The laughter thread.

[Anhelyna]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give 500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

 

[Anhelyna]

 

[Colin]

Jasper Carrott......one of the best.....and a man with a great heart .

 

[Colin]

Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer.

All of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the living daylights out of them.

They drop their guns and run like blazes .

One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes.

His mate looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!"

The hunter replied , "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"

 

[BryanMaloney]

How many Eastern Orthodox does it take to change a lightbulb?
What is this word "change"?

 

[bill5]

Colin - I think you must have several shelves of the 'worst possible jokes ' books

lol

At least he's keeping it going

 

[Colin]

There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate.

For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other.

Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation.

She hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them.

"You know what I would do?" she said.

"See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and make two tables out of them. Put the tables and the snakes into a cage, and leave them to mate ."

Well, the breeder thought that this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it.

Sure enough, a few days later he had a whole pack of baby snakes.

He called up the zoologist, and asked her how that was possible.

She replied, "Well, you see, those snakes were adders. And everybody knows that to get adders to multiply you need log tables."

 

[mmksparbud]

 

[Anhelyna]

 

[Anhelyna]

 

[Colin]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, " Hi, we're single , footloose and fancy-free , free as a bird . Do you want to have some fun? " "

"That sounds none too virtuous , " the priest exclaimed.

Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. "

" I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the bible. "

" Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Jacob. "

" My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that stuff in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying so fervently .

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're single , footloose and fancy-free , free as a bird . Do you want to have some fun? "

There was stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

 

[Colin]

A blind man is walking down the street with his guide dog.

They come to a busy junction and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic.

This is followed by the screech of tyres and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the pavement on other side of the street and the blind man pulls a treat out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a treat? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt ."

 

[Colin]

There were two evil brothers.

They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye.

They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired.

Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new church .

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.

The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a cheque for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."

The pastor gave his word, and deposited the cheque .

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back.

"He was an evil man," he said.

"He cheated on his wife and abused his family.

" After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

 

[Colin]

One morning a woman and her baby were catching a bus.

As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby."

The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.

The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?"

She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public servant and should show you respect. If I were you I would take down his badge number and report him."

"You're right sir . I think I will report him."

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."

 

[Anhelyna]

I couldn't resist this one

 

[Colin]

A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance.

She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother.

As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table.

He begins munching on them as they converse.

After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts.

"Oh, your welcome young man," she says. "I appreciate you finishing them up."

" Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."

 

[bill5]

One morning a woman and her baby were catching a bus.

As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby."

The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.

The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?"

She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public servant and should show you respect. If I were you I would take down his badge number and report him."

"You're right sir . I think I will report him."

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."

Variation on an old Flip Wilson joke

 

[Sumwear]

An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"

Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."



Brad, a local beachgoer, couldn't even get a second look from any of the girls on the beach. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him. "Dude, it's obvious," said the lifeguard. "You're wearing those old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You'll have all the babes you can handle."

The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it's not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.

"For cryin' out loud," said Brad, "it's worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What's wrong now?"

"Jeez, Brad!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"

 

[Colin]

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking.

Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and..........'"

 

[WarriorAngel]