Trickery

[TheMainException]

I really appreciate your feedback guys. I didn't "slip up" tonight, but I still had a sip of wine. Being that I'm 21, there was some drinking at my cousin's 16th birthday party (not her, the adults). I was offered wine and immediately said "sure." It came flowing from my mouth. She poured me some and then I took a few sips, but knew I had to drive in only half an hour and didn't want to have the thought of having any bit of alcohol in my system while driving. It was good, but I just wanted to try it (I tried quite a variety of wines while in Germany and enjoy wine very much, especially dry reds such as the one I tasted tonight). So I tried it and then set it down and never returned to it. Actually, I then gave it to someone else. I wasn't proud, thirsting after it, surprised, happy...It just was. I tried it, knew I didn't want to go back to that, didn't want to be wasted, wanted to be able to drive, and just set it down without a second thought. As fast as I took it, I put it down. The problem I have is that I often don't think. I just react. Sometimes, when I get a feeling towards mania (It feels like what I imagine mania feeling like if I were bipolar, which I sometimes get the feeling that I could be, but I don't fit all the right symptoms so I think I'm just a tad extreme sometimes or easily excitable when the weather is good for a few days and the dopamine is flowing. Whatever, but that's just background for you guys). When I get that way, I'll get impulsive. It happens especially when I'm feeling manic, but it can also happen when I'm feeling more depressed. I just stop thinking and become impulsive. I've grown a lot in the past three years and learned how to deal with it and work with it and gain control over it...but sometimes I still just react. The main thing I think is important about tonight is the fact that I stopped after a few sips and was able to give it away, not that I took the cup in eagerness.

 

[madison1101]

You may want to visit some AA meetings to get a clear understanding of what is involved in total sobriety. If I were to have a sip of wine, I would have to change my sobriety date, because a slip is a slip.

If you are that vulnerable to impulsive sipping, you are in danger of a bigger relapse. Most relapses start out with just a sip, or just one drink. Alcohol is insidious. It will lie, like the devil himself, and tell you that one sip is okay. One drink is okay. Well, in AA, and most recovery programs one is not okay. It is the beginnings of total relapses.

I hope you will check out some AA meetings and learn from the people there about how the 12 Steps and the fellowship can help you get and stay sober.

God bless.
Trish

 

[TheMainException]

I don't believe that one sip is a slip. I can't agree to the terms of AA. I'm not like the other people. One day I WILL be able to have a drink. One day, I WILL be sipping wine with my spaghetti. One day I WILL be having some beers around a small fire and discussing religion, politics, and life with some friends. One day, I WILL be going to a bar and relaxing over a mixed drink. And I won't need to get drunk to have a good time. It will be normal, it will be relaxing, and it will be a good time, all without sinning or having difficulties stopping. One will be enough. I'm no longer an alcoholic or substance abusers. I won't change the date. And I won't go to AA or NA.

I give my promise here for you to see. I will remain "sober" for at least the rest of my time in college. And from there on out, I will remain a non-alcoholic and undrunk for the rest of my life. Tipsy maybe, drunk no. By the grace of God, I will prevail. 19 days. I promise over a year. A slip of wine is no failure, fault or slip for me. I see it as a step closer to the Truth of the matter: My absolute freedom.

I might be impulsive at times, but I've begun to reopen my mind. I've begun to think before acting. It's happening less and less often now and I know that, as I move forward, I will see it happen a whole lot less. I won't let Satan destroy me with his trickery. I'll take action and win out. The Word will become flesh within me.

 

[BobW188]

Actually, my friend, you are still following the script to the letter: early enthusiasm for sobriety, leading directly to putting yourself in stiuations of risk, leading to taking a sip to "prove" you can stay in control and, last but not least, persuading yourself if no one else that you're "different."
I might add that I think no one here is buying into your 19 days. Back to #1, sweetie, so far as this thread is concerned. When we see people like Trish resetting their sobriety dates over something that didn't even involve alcohol, we tend to take these things very seriously.
What you're failing to see is that, over the last three weeks or so, you took the first three of the twelve steps. You admitted you were powerless, you turned it over to One who could restore you to sanity, you made an effort to turn your will and your life over to that One, and you sought out at least one person who'd been where you are as what amounts to a sponsor. And you're telling us you can't agree to the terms of AA?
You see, you're problem is one that all of us have except Jesus: you're willing to turn your will and your life over to God so long as you get to set the agenda and do what you want. Let me emphasize: we all do that in one degree or another; but some of us learn that He'll only let us take it so far. Sometimes, if we push it beyond that limit, He'll let us die. Worse yet, he'll let us have that living death you were going through not so long ago. The choice is up to you; but the results are up to Him.

Have you talked to that friend about that "sip?" The one whom yesterday you felt responsible to for helping you? Did you give him a moment's thought when you were handed that glass? Did you give any thought to that ex addict you were so hep on so recently? No, you thought of M. E.; and those initials say it all!
Sober through college? Well, that's hardly a problem - much less a promise - if you get to define sobriety! Whether it's Trish with what I think is a legitimate three months, Hotsauce with six, BlessEwe with three years or me with 25, we've at least got a definition that works. We are, we aren't. That simple.
It's the First Deadly Sin, kid; and it describes you to a "T."

 

[BlessEwe]

Well girl there is no sugar coating it for you, as your life is involved here, I love how there are good straight answers here, no fluff.

There is a saying in AA called the

The Sleeping Tiger

While active in our addiction the tiger is roaring wanting more, once you stop all activity of using the tiger goes to sleep.
You can stop for many years, and start using again The tiger wakes up, in the same place you left it off. Your brain never forgets, sometimes it can take a while to get right back there. Other times people with many many years clean ( like Bob), end up in a motel room dead with a liqueur bottle. Or Trish, with many years working with addicts, back to square one after relapsing. This is a powerful disease.
I always wondered why that happened after years clean and sober. And this is why Bob still works very hard for his sobriety even after 25 years. Time doesn't matter with this disease, if you start up again after college in time it will be like you never stopped.
If you are an addict now, dear sister You will always be an addict.

We all would love to stop now, and in a few years be normal and drink like others. But we are, and will be until we die, a person with the sleeping tiger wanting to run, just like it was before it slept.







><>

 

[TheMainException]

In defense against the second characteristic...I'd merely like to say that I did not purposely put myself into places of risk. I really didn't think my best friend would sit beside me with a glass and wine after I'd told him about my struggle and transformation. I also totally did not expect there to be wine, rum, and beer at my cousin's 16th b-day party. I was a tad shocked at the amount of alcohol in that house. I didn't take a sip to "prove" anything. I took a sip, realized what I needed to do and did it. I wasn't out to prove anything, there was no pride there...I was just glad I put it down. I had no interest in getting tipsy. I hate the feeling of being drunk. It's one of the absolute worst feelings I've ever felt.

What I can't come to grips with about AA is the fact that I'm not an alcoholic anymore. I seriously believe that whether you guys do or not. AA might have the right steps to recovering and I might be following them...but I don't think I want to go into a place where they would call me an alcoholic and a substance abuser for the rest of my life. I'm not and I won't be. I would walk in there and introduce myself and tell them I am not an alcoholic. Then I would sit down. They would proceed to tell me that I am and I'd have to explain it. They'd shake their heads thinking I'd fooled myself just like you guys think. I believe in victory.

When I said "sober" I guess I should have explained that better. I don't see an issue for myself with having a sip (yes, a sip, not a gulp, chug or whatever, a single SIP) of whatever someone is drinking. Not often, not just because...if it's something I've never had, maybe. I'm not gonna walk into a party and try everyone's drink. I don't plan on putting myself into situations I know will have alcohol, but it happens. I don't plan on taking many more sips, but I don't think it's wrong for me. I don't plan on hanging out with those people who drink alcohol all the time for the rest of my college career if they plan on drinking while I'm there.

And when I accepted that cup of wine, I really didn't think at all...the "sure" came out of my mouth so fast it almost felt like someone had said it for me.

It's said that true friends are the ones that grate on you...sharpen you, and are relentlessly trying to convict you of things when they truly believe in a truth. Although I wouldn't call you guys true friends from here, I think if we knew each other in 3d, we'd be good friends.


BlessEwe: No, I'm not. This is why I don't agree with AA. I believe in total healing, full victory. It's a dead tiger and he's mounted on my wall collecting dust. I'll show him to friends when they come over and explain to them how awesome my God is.

 

[BlessEwe]

Actually I sorta see us all as God sees us. From the inside and we can't see the outside. Although some on line people can really blow you away after finding out they were just scammers. But I believe we are all being honest here... and I am really feeling I am making some new friends here with you folks.

So back to >>>

What I see from almost everything you say, is something I said to myself one time or another. I had to reach complete bottom before I came to believe I needed everything AA talks about.

You are on your own journey, and I do feel we all care about what happens to your young life, maybe you don't have to go down the same road we did, or even die. Or be 50 years old starting recovery, with many lost years.

You are listening which is right on ( maybe not applying everything), and seeds are being planted. God will show you, He knows you better than anyone.

 

[TheMainException]

I try to at least listen...how can I think you to be right or wrong if I don't at least read what you write and think about it? I might not agree, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't take what you say and think about it for a while afterwards.

I think my rock bottom happened already...I don't want to go any lower than that.

 

[madison1101]

My heart aches for you, Main Exception, because I was exactly where you are at one time. I tried to believe I was cured, healed, whatever, but I learned that there is healed, and then there is "healed." I liken it to someone who has cancer...Alcoholism is a disease which can be put into remission. You have the choice on whether or not your alcoholism is in remission, or active. Very few cancer patients I know, strong men and women of faith, who pray for God's healing, will see their cancer completely cured. Some do, though few and far between. BUT, many of those people of faith have seen their cancer taken into remission. Were they cured. Not really. It was a battle before it went into remission.

My alcoholism is a physical addiction. I am certain, from everything you have shared, that yours is as well. I also believe that you are playing with fire by sipping. God bless you in your quest to prove us wrong. I just pray that if you don't prove us wrong, you don't end up doing some of the stuff we alcoholics are capable of doing.

 

[madison1101]

By the way...I forgot to mention. AA does not require you to call yourself an alcoholic. The only requirement for membership is the DESIRE to stop drinking. What you call yourself is your business. Some people call themselves recovering alcoholics. Some call themselves recovered. In the Big Book, they referred to themselves as recovered alcoholics.

I suggest you read the Big Book, which can be accessed online at Alcoholics Anonymous :
The first part of the Big Book is where I learned the most about alcoholism and recovery.

It would not hurt you to attend and learn about the 12 steps. The 12 steps are a guide for living, alcoholic or not. People in Al-Anon learn and practice the steps. They are excellent for providing the spiritual recovery I need.

God bless.

Trish

 

[TheMainException]

I might eventually attend AA to check it out, but with 3 weeks of school left, no car, few friends with cars, finals coming and feeling fine about life, happier than I ever have been, etc...I don't want to go now. Also, it would mean switching groups after 3 weeks of getting to know them.

Yea...I understand remission...I've seen my dad go 3 months without drinking. Looked like no sweat. He could only do it if he was putting almost nothing else into his body though either. He'd go on crash diets where the control was all about eating 3 apples a day or whatever he did. He'd do it for like, 3 months and then spend a week eating, drinking, and doing nothing on vacation. After that then, he'd be back to normal.

If I start flailing...it will be because 1. something horrific and drastic happened 2. I was possessed. Since 2 is illogical and not possible, 1 is the only possible explanation. There is a 3...but I'd hope that I'd not allow that to happen...it can creep back into my life. But by that point, I'd hope that I had enough close friends who knew when I was going down and would slap me back into reality.

 

[BobW188]

Who said anything about switching groups? If your church is helping you, by all means stay with it and add AA. And why are you so afraid to label yourself alcoholic? There are no more moral overtones to addicition than there are to influenza. It's what you do when you drink thathas moral consequences. Besides, saying you're an alcoholic at an AA meeting is like saying you're a singer at choir practice, or a Democrat at an Obama rally.
The big thing is, gal: get humble. This is one thing where you don't get to write all the rules.
By the way, and again in reference to your reluctance to call yourself an alcoholic. Do Trish, BlessEwe, Hotsauce and I come across as shrinking violets unwilling to discuss ourselves candidly? I don't think so! I think you're overlooking something: we're survivors. A man told the Pharisees, "I was blind, now I can see." We can each say, "I should be dead; but I'm alive."
For you to be ashamed of calling yourself an alcoholic is right up there with a wounded soldier being afraid to wear a Purple Heart medal. Just as that medal doesn't fully describe him, your condition doesn't fully describe you.

 

[TheMainException]

Bob...I'd have to switch groups because my college is 45 minutes from my home. When I go back home for the summer, driving 45 minutes to AA is not viable, that's what I mean about having to switch groups, I'd have to go to one closer to home then.

I don't want to label myself an alcoholic because I am no longer an alcoholic. It's like someone with AIDS who is cured by God saying that they still have AIDS. Why spit in God's face when you know the truth of the matter? That's what I downright refuse it. I'm not ashamed of it. I've finally opened up to telling my friends that I used to be a drug addict and alcoholic. But I'm not still a drug addict. I'm not still an alcoholic. Does a free man yet scream that he is a prisoner as he stands without shackled hands and feet holding the documents of his release? In no way. He says, I was once a prisoner, but now I'm free. Yes, I'm a survivor. Yes, I should still be dying. Yes, I should even still be struggling with every single day and every single drink that goes into the stomach of another. But what I struggle with is simply remember that I'm not that any more and I CAN say no. I'm not an alcoholic or drug addict, I'm recovered. I'm cured. It's only crazy sounding because you've never seen it before...you've never encountered anyone who can claim this and actually IS cured. Sure, you've found many who claim it and then fall into the pit again. I believe I'm healed and I'm sticking to that until the day it becomes glaringly obvious that I'm not.

 

[madison1101]

First of all, people visit all sorts of AA groups. I go to several a week, and each is different. There is no reason not to attend an AA meeting or two at college, and then go during the summer at home.

Secondly, what makes you so sure you are not still physically addicted to the alcohol? You sure have a lot of the characteristics of alcoholics who come into the AA rooms. It would appear that God did not cure you entirely of all of your alcoholism. If He had, you would not have sipped that alcohol at the party, nor made excuses. Denial of being alcoholic is a classic response of most of us early on.

Good luck,
Trish

 

[TheMainException]

I dunno...Madison...I read what you said...then sat back and thought about it for a bit. I just dunno. I feel like...there was NO thought process. Does that mean it was simply old habits breaking through? Or alcoholism? I'm not sure. Would I have set it down had it been alcoholism? Or kept drinking? Am I just a very strong alcoholic or a very habitual and impulsive free person? I lean on the impulsive free person side...and still believe that...but I'll keep thinking about it and watch myself.

 

[madison1101]

I dunno...Madison...I read what you said...then sat back and thought about it for a bit. I just dunno. I feel like...there was NO thought process. Does that mean it was simply old habits breaking through? Or alcoholism? I'm not sure. Would I have set it down had it been alcoholism? Or kept drinking? Am I just a very strong alcoholic or a very habitual and impulsive free person? I lean on the impulsive free person side...and still believe that...but I'll keep thinking about it and watch myself.

I am glad you are thinking. One of the major problems I had early on was not acting on my impulses. It took a lot of prayer, and accountability to break my willful patterns, which were pure impulses. I remember one of the things my therapist said to me very early on in a session, "Impulse control."

I never learned frustration tolerance, or self-soothing as a child. I have had to teach it to myself, and practice doing self-soothing every day. The nice thing about AA is that it teaches a lot of self-soothing skills to me. I learned prayer and meditation. I learned to use the telephone to call women in AA when I had the urge to drink. I learned to talk to my sponsor about upcoming events, to think about the possibility of alcohol being an issue. Example: I went to a Phillies baseball game yesterday. There was a lot of beer there, including two of the people I was with. I knew it would be there, but I also knew my son would not like to see me drink, so it was not really an issue. I learned to call my sponsor to vent when I was jammed up. In therapy, I learned to do deep breathing exercises and visualization exercises. I also learned to journal.

I will keep praying for you.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[TheMainException]

Thankfully, I've learned a lot of these techniques through having to deal with depression (which I have also been cured of...another near-impossibility). I've been journaling, writing poems, deep breathing, attempting to meditate and using other (mostly) buddhist practices that involve dissociating from the emotion and seeing it as a thing that exists and not latching onto it with all I've got. It's been very helpful to do these things. I grabbed hold of this book by Derren Brown called "Tricks of the Mind." He's in no way Christian, actually a proclaimed atheist...but a lot of the stuff in his book (he's a magician and mentalist actually) is so useful for me. Some of his memory and visualization tricks actually helped me to get an A on a really hard test. His hypnosis tricks (visualization for a good deal as well) are useful in a variety of ways. It's one of the reasons I'm in such a good place today...because of all those resources. I've been talking with my friend (NiN, as I've named him) a bit about things and he's been very helpful and talked about his struggles with his friends drinking with him around. He said it can be just downright boring when you go out with some people to a club or something and they drink the whole time and your just like..."yea...what to do now?" God's given me all the resources I need to stay clean and totally straight. I'm using a good deal of them. There's no way I want to go back to that life. Part of the God-cure is being the cure. I've got all the answers to solve this...I just need to use them. I'm using all the ones I need to and if I find I need to use more, I will.

I think I got help at the perfect time. It was an odd happening and I know God had a major hand in it. It's really the only explanation.

 

[BobW188]

Does a free man scream he's a prisoner? No, but a parolee or an ex-con better keep his past in mind or he's going to repeat it. (And, take it from the Ol' Jailer, it's the recidivists who crowd jails and prisons.) Who went home justified, the one who asked for mercy on "me, a miserable sinner" or the one who thanked God he was not like other men.

Get humble, gal. The proud don't make it in this game. I knew a man who quit drinking for 26 years after he saw it was impacting his work and marriage. Stayed sober until he retired and his wife died, restarted, and was in court ordered treatment within six months. That's after more than a quarter century of sobriety. In my jailin' days, I took so many six month and one year chips off incoming drunks that it's a wonder I ever called AA. I'm not buying off on you being free forever after nineteen days and a slip.

At least in this aspect of your life, you want to be The Exception by denying something. Take it from me: the key to you both being and becoming exceptional is to affirm it; to claim it. The key to being strong is to acknowledge where you are weak.

 

[madison1101]

Yea...I understand remission...I've seen my dad go 3 months without drinking. Looked like no sweat. He could only do it if he was putting almost nothing else into his body though either. He'd go on crash diets where the control was all about eating 3 apples a day or whatever he did. He'd do it for like, 3 months and then spend a week eating, drinking, and doing nothing on vacation. After that then, he'd be back to normal.

If I start flailing...it will be because 1. something horrific and drastic happened 2. I was possessed. Since 2 is illogical and not possible, 1 is the only possible explanation. There is a 3...but I'd hope that I'd not allow that to happen...it can creep back into my life. But by that point, I'd hope that I had enough close friends who knew when I was going down and would slap me back into reality.

I have been pondering what to say about this part of your post...

First, your father. I would not say your father was in recovery. It sounds like he was in a dry drunk. That is not drinking, but not working a program of recovery either.

The other thing that hit me was your first reason you might start flailing. "something horrific and drastic happened." I have seen AAs stay sober, not drink one drop, after family members have died. My AA sponsor lost her mother, sister and husband in one year, and she did not drink. I have watched AAs bury their children, and not drink. People have lost jobs, and not drank. We have a saying in AA. We don't drink under any and all circumstances.

I am concerned about your thoughts here.

God bless.
Trish

 

[TheMainException]

I don't know what drastic would be...but I feel like it wouldn't happen. Drastic would have to be a whole lot of junk falling upon me at once...my brothers, sisters, mom, dad all dying, losing my job, my husband dying. That would probably cause me to drink and do drugs. The likely-hood of that all happening at once: basically zero. For me...death is not a big deal...money, not a big deal...I have friends and family who will support me in times of need...living with nothing is not a big deal. I've gone through depression, found answers and come closer to God...again, addictions...I've gone through it and come out the other side. Anxiety...SI...rough childhood...I'm almost a senior in college and I'm alive and well with some amazing friends and a future ahead of me that I know God wants. Tragic is as tragic goes...but whatever happens happens. ____ happens, get over it. (nearly) everyone dies, gets sick, has problems, feels bad, needs money, has a rough time...whatever. It happens. You get help and get stronger because of it. I feel like...if I were to go back to my addictions because of some major bad happening, it wouldn't be just because of that major bad happening...it would be because I allowed Satan's ideas and words to take root in my brain again. It would be the final straw in a huge pile of stuff laid as a trap for me. I don't see this happening...but I always lay out the possibilities so I can see what to avoid.

I see what you mean about the dry drunk part...yea.