The Friend Zone

[Lord Of The Forest]

 

[Miss Spaulding]

Since you forgot to append the gif, I'll do it for you.

Speaking of quoting posts so that they don't disappear...

 

[graciesings]

I am in at least half a dozen different friend zones. I'm happy with it. I would date any one of those guys, but I'm perfectly content to be just friends if that's what they want. It bugs me when I complain about their girlfriends, so I give them advice until I start to get annoyed and then I distract them with other interesting topics.

I'm fine with being friendzoned... I try not to crush on guys who have friendzoned me because it isn't healthy for our relationship. But I do sometimes secretly hope they'll give up those girls and fall in love with me.

 

[CCHIPSS]

I don't think it is healthy for a guy to secretly like a girl, but keep it all inside (sometimes for years) while pretending to only like her as a friend.

While this seems easier initially on the outside (only friends, no risk), it leads to many other bad things. It leads to obsession. It leads to coveting.

God is right when he said "Let your yes be yes, your no be no." Honesty is the best.

As a Christ follower, why do you fear? God is in control, so fear nothing. These kind of fear didn't came from God, but from the Evil One who wants you to doubt God. So go ahead and express you feelings and love toward this woman. If she said no, continue to love her as your sister in Christ.

Matthew 6:25-34English Standard Version (ESV)

Do Not Be Anxious
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?[a] 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 10:26-32English Standard Version (ESV)

Have No Fear
26 “So have no fear of them, for nothing is covered that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. 27 What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops. 28 And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.[a] 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. 30 But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. 32 So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven,

 

[Barzel]

I don't think it is healthy for a guy to secretly like a girl, but keep in all inside (sometimes for years) while pretending to only like her as a friend.

While this seems easier on the outside (only friends, no risk), it leads to many other bad things. It leads to obsession. It leads to coveting.

God is right when he said "Let your yes be yes, your no be no." Honesty is the best.

As a Christ follower, why do you fear? God is in control, so fear nothing. Go ahead and express you feelings and love toward this woman. If she said no, continue to love her as your sister in Christ.

I learned this the hard way. Now, whenever I like a woman, I will tell her so. It doesn't have to change the dynamic of a friendship unless one or both of you are too immature to handle it. Many of my female friends know I like them in some way, shape, or form beyond friendship, but it doesn't bother them, because I don't get weird or creepy about it.

Self-control and respect go a long way.

 

[redblue22]

how hard it can be to say "I don't want to be your friend."

.

 

[William67]

When I was 12 I developed an enormous crush on "T". We went to the same church. She was skinny as a toothpick, pale as death, and had a mouth full of braces, but I thought she was absolutely gorgeous. We became good friends. If she needed help with anything or someone to talk to, I was there. Because she was so skinny and awkward, she had a bad self image. I did my best to lift her up, but it had to come from within.

Anyway, her parents finally allowed her to start dating at 15. I asked her out several times. But she had a thing for "pretty boys" and "bad boys". Her parents loved me. When her mother found out that I couldnt go to drivers-ed because I didnt have a ride, she took me along with "T".

Im sorry to say that when I heard that one of her boyfriends had hit her, I caught him out and beat him, and his older brother who tried to help him, into the ground. (I was driving by that time). Finally, after asking her out a dozen times, in between her boyfriends, I finally came to the conclusion that it wasnt going to happen. But even our friendship ended when she got married at 20.

Many years later I hear that she and her husband got divorced. Two years ago, after a very long day at work, I decided to stop by McDs for a sandwich. While Im sitting there, in walks "T". She comes over and sits with me. Eventually, she falls back into telling me her problems. How her ex had cheated on her the whole time they were married. Finally, she asks me, "Why didnt we ever go out?"

Honestly, I looked at her in stunned silence for a minute. "Because every time I asked you out, you said you didnt want to ruin our friendship".

"Well, Im not married now and youre not married". I just looked at her. It was if she were saying 'I dont happen to be doing anything at the moment, so why not'.

So, I said to her, "Dont you think its a little late for that?"

When women tell you, "I dont want to ruin/lose our friendship", what they are actually saying is, "I just want to keep you on the line until something better comes along". If a woman doesnt want to date me, fine. But she shouldnt expect me to be her "fallback" guy.

 

[CCHIPSS]

When I was 12 I developed an enormous crush on "T". We went to the same church. She was skinny as a toothpick, pale as death, and had a mouth full of braces, but I thought she was absolutely gorgeous. We became good friends. If she needed help with anything or someone to talk to, I was there. Because she was so skinny and awkward, she had a bad self image. I did my best to lift her up, but it had to come from within.

Anyway, her parents finally allowed her to start dating at 15. I asked her out several times. But she had a thing for "pretty boys" and "bad boys". Her parents loved me. When her mother found out that I couldnt go to drivers-ed because I didnt have a ride, she took me along with "T".

Im sorry to say that when I heard that one of her boyfriends had hit her, I caught him out and beat him, and his older brother who tried to help him, into the ground. (I was driving by that time). Finally, after asking her out a dozen times, in between her boyfriends, I finally came to the conclusion that it wasnt going to happen. But even our friendship ended when she got married at 20.

Many years later I hear that she and her husband got divorced. Two years ago, after a very long day at work, I decided to stop by McDs for a sandwich. While Im sitting there, in walks "T". She comes over and sits with me. Eventually, she falls back into telling me her problems. How her ex had cheated on her the whole time they were married. Finally, she asks me, "Why didnt we ever go out?"

Honestly, I looked at her in stunned silence for a minute. "Because every time I asked you out, you said you didnt want to ruin our friendship".

"Well, Im not married now and youre not married". I just looked at her. It was if she were saying 'I dont happen to be doing anything at the moment, so why not'.

So, I said to her, "Dont you think its a little late for that?"

When women tell you, "I dont want to ruin/lose our friendship", what they are actually saying is, "I just want to keep you on the line until something better comes along". If a woman doesnt want to date me, fine. But she shouldnt expect me to be her "fallback" guy.

This got to be one of the most heart breaking story I read this month. I really feels for you because my mother's sister faces similar things as your ex-friend did.

It is pointless to try to sell a "good boy" to a girl who wants a "bad boy". By the time she decides she wants a bad boy, it is already too late.

Movies and TV dramas brainwashed the girls. Sinful images and videos brainwashed the boys.

Why didn't she go out with you? Because you aren't as cute, handsome, muscular, smart, smooth talking or drive a motorcycle as those guys she saw on TV. These kind of boys become her obsession and her idol. And she covets for them.

This same idea applies to boys too.

Often times people don't know what they have, and do not cherish it, until its gone.

 

[SnowyMacie]

If you have placed yourself into the friendzone, tell them how you feel. There's been times where someone has put themselves in my friendzone, and I look back and went "they liked me, I probably would have went out with them if I would have known." I wouldn't recommend doing this if they have a S/O or right after they have had a break up, because I think it comes off of more selfish than showing your actually feelings for them.

If someone places you in their friendzone so they can have you as a backup, I'm sorry, but no. Be with someone who wants to be with you now, not years from now when they don't have anyone else. I'm not saying it's wrong to be friends with someone, one of my good friends in youth group was a girl I asked out in eighth grade, ironically, we made out senior year, but that's another story. Anyway, I think it depends on everyone's intentions.

 

[William67]

This got to be one of the most heart breaking story I read this month. I really feels for you because my mother's sister faces similar things as your ex-friend did.

It is pointless to try to sell a "good boy" to a girl who wants a "bad boy". By the time she decides she wants a bad boy, it is already too late.

Movies and TV dramas brainwashed the girls. Sinful images and videos brainwashed the boys.

Why didn't she go out with you? Because you aren't as cute, handsome, muscular, smart, smooth talking or drive a motorcycle as those guys she saw on TV. These kind of boys become her obsession and her idol. And she covets for them.

This same idea applies to boys too.

Often times people don't know what they have, and do not cherish it, until its gone.

No. I was a big, muscular guy then. When I was 17 years old, I was 5'9", 215lbs. 30" waist. Played football. But I was nice and respectful, as my mother taught me. Said "Ma'am" and "Sir" like a nice Southern boy.

She ended up marrying a guy who looked like, well, to be blunt, a girl. Blonde hair, very feminine. Probably weighed 140 lbs soaking wet. She thought he was "super cute"...and so did he.

 

[CrusaderKing]

The old friend zone discussion. Phew. Well, a lot of this comes with your perception and the OP hits the nail on the head in a lot of ways. Guys need to keep in mind that all associations are voluntary. If she's not interested in you and you want to be more than just friends, you really should just move on. It's not worth it. My female friends are friends because I choose that sort of association. Avoiding the whole "friend zone" thing means changing your whole mentality on how you deal with the opposite gender.

 

[SnowyMacie]

This got to be one of the most heart breaking story I read this month. I really feels for you because my mother's sister faces similar things as your ex-friend did.

It is pointless to try to sell a "good boy" to a girl who wants a "bad boy". By the time she decides she wants a bad boy, it is already too late.

Movies and TV dramas brainwashed the girls. Sinful images and videos brainwashed the boys.

Why didn't she go out with you? Because you aren't as cute, handsome, muscular, smart, smooth talking or drive a motorcycle as those guys she saw on TV. These kind of boys become her obsession and her idol. And she covets for them.

This same idea applies to boys too.

Often times people don't know what they have, and do not cherish it, until its gone.

No. I was a big, muscular guy then. When I was 17 years old, I was 5'9", 215lbs. 30" waist. Played football. But I was nice and respectful, as my mother taught me. Said "Ma'am" and "Sir" like a nice Southern boy.

She ended up marrying a guy who looked like, well, to be blunt, a girl. Blonde hair, very feminine. Probably weighed 140 lbs soaking wet. She thought he was "super cute"...and so did he.

Another big part of it is that not everyone is attracted to the same things in a friendship as a romantic relationship. I have girl friends that I have never had any romantic attraction and will never have romantic attraction towards. It has nothing to do with their looks either, I am not attracted to their personality.

 

[Shattered-Reflections]

Can I just say, great thread. A lot of great wisdom from experience in here

When I think about it... according to DW's description a decade ago I was in a friend zone relationship that was bad. There was a friend I liked, and listening to someone's (bad) advice, I let him know how I felt. He turned me down (thankfully he had some sense) but we remained friends. He was going through a rough patch in his life and unfortunately I was blind enough to think I was trying to help him as a friend, but in fact was trying to "fix him" so there would be room for me. He needed a real friend to accept and love him as he was, but I wasn't that friend at all. I acted on what would benefit me and not him. It wasn't until he stopped opening up that I realized my foolishness and lost my best friend. It took me many years to let go of the pain and regret of my actions. I really did love him, but that love turned into greed.

Just one of many hard lessons... I hold people and relationships much more loosely now. I use to be a more much needy person when it came to any type of relationship because they were so fragile and fleeting growing up. Now I rarely chase after others, I rarely use words like "best friend", I don't live in fear of losing people, I'm almost too laidback now because I won't contact others lol. There's two major realities that have gotten me to where I'm at (1) People are merely people. Even the best of them will let you down, so don't put your hope in them. The one you're looking for is God, and God alone (2) You don't own anyone, so why do you act like it?* They are free to spend their time how they want, be friends with who they want, and marry/date who they want. It's mental for others to label you a "terrible person" for not spending x-amount of time with them, so how can you put demands and labels on others? They belong to God, and God alone, at best you're just a steward.

I still desire companionship, but I'm not going to bend over backwards to keep people happy or in my life. It's a much better places to be relaxed and have friends and others who love you as you are. If they leave, they leave. If they stay, they stay.




*disclaimer: It's not that I believe I've owned people, which is the whole point. Behavior didn't match reality or belief, the argument is to invalidate feeling upset, hurt, or wronged since there's no rights to another's life.

 

[leothelioness]

I honestly don't think I've ever been in a friendzone.

 

[Toro]

No shame in bending over backwards for someone you love to ensure they are happy. As long as they are worth the effort.

 

[Shattered-Reflections]

No shame in bending over backwards for someone you love to ensure they are happy. As long as they are worth the effort.

Out of selfless love? Sure. Out of fear and anxiety to keep a wonderful person with you? No. (not that I think you're suggesting that)

There's a lot of wonderful people who are worth while, but they aren't God, and I believe a lot of our natural desire to adore and love someone and so loved in return are really meant for God because what we're doing is an act of worship.

 

[redblue22]

I don't remember a friendzone. I drop people who offend me. Sometimes without a word of explanation. I have no problem telling a girl that I don't want or need a friend in her.

 

[Cute Tink]

I honestly don't think I've ever been in a friendzone.

*friendzones leo*

 

[leothelioness]

*friendzones leo*

I've been friendzoned. I.....I.......don't know what to say.

 

[Cute Tink]

lol