five of the Big Book, "How It Works." It is thorough and exhausting. The people in AA who have years of sobriety have done it, and swear by it. It is a life saver, and it is the turning point for a lot of people and their recovery. I have done several fourth and fifth steps. I am currently working on one, and it is already longer than I thought it would be. I put it away while I was in treatment, and am just getting around to picking it up again. I thought I had no resentments toward my ex and found out I still do.

The beauty part of the program is that you really get to working on the steps after you have a sponsor, and that person guides you in the stepwork. I have a terrific sponsor, and she is helping me immensely.

Good luck and God bless.
Trish

 

[TheMainException]

That's really cool...about the awesome sponsor I mean. I just dunno about going through all of it at once. I mean...it works, sure...but I don't feel like I need to go through it all at once with a single person if I'm working it out in my daily life little by little as I go along. I haven't had as many years to build up this anger and resentment as a lot of people in AA/NA. I've lived only 21 years...junk has gone down in my life for a good deal of that, but I've begun dealing with it a few years ago...and I've had to go through it in different ways, depression, anxiety, addiction...I've worked my way through the different coping methods until I finally got a hold of Christ and the Truth of the matter.

 

[TheMainException]

Satan toyed with me like I was his mouse last night. He threw every old trick at me that I had previously fallen for. I wanted to cut/burn myself, drink, find drugs. I was angry, depressed, anxious, shameful, and the only reason I wasn't crying was because I didn't want to explain myself to my roommate. I prayed in tongues, cried out to God and tried to stay in his presence, but it was too much for me. I found my friend, NiN, and stayed in his room for a few hours while we did homework. It was really the only way I could stay focused and not do something that would only make me feel worse. We talked a little and then we both silently did work. Then satan threw another bullet at me this morning after I slipped and fell and partially ruined the progress that had been made in healing my ankle after 3 months of work...now after waking up and being somewhat happy again, I'm upset. The thoughts of last night of all the things I could do have passed, but I still feel like someone punched me in the gut.

 

[BobW188]

Sounds like you got safely to the other side; and that's good. This is going to happen now and then at least in the early stages of your sobriety and, as has been noted elsewhere in this thread, it can even recur after years and decades. You did exactly the right thing in getting to a trusted, sober friend; and this is yet another reason we keep pushing AA on you: no matter where you are, you always have one a phone call away.
Keep in mind, you're changing your whole life here. You're attending a Christian school and I'm sure many of the faculty would agree with me that in doing so you are "converting" and "repenting" in the true meaning of those words. You've passed through what might be called the "honeymoon" stage of these - that feeling of joyous liberation, and a sense you're being showered with blessings - into the times of hard work and testing. Paraphrasing an old thread of yours, the actions are going to call to you. In fact, they are going to scream, tug and maybe bite. It's your "40 days in the desert," however long it lasts. Stick to your God, your church and your friends and remember: you can't go wrong checking out AA. Again, that's just more people who've been where you are now and, even with your short period of sobriety, others you may be pathfinding for.

 

[BlessEwe]

Sounds like you got safely to the other side; and that's good. This is going to happen now and then at least in the early stages of your sobriety and, as has been noted elsewhere in this thread, it can even recur after years and decades. You did exactly the right thing in getting to a trusted, sober friend; and this is yet another reason we keep pushing AA on you: no matter where you are, you always have one a phone call away.
Keep in mind, you're changing your whole life here. You're attending a Christian school and I'm sure many of the faculty would agree with me that in doing so you are "converting" and "repenting" in the true meaning of those words. You've passed through what might be called the "honeymoon" stage of these - that feeling of joyous liberation, and a sense you're being showered with blessings - into the times of hard work and testing. Paraphrasing an old thread of yours, the actions are going to call to you. In fact, they are going to scream, tug and maybe bite. It's your "40 days in the desert," however long it lasts. Stick to your God, your church and your friends and remember: you can't go wrong checking out AA. Again, that's just more people who've been where you are now and, even with your short period of sobriety, others you may be pathfinding for.

Awesome Post, Amen!

Just wanted to ask you all, has anyone heard from Bellicus?
I sent him a pm awhile back and haven't heard from him.
Last I saw was what he wrote saying he only had 2 Valiums left and would not get anymore for a while. I am a bit concerned.

 

[TheMainException]

I started out at this school. this is my third year...but I spent a good deal of time away...in order to do drugs and drink..but I need to stay now. And I think it's all worked out for the best. Yesterday I had a moment where my thoughts of all that is good went out the window. I told a friend of mine to find some pot for me so we could smoke it before finals week started. Man...later...I was like...oh my gosh...are you serious? Why the heck would I do such a thing and sent him a message telling him to forget about it. Thankfully it didn't turn into actual smoking it, but I got into such a messed up state in the middle of the day that I actually told him that. I was totally sober when I was doing this...setting this up...but I felt like...really weird...just messed up...I wasn't thinking and I really wanted to smoke pot. There were no inhibitions about it...I was just totally down for it. Later, I got my senses back, but it was kind of scary.

I might check out AA (Or NA, for some reason I feel more inclined to go that route), but again, totally not until finals are over...I got 3 weeks of school left and I'm so freaking busy. My reinjury is making things rough so I'm trying to not go very many places or do stuff...sucks. Not only will I have a car, but the summer should bring it's own challenges and easiness. I'll have drinking friends at home and pot head friends at home, but it will be different and I will be working long hard days and spending my free time at church mostly...so...I think things will be alright...but then I'll also be able to check out some meetings if stuff gets rough and tell my mom I'm going to church so there won't be issues there.

Oh...and I have not seen Bellicus around for a bit...