Today's time has passed

[TheMainException]

Last night I was really itching to do drugs. I wanted to find a way so bad. Short of ripping out half the plants in my yard, it would be hard to not find a chemical to put in my body. My mom's away today, so I could have done drugs without much problem, but I really feared that, since none of the drugs I would be able to do were ones that I had done before, the effects would last too long and my mom would come home while I was still high. Thankfully, this fear kept me away from them. It's now way too late to attempt to do them, but I still really want to. The feeling hasn't left although I won't get another chance for a week.

How the heck am I supposed to get a will about this? To care about not doing drugs? This is why so many people don't get clean. The feeling of being on drugs is so good that even the bad parts of it is worth ignoring.

 

[BlessEwe]

Well with relapses of this kind most have had enough time for the good memories/feelings to over power the bad effects of the drugs/alcohol. Meaning the subconscious (craving) part of the brain over powers the conscious ( telling ourselves pros and cons)...
A recovery group of any kind keeps us inline with the Subconscious . Reading, working with a sponsor, meetings, basically doing everything we can to stay sober does this as well. It is a Mind disease, and a powerful one at that.

It is also called: White knuckling it!

A desperate effort to stay sober solely through the exercise of one’s own willpower while denying reality of their emotional inner life.

 

[TheMainException]

Boredom is really a killer...that'll easily do it to me as well. I hate not having work to do.

 

[BlessEwe]

Right! Most people find a hobby, or job, go back to school, exercise. Hey we aren't physically sick anymore, so we have so much more time on our hands not dealing with hangovers and barfing..lol

 

[madison1101]

The beauty of the 12 Step recovery programs is that we learn to reach out to others and busy ourselves with that. Attending meetings, setting up the chairs, making the coffee, greeting people as they come into the meeting place are all time consuming things we can do that get us to stop being bored and thinking of our obsession to use. Then, we get the phone numbers of other people in the meetings, old timers and newcomers, and we call them when we feel as you do right now. Sometimes we get together with our sponsors or new friends we have met in AA and have coffee, go bowling, take a walk in a park, and get to know them. It is how we learn a new way of life, without drugs or alcohol, and we also become less isolated and more in touch with others. Plus, I have found, it gives me opportunity to reach out to unbelievers and develop friendships where they might learn my faith.

So, that is why so many of us encourage you to participate in a 12 Step recovery program.

God bless.
Trish

 

[TheMainException]

I think going to an NA meeting would be awesome (I've actually started to consider it, surprisingly). But the buts continue. I'd rather be caught with drugs than have to explain to my mom that I'm going to an NA meeting.

I had a job up until friday (seasonal work is great, but it doesn't last all summer, so that's a bummer). I've put in applications at places and have small jobs for people most days of the week...but I can't run from what's at/in me. At night, it's there. In my mind it lurks, my past, my habits, my old ways of thinking, and the darkness is its strength, just like always. The evil part of me always grew at night, into a roving beast, hunting and hungry. I guess that's the real reason I take pills to sleep...there's really on one way to stop it...if I'm sleeping, it has a harder time getting to me...doesn't stop the dreams of plants and pot, but it keeps me from coming up with new research on new plants to do. Just last night I dreamt about pot...weird dream, totally impossible and somewhat funny, but still a drug dream nonetheless.

You make a good point Trish. I think a large portion of me not wanting to go is this anarchic spirit in me to disobey people when it seems like everyone is doing it. I've mostly gotten past that, but still a million things block my path in my own head.

BlessEwe: My hobby is plants...it rained all day today. That's rough on me...it's been raining a lot lately. I've been doing a lot of drug/plant research instead.

 

[BobW188]

The other beauty of 12 Step programs is that they give you people to contact when days and nights like yours happen. In fact, that's the primary reason I used to push it on you. This forum is better than nothing but, let's face it, it's neither realtime nor interactive.
Meantime, just keep it in your mind: Do you really want to relive that night with the tree? Sure, talking to trees is cool but, that night? You now know that's where the road leads - but with no guarantee that NiN will be around. In the long run - and sometimes it seems like a very, very long run - the road you're on now is the one to follow.
And keep in mind - lonely as you feel when these cravings hit, remember that all of us here have had them. Some of us, like you, are still in what amounts to hand-to-hand combat with them, others have gotten to where they're very rare and pretty mild. The enemy - those gremlins of yours and their master - want you to think that defeat is inevitable. But they know full well - and have since about 33AD - that it's they who are doomed.

Hang in there.
Obey, disobey, but hang in there.
Job or no job, hang in there.
Good dream or bad dream, hang in there.

 

[BlessEwe]

Sending you a link for some online meetings, maybe by exploring them you will see its not so bad sista.

 

[TheMainException]

And NiN isn't around and hasn't been all month. We're separated and I can't even call him. He's never online and he doesn't know what I'm going through. It's not rough like the depression used to be. I don't feel lonely, I'm just hungry. I'm not upset about it, I haven't been for a while. I don't have a lot of desire to not do it and I have little desire to do the things that would help me stop. I'm just lazy. The pot didn't do this to me, I stopped caring and that's why I started in the first place.

 

[TheMainException]

I just took a drug abuse quiz...I only answered yes to 4 out of 20 questions meaning I have a very low addiction (it was supposed to be based on the past 12 months, but I included since I started doing drugs). On the alcohol one, I only had 5 questions out of 20. Still not horrific, bad but not horrific.

 

[BlessEwe]

I checked out the link questions at the site I gave you. It seems very vague , so I wanted to show you the MAST questioner. This is one of the tests used when doing an assessment, in the rehabs.

Michigan Alcohol Screening Test

 

[TheMainException]

I still only had 5.

 

[BlessEwe]

I still only had 5.

3 - 5 Early or middle problem drinker

 

[TheMainException]

3 - 5 Early or middle problem drinker

Yea...I'm glad I got on the road to safety and kingdom living before it got out of hand...answering all those questions in a way that got points would have been horrific (although I know most alcoholics don't get all those points, but still).

 

[BobW188]

Why couldn't it have been that way on my high school math tests: the lower the score, the higher the grade?

 

[BlessEwe]

6 or more Problem drinker

Glad you stopped as well. 1 more point and the score indicates major problem... Also a score of 5 is borderline and can go either way. So with someone who is borderline, the recommendation would be, treatment or attend meetings.

So with this said, you have 2 choices Don't drink/drug and get some good strong tools and support. Or get loaded and progress. You seem to have a strong desire not to pick up again, having the tools and support will help you so much especially on the hard days. People in recovery are more likely to be able to see through the manipulation and mind games we tend to do, and call us on it. As you have seen here on CF.. It is so important to be around this as when we are in the relapse mode the denial can bring us down so fast,
and being an objective observer can usually see the

Stinken Thinkin

Stinking Thinking:
This phrase refers to an alcoholic's reversion to old thought patterns and attitudes.

This is how powerful the disease of addiction is.

 

[TheMainException]

Why couldn't it have been that way on my high school math tests: the lower the score, the higher the grade?

lol...this isn't golf man. Sorry.

Blessewe: The strange thing is...for a very long time (longer than I've been doing drugs and drinking), I've wanted to go on benders, doing all sorts of drugs, drinking my guts out. I've wanted to get trashed for days on end (I never have). WHY? Why do I want to self destruct so badly? It's confusing. I think I should find a drug and alcohol counselor to talk this out with. I'm much better with one on one things like that and I could say it was for something else to my mom if they person was at a pretty neutral therapy center.

 

[BlessEwe]

Most of the time ( well for me ) its numbing something we want to avoid, a inner conflict, painful things.
It is so much easier to just get loaded than it is to work on those things and find healthy ways to deal with our inner self. Like I have heard its easier to sit in the slop of our life's than to get out and rinse ourselves off. Change is scary, people resit change.
Some have issues ( physical, mental) and self medicate


so many have found peace and inner strength by working the 12 steps and allowing God to help us. We tend to be control freaks and learn to let go of things we can not control, which also is a inner conflict that gets us loaded.

I think it is wonderful you are thinking about seeing someone. Just make sure they are either strong in recovery themselves, or have addiction training.
I have been to some counselors that don't have the understanding, and should have referred me out.

We all come into recovery different ways, but the important thing is Finding recovery

 

[TheMainException]

I'm not really a control freak. I used to need to find the answers to everything but a friend taught me the value in accepting saying "I don't know" with at least some ease. And I've had so much change in my life that I'm not sure if I'm able to handle it more or less easily. It kinda depresses me sometimes, but I'm pretty versatile and can swing with the punches in most cases, so I guess it's made me more flexible.

With this desire to go on a bender, it's always remained constant. No matter what was happening, I would want it. It wouldn't always be present in my mind, but I'm pretty sure that if someone brought it up, I would say "Yea, that would be cool." It's not really something that could happen easily though. I'm really careful about when I drink and do drugs. I research drugs like it's my job and do they when I'm sure I have the scenario set up just right. I've made trip playlists for when I would do DXM depending on what kind of mood I might be in and what kind of trip I'd want to go on. I'd plan entire days (when I finally had some free time and privacy) so that I would be able to trip properly and not have any problems. I've always been careful. I had a trip sitter/guide for my first salvia experience because I'd read that it can be a really scary plant and a person should always have a sitter for the first time (it ended up that I had to go to an extract of 30x more powerful than the leaves alone, so we tried it three times before it worked out and it was pretty scary since that was my first drug ever, when I did finally trip). So, I've always tried to be really careful. I knew things were getting out of hand when I started blacking out while drinking (my first blackout was really just because I hadn't eaten all day, but my second blackout was crazy because I drank more than I've ever drank before in my life, starting out with six 40 oz (is that what they are, the giant cans of beer?) beers in two hours and then continued to drink at the bar, blacking out around 9 pm) and then my third I drank and entire bottle of red wine on my own and a few beers. I think what bothered me most was that I was no longer careful about my drug use. I was starting to do whatever I could get whenever I could and I just needed to do it, so I did it. I reached the point where I no longer have anything against cocaine (which has always been the drug I'd never touch). I still won't ever touch heroin, but my limits are stretching and breaking and I know that's no good. Although I have been staring down "herbal" and legal highs a lot more and haven't been searching the streets for pot dealers. I deleted all the numbers of dealers out of my phone and haven't hung out with my friend who does pot for almost a year (although he has been texting me and calling me every now and again). So...at least pot and cocaine are hard to get this way...those two I could get from the same dealers around here and was always getting offered powder by my pot dealer (which I always refused, I'm just glad I don't know him now. After he ripped me off, I never dealt with him again...funny how things work out, ya know?)

 

[madison1101]

That urge to obliterate myself is elusive since being on the relapse merry-go-round. When I had long term sobriety, years of it, and I was working my 12 Steps and attending my meetings, I had little desire to self-destruct with chemicals.
Unfortunately, when I drank that one bottle in December 2007, and thought I could just get back into AA and get back my sobriety, I fell for the biggest lie of addictions. My relapse has only been a Hell that I never want to experience again, yet I go back to the bottle, as I did two weekends ago.

Working on the 12 steps with a sponsor has been such an answer to prayer. In working the steps, I am able to come to terms with my erratic emotions. By calling my sponsor and sharing my feelings and urges to drink, I break through that isolation, and I find I am not the only alcoholic in the world who has felt the way I do. I also learn that early recovery means that my feelings will be off the chart sometimes, and that is okay.

I pray you will attend an AA meeting and get a sponsor and start really working the program. It is such a good life, and it is worth it.

Trish