The laughter thread.

[WarriorAngel]

After trick-or-treating, 
a teen takes a shortcut home 
through the cemetery.

Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, he spots 
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” 
says the relieved teen. “What are you 
doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

 

[Winter_Rose]

Tommy Cooper - Hats sketch.

 

[Winter_Rose]

After trick-or-treating, 
a teen takes a shortcut home 
through the cemetery.

Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, he spots 
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” 
says the relieved teen. “What are you 
doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

St. Paul's letter to the Filipinos.
Hey no need to get hardcore with the crucifixions. We know you guys are one of the most devout catholic communities in the world!

 

[Sword of the Lord]

 

[bill5]

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine.

Out of 
the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking 
to the wine.”

lol

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

A: Can the absolute truth be found through the Catholic faith?
B: Absolutely.
A: Are you sure?
B: Is the Pope a catholic?

 

[Colin]

On the first night of their 
honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up.

After some soul-searching, the 
husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”

Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”

 

[Colin]

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no 
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that 
she forbade her husband from ever opening.

But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a 
crocheted doll and £95,000 in cash.

“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never 
argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

Her husband was touched.

Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years.

“But what about all this money?” he asked.

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money 
I made from selling the dolls.”

 

[Sword of the Lord]

 

[Colin]

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye , Scotland , went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and
won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

 

[HollyTranquil]

out of all the jokes I like the married ones or the about to be married jokes the most

 

[bill5]

Well then here's one. I confess I can't remember if I posted this one before, but anyway (it's mildly ethnic - if anyone is offended I apologize up front and will be happy to have the mods take it down)

An Irish guy, German guy, and Polish guy are construction workers and sit down on a huge high rise girder on a building they're working on to have lunch.

The Irish guy opens his lunch and goes "arghhh! Corned beef again! I'm so sick of this I could scream! I swear if I get corned beef for lunch again tomorrow, I'm jumping right off of this beam to my death!"

The German guy opens his lunch and goes "arghhh! Sauerkraut again! I'm so sick of this I could scream! I swear if I get sauerkraut for lunch again tomorrow, I'm jumping right off of this beam to my death!"

The Polish guy opens his lunch and goes "arghhh! Kielbasa again! I'm so sick of this I could scream! I swear if I get kielbasa for lunch again tomorrow, I'm jumping right off of this beam to my death!"

The next day they sit down for lunch.........

The Irish guy opens his lunch, sees he got the same thing again...and jumps to his death!
The German guy opens his lunch, sees he got the same thing again...and jumps to his death!
The Polish guy opens his lunch, sees he got the same thing again...and jumps to his death!

The wives, all knowing each other and given the circumstances, decide to have a joint funeral. At the funeral they are sobbing...

The Irish wife goes "oh if only he had told me he hated getting corned beef so much, surely I would have given him something else!!"
The German wife goes "oh if only he had told me he hated getting sauerkraut so much, surely I would have given him something else!!"

There's a brief pause as they look at the Polish wife.......

Finally she goes "hey don't look at me, he made his own lunches"

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

Heard of "separation anxiety"? Experienced by dogs for their masters when they are absent.
What about "separation excitement"? This is experienced by couples who have been married a long time,see too much of each other and find out the other is planning a trip away by themselves.

 

[Colin]

After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet.

It was then I shared my dark secret.

"I put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer."

http://www.rd.com/joke/marriage-and-weight-joke/
http://www.rd.com/joke/the-right-diagnosis-joke/

 

[Colin]

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed.

The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow.

"Well, noo," he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Angus said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

 

[Anhelyna]

He's at it again

 

[WarriorAngel]

On the first night of their 
honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up.

After some soul-searching, the 
husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”

Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”

 

[WarriorAngel]

View attachment 171928

 

[Colin]

In memory of Ronnie Corbett (the shopkeeper in the clip) who died yesterday . May he rest in piece .