Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

[Lady Bug]

I hate it, i hate feeling like this i hate it being so up and down mainly down, majorly down. im trying so so so so hard to get my weight up and work on it n it just seems pointless because its not working im really really stuggling my weight is going up and i wish i could say it was staying the same but its not!!!!


please please please can someone explain why i have to keep trying. Everything just seems so pointless the help people are offering me just seems to hit this huge great big black wall!!!!!


sorry everyone not having a great night needed to just get that out somewhere thought here might be the best place.



hows everyone doing???

I'm feeling like you right now - only difference is that I'm trying to get my weight DOWN not up. I have absolutely no, no energy. All I want to do is lie down and sleep. I can barely get myself to do basic tasks.

I may hear back about ECT soon... I really hope so... I am so sick of waiting.

I've been wondering about the ECT It sounds scary to me (I know tha statement doesn't help, sorry) - is it supposed to feel like you're being electrocuted?

Lady Bug Of course I/we remember you.

I hope that you lose the weight that you need to lose... but even if you don't, it's not the end of the world. It sucks to not be able to lose what you want/need to lose... but don't lose hope if you don't. Much, much easier said than done, I realize, though.

...

I have gained weight... and I'm dreading my N appt (next Wednesday). I haven't weighed myself much, since depending on where I weight myself in the kitchen (where my scale resides), there is a X.Xlb difference in weight... yeah. Don't really want to weigh myself on the side of the kitchen that says I weigh the heaviest, don't want to weigh myself on the side of the kitchen that says I weight the lightest... 'cause I don't know which to trust. In any case, the number is still really high. Jarrod thinks it's water retention, since it's that time of month, but still... ...my N will let me know, and I am really not looking forward to that burst of ugly reality. I know it's stress that caused the weight gain, if indeed there is some that is fat not water, which means I can lose it, but I've been yo-yo-ing back and forth since summer... losing here, gaining here, losing again, gaining again. I HATE IT!!!

Anyway. That's what's been going on with me in terms of ED stuff. I've been eating okay, though, thankfully.

are you underweight or are you anorexic or bulimic? (I can't believe I'm even asking this because I thought by now I'd know this)

I notice that every 5 years my weight fluctuates very badly. It's demoralizing to know that all that weight from years back that I worked so HARD to lose, is almost all gained back. (I don't remember how I lost it either)

I don't understand why it feels like I have to freakin STARVE to death just to lose a few pounds - and "a few" is not even how much I need to LOSE. All I want to do is eat til I'm satisfied like REGULAR people do, who don't have the eating disorders we have. I'm also a tall person with large bones so I should be somewhat "justified" in being able to eat a sizeable amount of food, as long as I remain active enough. I don't understand my body. I'm ALWAYS HUNGRY unless I eat a grotesquely big amount of food I can't stand it. It's not just a matter of willpower. It's a real problem!

 

[Soulwings]

Ladybug. I'm sorry that it feels like you have to "starve to death" to lose weight... but maybe if you set a goal as to how much you eat, eventually your mind (and your stomach) will become used to it? Plan out in advance what you will eat for meals. Write it down, and don't let yourself go over that amount. Or at least, try not to. It's much harder than it sounds, I realize, but that is pretty much what they do in treatment (as well as therapy etc., of course... how I wish you could get that kind of help as well!!! ).

I'm EDNOS-R - nearly anorexic but I lacked a few of the criteria when I was diagnosed, namely I still had my period and I wasn't down to the percent of my ideal body weight that is in the criteria (which I couldn't be able to reach unless I quit eating entirely for a very long period of time), even though I lost a good amount of weight. So yeah. I tend to restrict my intake and used to overexercise... now I eat a low amount of calories (my N is always trying to bump the amount up, but it's so hard!!) and don't exercise much, which is supposed to help me lose the weight that I regained in treatment and when I was on lithium (I'm bipolar)... but stress always gets me. And I tend to not drink enough, so I retain water. Ugh. That is not fun... I'm a little podgy, I think, although I've been told that I look great. I don't know. I'd rather be underweight and skinny as a rail, but if I lose enough weight to get to the point where I was this summer, I'll be happy (XXlbs lower than I am now - not that much).

ECT is done when you're under anaesthesia, so you're not supposed to feel anything. It is done normally unilaterally (the electrodes are placed on one side of your head, temple and forehead), unless that doesn't work - then they go to bilaterally, which causes much more confusion and disorientation. Memory loss is nearly a guaranteed thing, but it's never clear just how much there will be. A few months prior to the tx is usually what I've heard. Some afterwards. That's why I can't be in uni while having this done, as much as it sucks.

I've heard back from my NP and I should have a referral appt set up on Monday. I really hope that the pdoc in charge decides that I'm a good candidate... I have no idea what I will do otherwise. I feel so freaking rubbishy.

 

[Lady Bug]

I'll try to respond later in depth if I get the energy - I gained my weight back that I was losing

it reminds me of the phrase "kick 'em when they're up, kick 'em when they're down"

I gotta go for now...

 

[beckybooiloveu]

*hugs* for everyone. sory i havent been around... im just working heaps...

 

[Soulwings]

Bec. Try to take it easy on yourself, love, okay? I know how you tend to beat yourself into the ground with all of the stuff you do. Do you have any time to at least get ten minutes in of me-time?

 

[beckybooiloveu]

well im about to go for a run... and then after im going to have a nice hot shower and then im going to do a face mask... and then im going to get to sleep early

so tonight is a me night...

 

[Soulwings]

Yey Bec, for having some me-time!! I'm so proud of you for doing that.

How are you doing? and how is everyone else??

s for all.

...

I'm going to be going IP on Sunday if there's a bed available, and then ECT will start Monday I guess... I don't want to stay IP longer than I have to. This is a bigger hos and I'm really scared as to how seriously mentally ill my fellow patients will be. I'm also scared about a lot of other things... like the ECT procedure itself, and taking one of my meds without food (it's not coated and tastes gagalicious usually I stick it in a swallowful of chewed food, as gross as that sounds). I don't know. I'm just... scared. But I should only be there for a few days, hopefully. And the close friend I met in hos this past summer (different hos, with a MUCH nicer ward) is going to come visit, since she lives really close by.

I am so freaking tired. I am going to have coffee with a prof friend, and I am so exhausted that I don't want to... in fact, I never want to leave the apartment. I can't help but wonder if I am developing agoraphobia...

Anyway.

 

[katey]

April, will be thinking of you loads. it will be scary going into hospital that your not familiar with try and take soemthing thats failiar to you to make it a little easier. i hope your not in for longer than you need to.
sorry havent been on heads been everywhere recently. thinking of you all loads though xxxxx

 

[Lady Bug]

Wow Soulwings I didn't realize how soon your ECT is - I am glad to hear that it is done while you are under. The memory loss thing makes me wonder though. How much memory will you lose? It won't cause brain damage or anything will it?

 

[beckybooiloveu]

*hugs* im thinking of you april. I hope it all goes well! Let us know as soon as you can!

 

[katey]

just thought i'd come in and say hiya, its a little quiet in here at the minute. hope everyones doing ok.

April hope the ECT is going ok sweetie. thinking of you loads xxxx

Becs, Ladybug, and everyone else sending you all huge huge hugs



well i've not been too good i'm out of hospital now but i'm on a community section thingy, which means that at any point my mental health starts to slip, become out of control for me or the 'proffesionals' feel the ned for me to be in hospital it will happen.

My ED is causing major issues with me right now and i'm hating it so much. i'm not sure if its just me rebelling a little after coming out of hospital or what but ive just gone back to things, like my excercising, but not letting on how much, saying yes to having eaten lunch or wotever and ive not. its all bad i know but im feeling good in that way. ive got control back instead of staff having it!!! hope that makes a little bit of sense.
I asked my cousin if shed go get me some new clothes n stuff because i cant bare shopping, and its just way to much for me to handle right now, but majority of my clothes dont fit me at the minute(theyr falling of me) . she got me really really nice stuff yet i felt horrible in it, most of it fits me, she went a bit mad at me at the size i told her to get me and shocked even more wen she saw me in it and was still big!!!!!.
it doesnt make n e sense in my head, so yeah all confused about now!


AARRGGHH well gotta plod on i suppose. its the weekend so dont have a clue wot i'm doing, ive got two visits a day from the crisis home treatment team over the weekend so cant really do that much!!!!!!

 

[Soulwings]

I'm back, I'm back!!

I missed you all.

ECT isn't that scary, and I didn't lose that much memory. The hospital was more hospital-y than the ward I "normally" go to, when I am suicidal, but I got a really awesome roommate, so that was cool. I didn't lose a lot of memory. Stuff right prior to going IP is a little hazy (like - I spent time with my best friend the day before I went IP and I don't remember that at all) and my perspective has shifted so everything looks different. I don't know. It's really weird. And it feels like it's spring in my head, even though it's just mid-February. I don't know. I can't really explain it. I guess I'm more full of hope than I was before and that's why it feels like spring? I'm not as depressed anymore although am still depressed quite a bit, am lowish level right now - I've had four treatments (out of twelve I think) so far and going under with the anaesthetic is a really weird feeling!! I almost had a panic attack in the recovery room because I don't get my antianxiety meds until a lot later than usual (yesterday I didn't get them til after eleven am and I usually take them six to seven am on days that I'm at home). The first time I had ECT done, my whole body hurt so bad. Something about having a seizure induced makes all of your muscles tense up really badly, and so your whole body hurts like hell.

Anyway. I'm back, and will be OP for the next three weeks.

...

Katey, sorry to hear that things aren't going well. Try to take care of yourself for us, okay? or other people in your life IRL, if we don't work enough (hehe). You deserve health and happiness. I'm sorry I don't have any more words of wisdom to share... but keep hanging in there. I'm glad that you're out of hos but maybe it's better for you to be in there than not, even though there's that control issue (I understood what you meant, btw).

...

How is everyone else doing? Lady Bug, Bec, Shannie?

s to all. And happy Valentine's Day!!

 

[Lady Bug]

Hi guys. Don't have too much to say at the moment but...

katey - it looks like you're afraid to eat anything, right? maybe for fear of gaining any weight?

soulwings - it looks like you may have already gone through an episode of ECT?

anyway - I got the flu thursday but now I'm feeling better. I ended up losing several pounds from the flu though and that's the only "positive" thing from all this I don't want to gain it back. I already look a little better from losing weight and feel lighter - but I didn't like HOW I lost the weight. Now I'm scared to eat ANYTHING but if I don't eat anything I will start feeling woozy and my stomach will feel like there's a knife in it.

 

[Soulwings]

Yep, Lady Bug, I've already gone through a week's course of ECT. Just three weeks left.

I'm sorry to hear that you got the flu... and if you don't eat, you're also going to be more likely to gain weight whenever it is that you do start eating again. Best to just keep eating when you can.

I'm so tired. This is ridiculous. I could sleep for hours now. I can't wait until it's bedtime............

 

[Lady Bug]

I'm sorry to hear that you got the flu... and if you don't eat, you're also going to be more likely to gain weight whenever it is that you do start eating again. Best to just keep eating when you can.

I'm so tired. This is ridiculous. I could sleep for hours now. I can't wait until it's bedtime............

Oh I know what you mean about gaining the weight as soon as you start eating againI'm scared almost

If I do start eating more, I'll try to avoid as much cane sugared items - for now. That's been a major culprit.

 

[katey]

Hey April, we missed you too, i'm glad that your first week went ok and your not feeling to many after effects. hope the next three weeks are ok for you.

Here is huge control issues, i know i shouldnt bother about it too much and yeah possibly hospital is better at times but i hate it, i hate being stuck in there. I dont know i'm just going to see how i do and how i get on. i'm trying to hang on as much as i can.

Ladybug, hope that your feeling better after having flu, its a bit more than being afraid to eat, but yeah the fear of gaining weight again is there a lot at the minute.


x

 

[beckybooiloveu]

from what i have gathered april the ECT went well and has made a difference. im so happy for you . Did misss you while you were gone... even if i wasnt posting...

im coming to the end of Preparation week at the moment so am absolutely exhausted... at the crashing stage but will have to battle through until the end of next week. next week is even bigger though unfortunately. I would love to go to bed right now... but i have to pick up a friend from a party tnight so have to wait up until she calls... which could be any time in the next three or four hours... (it is eleven:ten pm now) blahhhh...

 

[Criada]

s
Haven't posted for a while..but, you are all in my prayers.

April, I'm so glad it is going well, sweetie

Katey Sorry it's so hard, sis. Little steps.... try to eat something, sweetie, I know it's hard, but.. you are worth it, we want you to be well.

Becky, try to find a little bit of time for you, sweetie

 

[katey]

I'm a mess and all confused. everything seems to be causing problems at the minute and i dont like it!!!!!
my CPN is majorly doing my head in, she doesnt listen to what im trying to say to her so i just end up shutting up and letting her talk, which is pointless but hey. i'm supposed to be getting restbite care and its not happening, a center that ive used in the past when ive hit crisis, and before its resulted in hospital is supposed to be written into my care plan but the stupid women has now decided that she doesnt want me to use it for crisis anymore. but the restbite will be there for one weekend every three months (or so she says!!!!) its completly stupid, so now im sstuck.. i'm only allowed to be unwell for one weekend every three months, and a weekend not weekdays, so friday night to sunday afternooon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i kno thats stupid but thats how it feels at the minute!!!!!!!!! shes tying to get me to do some things that ive already told my psychologist im not prepared to do, its not going to happen and he was ok with that he said hat hed advocate my feelings and stuff. but nope thats nt good enough for my CPN shes going to get me to do it, make me more confident so i will go and do it, and be involved with meetings and decision making!!!!!!!!! its got nothing to do with my confidence at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it would be so much easier if everyone was singing from the same hymm sheet!!!!!!!!!!

my heads just all over the place, its a mess it really is, my eating..........................well yeah its not going to well still. ive lost weight, so everyones on my back about it, but inside i feel really good about it, although ive not shown it. i am trying, i kno it doesnt seem like i am very much.


OK i'm going to shut up rambling on, i didnt mean to rant ike that. theres more but i really wont start that right now


Anyway hows everyone else doing?

 

[katey]

Is anyone about??