The laughter thread.

[Colin]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married — for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, later on a preacher when in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

 

[JackRT]

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells...? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story... When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important.

 

[Colin]

After driving for about six hours, a lorry driver decides to stop and sleep for a little while.

As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.

"Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger.

"Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the lorry driver .

He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.

"It's 4:40!" yells the lorry driver.

Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME.

He sticks the paper in his windscreen .

But he is awoken again.

'It's 5:25," says another jogger.

 

[Colin]

Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big. What kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, "How long were you married?" He answered, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", St. Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times ... but you said I was forgiven." St. Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walked up and got the same question from St. Peter. He answered, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out." St. Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "St. Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" St. Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar, crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked him what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!"

 

[Anhelyna]

 

[bill5]

Well by golly if it's from Nigeria, it MUST be true!

 

[Colin]

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.

They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It`s free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

Peter`s reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don`t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That`s the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren`t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

 

[Colin]

A cat shows up at the Pearly gates of heaven.

St. Peter says, "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."

Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."

St. Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."

Next a group of mice appeared.

St. Peter: "Ah, I remember you! You were such good mice on earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted."

The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate. It was beautiful and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?"

St. Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."

Next day, St. Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates and sees the cat.

"Well, Cat...did you enjoy the satin pillow?"

Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say....that "Meals-on-Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"

 

[Colin]

After dying in a car crash, three friends are interrogated by their guardian angels on their journey to the Pearly Gates .

They are all asked the same question, "Now that your corpse is lying in its coffin , and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first man immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last man thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I suppose I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

 

[Colin]

David received a parrot for his birthday.

The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an obscenity.

Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of.

Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.

He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments.

He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"

 

[Colin]

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.

The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.

20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.

By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!

He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?

So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner shop 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

 

[Anhelyna]

 

[Colin]

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mum why have I got these huge three-toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".

"OK" said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mum, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert ."

"Thanks Mum" replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mum, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods."

"That's great mum, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mum ..." "Yes son?"

"Why the heck are we in Blackpool Zoo?"

 

[Colin]

A man walks into a pub and asks the publican , "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The publican considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play jazz .

After the man finished his drink, he asked the publican , "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"

The publican agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play jazz .

The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small frog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beers , a stranger confronts him and offers him £1000 for the frog.

"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."

The stranger increases the offer to £2000 cash up front. "

No," he insists, "he's not for sale."

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £5000 cash.

The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the publican asked . "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £5000!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered.

"The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

 

[bill5]

Terrible and funny at the same time

 

[Anhelyna]

 

[Colin]

In memory of Victoria Wood whose death was announced today . R.I.P.

Victoria Wood sketch parodying the film Brief Encounter......

 

[Anhelyna]

Excellent

 

[Colin]

A circus owner walked into a shop to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show.

On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.

After some wheeling and dealing they settled for £1,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the shop in anger.

"Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"Hmmm...." thought the duck's former owner.

"Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

 

[Anhelyna]

Colin - I think you must have several shelves of the 'worst possible jokes ' books