Trish: I laughed when you used a phrase I often use: Don't knock something you've never tried before. I'm not knocking it. I know the way I often sound on forums can sound like I'm knocking all sorts of things. Online I sound much more blunt than in real life, I can't seem to stop that. I don't know why it happens like that.
I have to very separate desires that both go against God's will for me. The first is like all of yours: the very simple desire to continue using substances. The second is a very special one distinct from the first. It doesn't care about research before use. It doesn't care about creating special times for doing the chemicals. It doesn't care about using one drug at a time or even knowing what I'm putting into my body. It cares only about going on a weeklong drug and alcohol binge...this second desire is nearly impossible. It would be a million times easier to slip up and do a drug or drink again (should I be waiting for the day? Probably not.) than it would be to ever go on a bender. The mere existence of people who love me has and will always stop me. I've always wanted to run away, leave all the people who love me and never look back, but I have people who need me, people who love me, people who wouldn't be able to live without me. I am their everything and it keeps me from ever going on a bender in a place like LA without a single soul who knows me.
So often I just feel like...no one truly knows me, no one can ever truly know me, so what's the point in trying to keep explaining myself? And then I feel like, well, you guys have some similar points, so even if you only know me a tiny little bit, maybe you will help me and maybe I can help you, even though I don't even know 1% of who you are really.
Blessewe: Yea, but often, God takes people that go in your life and uses them as the vehicle. Often, we miss God's voice or ignore it because it often sounds like ours even though it's saying something we wouldn't say and know it might be God, but ignore it anyway. That other person is usually the one that gives you the necessary punch in the mouth or careful dropping of a phrase that gets lodged somewhere and begins to break up the hard bits inside of a person's soul.
I spend a lot of time with myself. A lot of time thinking, experiencing my own thoughts and dealing with them. I've come a long way. And all along the way, I know that it's been halted and attempted to stop the progress. The same things that helped me, hurt me. Drugs were wonderful for me, it seemed, for a time. But what I thought changed me for good, changed me for the worse too. I'm a new person and I became an addict for it. Drugs gave me new thoughts and I really liked them at first. I can't believe I've become this person. I honestly cannot believe I've become who I've become.
I don't want to talk about the steps anymore guys. When fall gets here, I'll have a car on campus and I'll be able to go to meetings and such, but for now, it just ain't happening. I can't. I'll get through the summer. I've made it this far without too many issues, just mild ones. I don't see many opportunities for drug use, although many possible drinking nights await that I'll have to side step. My best friend often goes drinking and has invited me before, but we've discussed my sobriety and he no longer invites me and realizes that I'm trying to not drink...so one of my main drinking people is out of the drinking picture. I'm going to house church tonight. I'll talk to some friends who know about my addictions and get some support.
