The laughter thread.

[Colin]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

 

[Colin]

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on.

By mistake he was connected to the Lord's cricket ground.

"How's it going?" he asked.

"Fine," came the answer .

"We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. "

" The last one was a duck."

 

[Colin]

By the time John drove into the little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed--I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted"

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it would be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveller assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.

"Never better." John said.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"No. I shut him up in no time."

"How did you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away when I came into the room," John said.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful' .

" And he sat up all night watching me."

 

[Colin]

You probably need to be a viewer of the quiz programme Countdown to appreciate this .

It's on TV here most weekday afternoons and is about numbers and words .

There is "Dictionary Corner" where you will find the delightful , "shy" lady called Susie Dent , who is a genius with words . She is accompanied by a guest in "Dictionary Corner" . On this occasion the guest is the conjurer Paul Zenon , another delightful person .

Susie's "faux pas".........

 

[Colin]

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan.

So the gentleman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the gentleman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.


While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The gentleman replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

 

[Anhelyna]

For those worried about their diets and 'calorie count'

 

[Colin]

For those worried about their diets and 'calorie count'

View attachment 173876

If you are paying a round , I'll have a G and T in Reilly's .

 

[Anhelyna]

You are not on - I don't like gin - so won't buy it

 

[Colin]

A man was travelling up from London to Scotland .

He needed to use the toilet and so at the next service station he goes into the Gents .

He sits down and was surprised to hear someone in the next cubicle say, "So how are you ?"

The man gulps and thinks about what he should say and then decides to answer.

So he clears his throat and says, "uh....I'm fine."

Then the stranger in the next cubicle says, "So where are you going ?"

Again the man, a little nervous answers, "Uh...I'm going up to Scotland "

Then the stranger asked, "So what have you been up to?"

Again the man answers, "Not much, I'm actually on a business trip."

The man sat there waiting for another question .

Then he heard the stranger in the next cubicle impatiently say, "Look, I'm going to have to call you back, some idiot in the next cubicle thinks I'm talking to him."

 

[WarriorAngel]

 

[Anhelyna]

My understanding is , it was an advert for Harris Tweed

 

[Colin]

My understanding is , it was an advert for Harris Tweed

No . I think it's a poster for today's elections for the Scottish Parliament .

 

[Anhelyna]

hahahahahahahahahahahaha

 

[WarriorAngel]

Must be drinking faster.

 

[Anhelyna]

 

[WarriorAngel]

 

[bill5]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in an Irish bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," the other man says. The first man says "Where ye from lad?" "Ireland," says the other. The first goes "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course!" replies the second.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland ye from?" "Just north of Dublin," he says. "I can't believe it," says the first man, "sure'n I'm from just north of Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks "What school did ye go to now?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!! A fine day it 'tis. Have another!!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down. "What's new?" he asks the bartender. The barkeep goes "Oh the usual......the O'Malley twins are drunk again."

 

[WarriorAngel]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in an Irish bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," the other man says. The first man says "Where ye from lad?" "Ireland," says the other. The first goes "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course!" replies the second.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland ye from?" "Just north of Dublin," he says. "I can't believe it," says the first man, "sure'n I'm from just north of Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks "What school did ye go to now?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!! A fine day it 'tis. Have another!!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down. "What's new?" he asks the bartender. The barkeep goes "Oh the usual......the O'Malley twins are drunk again."

 

[WarriorAngel]

 

[WarriorAngel]

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