Terrified to talk!

[JRSut1000]

I have to bring some BIG decisions to the table soon and I'm scared to death to talk to hubby about it. (Concerning housing/finances) I just dont know how to approach my own husband when it comes to financial matters. I already know he will probably say no to a big proposition coming our way especially because its from my parents, but I think its a wise one. Yet I'm terrible with words. I'm supposed to be napping, but I'm fully wide awake and my bowels are bothering me. :-/ And these things need to be decided quickly because he deploys in less than 2 months. I have no idea where to begin or what to say or how or when. I dont know if I should just automatically 'take my husbands side' (not that its about sides) simply cuz its the easy option or if I should push for what I think could be a really great and wise opportunity.

 

[jehoiakim]

Hey, long time no talk. We have been in similar situations and we have had friends in the same boat. Ultimately we usually take the road you seem to be suggesting (without being sure of all the details) when we are given the opportunity and we have certainly been blessed for it. We have others who stick to their guns and never borrow or accept a gift.

If it is borrowed it is a lot more complicated and there is more to think about. If it is a gift I think you really need to ask yourself if the reason for refusing is out of principal or pride. That is an even tough subject to bring up with your spouse so if you do so I would be sure to ask it in a way where it seems genuine and not accusatory in the least. Family likes to bless, and it is more blessed to give then to receive but I can also tell you while my father likes to bless us at times he makes it extremely difficult for us to bless him because he refuses our gifts many times. Refusing a gift or an opportunity can but not always hurt the giver to because in reality they are trying to help you get to the best place possible. Many times there are also unspoken expectations that come with accepting a gift and is important to really consider what they will be and if it is worth it to make those concessions. There is also the time factor. For example after my wife and I were married my wife went to grad school and I also went back to college, we were full time in school and worked basically full time and lived with parents. We lived with my dad for a year and then lived with my mother-in-law for a year. A year seemed to be about our time limit. Had my wife been away for 2 years though, I could have managed that in my father's home simply because he was my father.

 

[mkgal1]

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask Him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.~James 1:5-6

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Praying along with you, JR.

 

[JRSut1000]

Excellent advice Jehoikim and I want to reply, just cant at the moment really while feeding baby.

mkcgal, my faith has been low lately. I've been frighteningly apathetic lately and in the evening it comes back to haunt me. I dont want my life to be just like everyone else who doesnt have faith in God.

 

[JRSut1000]

Okay, Jehoikim: it is partially a gift but there will be borrowing involved as well so we will be paying back as well which I'm okay with, I wouldnt want to take anything that huge for free, I'd rather it be more business like anyways. I know this sounds bad, but my husband does have an issue with taking things from my parents whether its gifts or advice.

 

[jehoiakim]

yes many many do and is usually a combination of pride and principal. It is hard as
man when you are expected to provide when someone, and especially your wife's parents help you pick up the tab it feels like you aren't doing you job to take care of their daughter. Some of that feeling is good, but sometimes it can be destructive as well.

I am sure HaShem will take care of you guys regardless, keep us posted

 

[mkgal1]

mkgal, my faith has been low lately. I've been frighteningly apathetic lately and in the evening it comes back to haunt me. I dont want my life to be just like everyone else who doesn't have faith in God.

We have such a generous (and faithful) God, JR! Even when we struggle with doubts......I've found He's faithful to be the One to give us reasons to place our faith in Him.

There's nothing wrong with doubt and disbelief......I personally think that's where we gain a deeper understanding of Him. Doubts just mean we need more information......and He's promised to give even that to us.

 

[JRSut1000]

These doubts dont help when it comes to any form of decision making or even standing up for myself because I honestly dont even know what I want in life or what's best for my little family. Yes, I have a husband and two children and we're homeowners, what more could I ask for? But when opportunities come knocking on the door, it's confusing and I freeze up and dont know what to say and usually just go with the flow with whoever I'm with at the time. I dont have anyone in real life I can confide in about these matters because there's always strong bias one way or the other with the closest people in my life (e.g. husband and my parents - usually its in opposite directions no matter what the subject) so I always feel torn.

I'm currently 3 weeks postpartum, so the added stress of decisions that need to be made and talks that need to be hashed out... its just depressing and makes me feel like a failure in a way.

 

[mkgal1]

I think I understand. I like to have a full map laid out of where I'm to go.....but, often (typically) God wants us to take things just a step at a time---one decision at a time. It's typically, for me, been these times that God has really shown Himself to me. They've become my "Joshua stones" in memory of His faithfulness and provision (even if the provision was just understanding---very clearly---His will).

I hope I'm not being obnoxious for speaking in cliche' (meaning--overly used)....but, I can't help thinking about this passage:

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.~Matthew 6:33

 

[JRSut1000]

I know my husband and I both desire the Kingdom of God in our lives and want to be a part of what God is doing in the earth, but that seems to be at a standstill too. So hence faith doubts and not sure what it means/looks like. Every so often I rethink and tweak my worldview and I think thats healthy, but not when it leads me to feel depressed and unsure.

 

[mkgal1]

Also......you *may* be terrified to talk, because right now you don't really have a stance.....yet. It may not be HIs perfect time yet. Remember the story of Esther.....and how she had several banquets (was it three total?) before she spoke to her husband, the King? Maybe you need to first decide on what you believe God wants for you all (that's the first step).........*then* you can take it to your husband (with God even leading in that timing, as well), with any objections already answered for.

 

[JRSut1000]

I guess my biggest issue is, I think the 'proposal' is wise for a variety of reasons, at least some of the plan I think is just plain wisdom. But even the parts I'm very sure about, I'm afraid to discuss those matters. My mom tells me that I never stand up for myself either with her or my own husband (cuz lets face it, both individuals have very strong personalities) and she's worried that my dreams won't come true because I never speak up. Obviously, my mom and dad only want the best for me and my little family. Not that my husband doesn't either, but my parents are big go-getters and really think things through.

And yes, if I believed in something firmly enough I should hope I'd be able to discuss such things confidently with anyone who is involved in the decision making whether its my parents or husband.

 

[mkgal1]

It's difficult......because your mom's suggestion makes a lot of sense (that you need to speak up for your dreams and hopes)........but, just be leary of taking all that as what you ought to do (if that makes sense)....based on the fact that you trust her. I'm not saying *not* to take her advice......but, just don't base your decision fully on the plan making sense.....AND your trust for your mom (and the fact that she's right about you not speaking up). That's all great support of what to do...........but, nothing compares to God's wisdom.

Maybe I'm projecting......because, I used to gravitate towards taking the advice of people that I loved and trusted (especially when their advice just seemed to make perfect sense).........and unfortunately, some of those times I don't think I should have. Only God knows *all* the details (is really all I'm trying to say)
Don't leave Him out of the decision making (I'm not suggesting that you are---just a bit o' advice). He may just have a bigger/better plan (but....this could *be* that perfect plan).

 

[JRSut1000]

My mom can be pretty pushy, but also she's in her 60s and I do know has much life experience. My dad started out as a plumber, and yet he was able to put me through college, give me braces, etc. My mom said that she sometimes did have to push my dad to reach higher in life and that's its not selfish to want to build up an inheritance (not just in money, but legacy too) for our children if we're able to. I dont want to 'push' my husband but at the same time, if someone (my mom or a professional or whoever) gives financial or life wisdom then its something to consider. But my husband is less likely to consider my parents advice. They kinda butt heads and its unfortunate cuz it usually means I'm in the middle. I guess the PROBLEM is my husband struggles with his pride and not accepting advice and my parents are rather pushy. The BLESSING, my parents do have wisdom in a lot of areas and do want the best for my little family and my husband is cautious in decision making which isnt always bad either.

 

[mkgal1]

It sounds like mostly what you need is the words.....and the timing. Am I right? I love the verse that says that it's truth that cuts to the heart. I'll pray that God gives you that concise (and truthful) statement.

Peter's words pierced their hearts, and they said to him and to the other apostles, "Brothers, what should we do?"~Acts 2:37

 

[LinkH]

I agree with Mkgal1 that you should pray for wisdom. If you ask in faith without doubting, you are guaranteed to get it.

I write better than I speak, and I've found that sometimes it's more effective for me to write to my wife than to speak it. I've done this if a topic is difficult to talk about or if I wanted to share something encouraging that was just harder for me to say as well in person as it was written down. I've used FB and email to send her things. If you do this, concentrate on keeping it short. You could tell him you are thinking of a plan to do something financially, but it is hard for you to explain it out loud, and you think you could write it better. (If it has spreadsheets, that's a good excuse.)

You could also be careful not to mention your mom having an opinion on the matter at all, and make it as a proposal from you two to them that you are bringing to your husband first.