Today's time has passed

[madison1101]

I went on the site, but I haven't gotten to one yet. There's one tomorrow and I'm pretty sure I'm not going anywhere. I still feel pretty awful, eating the BRAT diet and trying to keep the food from coming out of me as a liquid from more than one place.

School starts in september. I'm going to be going a lot of places this summer, so I'm going to try and work as much as possible and if I'm going to work, I need to feel good, in order to feel good, I can't be on chemicals.

Most of all...I've been trying to fight my use with reasons...but there is only one fighting thing that wins out. There is no because. It simply is. You know when your parents say "just because." Well, God doesn't even bother. He just looks at you...and you know...he doesn't even need to say anything. That's my anti-drug.

I have plenty of good reasons not to drink. But, they don't keep me sober. If they did, I would never have relapsed 18 months ago, or the many times since then.

 

[BlessEwe]

I went on the site, but I haven't gotten to one yet. There's one tomorrow and I'm pretty sure I'm not going anywhere. I still feel pretty awful, eating the BRAT diet and trying to keep the food from coming out of me as a liquid from more than one place.

School starts in september. I'm going to be going a lot of places this summer, so I'm going to try and work as much as possible and if I'm going to work, I need to feel good, in order to feel good, I can't be on chemicals.

Most of all...I've been trying to fight my use with reasons...but there is only one fighting thing that wins out. There is no because. It simply is. You know when your parents say "just because." Well, God doesn't even bother. He just looks at you...and you know...he doesn't even need to say anything. That's my anti-drug.

It is good to be busy, but I know recovery needs to be first and foremost on the list. Always
I think if you go to some of these online ones at first, you may find that you really have a lot in common, and actually like it.
Sometimes a slip like you are experiencing right now is a eye opener that you in fact do need help. I do hope you have hit the bottom, and are ready to reach out...To live!

 

[madison1101]

Ha...I'm not out to prove you guys wrong anymore...I'm just out to stop messing myself up like a fool. Those posts I made last night make me sick and the fact that stuff started to get fuzzy bothers me. I hate who I am when I'm drunk and I say way more than I should. I hate being drunk. No wonder I threw up...I make myself sick. There's a whole lot more I'd like to say....but I"ll let it slip by you and hold onto it...

Most people, when they tell their story, discuss the ugliness of their last binge and the guilt, shame and remorse they felt so that the newcomers can relate and see there is hope of never having to feel that way. I appreciate when I hear it because I have a really good forgetter in my brain, and I need to be reminded of why I am working the steps. I will not stay sober if I don't hear other people's stories and dig into the steps on a regular basis.

Satan wants me to forget and allows me to forget when I get lazy and stop going to meetings and working on my program. I don't see why he would treat you any differently.

 

[TheMainException]

I just reread something I wrote 3 years ago before I started college (before starting drugs and drinking too)....this is a small excerpt of what I wrote to myself...it's actually a dialogue if you can figure out what belongs to which person.

He does. I know he does. He'll hear you.
Don't joke with me. You know he hasn't come by in ages. Only one has, just once, even though he responds...he hasn't today, has he? You're a fool to believe it. And what will happen to you when you're older? It's not far away you know. Only months now. You're dying and you know it. Don't mess with fate. It catches up to all of you pitiful beings of thought.
I'll be fine. I'll go on. I am prepared. You've seen my preparing. I'll be ready, flood or fire.
You'll be a drug addict. Everyone knows. I'm not the only one who can see it. Who will read this? I know you are always recording everything for the world to see.
Didn't we already go through this?
Ha, sorry...I just get so caught up, I sometimes repeat myself.
I won't be addicted to anything.
You are now. Why won't you just go to the next level? You have the right personality for it. I know you.


After that point, the person who represents me freaked out and told the accuser to leave. I think that he was referring to caffeine when he said that "you are now" addicted to something. That's the only thing I can think because I don't think I was doing drugs yet at that point.

My 'reason' isn't exactly a reason, which is what makes it different...it's a "no." and then a 180 and ignorance of the desire. A lot of times I say "I" and "me" like I'm referring to myself. I often skip the fact that I'm including God in the equation. There is a bit of pride, but it's not bad pride. It's like "yo, my daddy's got my back, I'll crawl out of the hole eventually, but it'll actually be him pulling me onto his lap, so back off." Not like "I can beat this. I box with bigger fools using only my teeth."

And I am doing a bunch of the steps, just kinda without keeping track or even realizing it, but maybe after I talk to the people in the online meeting a bit I'll have a better view of things.

 

[BlessEwe]

It all comes down to letting go of our control, and reaching out to Jesus. Close our eyes and walk of the cliff of trusting Him. Doors of Hope and change Will happen.
Not caring who knows of our situation, opening our ears and mind to the people God places before us. Some being God in the flesh. Allow God to mold you into the young woman He wants you to be.

Mainexception you may not be physically dependent yet, but it is a promise the progression of the disease is right around the corner and the word Junkie comes to mind. Take it from a recovering Junkie.

You have 2 choices right now

1. Continue on saying you can control this yourself

or 2. Except the help, become humble and work your buns off to save your life. Allow God to get in there to heal you from the things that are putting you into the pit of shame and defeat. Doing anything and everything you can to learn about your disease, and not being ashamed but proud of yourself.

You love Jesus, He loves you so very much, and wants the very best for you.​

 

[TheMainException]

Yea, you guys don't get it. Same as every other time in every other place with every other person.

 

[madison1101]

Yea, you guys don't get it. Same as every other time in every other place with every other person.

Well, I believe you are the one that does not get it. I can't speak for anyone else here, but you sound like everybody I have ever spoken to in AA, including me, when I first started coming to meetings and attempting the program.

"I am different." "I can handle it." "I don't need meetings, sponsor, or the Big Book." "I have Jesus, and God and He is all I need."

I said everyone of those things over and over again for years.

So, yes, I do get it. You are no different than I was when I was younger, and first struggling with my drinking.

Good luck. I hope you do not have an ugly bottom, like the young people in my treatment group. Some have lost a lot, and are homeless and living in recovery houses.

 

[BlessEwe]

Yea, you guys don't get it. Same as every other time in every other place with every other person.

Wow! perhaps everyone see's you going down a dead end path sister, going no where! What did you expect in a alcoholic recovery forum. Enable you, and pat you on the back.

 

[madison1101]

Wow! perhaps everyone see's you going down a dead end path sister, going no where! What did you expect in a alcoholic recovery forum. Enable you, and pat you on the back.

Bless Ewe:

This reminds me of my expectations of therapy. I honestly thought that I would just talk about what a rotten life I had, whine and complain about my horrible husband, and be told, that I was justified in my drinking, the "FEW" times I got drunk. What a shock when my therapist cornered me and insisted I get my butt to AA meetings. The more I resisted, the more he pushed me. He is a really tough guy, who does not enable, nor does he fall for any of the lame excuses I tried to use to get out of working my program. He basically saved my life and my sanity with his hard edge attitude. If he had not been so tough on me, I probably would have quit therapy and kept drinking.

 

[BlessEwe]

I agree Trish, getting angry is part of the process. Taking a good hard look at the reality of our inner self, and the excuses of denial that keep us blinded to the truth so we can have that little dark corner to find an way to use.
The freedom and peace that we experience when we finally cut it all loose and allow God to shine in the light. Secrets keep us sick.
MainException: we are Sooooo here if you need us. But really don't expect us to Fluff around and enable you. Addicts are very smart people, and are also master manipulators. These are all classic behaviors!
We ( once in recovery ) really care for the ones out there hurting, and the 12th step of AA is

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

 

[madison1101]

I agree Trish, getting angry is part of the process. Taking a good hard look at the reality of our inner self, and the excuses of denial that keep us blinded to the truth so we can have that little dark corner to find an way to use.
The freedom and peace that we experience when we finally cut it all loose and allow God to shine in the light. Secrets keep us sick.
MainException: we are Sooooo here if you need us. But really don't expect us to Fluff around and enable you. Addicts are very smart people, and are also master manipulators. These are all classic behaviors!
We ( once in recovery ) really care for the ones out there hurting, and the 12th step of AA is

I totally agree that I will not fluff this stuff when I know it works. I have spent the past 20 years of my life making all sorts of excuses for why I relapse over and over again. Bottom line, I am no different than any other alcoholic/addict just like I am no different than a sinner needing a savior. Being a Christian does not make me special as an alcoholic, nor does it exempt me from needing other people.

Main Exception: One of the things I have learned about my alcoholism is that secrets are what kept me drinking and kept me out there. Telling my family was a good thing. Embarassing? Of course. So what? You are a human and you have an addiction. What you decide to do about it is totally up to you. BUT, I have no clue why you would expect those of us who have found a solution to our alcoholism and addictions to not share what we found that works.

I find it interesting that the three most active people who are actually in recovery that are helping you are a) Christians, b) working a 12 Step program of recovery, and c) working in some capacity in the recovery field, and have done extensive study of alcoholism and addictions. Is it at all possible that we just might know more than you about this issue, and are able to see through your denial more clearly than you are? Pray and ask God to make blind eyes see.

 

[TheMainException]

I'm not ignoring you guys. I read and reread what you've written. I've just had nothing left to say for a while, I've had to think and be silent. It's all been said and the more I explain, the more you already know it seems. You read so far into my words that I'm starting to think you're responding to a different person. I do look around at myself now and again and think "who have I become?" but I've thought that forever and still haven't figured out who I am, although I reckon I'll be finding out soon enough.

You thought that I might have hit bottom...naw. I hit bottom a long time ago, a bunch of times. The worst was blacking out at 9 pm and throwing up on my shoes and everything else and other junk happened. What happened last week wasn't bottom. It sounded bad, yea...of course it did. It was horrible to experience, but at least I got to experience that. The scariest part of blacking out is realizing that you have no clue what happened. What happened last week wasn't scary. i wasn't out of control (I made three bad decisions that were compounded upon one another tho). I remembered the scenario. It sucked, yea. But it wasn't bottom. (I did throw up by the way, nearly projectile).

I've seen both sides. I've lived in both worlds. I've been the one who knows that it's not about "sucking it up" and I've been the one to tell myself and others "suck it up." I've felt the good parts. I've felt the bad parts. I've walked with the cool kids. I've walked with the losers. I've been the bad kid. I've been the good kid. I've been the therapist. I've been the patient. I've lived. I've died. I've been sick. I've been cured. I've been like everyone else and I've been different.

I know we might never agree this time. For my sake, I hope that's true. My destiny is coming swiftly, carried by the wind. The bullet is already in the chamber. I refuse to believe that Calvin was right...which makes every step a vital part of living and dying and a whole multitude of people are riding on the waves I'm supposed to make. If I don't fly, they might never ride to the sandy beaches of paradise.

 

[BobW188]

All this from someone who's afraid to tell her mother she's going to an NA meeting. Who says she wants to be sober but keeps a stash of seeds handy.

Bottom line: if you want to do it your way, and overlook the fact that it doesn't work, that's your privilege. We won't stop you and can't stop you. You'll be far from the first to decide she doesn't want what we've got. We're used to it. There are others who do. The fact is, if you end up in jail, a locked ward or the morgue, our lives will go on as they are already. I've read more obits of people I knew and liked who died addicted than I've got fingers; and I remain an essentially happy man leading an essentially happy life. I - and I sincerely believe anyone else who wants to and is willing to do what it takes - can get to Paradise quite nicely without you.

You said it yourself, kid: "the bullet is in the chamber." Yep, and you know where the gun is pointed, and you know who's holding it, and you know who's the only one who can put it down. The choice is entirely up to you. You must get help if you want to live. You've told us over and over again how you've tried on your own and failed. (Just like us.) You know we've been where you are. This "I've Looked At Life From Both Sides Now" ain't gonna cut it with us here who are twice your age - in my case, three times your age. We've shared enough, you know we haven't lived in bell jars.

Get help

 

[TheMainException]

And yet you still missed what I said. I guess I'm done here. Go on with your merry life. I'll go on with mine. No loss in that.

 

[BlessEwe]

And yet you still missed what I said. I guess I'm done here. Go on with your merry life. I'll go on with mine. No loss in that.

I think the biggest change I see in recovery is Gratitude, even when things are not agreed upon.
Perhaps you think we will give up on you, but when someones life is at stake giving up is not an option. Go ahead and be crabby, but it doesn't change what we feel.

Micheal Jackson died from perhaps a overdose of morphine, or long term use of pain pills. It is so sad to see so many enable him when he had so much more to live.
He knew he may die this way, and tried many times to find recovery. He too was afraid to dig in deep and deal with his inner conflicts.
I am not going to just sit and let you go on again how You will stop on your own.
When you want the help I am here anytime.

 

[madison1101]

The Apostle Paul spoke about something that reminds me of this discussion.

1 Corinthians 13 says:
11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

Main Exception: You must realize that you are still very much like a child. Most addicts and alcoholics are, until they get into some recovery program, and stop the using/abusing/drinking behaviors. I believe you are the child Paul is talking about here.

We are twice your age, and have been in recovery much longer. I have been in AA, and therapy since you are one year old. I believe that Bob, BlessEwe and I are able to say that we have, or are, putting away childish things.

You seem to want your cake and eat it too. In AA, I heard a saying once that said, "If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it is probably a duck." If you talk like an addict, and act like an addict, you are still, most definitely an addict. You will change your behavior and your life when you decide to. Until then, you will have an attitude of a "know it all" and act like we are clueless, much like my son who has been in and our of three rehabs and is still drinking. He thinks I have no clue about him.

My prayer is that you manage to stay alive, and not end up in a morgue, with a lot of the addicts and alcoholics I have seen in and out of recovery who just never got it. The disease is most definitely progressive, and it will get uglier someday, maybe not right away, but someday, if you continue to play games. Playing games is childish and an adult who is serious about dealing with addiction/alcoholism is not into game playing, but serious about being OPEN to suggestions, and trying them. HONEST about who they are and not constantly in denial, and WILLING to go to any length to NOT USE/DRINK.

God bless you as you decide how you want to spend the rest of your life. You have the choices. You have been told your options. What you decide is totally up to you.

 

[TheMainException]

(and going on with my merry life just so happens to mean that I will STILL respond to the things sent my way, i can't even help it. I'll never be done here).

I'm sorry to be a grouch. If I were withdrawing from something, I might understand.

And I do understand something now...your ways, your "rigid" ways that I can't stand...they're really your only way to stay alive. I get it.


I don't think you'll give up on me. Bob might get fed up with me (I know you do for sure) and others might roll your eyes as well but like you've been "in recovery" for nearly my entire life, you've also all been addicts much longer than I have. I've been an addict for 9 months. Before that, you know what I was? A user. Just because I used pot doesn't mean I was abusing it (you can only abuse if there is a way to use). I drank, but I wasn't addicted. Used other things, but was not under any compulsions. So, for 9 months, I've been an addict. For about a year, I've had problems with alcohol. It's only been 2 years since I even started using anything, drugs or alcohol. If this were meth, I'd be out the door. If this were heroin, I might not be here. But it's minor stuff that moves slow. (You wouldn't think it's minor because you've been on the bad end of the deal, I realize that).

It's not like I don't have support. I've got a solid base of friends who are consistently giving me support. But there's just stuff you keep missing about all this. Whether I was in AA or NA or not, it wouldn't make a difference from what I've got now. I still wouldn't call anyone or tell anyone when I was going to drink or do drugs. But when I get to that point, I've got 5 people who I can call who will listen to me and talk me through it. I've started telling people the truth. I've shown them the ugly side of the coin and a few have even seen me in action, drinking expired alcohol that no one else would drink. the people I hang out with, they know the truth and they don't bother bringing alcohol around me anymore and they tame me down and when I talk about getting a drink, they give me the eye.

I don't think I'll ever go to AA/NA, but I'm not ruling it out. It would be more for educational purposes tho I think. I get crabby because all of us are saying the same stuff we've been saying and you all think you're hearing the same things every other addict says. Everyone wants to think their different. Few actually know it. (yea, I have the audacity to say that). You haven't stood where I've stood. Seen what I've seen. Talked to the people I've talked to. You guys think that your lives align enough to mine to know what I'm talking about, to know the bullet I must take. But you can't grasp what I'm talking about because my bullet is so unlike yours. It has nothing to do with addiction, it's far beyond that. The day my life moved from the path of most addicts is when I knew I was no longer bound. The band on my head was loosed. The chains of addiction came off. I am not held by addictions now, but old habits and a desire to reach into something beyond myself. Both of which have easy answers.

When I wanted something, I reached out and took it. I rarely struggled like the rest of you. I rarely tried. Sometimes I could really use some alcohol. But I just turn it off now. It's not so easy for addicts. I can turn it off. Sometimes I just didn't want to and sometimes are a bit harder than others. But then I realize, it's not about wanting to, just do it.

You guys are a perfect trio for this, I swear. You're the best. I do love you guys.

 

[madison1101]

(and going on with my merry life just so happens to mean that I will STILL respond to the things sent my way, i can't even help it. I'll never be done here).

I'm sorry to be a grouch. If I were withdrawing from something, I might understand.

And I do understand something now...your ways, your "rigid" ways that I can't stand...they're really your only way to stay alive. I get it.


I don't think you'll give up on me. Bob might get fed up with me (I know you do for sure) and others might roll your eyes as well but like you've been "in recovery" for nearly my entire life, you've also all been addicts much longer than I have. I've been an addict for 9 months. Before that, you know what I was? A user. Just because I used pot doesn't mean I was abusing it (you can only abuse if there is a way to use). I drank, but I wasn't addicted. Used other things, but was not under any compulsions. So, for 9 months, I've been an addict. For about a year, I've had problems with alcohol. It's only been 2 years since I even started using anything, drugs or alcohol. If this were meth, I'd be out the door. If this were heroin, I might not be here. But it's minor stuff that moves slow. (You wouldn't think it's minor because you've been on the bad end of the deal, I realize that).

It's not like I don't have support. I've got a solid base of friends who are consistently giving me support. But there's just stuff you keep missing about all this. Whether I was in AA or NA or not, it wouldn't make a difference from what I've got now. I still wouldn't call anyone or tell anyone when I was going to drink or do drugs. But when I get to that point, I've got 5 people who I can call who will listen to me and talk me through it. I've started telling people the truth. I've shown them the ugly side of the coin and a few have even seen me in action, drinking expired alcohol that no one else would drink. the people I hang out with, they know the truth and they don't bother bringing alcohol around me anymore and they tame me down and when I talk about getting a drink, they give me the eye.

I don't think I'll ever go to AA/NA, but I'm not ruling it out. It would be more for educational purposes tho I think. I get crabby because all of us are saying the same stuff we've been saying and you all think you're hearing the same things every other addict says. Everyone wants to think their different. Few actually know it. (yea, I have the audacity to say that). You haven't stood where I've stood. Seen what I've seen. Talked to the people I've talked to. You guys think that your lives align enough to mine to know what I'm talking about, to know the bullet I must take. But you can't grasp what I'm talking about because my bullet is so unlike yours. It has nothing to do with addiction, it's far beyond that. The day my life moved from the path of most addicts is when I knew I was no longer bound. The band on my head was loosed. The chains of addiction came off. I am not held by addictions now, but old habits and a desire to reach into something beyond myself. Both of which have easy answers.

When I wanted something, I reached out and took it. I rarely struggled like the rest of you. I rarely tried. Sometimes I could really use some alcohol. But I just turn it off now. It's not so easy for addicts. I can turn it off. Sometimes I just didn't want to and sometimes are a bit harder than others. But then I realize, it's not about wanting to, just do it.

You guys are a perfect trio for this, I swear. You're the best. I do love you guys.

It is interesting that the only behavior that you talk about NOT doing IF you were to go to AA/NA is calling someone when you are tempted to drink. That is NOT what AA is about. Phone calls are recommended, but they are not the 12 Steps. Some people just call people to get to know one another. Some people call people for rides to meetings. Some people call people to ask them how they are doing, and learn how they work the steps. Phone calls are not just about stopping a drink or drug relapse.

AA is about the 12 steps of recovery. Have you ever really been to a meeting to learn what it is really about, or are you just basing your excuse for never going on the idea that some people use the telephone as a lifeline so they don't relapse?

1. WE admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.
It is great that you have five friends who can support you. I have several friends who do not have alcohol problems that I can also talk to, BUT, they still have no clue what it is like to be drunk, or want to die because of the alcoholism I have experienced. When I talk about those things with people in AA, they empathize and totally get it, and I am accepted and loved, no matter who is there, because every single person in that room has experienced at least one drunken episode and felt the guilt, shame and remorse the next day.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to insanity.
This means that I have been insane, because sanity means soundness of mind. A sane person does not want to die, and protects their body from deadly amounts of any poison that will kill them, unlike ME who drank bottles of wine in short periods of time, until totally blacked out.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him.
I repeatedly must work this step because I am an Indian giver, and take my will back from the Lord multiple times a day sometimes. Not just turning over my alcohol problem, but my time, my jobs, my home, my choices, my finances, my relationships, my .......the list is endless.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
This is where I am currently at. I am working on a list of people, places and institutions that I have had resentments or bitterness toward. I am writing about how these people, places or institutions may have "hurt" me. I am looking at the anger I may have had or still have toward those people. I am also examining if those people have ever contributed to my deep fears.

5. Admitted to God, to myself and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
This is where I share Step 4 with someone I trust completely. I usually prefer to share it with a pastor or a trusted Christian friend, but I have also done Step five with sponsors from time to time. The key thing is to trust that person will not judge you for anything you share, and to trust them not to reveal anything you share with them. This is where I learned that I am not the only person in the world who has done X, Y, or Z.

This is where I am going to stop for now. Only because this is where I have basically always been stuck before a relapse. I never quite got the other 7 Steps.

Now that I have discussed the first five steps of AA, did I mention a phone in any of that? No, because the phone has little to do with the steps. I use the phone to talk to my sponsor and to call newcomers to encourage them, and to get to know women I meet in a meeting. But, they have little to do with working the steps, except to discuss them with my sponsor if I do not see her face to face.

I hope you will examine your reasons for not attending AA, and learning the truth about the program. You seem to be taking hearsay and using it as evidence to justify not attending a meeting.

 

[TheMainException]

Trish...I do those steps. I live through them constantly. I don't feel a need to write them down...but I've spent my life getting angry and finding out the truth about forgiveness. I've spent the past three years of my life slowly forgiving my father for everything he's done and everything he hasn't done. The best way I've ever been able to get to know him (and continue to forgive him) is to begin the healing process and forgiving him. I'm freeing both of us that way...and maybe someday he'll even stop drinking because of it. Steps 5 and 6 are never ending steps. We always hurt others and always must confess this. People always hurt us and we need to forgive them. These are times I'm not upset to have a memory as bad as mine though. Remember all the times I've hurt people...I remember a lot more than I want to...but I know I don't even remember 1% of those times. I can hardly remember anything before 5th grade...just a few spotty memories that could have been made from pictures I saw of things and I just think they're memories. I've lost my childhood...I've either got a very bad memory, or a very bad childhood. I haven't got a very long life, so I haven't yet made too many mistakes...let's see...I can only remember half my life anyway...and even the half I remember is hard to remember. I've lost some of that too...just gone, like it never happened...minus those strange pictures that tell the stories.

You know all those times when I say "I"m in control," "I can handle it," "I can turn it off." Yea...I speak in metaphors as if it were reality. But I hate explaining them sometimes. It gets me tired. I gave up control to this that night the chains were loosed. I'd come to my lowest point and handed it over. In return, he gave me power over it. It's not my power, it's His. So, really, I've really still got no control. When I defer the evil from myself and let the boss take care of it, it seems like it just takes care of itself. I stop fighting. I used to think it was about quoting scripture or praying hard or something. When I release any control I think I have, His power flows through me like I'm a copper wire.

Although He's restored me to sanity, I still love the insanity. I still serve two masters. The more I stare into His eyes, the closer He draws me and the further I get from my old master. I'm with you on that indian giver part.

You think I haven't read the steps. I've looked into it, read a few parts of the Book too.

I do want to go to AA/NA. It would be quite the trip. I'd have to drink some tea before hand, otherwise I'd probably forget to breathe my anxiety would be so bad...but I do think I'd enjoy it. My reasons for not going at this point really do boil down to not wanting my mom to find out. That's ultimately what I fear the most.

 

[madison1101]

Trish...I do those steps. I live through them constantly. I don't feel a need to write them down...but I've spent my life getting angry and finding out the truth about forgiveness. I've spent the past three years of my life slowly forgiving my father for everything he's done and everything he hasn't done. The best way I've ever been able to get to know him (and continue to forgive him) is to begin the healing process and forgiving him. I'm freeing both of us that way...and maybe someday he'll even stop drinking because of it. Steps 5 and 6 are never ending steps. We always hurt others and always must confess this. People always hurt us and we need to forgive them. These are times I'm not upset to have a memory as bad as mine though. Remember all the times I've hurt people...I remember a lot more than I want to...but I know I don't even remember 1% of those times. I can hardly remember anything before 5th grade...just a few spotty memories that could have been made from pictures I saw of things and I just think they're memories. I've lost my childhood...I've either got a very bad memory, or a very bad childhood. I haven't got a very long life, so I haven't yet made too many mistakes...let's see...I can only remember half my life anyway...and even the half I remember is hard to remember. I've lost some of that too...just gone, like it never happened...minus those strange pictures that tell the stories.

You know all those times when I say "I"m in control," "I can handle it," "I can turn it off." Yea...I speak in metaphors as if it were reality. But I hate explaining them sometimes. It gets me tired. I gave up control to this that night the chains were loosed. I'd come to my lowest point and handed it over. In return, he gave me power over it. It's not my power, it's His. So, really, I've really still got no control. When I defer the evil from myself and let the boss take care of it, it seems like it just takes care of itself. I stop fighting. I used to think it was about quoting scripture or praying hard or something. When I release any control I think I have, His power flows through me like I'm a copper wire.

Although He's restored me to sanity, I still love the insanity. I still serve two masters. The more I stare into His eyes, the closer He draws me and the further I get from my old master. I'm with you on that indian giver part.

You think I haven't read the steps. I've looked into it, read a few parts of the Book too.

I do want to go to AA/NA. It would be quite the trip. I'd have to drink some tea before hand, otherwise I'd probably forget to breathe my anxiety would be so bad...but I do think I'd enjoy it. My reasons for not going at this point really do boil down to not wanting my mom to find out. That's ultimately what I fear the most.

I remember when I first came around, I was so eager to do the 4th and 5th steps because I felt the need to sit down and really dig into what I thought were my faults. I also remember sitting down with a minister friend and sharing it, all five pages, with him. I thought I was done. I did not even have a sponsor at that time. I just thought I would whiz through MY interpretation of the steps and get it over with.

Well, I have been a believer since I was 17, and I am really still only learning how the steps are to be done, if I want to stay sober. My way was a colossal flop.

In grad school, I studied the impact writing things down have. I also have learned from experience just how important it is to share the deepest secrets with another person.

I grew up Catholic, and when I left Catholicism, I was thrilled I never had to tell a person, like the priest, my sins again. Coming to AA, I am so grateful for the idea of confessing to another human being.

I still wonder about this issue with Mom. Are you a prisoner in your house where you cannot go out and do things without Mom knowing every single detail of your time away from her. My kids were 21, and came home from college, and I rarely knew where they were while they were out, unless they shared the information with me.