marriage is hard

[Chichi Perez]

so today was a horrible day.. my husband and I had a huge argument in the morning because I told him that hes hurting our son everytime he tries to talk to his dad, my husband says "sh" or "stop" and our son (age 3) gets really sad and starts crying and comes to me when im suppoesd to be working on my schoolwork, which i get up at 5am to do so that it doesnt interfere with my time with the kids and cooking/cleaning. maybe i shouldnt have said it, but i did my best saying it calmly, i rarely ever yell at him or raise my voice unless its a really bad argument. anyway, I was going to go to the store to buy groceries with the kids which was my plan since yesterday and then he told me he would cancel the card if i left and he was implying that I was going to buy alcohol (i used to have a bad drug problem before i was a christian but i havent touched drugs in 4 years almost and i did relapse drinking but that was a year ago for one day and before that it was like 6 months prior) and it made me really angry so i just left alone and he got really mad because he works from home and he got stuck with the kids. I shouldnt have left but i was so angry and he was following me around the house nonstop criticizing me and i just oculdnt take it anymore. i was trembling and i just was overloaded with stress. i had a miserable day because I keep replaying all the thigns he said to me "im tired of you. im done with you. you dont do anything. you dont keep up with the housecleaning, you get an F for a wife, your not a mother, i would fire you if i could..." he said sorry and took it all bak and i forgive him but im so angry and just hurt from all that stuff and i know i messed up too by leaving i was gone for like an hour but im just freaking hurt. my heart aches and my soul is just in utter suffering. i dont have friends. i wish so bad i had one friend. since i sobered up, i had to get rid of all my freinds because i only wanted to be around christians and get away from the bad drug scene. i never made friends after that. as much as i try... they are always just shallow surface talk-about-the-weather kind of aquaintances from church where i have to put a straight face like everythign is perfect. i feel so freakign alone. i hate myself sometimes for even allowing myself to get so out of control and crying and negative mentality and letting sadness overtake me. i have a lot of attachment issues from my childhood and i know that plays a role, i have always since i was a kid felt unloved, unwanted, misunderstood, and im just so sick of myself already I jsut want to be with Jesus so He can take all this pain away and wipe the tear from my face. my husband always shuts me up, never listens to me like just to be a listenign ear for mypain, tells me to be quiet when im crying and rolls his eyes at me when i tell him i feel emotionally neglected. its like the pain never ends. jsut to be clear i am NOT suicidal in anyway... i just want the pain to stop. i want stronger faith, i want to be better at cleanign the house and everythig beign sparkling clean but its impossible without giving up my time with the kids and prioritizing taking them to the park and making sure they are happy. i do laundry and i do organize everyday, i clean the house in sections so its never full 100 clean. for example, i do the bathrooms deep cleainging one day and then the floors another day and deep clean the kitchen another day..etc.. and basic organizing throughout each day. im so exhausted. i just want to be heard and seen and loved. i know Jesus can do all these thigns. i beg and pray but the feelings always come back. why cant i just be stronger, not this friendless loser that nobody appreciates. im so sorry to sound so negative and self-depricating. i dont feel well at all today. pray for me please. and il pray too. tell me you hear me if you read this. anyone out there, please just see me... btw, i only said the bad stuff my husband does, but he is actually a really good husband but not when hes mad or feelign depressed or when we fight its bad, but dont think hes bad. hes a good husabnd.... he just struggles sometimes just like me. im not any better than he is.

 

[jacks]

Marriage (all of life for that matter) can be very hard at times. It sounds like you have a lot going on. Praying for you, things will get better.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

 

[Unqualified]

Does he fellowship?

 

[tturt]

Sorry that you are going through this. Does your husband's dad help with the chores at their home?

Marriage and raising children can be very difficult especially when the children are young. Studying at 5 is what I did, too. Also, did laundry & put a dish in the oven (doubled the recipe) at 5. Even your husband getting upset about how he was hurting the child reveals that he has areas to work on. Is he a believer? Additionally, since the child is 3, they need daily responsibilities just like every family member. They can make up their bed, set the table & help clean up, immediately put their dirty clothes in the hamper, and put toys up as they finish playing with them, etc. Every time clap, praise the behavior you want, then taper off til it becomes their habit. Of course you may already know these suggestions.

Praying for you and your family. You're right - God can guide us. He can fill every empty space we have.

 

[Larniavc]

so today was a horrible day.. my husband and I had a huge argument in the morning because I told him that hes hurting our son everytime he tries to talk to his dad, my husband says "sh" or "stop" and our son (age 3) gets really sad and starts crying and comes to me when im suppoesd to be working on my schoolwork, which i get up at 5am to do so that it doesnt interfere with my time with the kids and cooking/cleaning. maybe i shouldnt have said it, but i did my best saying it calmly, i rarely ever yell at him or raise my voice unless its a really bad argument. anyway, I was going to go to the store to buy groceries with the kids which was my plan since yesterday and then he told me he would cancel the card if i left and he was implying that I was going to buy alcohol (i used to have a bad drug problem before i was a christian but i havent touched drugs in 4 years almost and i did relapse drinking but that was a year ago for one day and before that it was like 6 months prior) and it made me really angry so i just left alone and he got really mad because he works from home and he got stuck with the kids. I shouldnt have left but i was so angry and he was following me around the house nonstop criticizing me and i just oculdnt take it anymore. i was trembling and i just was overloaded with stress. i had a miserable day because I keep replaying all the thigns he said to me "im tired of you. im done with you. you dont do anything. you dont keep up with the housecleaning, you get an F for a wife, your not a mother, i would fire you if i could..." he said sorry and took it all bak and i forgive him but im so angry and just hurt from all that stuff and i know i messed up too by leaving i was gone for like an hour but im just freaking hurt. my heart aches and my soul is just in utter suffering. i dont have friends. i wish so bad i had one friend. since i sobered up, i had to get rid of all my freinds because i only wanted to be around christians and get away from the bad drug scene. i never made friends after that. as much as i try... they are always just shallow surface talk-about-the-weather kind of aquaintances from church where i have to put a straight face like everythign is perfect. i feel so freakign alone. i hate myself sometimes for even allowing myself to get so out of control and crying and negative mentality and letting sadness overtake me. i have a lot of attachment issues from my childhood and i know that plays a role, i have always since i was a kid felt unloved, unwanted, misunderstood, and im just so sick of myself already I jsut want to be with Jesus so He can take all this pain away and wipe the tear from my face. my husband always shuts me up, never listens to me like just to be a listenign ear for mypain, tells me to be quiet when im crying and rolls his eyes at me when i tell him i feel emotionally neglected. its like the pain never ends. jsut to be clear i am NOT suicidal in anyway... i just want the pain to stop. i want stronger faith, i want to be better at cleanign the house and everythig beign sparkling clean but its impossible without giving up my time with the kids and prioritizing taking them to the park and making sure they are happy. i do laundry and i do organize everyday, i clean the house in sections so its never full 100 clean. for example, i do the bathrooms deep cleainging one day and then the floors another day and deep clean the kitchen another day..etc.. and basic organizing throughout each day. im so exhausted. i just want to be heard and seen and loved. i know Jesus can do all these thigns. i beg and pray but the feelings always come back. why cant i just be stronger, not this friendless loser that nobody appreciates. im so sorry to sound so negative and self-depricating. i dont feel well at all today. pray for me please. and il pray too. tell me you hear me if you read this. anyone out there, please just see me... btw, i only said the bad stuff my husband does, but he is actually a really good husband but not when hes mad or feelign depressed or when we fight its bad, but dont think hes bad. hes a good husabnd.... he just struggles sometimes just like me. im not any better than he is.

Sounds like your husband needs to grow up and understand that bringing up kids is a team effort.

Just doing a day job does not cut it to be a good dad/husband. Does he do anything around the house or with the kids or does he just hide behind his job to get out of being a good partner?

Maybe try to find some friends who aren’t drinkers OR Christians? Friends based on arbitrary criteria are never as good as ones that evolve organically. How much ‘you’ time do you get in any given week.

Full disclosure I’m a cognitive behavioural therapist and your story is really common one I encounter.

 

[Chichi Perez]

Sounds like your husband needs to grow up and understand that bringing up kids is a team effort.

Just doing a day job does not cut it to be a good dad/husband. Does he do anything around the house or with the kids or does he just hide behind his job to get out of being a good partner?

Maybe try to find some friends who aren’t drinkers OR Christians? Friends based on arbitrary criteria are never as good as ones that evolve organically. How much ‘you’ time do you get in any given week.

Full disclosure I’m a cognitive behavioural therapist and your story is really common one I encounter.

Thank you for your response and care!
Yes, he does do stuff around the house like the dishes every night, walks the dog and sometimes does the floors. He has ADHD, which he just started taking medication for like a month or so ago. it helps him, but by the time he gets out of work, i just feel like i have to ask him to do things over and over and i hate to be a nag. i literaly rather be called anything but a nag... but i feel like if he just helped with the kids more, i wouldnt have to be asking him to.., which to answer your next question, he deifnitly helps with discipling the kids (spanking, rarel; time outs are more our technique), and he takes it seriously that the kids respect me which is great. but for example, at night i do the baths and then he picks up our 1 year old and dresses him and then i get out of the bath tub and get dressed quickly and feed the bottle to our baby while my husband gets our older one out of the tub and is supposed to put on his pajamas and read him a book and put him into bed, but he just stays on his phone the whole time and while im feeding the baby i can hear my older son in the room saying "papa. papa. papa? papa?" and my husband saying something like "sh, relax" and then i hear him get sad and whimper and then my husband tells him again to be quiet. this stresses me out so i rush to the room to find my son naked, not even dressed with his pajamas yet and sad. OR, hes with his pajamas but instead of reading a book and putting him to bed, he waits for me to do it and is on his phone with my son staring at the phone with him. i hate screen time, so my kids rarely get it and especially at night i hate it even more because i know that blue light keeps them up. there are rare times when my husband comes out when im done feeding the baby and tells me "ryan is already in bed" and i LOVE those days its such a relief. it gives me a break that i need so bad because i work my ass off all day long. i really wish my husband can take over that night-time part of the routine with my older one so that i can relax after feeding the baby rather than having to go and do the whole routine with my older one, which if he's sad, it just adds the extra task of calming him down and telling him that "papa loves you and papa isnt mad at you hes just tired and its not your fault." I get so stressed and feel so let-down and like just uncared for when i go in that room every night and see that my husband has waited for me to do the whoel thing.. and then he says hes gonna walk the dog or do the dishes, but he just stays on his phone or in the bathroom with his phone the whole time and doesnt even do the dishes or walk the dog while i did the whole routine with getting my older son to bed by myself. by the time i put the baby to sleep, i am so done and i could really use a break and peace and time to wind down MYSELF... but the thing is that no matter how calmly and respectfully i phrase it or address the issue, he gets mad at me. he says "now im REALLY unmotivated because you are criticizing me" and its like, EITHER WAY, i don't get that break at night no matter what. there are times when i am just so overly stressed and while hes getting our older one out of the tub and im feeding the baby i say "baby, please can you get ryan to bed" and he gets mad at says "give me a chance to surprise you. give me a chance to do the thing you want me to do without telling me, just TRUST me". well, i DONT WANT TO BE SURPRISED. and unfortunately i regret to say that i CANT trust him.. even when he says "okay dont worry just focus on the baby", I STILL walk into that room and see my son not even dressed yet.... i feel stuck trying to be the "respectful and quiet" wife, but i could be a lot better wife and mother if i got some kind of a break... which answers your next question. i RARELY get time for myself. i need it so bad.. i made a whole schedule to fit in time for my excersize and journaling, playign guitar, and things that matter to me that would help my stress/ anxiety, but because my husband gets out at 6pm everyday rather than 4:30, which is when hes supposed to, i get no time for anything except home responsibilities and my school work. as for friends, i want christian friends, but at this point i want ANY friends as long as they arent into bad thigns like smoking or even drinking.. i try to talk to mothers in the playground that have other kids but its all just small talk and my self-esteem is pretty low so i jsut keep thinking that they wouldnt want to hang out with me anyway so im too scared to ask for a phone number or anything. some days are better than others... but overall.. i WISH my husband woudl just help me out more but i cant ask or mention it without him either getting mad or sad and having some kinda reaction. hes pretty unapproachable honestly most of the time. so in any given week, i proably have about an hour or two out of the whole week to be at peace and just listen to my own thoughts, breathe, meditate... everythign is always rushign aroudn taking care of everything and im tired of it. im really burnt out. i wish my husband could just take over the night time routine jsut with our older one and take that time to bond with our son instead of shutting him up... plus so i could rest. but i have no idea how to confront him about this as i have tried so many ways and i know im not allowed to say anythign about it, so i stay quiet and when i even LOOK disappointed, he says "oh now your disappointed?" and i get punished for my feelings rather than him understanding that he literally JSUT told me he would put him to bed and read him a book and then didnt do anythign and wants me to completely ignore it, stay quiet, AND have a smile on????

 

[Larniavc]

Thank you for your response and care!
Yes, he does do stuff around the house like the dishes every night, walks the dog and sometimes does the floors. He has ADHD, which he just started taking medication for like a month or so ago. it helps him, but by the time he gets out of work, i just feel like i have to ask him to do things over and over and i hate to be a nag. i literaly rather be called anything but a nag... but i feel like if he just helped with the kids more, i wouldnt have to be asking him to.., which to answer your next question, he deifnitly helps with discipling the kids (spanking, rarel; time outs are more our technique), and he takes it seriously that the kids respect me which is great. but for example, at night i do the baths and then he picks up our 1 year old and dresses him and then i get out of the bath tub and get dressed quickly and feed the bottle to our baby while my husband gets our older one out of the tub and is supposed to put on his pajamas and read him a book and put him into bed, but he just stays on his phone the whole time and while im feeding the baby i can hear my older son in the room saying "papa. papa. papa? papa?" and my husband saying something like "sh, relax" and then i hear him get sad and whimper and then my husband tells him again to be quiet. this stresses me out so i rush to the room to find my son naked, not even dressed with his pajamas yet and sad. OR, hes with his pajamas but instead of reading a book and putting him to bed, he waits for me to do it and is on his phone with my son staring at the phone with him. i hate screen time, so my kids rarely get it and especially at night i hate it even more because i know that blue light keeps them up. there are rare times when my husband comes out when im done feeding the baby and tells me "ryan is already in bed" and i LOVE those days its such a relief. it gives me a break that i need so bad because i work my ass off all day long. i really wish my husband can take over that night-time part of the routine with my older one so that i can relax after feeding the baby rather than having to go and do the whole routine with my older one, which if he's sad, it just adds the extra task of calming him down and telling him that "papa loves you and papa isnt mad at you hes just tired and its not your fault." I get so stressed and feel so let-down and like just uncared for when i go in that room every night and see that my husband has waited for me to do the whoel thing.. and then he says hes gonna walk the dog or do the dishes, but he just stays on his phone or in the bathroom with his phone the whole time and doesnt even do the dishes or walk the dog while i did the whole routine with getting my older son to bed by myself. by the time i put the baby to sleep, i am so done and i could really use a break and peace and time to wind down MYSELF... but the thing is that no matter how calmly and respectfully i phrase it or address the issue, he gets mad at me. he says "now im REALLY unmotivated because you are criticizing me" and its like, EITHER WAY, i don't get that break at night no matter what. there are times when i am just so overly stressed and while hes getting our older one out of the tub and im feeding the baby i say "baby, please can you get ryan to bed" and he gets mad at says "give me a chance to surprise you. give me a chance to do the thing you want me to do without telling me, just TRUST me". well, i DONT WANT TO BE SURPRISED. and unfortunately i regret to say that i CANT trust him.. even when he says "okay dont worry just focus on the baby", I STILL walk into that room and see my son not even dressed yet.... i feel stuck trying to be the "respectful and quiet" wife, but i could be a lot better wife and mother if i got some kind of a break... which answers your next question. i RARELY get time for myself. i need it so bad.. i made a whole schedule to fit in time for my excersize and journaling, playign guitar, and things that matter to me that would help my stress/ anxiety, but because my husband gets out at 6pm everyday rather than 4:30, which is when hes supposed to, i get no time for anything except home responsibilities and my school work. as for friends, i want christian friends, but at this point i want ANY friends as long as they arent into bad thigns like smoking or even drinking.. i try to talk to mothers in the playground that have other kids but its all just small talk and my self-esteem is pretty low so i jsut keep thinking that they wouldnt want to hang out with me anyway so im too scared to ask for a phone number or anything. some days are better than others... but overall.. i WISH my husband woudl just help me out more but i cant ask or mention it without him either getting mad or sad and having some kinda reaction. hes pretty unapproachable honestly most of the time. so in any given week, i proably have about an hour or two out of the whole week to be at peace and just listen to my own thoughts, breathe, meditate... everythign is always rushign aroudn taking care of everything and im tired of it. im really burnt out. i wish my husband could just take over the night time routine jsut with our older one and take that time to bond with our son instead of shutting him up... plus so i could rest. but i have no idea how to confront him about this as i have tried so many ways and i know im not allowed to say anythign about it, so i stay quiet and when i even LOOK disappointed, he says "oh now your disappointed?" and i get punished for my feelings rather than him understanding that he literally JSUT told me he would put him to bed and read him a book and then didnt do anythign and wants me to completely ignore it, stay quiet, AND have a smile on????

I gotta say he sounds awful at being a supportive husband. There are so many things he could be doing that would help.

But people don’t change unless they have to and it seems you requests for help and support are in practical terms.

If you had the self confidence and drive to bullet point exactly want you need him to do and we’re to show him that list how would he react?

 

[Larniavc]

i proably have about an hour or two out of the whole week to be at peace and just listen to my own thoughts, breathe, meditate... everythign is always rushign aroudn taking care of everything and im tired of it. im really burnt out.

What do you do just for fun?

 

[Hazelelponi]

so today was a horrible day.. my husband and I had a huge argument in the morning because I told him that hes hurting our son everytime he tries to talk to his dad, my husband says "sh" or "stop" and our son (age 3) gets really sad and starts crying and comes to me when im suppoesd to be working on my schoolwork, which i get up at 5am to do so that it doesnt interfere with my time with the kids and cooking/cleaning. maybe i shouldnt have said it, but i did my best saying it calmly, i rarely ever yell at him or raise my voice unless its a really bad argument. anyway, I was going to go to the store to buy groceries with the kids which was my plan since yesterday and then he told me he would cancel the card if i left and he was implying that I was going to buy alcohol (i used to have a bad drug problem before i was a christian but i havent touched drugs in 4 years almost and i did relapse drinking but that was a year ago for one day and before that it was like 6 months prior) and it made me really angry so i just left alone and he got really mad because he works from home and he got stuck with the kids. I shouldnt have left but i was so angry and he was following me around the house nonstop criticizing me and i just oculdnt take it anymore. i was trembling and i just was overloaded with stress. i had a miserable day because I keep replaying all the thigns he said to me "im tired of you. im done with you. you dont do anything. you dont keep up with the housecleaning, you get an F for a wife, your not a mother, i would fire you if i could..." he said sorry and took it all bak and i forgive him but im so angry and just hurt from all that stuff and i know i messed up too by leaving i was gone for like an hour but im just freaking hurt. my heart aches and my soul is just in utter suffering. i dont have friends. i wish so bad i had one friend. since i sobered up, i had to get rid of all my freinds because i only wanted to be around christians and get away from the bad drug scene. i never made friends after that. as much as i try... they are always just shallow surface talk-about-the-weather kind of aquaintances from church where i have to put a straight face like everythign is perfect. i feel so freakign alone. i hate myself sometimes for even allowing myself to get so out of control and crying and negative mentality and letting sadness overtake me. i have a lot of attachment issues from my childhood and i know that plays a role, i have always since i was a kid felt unloved, unwanted, misunderstood, and im just so sick of myself already I jsut want to be with Jesus so He can take all this pain away and wipe the tear from my face. my husband always shuts me up, never listens to me like just to be a listenign ear for mypain, tells me to be quiet when im crying and rolls his eyes at me when i tell him i feel emotionally neglected. its like the pain never ends. jsut to be clear i am NOT suicidal in anyway... i just want the pain to stop. i want stronger faith, i want to be better at cleanign the house and everythig beign sparkling clean but its impossible without giving up my time with the kids and prioritizing taking them to the park and making sure they are happy. i do laundry and i do organize everyday, i clean the house in sections so its never full 100 clean. for example, i do the bathrooms deep cleainging one day and then the floors another day and deep clean the kitchen another day..etc.. and basic organizing throughout each day. im so exhausted. i just want to be heard and seen and loved. i know Jesus can do all these thigns. i beg and pray but the feelings always come back. why cant i just be stronger, not this friendless loser that nobody appreciates. im so sorry to sound so negative and self-depricating. i dont feel well at all today. pray for me please. and il pray too. tell me you hear me if you read this. anyone out there, please just see me... btw, i only said the bad stuff my husband does, but he is actually a really good husband but not when hes mad or feelign depressed or when we fight its bad, but dont think hes bad. hes a good husabnd.... he just struggles sometimes just like me. im not any better than he is.

It sounds firstly like perhaps time management is an issue for you.

How large is your home?

I used to be able to clean my house from top to bottom in an hour.

You can bang out a family meal in under 45 minutes.

Things like vacuuming and the kitchen floor have to be done daily in most homes, especially with young kids, but scouring the bathroom I did twice a week and it was plenty. Just clean as you go. After you wash your hands give a quick wipe down of the sink. Dusting is just a twice a week requirement as well.

You can throw laundry in the washing machine before you leave in the morning and finish it at night.. folding and putting away clothes is the most time consuming part, and that's just 5 or 10 minutes...

You have to get the kids picking up their own toys - but they will, even at 2 and 3 they can be taught to put toys away. Sure they'll miss a couple at that age, but it's a time saver when they do most of it.

My "fun" time with my kids was doing housework and their homework with them. I didn't take mine to parks and whatnot, they just went outside to play when they wanted to play.

If your going to school and trying to keep up with the house it's the same as if you worked full time and kept house, you don't have any spare time really...

If career is your priority, and it sounds like it is, you will have to start cleaning as you go and realize you don't have spare time anymore for so much fun stuff.

The best I ever got was 1 day off a week to lounge.

But new today is you don't have to grocery shop anymore. You can place your grocery order online and just swing by and pick it up on your way home from school. You don't have to go out of your way at all for groceries anymore. Just shop at a store that's already on your driving route.

Time with the kids is having them "helping" you.. and it's just as quality a time as stuff like parks, probably moreso because your engaged with them and teaching them.

I used to put my daughter on the kitchen counter and she would "help" me cook, and I was doing that from the time she was 1 until she was tall enough to stand in a chair pulled up to the counter.

Cooking was some of the best time we had together, and as an adult she told me those were some of the best memories.

In the end, having a career and a clean house (at the same time) is just a matter of good organization and time management. When it's good enough you will still have "you time" after the kids are in bed every evening.

It sounds like your husband feels resentful.. therefore I ask, is he trying to watch the kids all day when you're at school?

Then is he working from home on top of it?

He may be taking his frustrations about that out on you... Men don't have the same type of patience with children as women often do...

Maybe you could try daycare while you go to school a couple days a week. Give him a break from kids, then maybe he'll be more apt to help with some of the housework too.

 

[Larniavc]

It sounds firstly like perhaps time management is an issue for you.

No the issue is hubby not doing his fair share.

 

[Hazelelponi]

No the issue is hubby not doing his fair share.

No... It's time management.

I worked full time and had a clean house and a home cooked meal every night without a husband and had a day off every week where I didn't have anything to do, and I had "me time" every night. And yes, I had children.

When you are well organized, your not stuck living in a dirty house, upset about who is not doing their "fair share".

At that point, she can decide what is most helpful to her, for her husband to pitch in and help her with. But she needs to learn time management first. Just for her own wellbeing.

 

[Larniavc]

I worked full time and had a clean house and a home cooked meal every night without a husband and had a day off every week where I didn't have anything to do, and I had "me time" every night.

But the OP DOES have a husband who could help her if he chose to.

The issues is him thinking a day job is equal weight to running a house hold and family.

 

[Chichi Perez]

It sounds firstly like perhaps time management is an issue for you.

How large is your home?

I used to be able to clean my house from top to bottom in an hour.

You can bang out a family meal in under 45 minutes.

Things like vacuuming and the kitchen floor have to be done daily in most homes, especially with young kids, but scouring the bathroom I did twice a week and it was plenty. Just clean as you go. After you wash your hands give a quick wipe down of the sink. Dusting is just a twice a week requirement as well.

You can throw laundry in the washing machine before you leave in the morning and finish it at night.. folding and putting away clothes is the most time consuming part, and that's just 5 or 10 minutes...

You have to get the kids picking up their own toys - but they will, even at 2 and 3 they can be taught to put toys away. Sure they'll miss a couple at that age, but it's a time saver when they do most of it.

My "fun" time with my kids was doing housework and their homework with them. I didn't take mine to parks and whatnot, they just went outside to play when they wanted to play.

If your going to school and trying to keep up with the house it's the same as if you worked full time and kept house, you don't have any spare time really...

If career is your priority, and it sounds like it is, you will have to start cleaning as you go and realize you don't have spare time anymore for so much fun stuff.

The best I ever got was 1 day off a week to lounge.

But new today is you don't have to grocery shop anymore. You can place your grocery order online and just swing by and pick it up on your way home from school. You don't have to go out of your way at all for groceries anymore. Just shop at a store that's already on your driving route.

Time with the kids is having them "helping" you.. and it's just as quality a time as stuff like parks, probably moreso because your engaged with them and teaching them.

I used to put my daughter on the kitchen counter and she would "help" me cook, and I was doing that from the time she was 1 until she was tall enough to stand in a chair pulled up to the counter.

Cooking was some of the best time we had together, and as an adult she told me those were some of the best memories.

In the end, having a career and a clean house (at the same time) is just a matter of good organization and time management. When it's good enough you will still have "you time" after the kids are in bed every evening.

It sounds like your husband feels resentful.. therefore I ask, is he trying to watch the kids all day when you're at school?

Then is he working from home on top of it?

He may be taking his frustrations about that out on you... Men don't have the same type of patience with children as women often do...

Maybe you could try daycare while you go to school a couple days a week. Give him a break from kids, then maybe he'll be more apt to help with some of the housework too.

hey thank you for all the ideas i really appreciate the thoughts you shared. my husband does work from home but he does not watch the kids at all while hes working. thats his space and we try to treat it like hes at the office. while hes working, i try not to work so much on my school stuf to focus more on everything else. it will get better. yeah, cleaning is just in bits and pieces and there is so much laundry lol somtimes it takes liek an hour just folding, hanging clothes.

 

[Chichi Perez]

No... It's time management.

I worked full time and had a clean house and a home cooked meal every night without a husband and had a day off every week where I didn't have anything to do, and I had "me time" every night. And yes, I had children.

When you are well organized, your not stuck living in a dirty house, upset about who is not doing their "fair share".

At that point, she can decide what is most helpful to her, for her husband to pitch in and help her with. But she needs to learn time management first. Just for her own wellbeing.

For me, time-management is not really the problem. I am very very precise with time even down to the minute and am very mindful about what i spend my time doing. For example, when i go to the bathroom, i use those 5 minutes to read my textbook for school on my phone. I am actually very good at time management and i multitask and prioritize. The issue is more of like too much responsibility on my hands, like responsibility overload. we just made a few little changes like me walking the dog in the morning instead of my husband, which gives me a little calm moment outdoors where i can pray and renew my mind for the day insterad of jumping right into the hectic morning routine with breakfast with the kids. it actually has helped with the stress a lot in the morning. at night, my husband starting yesterday agreed to brush our 3-year old's teeth before he gets in the bath so that i dont have to do that part and he also has taken over the bedtime readign part and these littel adjustments have helped a lot. my husband is a a great man. hes not perfect and i do think him doing a little more with the kids helps my mental state a lot so i think these little changes are plus. ill keep posting updates! thank you!

 

[Chichi Perez]

What do you do just for fun?

i like to play guitar and sing and write christian songs. and i like to watercolor paint which i havent done since before i even met my husband.. 5 years ago

 

[Laodicean60]

I'm beginning to wonder if my wife joined these forums. Some of your story is making me feel guilty and rightly so. My wife is superhuman in all that she has done. I've helped, the man stuff, but if you were to put a timestamp on it she worked circles around me.

 

[Larniavc]

i like to play guitar and sing and write christian songs. and i like to watercolor paint which i havent done since before i even met my husband.. 5 years ago

It is very important that you have protected time for yourself. This cannot be understated. Re engaging with something that you can do ‘just for fun’ will make you feel much better over time.

Does hubby get free time to himself?

 

[Chichi Perez]

No... It's time management.

I worked full time and had a clean house and a home cooked meal every night without a husband and had a day off every week where I didn't have anything to do, and I had "me time" every night. And yes, I had children.

When you are well organized, your not stuck living in a dirty house, upset about who is not doing their "fair share".

At that point, she can decide what is most helpful to her, for her husband to pitch in and help her with. But she needs to learn time management first. Just for her own wellbeing.

I dont think time management is realy the issue. im extremely maticulous with scheduling and i dont waste a single minute. i dont do random youtube...or social media.. none of that. everythign in my day is tight packed with responsibilties lol but i have made some changes like i made my sons homeschooling shorter each day by spilling math into only twice a week rather than everyday and L.A only twice a week on those other days too. i also now get up at 4:30 am rather than 5 and that little bit has helped with schoolwork a bit more.

 

[Hazelelponi]

I dont think time management is realy the issue. im extremely maticulous with scheduling and i dont waste a single minute. i dont do random youtube...or social media.. none of that. everythign in my day is tight packed with responsibilties lol but i have made some changes like i made my sons homeschooling shorter each day by spilling math into only twice a week rather than everyday and L.A only twice a week on those other days too. i also now get up at 4:30 am rather than 5 and that little bit has helped with schoolwork a bit more.

I didn't realize you were trying to homeschool too...

Okay that changes the situation.

If you're homeschooling why are you trying to work? You really shouldn't be trying to do both...both working and trying to homeschool is too much for anyone. That's two full time jobs plus housework. That's too much.

 

[Chichi Perez]

I didn't realize you were trying to homeschool too...

Okay that changes the situation.

If you're homeschooling why are you trying to work? You really shouldn't be trying to do both...both working and trying to homeschool is too much for anyone. That's two full time jobs plus housework. That's too much.

hey. oh, work? no I dont work like a job yet i have another like 2 years of school left for my masters. but for now, no im not trying to work. lol that would be CRAZY