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Most of us (if not all of us) are familiar with the "friend zone" concept, but just to refresh our memories: one is said to be in the friend zone when the person they like doesn't reciprocate their feelings, but uses their friend as a sounding board for grievances against the significant other they have chosen.
I used to be one who complained about "being in the friend zone." A few years ago, my perspective changed. Here's the conclusion came to:
1. I'm the idiot hanging around someone who constantly whinges about their significant other. Everyone gets into conflict with their significant other and confides in a friend about it, but constant grievances seem to be the meat of the friend zone; the potatoes are the person choosing to remain as the sounding board.
2. The reason I'm hanging around is because I'm hoping my friend will eventually see "what a nice guy I am," quit dating her jackwagon of a significant other, and date me instead. If she's displayed poor judgment in choosing her significant other, what does that say if she chooses me?
3. I have better things to do than give advice that she won't listen to.
Consequently, I got out of the friend zone. In fact, I don't believe the concept exists. I told my female friends that if they wanted to stop being treated like a piece of meat, they could take my advice, but until they started listening to me and taking my advice, I wasn't going to stick around.
Yes, I lost "friends," but it was worth it. I don't need my friends using me.
Here's what I have yet to figure out: a lot of women don't complain about being in the friend zone. It happens, but it's a far more common complaint among men (boys, really). What I've observed is that women will be in what could be called a "friend zone," and will either not subject themselves to it, or bear it patiently. Furthermore, men are more likely to whinge about their significant other with other men, rather than going to a woman. Maybe that's why women complain less about being "friend zoned." They might do that in the confidence of their female friends, rather than subjecting their male friends to it.
If you're in the friend zone, chances are you're lusting or obsessing over the object of your affection (and at that point, you're treating them like an object; a trophy to be won, rather than a person to be invested in). You're hanging on to a false hope, a comfortably painful fantasy. In my experience--including looking back at my own attitude--such men will display a certain attitude:
"I'm a nice guy, but I'm also pathetic. I haven't been on many dates (if any). I have no confidence, and I can't 'fake it 'til I make it.' She's an angel, and women are just so far above men, they should be treated like princesses. Every other guy is just a jerk who doesn't deserve her, but I do because (reasons)."
There's a sense of "ownership" from such boys, often from insecurity that also develops jealousy. Such men are usually shy, lacking the confidence to talk to women as friends, because all they see is relationship potential (or a lack of it). They make these broad assumptions within seconds of meeting a woman, leading to superficial fantasies based on appearance and a highly idealized fiction regarding the person of their "affection."
It may or may not be factual, but it seems such men also have very intense addictions to pornography that have more to do with power than actual sexual attraction. These fantasies may include forced sex or domination of some kind, leading to some very, very dark taboos.
All in all, anyone who complains about the "friend zone" raises many red flags. I don't necessarily think less of them, but it makes me wonder about their perspectives. In my experience with "digging into" such folks, I usually find at least a few of the same attitudes and actions I had.
All of this can be solved by seeing women as human beings, not trophies or pieces of meat. While claiming that women should be treated like princesses, many of these boys have actually arrived at the conclusion women are lower than them, a gender to serve them and meet their needs. Sort of like a mother, but one they can dominate and control in some twisted ways.
These were my attitudes, so--as I said--they may or may not apply to all men who complain about the friend zone. My experience with it, however, shows some very troubling trends within boys who had the attitude I did about the friend zone.
TL;DR
Most of us (if not all of us) are familiar with the "friend zone" concept, but just to refresh our memories: one is said to be in the friend zone when the person they like doesn't reciprocate their feelings, but uses their friend as a sounding board for grievances against the significant other they have chosen.
I used to be one who complained about "being in the friend zone." A few years ago, my perspective changed. Here's the conclusion came to:
1. I'm the idiot hanging around someone who constantly whinges about their significant other. Everyone gets into conflict with their significant other and confides in a friend about it, but constant grievances seem to be the meat of the friend zone; the potatoes are the person choosing to remain as the sounding board.
2. The reason I'm hanging around is because I'm hoping my friend will eventually see "what a nice guy I am," quit dating her jackwagon of a significant other, and date me instead. If she's displayed poor judgment in choosing her significant other, what does that say if she chooses me?
3. I have better things to do than give advice that she won't listen to.
Consequently, I got out of the friend zone. In fact, I don't believe the concept exists. I told my female friends that if they wanted to stop being treated like a piece of meat, they could take my advice, but until they started listening to me and taking my advice, I wasn't going to stick around.
Yes, I lost "friends," but it was worth it. I don't need my friends using me.
Here's what I have yet to figure out: a lot of women don't complain about being in the friend zone. It happens, but it's a far more common complaint among men (boys, really). What I've observed is that women will be in what could be called a "friend zone," and will either not subject themselves to it, or bear it patiently. Furthermore, men are more likely to whinge about their significant other with other men, rather than going to a woman. Maybe that's why women complain less about being "friend zoned." They might do that in the confidence of their female friends, rather than subjecting their male friends to it.
If you're in the friend zone, chances are you're lusting or obsessing over the object of your affection (and at that point, you're treating them like an object; a trophy to be won, rather than a person to be invested in). You're hanging on to a false hope, a comfortably painful fantasy. In my experience--including looking back at my own attitude--such men will display a certain attitude:
"I'm a nice guy, but I'm also pathetic. I haven't been on many dates (if any). I have no confidence, and I can't 'fake it 'til I make it.' She's an angel, and women are just so far above men, they should be treated like princesses. Every other guy is just a jerk who doesn't deserve her, but I do because (reasons)."
There's a sense of "ownership" from such boys, often from insecurity that also develops jealousy. Such men are usually shy, lacking the confidence to talk to women as friends, because all they see is relationship potential (or a lack of it). They make these broad assumptions within seconds of meeting a woman, leading to superficial fantasies based on appearance and a highly idealized fiction regarding the person of their "affection."
It may or may not be factual, but it seems such men also have very intense addictions to pornography that have more to do with power than actual sexual attraction. These fantasies may include forced sex or domination of some kind, leading to some very, very dark taboos.
All in all, anyone who complains about the "friend zone" raises many red flags. I don't necessarily think less of them, but it makes me wonder about their perspectives. In my experience with "digging into" such folks, I usually find at least a few of the same attitudes and actions I had.
All of this can be solved by seeing women as human beings, not trophies or pieces of meat. While claiming that women should be treated like princesses, many of these boys have actually arrived at the conclusion women are lower than them, a gender to serve them and meet their needs. Sort of like a mother, but one they can dominate and control in some twisted ways.
These were my attitudes, so--as I said--they may or may not apply to all men who complain about the friend zone. My experience with it, however, shows some very troubling trends within boys who had the attitude I did about the friend zone.
Sorry, to drum up an old post, but I've come to discover the friend zone many times. This is probably one of the reasons I've been single for so long.
Funny...how in Biblical times or even times of our Baby Boomer or even older generations didn't have to worry about the friendzone hardly at all. Someone liked someone, usually this happened in their early 20s, or even younger, they found a woman they liked, married her and that was that.
Someone else comments: Yeah, no, don't bring God into the stupid friend zone thing. God doesn't view women (the crowning glory of His creation) like this, nor does He view relationships like this.
If you feel "friendzoned" and it bothers you, you aren't really her friend. Be honest and walk away.
She doesn't "take your advice" because that isn't how girls interact with their friends. They vent and listen to the advice of their friends and make up their mind based on what they believe is best for them. They don't date their friends so give up the idea that make you are on the "maybe" list if you are just nice enough. A friend is just that...a friend. It is really an honor to be considered a friend but if you aren't willing to be a friend, then be honest and go away. She is honest about her feelings by treating you like a friend. She doesn't consider her friendship to be an unwanted "booby prize".
I think there are people on both sides of this can be kind of un-gracious about it. I do think that the "friend zone" more or less exists. Obviously this can happen to either gender but I'll just talk about it in one direction. A guy develops a close friendship with a girl, develops feelings for her, and she doesn't feel the same way. Where I think people can be un-gracious is that neither person did anything wrong here. For the guy, it sucks that he has feelings that aren't reciprocated, but that's not her fault. She feels how she feels. For the guy, he feels how he feels too. It's not his fault. Where people go wrong is either when girls will fault guys just for wanting more than friendship, painting that out to be some type of wrong, or for guys to fault the girl for pursuing his friendship if she didn't want more than that and/or not having the same feelings. It's not wrong for a guy to have negative feelings about not having his feelings reciprocated, be he can go wrong depending on how he responds to her.
Most of us (if not all of us) are familiar with the "friend zone" concept, but just to refresh our memories: one is said to be in the friend zone when the person they like doesn't reciprocate their feelings, but uses their friend as a sounding board for grievances against the significant other they have chosen.
I used to be one who complained about "being in the friend zone." A few years ago, my perspective changed. Here's the conclusion came to:
1. I'm the idiot hanging around someone who constantly whinges about their significant other. Everyone gets into conflict with their significant other and confides in a friend about it, but constant grievances seem to be the meat of the friend zone; the potatoes are the person choosing to remain as the sounding board.
2. The reason I'm hanging around is because I'm hoping my friend will eventually see "what a nice guy I am," quit dating her jackwagon of a significant other, and date me instead. If she's displayed poor judgment in choosing her significant other, what does that say if she chooses me?
3. I have better things to do than give advice that she won't listen to.
Consequently, I got out of the friend zone. In fact, I don't believe the concept exists. I told my female friends that if they wanted to stop being treated like a piece of meat, they could take my advice, but until they started listening to me and taking my advice, I wasn't going to stick around.
Yes, I lost "friends," but it was worth it. I don't need my friends using me.
Here's what I have yet to figure out: a lot of women don't complain about being in the friend zone. It happens, but it's a far more common complaint among men (boys, really). What I've observed is that women will be in what could be called a "friend zone," and will either not subject themselves to it, or bear it patiently. Furthermore, men are more likely to whinge about their significant other with other men, rather than going to a woman. Maybe that's why women complain less about being "friend zoned." They might do that in the confidence of their female friends, rather than subjecting their male friends to it.
If you're in the friend zone, chances are you're lusting or obsessing over the object of your affection (and at that point, you're treating them like an object; a trophy to be won, rather than a person to be invested in). You're hanging on to a false hope, a comfortably painful fantasy. In my experience--including looking back at my own attitude--such men will display a certain attitude:
"I'm a nice guy, but I'm also pathetic. I haven't been on many dates (if any). I have no confidence, and I can't 'fake it 'til I make it.' She's an angel, and women are just so far above men, they should be treated like princesses. Every other guy is just a jerk who doesn't deserve her, but I do because (reasons)."
There's a sense of "ownership" from such boys, often from insecurity that also develops jealousy. Such men are usually shy, lacking the confidence to talk to women as friends, because all they see is relationship potential (or a lack of it). They make these broad assumptions within seconds of meeting a woman, leading to superficial fantasies based on appearance and a highly idealized fiction regarding the person of their "affection."
It may or may not be factual, but it seems such men also have very intense addictions to pornography that have more to do with power than actual sexual attraction. These fantasies may include forced sex or domination of some kind, leading to some very, very dark taboos.
All in all, anyone who complains about the "friend zone" raises many red flags. I don't necessarily think less of them, but it makes me wonder about their perspectives. In my experience with "digging into" such folks, I usually find at least a few of the same attitudes and actions I had.
All of this can be solved by seeing women as human beings, not trophies or pieces of meat. While claiming that women should be treated like princesses, many of these boys have actually arrived at the conclusion women are lower than them, a gender to serve them and meet their needs. Sort of like a mother, but one they can dominate and control in some twisted ways.
These were my attitudes, so--as I said--they may or may not apply to all men who complain about the friend zone. My experience with it, however, shows some very troubling trends within boys who had the attitude I did about the friend zone.
TL;DR
Most of us (if not all of us) are familiar with the "friend zone" concept, but just to refresh our memories: one is said to be in the friend zone when the person they like doesn't reciprocate their feelings, but uses their friend as a sounding board for grievances against the significant other they have chosen.
I used to be one who complained about "being in the friend zone." A few years ago, my perspective changed. Here's the conclusion came to:
1. I'm the idiot hanging around someone who constantly whinges about their significant other. Everyone gets into conflict with their significant other and confides in a friend about it, but constant grievances seem to be the meat of the friend zone; the potatoes are the person choosing to remain as the sounding board.
2. The reason I'm hanging around is because I'm hoping my friend will eventually see "what a nice guy I am," quit dating her jackwagon of a significant other, and date me instead. If she's displayed poor judgment in choosing her significant other, what does that say if she chooses me?
3. I have better things to do than give advice that she won't listen to.
Consequently, I got out of the friend zone. In fact, I don't believe the concept exists. I told my female friends that if they wanted to stop being treated like a piece of meat, they could take my advice, but until they started listening to me and taking my advice, I wasn't going to stick around.
Yes, I lost "friends," but it was worth it. I don't need my friends using me.
Here's what I have yet to figure out: a lot of women don't complain about being in the friend zone. It happens, but it's a far more common complaint among men (boys, really). What I've observed is that women will be in what could be called a "friend zone," and will either not subject themselves to it, or bear it patiently. Furthermore, men are more likely to whinge about their significant other with other men, rather than going to a woman. Maybe that's why women complain less about being "friend zoned." They might do that in the confidence of their female friends, rather than subjecting their male friends to it.
If you're in the friend zone, chances are you're lusting or obsessing over the object of your affection (and at that point, you're treating them like an object; a trophy to be won, rather than a person to be invested in). You're hanging on to a false hope, a comfortably painful fantasy. In my experience--including looking back at my own attitude--such men will display a certain attitude:
"I'm a nice guy, but I'm also pathetic. I haven't been on many dates (if any). I have no confidence, and I can't 'fake it 'til I make it.' She's an angel, and women are just so far above men, they should be treated like princesses. Every other guy is just a jerk who doesn't deserve her, but I do because (reasons)."
There's a sense of "ownership" from such boys, often from insecurity that also develops jealousy. Such men are usually shy, lacking the confidence to talk to women as friends, because all they see is relationship potential (or a lack of it). They make these broad assumptions within seconds of meeting a woman, leading to superficial fantasies based on appearance and a highly idealized fiction regarding the person of their "affection."
It may or may not be factual, but it seems such men also have very intense addictions to pornography that have more to do with power than actual sexual attraction. These fantasies may include forced sex or domination of some kind, leading to some very, very dark taboos.
All in all, anyone who complains about the "friend zone" raises many red flags. I don't necessarily think less of them, but it makes me wonder about their perspectives. In my experience with "digging into" such folks, I usually find at least a few of the same attitudes and actions I had.
All of this can be solved by seeing women as human beings, not trophies or pieces of meat. While claiming that women should be treated like princesses, many of these boys have actually arrived at the conclusion women are lower than them, a gender to serve them and meet their needs. Sort of like a mother, but one they can dominate and control in some twisted ways.
These were my attitudes, so--as I said--they may or may not apply to all men who complain about the friend zone. My experience with it, however, shows some very troubling trends within boys who had the attitude I did about the friend zone.
So, for some reason, this thread's been resurrected. I'm not sure why, but it's been three years since I posted the thread.
I don't hear about "the friend zone" as much these days, but when I do hear about it, it always comes across with something that plucks my feathers. To recap, I used to complain about being in the "friend zone."
First off, why is it bad to be friends with a woman? That's a good thing. Complaints about the "friend zone" usually come about (in my experience) from guys--and it's always guys--who aren't content to be friends with a woman. With that attitude, they express a sense of entitlement to a relationship with the woman they claim has "friend zoned" them. And there we arrive at the problem: it's self-centered.
If you care for a person and choose to love them, then you will be happy when they get what's best for them, even if that doesn't include a romantic relationship with you. It is annoying when a friend complains about their significant other, says they want your advice, then refuses to take it. I don't generally give advice if a person has a history of ignoring what I advise. On the other hand, if they just want to vent, that sets the expectation, and I'm happy to let them vent.
To say, "she should be dating me and not her current boyfriend" shows a self-centered attitude focused on what you want, not what's best for her. Chances are you don't know the specifics of what's best for her, but it certainly isn't someone who is going to objectify her to make himself feel good. If I'm attracted to a woman and choose to have a platonic love for her, then I might say she shouldn't be with her current jackwagon, but I'm not going to presume I'm the best man for her unless God tells us both.
It's good to be friends, and we shouldn't be friends with the opposite sex while pining away in agony that they don't reciprocate our romantic interest. If you like someone, tell them, and let the chips fall where they may. If she reciprocates, hallelujah; you've got a potential romantic relationship. If she doesn't reciprocate, hallelujah; you've still got a friend, and that's a good thing.
Love rejoices with what's best for people, no matter what that means. If we truly care for those we're attracted to, we will be happy when they get what's best. If the fact a woman isn't romantically interested in you makes you feel bitter about being her friend, you don't care for her, but you're lusting after her like property to be owned.
So, for some reason, this thread's been resurrected. I'm not sure why, but it's been three years since I posted the thread.
I don't hear about "the friend zone" as much these days, but when I do hear about it, it always comes across with something that plucks my feathers. To recap, I used to complain about being in the "friend zone."
First off, why is it bad to be friends with a woman? That's a good thing. Complaints about the "friend zone" usually come about (in my experience) from guys--and it's always guys--who aren't content to be friends with a woman. With that attitude, they express a sense of entitlement to a relationship with the woman they claim has "friend zoned" them. And there we arrive at the problem: it's self-centered.
If you care for a person and choose to love them, then you will be happy when they get what's best for them, even if that doesn't include a romantic relationship with you. It is annoying when a friend complains about their significant other, says they want your advice, then refuses to take it. I don't generally give advice if a person has a history of ignoring what I advise. On the other hand, if they just want to vent, that sets the expectation, and I'm happy to let them vent.
To say, "she should be dating me and not her current boyfriend" shows a self-centered attitude focused on what you want, not what's best for her. Chances are you don't know the specifics of what's best for her, but it certainly isn't someone who is going to objectify her to make himself feel good. If I'm attracted to a woman and choose to have a platonic love for her, then I might say she shouldn't be with her current jackwagon, but I'm not going to presume I'm the best man for her unless God tells us both.
It's good to be friends, and we shouldn't be friends with the opposite sex while pining away in agony that they don't reciprocate our romantic interest. If you like someone, tell them, and let the chips fall where they may. If she reciprocates, hallelujah; you've got a potential romantic relationship. If she doesn't reciprocate, hallelujah; you've still got a friend, and that's a good thing.
Love rejoices with what's best for people, no matter what that means. If we truly care for those we're attracted to, we will be happy when they get what's best. If the fact a woman isn't romantically interested in you makes you feel bitter about being her friend, you don't care for her, but you're lusting after her like property to be owned.
I understand you to a point, but I read your post as saying that a man has some sort of moral obligation to remain in a platonic friendship with a woman who has rejected him for more than that. I disagree. It's not fair for a man to be trapped in something he doesn't want, and this can be grounds for awkwardness and tension between the pair, and I don't think that's sustainable. If he can get past the rejection and be okay with just friends, then okay, but otherwise, they should keep distance. He can always support her in a diminished capacity in her life if that is what is best for everyone.
I understand you to a point, but I read your post as saying that a man has some sort of moral obligation to remain in a platonic friendship with a woman who has rejected him for more than that. I disagree. It's not fair for a man to be trapped in something he doesn't want, and this can be grounds for awkwardness and tension between the pair, and I don't think that's sustainable. If he can get past the rejection and be okay with just friends, then okay, but otherwise, they should keep distance. He can always support her in a diminished capacity in her life if that is what is best for everyone.
I didn't mean to communicate that he should "stick around" if he can't get over the rejection. He should absolutely step back if that's the case, though I'd challenge him to learn how to cope with rejection and be content. Sometimes it's necessary to cut off a friendship, but other times it's worth it to stick it out and rejoice in it.
I think a man has every right to end a friendship if he develops feelings for a woman and he finds out she doesn't feel the same way. He in fact should end the friendship at that point. Romantic feelings that are rejected will make remaining friends impossible. The fact is when a woman rejects you there is no way to stay friends because that resentment won't go away and if those romantic feelings go away they will have been replaced with hate. The moment you let her know you have feelings is the moment you ended the friendship imo for a chance at a future partner with the risk of losing a friend. Also staying friends with someone you have romantic feelings for is a bad idea in the event that you get into a relationship with someone else. You wouldn't want to be tempted to cheat on your gf/wife by keeping the door open by staying friends with someone you used to like and may still like.
I think a man has every right to end a friendship if he develops feelings for a woman and he finds out she doesn't feel the same way. He in fact should end the friendship at that point. Romantic feelings that are rejected will make remaining friends impossible. The fact is when a woman rejects you there is no way to stay friends because that resentment won't go away and if those romantic feelings go away they will have been replaced with hate. The moment you let her know you have feelings is the moment you ended the friendship imo for a chance at a future partner with the risk of losing a friend. Also staying friends with someone you have romantic feelings for is a bad idea in the event that you get into a relationship with someone else. You wouldn't want to be tempted to cheat on your gf/wife by keeping the door open by staying friends with someone you used to like and may still like.
He in fact should end the friendship at that point. Romantic feelings that are rejected will make remaining friends impossible. The fact is when a woman rejects you there is no way to stay friends because that resentment won't go away and if those romantic feelings go away they will have been replaced with hate. The moment you let her know you have feelings is the moment you ended the friendship imo for a chance at a future partner with the risk of losing a friend.
I disagree. I have had many friends I expressed feelings for, and they didn't reciprocate. I got over the pain of rejection because I went into the conversation figuring I'd get rejected. I usually caught them alone and said something to the effect of, "Just so you know, I appreciate your friendship, but I've also wondered if you'd like to go on a date sometime, just the two of us." They graciously turned me down, so I shrugged it off. "Okay. Well then, I'll talk to you Sunday?"
From there, we just carried on as usual. I've grown apart from many of those friends, but nothing really changed between us because I valued their friendship. We only grew apart when they moved away, got busy with another avenue of life, or--in one case--did something that violated my trust. My affection for them didn't change how they acted toward me, nor I toward them.
I've also been in friendships where I expressed my feelings, felt the pain of rejection, and let that overwhelm me, so I've known how "romantic feelings" can turn to hate, but I see now I was only lusting after them, and not necessarily in a sexual way. I saw them as a means to be happy, and when they didn't fulfill that role, I took it as a personal betrayal. It was my own arrogance that destroyed the friendship because I wasn't mature enough to keep my emotions in check.
Also staying friends with someone you have romantic feelings for is a bad idea in the event that you get into a relationship with someone else. You wouldn't want to be tempted to cheat on your gf/wife by keeping the door open by staying friends with someone you used to like and may still like.
It's a bad idea to put yourself in a tempting situation, like spending time alone with someone you're attracted to, if you're in a relationship with someone else, but if you have the maturity for a relationship, then you shouldn't need to cut off friends completely just because you're attracted to them.
Again, I've been in that situation where I was in a relationship, and I still had friends I found to be attractive in some way. I told my girlfriend at the time, and yes, I limited my interactions with those attractive friends, but it's okay to be in a relationship and still find other people attractive. Women other than my girlfriend or wife do not turn into ugly trolls in their appearance or personality, and you can't avoid interacting with some of them just because you're in a relationship.
My last girlfriend and I would even discuss the people we found attractive. She had a thing for men in uniform, and she lived on a military base. She acknowledged to me and herself she was sexually attracted to the men on base. I told her about the women I found sexually attractive. It's not a sin to be attracted to other people; it's a sin to act on that attraction. I knew I wouldn't spend time alone with those women, and she wasn't going to spend time alone with those men.
We trusted each other, and I wasn't threatened by the fact she sometimes spent time with those men in mixed company. She wasn't threatened that I spent time with attractive women in mixed company. We made our choice for our relationship, and remained friends with attractive people, albeit with new boundaries. No need to cut them out of our lives. Our relationship only fell apart when we realized we weren't meant for each other, based on our aspirations in life.
She's now happily married, and we're on friendly terms still.
I guess it depends on what we mean by friend. If its more along the lines of an acquaintance and someone you will almost never see and rarely if ever talk to, you two may be on good terms but aren't really friends. Such a person is basically non existent in your life and having romantic feelings for this person isn't an issue regardless. If you are in constant contact with a friend who you have romantic feelings for and you are in a relationship that can't be a good idea. Regardless of what you say or do that friendship will never be what it was. The fact that a girl or guy knows you have romantic feelings for them completely changes the whole dynamic of a friendship. It just isn't healthy to remain friend with someone you have feelings for and they don't feel the same way or vice versa. I don't see why anyone would torture themselves with staying friends with someone they really want to be with and can't and I don't know why you would stay friends with someone who you know likes you and you don't feel the same way. I guess it all depends on what kind of friendship you have with the person. If a really close friend then you probably can't continue, and by close I mean someone you talk to almost every day. If it is someone you don't talk to very often anyways or see often then it shouldnt be an issue if you have feelings for them or they have feelings for you.
Don't dismiss these guys just yet... People can change a lot including us in just few years.. In a few years who knows, you might eventually find them attractive!
Don't dismiss these guys just yet... People can change a lot including us in just few years.. In a few years who knows, you might eventually find them attractive!
I guess it depends on what we mean by friend. If its more along the lines of an acquaintance and someone you will almost never see and rarely if ever talk to, you two may be on good terms but aren't really friends. Such a person is basically non existent in your life and having romantic feelings for this person isn't an issue regardless. If you are in constant contact with a friend who you have romantic feelings for and you are in a relationship that can't be a good idea.
Again, I disagree. If you're in a healthy relationship, you'll have the maturity to acknowledge that other attractive people exist, and yet you won't put yourself in a compromising situation. I can't imagine cutting friends out of my life just because I'm in a relationship. How does that conversation go? "I'm sorry, we can't be friends because I have a girlfriend, but I also think you're attractive?" That mindset just isn't feasible.
It's good and necessary to have boundaries, of course. If I'm in a relationship, I won't spend time alone with another woman I find attractive, but what if your workplace hires an attractive woman you've got to work with every day? Are you going to quit your job or tell your boss, "Sorry, I can't work with her?" I don't mean this as an insult, but that's an emotionally immature attitude.
Emotional maturity allows for the freedom to acknowledge other women exist. If I'm in the coworker scenario above, I'll tell my girlfriend I'm working with someone new. I'll tell her about that person, including the fact she's attractive. In a stable relationship, my girlfriend will trust me not to compromise my integrity, just like I know she's not going to compromise her integrity when the company she works for hires a total hunk.
Regardless of what you say or do that friendship will never be what it was. The fact that a girl or guy knows you have romantic feelings for them completely changes the whole dynamic of a friendship.
I addressed this in a previous post. It doesn't change the friendship if you both have the emotional maturity to handle it. If she can't handle it, she'll walk away, and if you can't handle it, you'll walk away, or develop feelings of hatred. But if you're emotionally mature, then you can acknowledge those feelings, accept they aren't reciprocated, and still value the friendship.
It just isn't healthy to remain friend with someone you have feelings for and they don't feel the same way or vice versa. I don't see why anyone would torture themselves with staying friends with someone they really want to be with and can't and I don't know why you would stay friends with someone who you know likes you and you don't feel the same way.
It's not torture if you value the friendship. If you don't love them as a friend, then yes, it will be torture, because one or the other person is self-seeking. But if you have a platonic love for one another, then you still have that "brotherly love" despite any attraction or lack thereof.
I guess it all depends on what kind of friendship you have with the person. If a really close friend then you probably can't continue, and by close I mean someone you talk to almost every day. If it is someone you don't talk to very often anyways or see often then it shouldnt be an issue if you have feelings for them or they have feelings for you.
If you have a "brotherly love," the friendship can be sustained. If you choose not to love that person and seek your own interests in pursuing a relationship with them, that's lust, and it certainly won't produce anything good. The "type" of friendship doesn't matter; what matters is whether you have "brotherly love" for your friend and value their friendship, or if you're seeking your own interests in lust.
Again, I disagree. If you're in a healthy relationship, you'll have the maturity to acknowledge that other attractive people exist, and yet you won't put yourself in a compromising situation. I can't imagine cutting friends out of my life just because I'm in a relationship. How does that conversation go? "I'm sorry, we can't be friends because I have a girlfriend, but I also think you're attractive?" That mindset just isn't feasible.
The issue isn't whether or not someone is attractive, the issue is you have romantic feelings for this person or at least did. I don't see how its a good idea to remain friends with someone you have or had romantic feelings for yet are in a relationship or even if you are single and looking for one. What good can come out of such a "friendship"? Having an attractive friend isn't the issue, having romantic feelings for said person is an issue. Even if you no longer feel such feelings I don't see why it would be a good idea to keep such a person around unless it is someone you rarely talk to anyways.
The issue isn't whether or not someone is attractive, the issue is you have romantic feelings for this person or at least did. I don't see how its a good idea to remain friends with someone you have or had romantic feelings for yet are in a relationship or even if you are single and looking for one. What good can come out of such a "friendship"? Having an attractive friend isn't the issue, having romantic feelings for said person is an issue. Even if you no longer feel such feelings I don't see why it would be a good idea to keep such a person around unless it is someone you rarely talk to anyways.
Perhaps we have different ideas about what "romantic feelings" means. I read "romantic feelings" as a range of thoughts and emotions, including (but not limited to), "I think you look good" to "I want to have sex with you" to "I want to be in a relationship with you."
friend zone isn't the worst. I have experience where sister's friend flatly ignored me from the very beginning. Not even a greeting, it was borderline hostile!
And then an attractive mentor who showed me her worst face also at the very beginning, perhaps to discourage any attempt at romantic feelings.
At least friend zone is something....That person is comfortable enough to have you close by, to greet you, and hug you unlike my case, I was treated almost like a sewer rat!
