The Friend Zone

[ThisIsMe123]

So, for some reason, this thread's been resurrected. I'm not sure why, but it's been three years since I posted the thread.

I don't hear about "the friend zone" as much these days, but when I do hear about it, it always comes across with something that plucks my feathers. To recap, I used to complain about being in the "friend zone."

First off, why is it bad to be friends with a woman? That's a good thing. Complaints about the "friend zone" usually come about (in my experience) from guys--and it's always guys--who aren't content to be friends with a woman. With that attitude, they express a sense of entitlement to a relationship with the woman they claim has "friend zoned" them. And there we arrive at the problem: it's self-centered.

If you care for a person and choose to love them, then you will be happy when they get what's best for them, even if that doesn't include a romantic relationship with you. It is annoying when a friend complains about their significant other, says they want your advice, then refuses to take it. I don't generally give advice if a person has a history of ignoring what I advise. On the other hand, if they just want to vent, that sets the expectation, and I'm happy to let them vent.

To say, "she should be dating me and not her current boyfriend" shows a self-centered attitude focused on what you want, not what's best for her. Chances are you don't know the specifics of what's best for her, but it certainly isn't someone who is going to objectify her to make himself feel good. If I'm attracted to a woman and choose to have a platonic love for her, then I might say she shouldn't be with her current jackwagon, but I'm not going to presume I'm the best man for her unless God tells us both.

It's good to be friends, and we shouldn't be friends with the opposite sex while pining away in agony that they don't reciprocate our romantic interest. If you like someone, tell them, and let the chips fall where they may. If she reciprocates, hallelujah; you've got a potential romantic relationship. If she doesn't reciprocate, hallelujah; you've still got a friend, and that's a good thing.

Love rejoices with what's best for people, no matter what that means. If we truly care for those we're attracted to, we will be happy when they get what's best. If the fact a woman isn't romantically interested in you makes you feel bitter about being her friend, you don't care for her, but you're lusting after her like property to be owned.

I do have small handful of decent female friends....about 3 of them, one of them moved away), we would hang out occasionally, as friends, since it's been established.

But majority of the time, when I ask a woman out, and they respond with wanting to be friends...most times, it means they aren't interested in having you in their life. I mean...you can text them on occasion or send them a random IM just to see how they are doing, but it'll only be just an acquaintance level situation.

But typically, they are trying to find a nice way to cushion the blow of not really having you in their lives. Meaning, don't expect invites out to other events as a group or if you ask her to an event to hang out, she'll always be "too busy".

So you're better off not even being their friend, because they aren't willing to put in the effort for that.

I think this is because, they don't want to take any chances just in case the guy develops feelings for her during the friendship, because they already know that intially the guy had a romantic interest in her when he asked her out.

Also, I've known some female friends to stop hanging out with their guy friends once they get a boyfriend.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

Perhaps we have different ideas about what "romantic feelings" means. I read "romantic feelings" as a range of thoughts and emotions, including (but not limited to), "I think you look good" to "I want to have sex with you" to "I want to be in a relationship with you."

What do you mean by the term?

Defining romantic feelings and what we mean by friend should clear this up.

By romantic feelings I simply mean emotional attraction towards a person of a sexual and intimate nature. By friend I mean someone you see often or talk to regularly. I don't mean someone you are on good terms with but rarely talk to more than a few times a year if that.

So if you feel or felt romantic feelings as described above and remain friends as friend is described above then you would be better off spending time in the pursuit of a significant other than being friends with someone who doesn't like you the way you like them. There is only so much time in the day, I am not going to spend that time with someone I can't be with if I want to be in a relationship.

 

[CCHIPSS]

I do have small handful of decent female friends....about 3 of them, one of them moved away), we would hang out occasionally, as friends, since it's been established.

But majority of the time, when I ask a woman out, and they respond with wanting to be friends...most times, it means they aren't interested in having you in their life. I mean...you can text them on occasion or send them a random IM just to see how they are doing, but it'll only be just an acquaintance level situation.

But typically, they are trying to find a nice way to cushion the blow of not really having you in their lives. Meaning, don't expect invites out to other events as a group or if you ask her to an event to hang out, she'll always be "too busy".

So you're better off not even being their friend, because they aren't willing to put in the effort for that.

I think this is because, they don't want to take any chances just in case the guy develops feelings for her during the friendship, because they already know that intially the guy had a romantic interest in her when he asked her out.

Also, I've known some female friends to stop hanging out with their guy friends once they get a boyfriend.

This is my personal experience as well. I wasn't able to keep any of my lady friends if I confess my interest in them. My guess is they aren't comfortable anymore. Because they feel that hanging out with me would give me further wrong ideas.

And I say this not meaning that we never see each other again. But the original friendship would degrade into a very basic and acquaintance level. So we see each other maybe once a year when a mutual friend invite us both. That means we are "ok" to see each other in a public setting. But say bye bye to any one on one time.

But honestly, why would you want to have any more one on one time with her? As Christian it is important for us to be honest with each other. If you want her to be more than just a friend, say so. Do not fear the risk of the friendship. If you as a guy want to take care of her, offer that to her. How she receive your love is up to her.

Up to 1/6th of relationships are abusive. So you are offering to take care of her and keep her away from that 1/6th chance of meeting her next BF/husband who might be an abuser. If she rejects that and un-friend you, so be it.

Back to topic. I find that once I start dating another girl, these past female friends have an easier time talking with me. Because now they know our "thing" was truly over, even when we never actually dated.