Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

[Soulwings]

Hmmm, I think I'm really looking forward to athletic yoga. I just have to get back into the mood for it. I brought my books with me to the apartment, and I have enough alone time that I can do it (at least over break), but once school starts up again, I'll have to do it in the morning after Jarrod's left, because I feel really dumb doing it with people around. I'm not the most graceful of people and I'm definitely not the slimmest, so when I exercise like that, lots of bending and stretching, I prefer people - even my husband - not to see the icky bits here and there bulging.

I'm also looking forward to walking, though, because I can walk to the library in town - it's only about half a mile away. Maybe three quarters. It should be fun.

Yeh, uni is not a happy place for me. And I've not had the best years of my life there. I think the best years of my life were when I was about seven to ten years old. Haha. That was before things started getting complicated. Anyway, yeah. I can understand where you're coming from. What was your major??

I'm glad that you had a good Christmas. I was a little disappointed because I got a lot of "useful" gifts... good to have but something I'm not used to. I mean, useful as in bakeware and cookbooks, not useful as in clothes. But I suppose I am being ungrateful, because the stuff my parents got us, the bakeware, was quite expensive, and we do need it, and couldn't afford it on our own. So yeah. A friend online gave me a twenty-five dollar gift certificate to Amazon.com, so I'm excited about that. It should be fun to pick out some books from the "used and new" section - that's where I normally pick out my stuff. It's a lot cheaper (some books you can get for under two dollars!!) so definitely worth it, even if the books are a little dinged up.

Okay, now I'm going to go make those brownies for Jarrod's birthday (tomorrow). I already made biscuits so I am feeling super productive ... and while the brownies are baking I am going to scrub out the bathtub and perhaps sweep a little more thoroughly. I want to get the apartment clean for the new year, I think, subconsciously (although not subconsciously now that I've spotted it). Whee......

s

 

[katey]

AAARRRGGHHAARRGGHHAAARRGGHHH, i'm feeeling really yucky today. i hate it. i dont like this time of year at all. all my mates are getting ready to go out to new years eve parties and spending time with eeach other. and i cant face it. i dont have the energy to do anything let alone actually want to do anything. I'm wishing that 2009 will be a better year but i really cant see it happening at all!!!! its pants.

sorry its a bit of a depressing post, but needed to just vent a little, i could go on but yeah not going to coz will be writing for ages.

hope everyones else is doing ok, and i am wishing eveeryone a happy new year xxxxx

 

[Shannie]

Hi April!

Whenever you talk about yoga you make me think I should find a class or something cuz it sounds fu. Unfortunately I'm insanely inflexible so I'd just make a fool of myself. Wii fit yoga is about all I can handle lol.

Yay for libraries. I love reading. I got a book for Christmas and it's sitting on the shelf looking at me, but I'm determined not to read til after my exam because once I start reading I can't stop til I'm done my book. Of course this doesn't apply to anything academic lol.

My major in uni was a double in math and accounting. Accounting is ok, but the math was just so hard and I felt stupid for teh better part of five years lol. No more math for me ever!

Sorry you didn't get as many 'fun' presents this year, although getting stuff for your home can be fun too, in a different way. And an amazon gift card sounds great...I didn't know their used books were so cheap...may need to go investigate that lol.

Wow you sound superproductive today lol. I feel lazy with my mountain of laundry piling up Going to deal with that later this afternoon I hope. And brownies sound great. I almsot never back because there's no one to eat it, but if I can give some of it away after I do enjoy it. One time I brought cookies I had made to a training thing for work and that was definitely a hit amongst the guys in my group lol. I need to find more people to give baking too cuz it's fun to do.


Katey,

I'm sorry you are feeling yucky. I find the new year thing can be pretty triggering, I'll be glad once it's over. Hopefully next year will end up being better for you. Can you do something relaxing and nice for yourself tonight if you don't feel up to going out? And if venting on here helps write as much as you want!

 

[katey]

i tried to have a relaxing night but its not helped i cant sleep so i'm back on here just trying to keep myself busy at the minute. hope everyones having a good new years eve. happy new year and all that.


I would lke to say 2009 is going to be a better year except am struggling to find anything good about it right now. why is it that all that seems to actually change is the day/date.
i cant explain the yuckyness at the minute coz its just all messed up in my head and not too sure whats going on.. i just generally dont like this time of year. iv put my front on for the lat 2 weeks, i had my twenty first, then chrimbo then new year now i'm just exhausted and the fronts too tired to stay up. i debating having a drink this evening and just dissapearing, so i suppose thats a good thing that i didnt but now im still left feeling like this and its pants.

i'm just rambling on now as i dont really have much too say what i want to say i cant seem to coz it just doesnt want to come out.

Anyhow its like half one in the morning and i suppose i should attempt to try and get some sleep, whatever that is. if i cant ill probably come back on here and ramble a little bit more, so i do apologise if theres a few posts on here with me just rambling.


sending lots of hugs to everyone

 

[Shannie]

Hi Katey,

I hope you were able to fall asleep and get some much needed rest. I'm sorry your new years wasn't that relaxing. It sounds like you had a really busy last month. A belated Happy Birthday though! Keeping a front up for family and friends is exhausting and it's no wonder you're worn out from all those big events.

I know what you mean about the new year just being a new date. I never do too much to celebrate (even less this year cuz I'm studying, thus why I'm on CF two hours to midnight lol) because it's just not a big deal to me. I love the idea that tomorrow I'll magically wake up and have a fresh start, but that's not how it actually works. I'm still the same person with the same struggles and problems as I'll go to bed with tonight. On the other hand there are things I can look forward to that will happen in the new year, so that is something I look forward to. I dunno if that makes sense...nothing big will change magically tonight at midnight (it's only ten now) but good things will happen next year.

Happy New Year to everyone and I really do hope we all have a good two-thousand-nine.

 

[katey]

hey, thanks Shannie, i didnt manage to get any sleep but i rung and spoke to the good old bre brigade (crisis team!!!) i iwish things could change over night. wouldnt it be great!!!!!!!!! yeah doesnt happen though.

I guess ill just plod on as per usual, Carry on with my good old stick on front.

 

[Soulwings]

AHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I am having a really bad night... suicidal in a way, really really want to SI...

...and I really, really wish that I'd died from my ED when it was really bad. I don't want to live this life anymore. I just want the hurt to stop.

 

[katey]

April hun, whats wrong here if you need/want to talk xxx

 

[Soulwings]

Thanks, Katey. You've helped via the PM and visitor messages (I will message you back!!). How are you doing now?

And Shannie, how are you? Bec, are you around? and anyone else, how're things going?? It's been awfully quiet here lately... I miss the days when this board was more active.

 

[Shannie]

Hi girls!

April I hope you are feeling better. I'm sorry you had such a rough night. .

Katey,
How are you doing?

Sorry for my part in the board being slow. Strangely somehow I missed the last couple posts yesterday, I just didn't see them. Very odd =S

I must run...my exam's monday and I'm seriously scared I might fail. Just wanted to say hi and send lots of .

 

[Soulwings]

Shannie. Praying for you; I'm sure you'll do fine on the exam. Best of luck in cramming!!

Thanks for dropping by.

...

I'm doing alright now... kind of... feel like I've eaten way too much so far today, though, although intellectually I know it's pretty much a good amount.

I'm really worried about a lot of things... this semester... seeing my T (don't know if I'll be able to see her this term and if not, I am not going to go see a uni counselor, for a number of reasons [they're good, it's not that, just a lot of other stuff])... well, those are the main two things. Then getting worse depression-wise and not knowing what my NP is going to be doing with meds; Jarrod doesn't want me starting another AD because I've had such a bad track record with them (I've been on eight and only one helped/didn't make me worse, and it stopped working after a year or so)... and I don't know what I want. If I keep getting worse, though......

I don't know.

Plus, tonight J and I are going grocery shopping. I don't want to but know we need to since we are running out of food, heh. If I stay in a grocery store for too long, looking at food, I get panicky. I don't know why. I guess it's related to my ED, dunno though.

...

Hope y'all are doing okay tonight.

 

[Shannie]

Hi April,

Thanks for the encouragement. I am definitely crossing my fingers and praying about this one, failing would be very very bad. Can't think about though or I'm going to freak out and stop being able to study. So I'm going to be positive and say I WILL pass on Monday and I WILL study hard until then.

What is worrying you about uni? Oh I think I remember you saying this semester is full of really hard classes right? (or am I confusing you with someone else...?) Why won't you be able to see your T? I'm sorry the uni counselling won't work for you. That's what I did when I was in school and I had two really good counsellors. My first one went on mat leave my last semester and the replacement was better lol...the first one (also very helpful though) should have had kids sooner!!

I'm sorry to hear your depression is getting worse . I think you should definitely listen to J's opinion on ADs but probably not to be totally closed to the idea of trying something new if your team thinks it's a good idea. I dunno if that makes sense.

I hear you on the grocery shopping. It can be really scary when ED tags along. I know it's probably too late for this trip, but would Jarrod be willing to shop alone for a while until you are feeling better? I find all the choices is very overwhelming sometimes. I've stood in a grocery store aisle agonizing between two brands to determine whether to get the one I like or the other one that is a measly few calories lower per serving and other such scenarios. I find going in with a list of exactly what I need helps too.

 

[beckybooiloveu]

hi everyone...
shannie, i wish you the best for your exam. I will be thinking and praying for you...

April, im thinking of you too... im sorry your depression is getting worse... *hugs*

just wanted to pop in and say that im thinking and prayer for you all... i cant type much atm because i have the shakes...

 

[Soulwings]

Shannie, I am sure you will do fine. You're smart and capable. And yes, positive attitude is the right way to go about it all!!

You didn't confuse me with anyone else - I do have a load of hard classes (at least, I think they'll be hard, four out of five are upper-division) - and more hours of on-campus work than this semester. I don't know if I can see my T because of my hours at uni - the schedule's changes so the earliest classes start at eight thirty in the morning rather than eight, so that screws up the whole MWF schedule (of fifty minute classes) so the times I have off are between hours (e.g., I have a three hour break on MF, which is the time I need for seeing my T, since it's a forty-five to fifty minute drive up and back, and a fifty minute appt, and I need time for parking etc.). But I can't see my T then because she starts appts on the hour and by the time I get there and have to leave, I would have only a twenty minute appt or something like that. So yeah. It would be ridiculous. I hope that makes sense!! Basically, the uni officials rearranged schedules and that screws up everything. UGH.

Yeah, I'm going to be listening to J's opinion... I think he's right... it's just that I don't know what I'm going to do. I think that I am going down again, down farther and farther... and I don't want to have to handle uni and being super depressed and struggling... but I also don't want to go on another med. I'm pretty sure that my NP is going to try to pressure me into trying another one since she won't want to risk putting me in hos again (which we can't afford anyway). AHHH!!!! *scream*

Anyway.

I do okay grocery shopping... we went last night and I didn't freak out for once, woohoo!! We were fast in and fast out (and I carry a list with me all the time of what we need, so it's pretty quick)... yey. Got less than twenty items so we could pop in to the fast lane check-out. Hehe. The benefits of shopping frequently. (Well, we don't usually, but this time it was stuff I forgot to tell J to get when he went shopping.) I would send him shopping alone, except I can never tell when ED is going to tag along, as you so aptly put it!! And if he goes alone, I have to be very, very, very specific in writing down what he needs to get. Of course, there are many benefits to having cell phones - he can just call me whenever he is confused about brands etc. Usually we go for the cheapest brand, not quite so much the calories, but we do try to go for the healthiest options, like multigrain cereal or bread versus white bread and sugary cereals.

...

Bec How are you doing, love?? not well, I take it.

 

[beckybooiloveu]

not the best...

 

[Shannie]

Becky,
Thanks! I'm sorry to hear you aren't feeling well. . Is seeing a doctor a possibility?

April,
Thanks

Glad to hear I didn't have you mixed up. I see how the uni changing the schedule would really mess everything up. Can you change section times for any of your classes? Although with so many upper-year courses that's probably harder being there's fewer sections of each class.

I'm sorry I don't think I explained what I was trying to say about ADs very well. I would never presume to say you should or shouldn't be taking meds, cuz I certainly don't know enough to say that. I think I was more trying to say to make sure to consider J's opinion but make sure to also consider your team's opinion, seeing as they are the professionals. Then you can make the best decision for yourself. Sorry I'm not communicating well

I'm glad shopping went ok. It usually goes ok for me now, unless my ED is unusually bad that day and it's so much better than before. It was pretty unpleasant to be freaking out in a grocery store over something like whether or not to buy one little item. Haha cell phones are great for things like sending guys shopping and them being able to call. My b/f will shop for me once in a while and it has definitely happened before

Hope you all have a good day My last day of studying so I gotta go. I can't wait to get back to work and back to my normal routine.

Praying for you all.

 

[beckybooiloveu]

i think i probably should go to a doctor... but i dont have a regular GP so i dont want to go see some random one... so i know i wont end up seeing one...

 

[Soulwings]

Bec, love, why don't you set up an appt with a GP so you can have a regular one??

...

Shannie, how did your exam go??

I actually managed to figure out a time to see my T during the semester!! Woohoo!! Hehe. I'm so glad about that. I saw her this morning and we set up a time. The only problem is, it's after dark and I have to drive on backroads to see her and my night vision sucks. But - I do get to see her - thank God, literally!!

You communicated fine, don't worry. I'm just thinking that I'm going to go with my and Jarrod's opinion that I shouldn't try another AD since we don't know how it will work (or if it will work, or if it will make me worse - which we REALLY don't need!!). I know that you wouldn't tell me to do something or not... I do appreciate hearing your opinions and thoughts on things, though.

Glad to hear that shopping goes better for you now too. Hehe, I haven't done much of sending Jarrod to do shopping for me, only when he's coming back from work and I need him to pick up a few things for me (erm, us, I mean ).

How're you doing today?

...

s to all.

 

[beckybooiloveu]

if im going to get a regular GP then i wnt one i feel really comfortable with... and i dont have the time to find one that i really like...
April... i hope evrything works out with the ADs... etc
how did your exam go Shannie?

 

[Soulwings]

Bec I wish I could help more. How are you doing now??

...

I'm not going with another med - the only one left was a tricyclic, Remeron, with about three billion potential side effects. The other option that my NP gave me was ECT - electroconvulsive therapy, aka electroshock therapy, aka "getting zapped." I chose ECT, after a tortured day of thinking about it and not being able to get it out of my head.



So my NP was supposed to call the hospital today to see about it - if there's a waiting list, if I fit the criteria, what I have to do about a preliminary appt, etc., etc. I'm still waiting to hear back from her, and I hate that - waiting, I mean.

I ended up dropping three out of the five classes that I was going to take this semester. I don't even know if I'll be able to complete this term... but I do know that I wasn't going to be able to handle sixteen credits of intensive coursework. I hope I was wise in doing this... I can't help but doubt my actions. I really hope that everything I'm choosing is God's will.

Anyway. So that's what's been going on with me.

s for all.