beckybooiloveu
Senior Veteran
wow... electroshock therapy... are you scared about that? i have always wondered how that works...
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Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)
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ugh
Hi everyone...I've gone for a few days from this thread (not from CF but from this thread - I couldn't get myself to come here - I don't know why, talk about zero motivation) and I feel as if I've lost track of what is going on with everyone here...I don't have the strength to read every word in every person's posts so I'll try to continue on from this point.
I just gathered that Soulwings is considering ECF, but that's all...
meantime I'm sitting here, way too full, when I shouldn't be this full. Guess whose fault THAT is...
Hi everyone...I've gone for a few days from this thread (not from CF but from this thread - I couldn't get myself to come here - I don't know why, talk about zero motivation) and I feel as if I've lost track of what is going on with everyone here...I don't have the strength to read every word in every person's posts so I'll try to continue on from this point.
I just gathered that Soulwings is considering ECF, but that's all...
meantime I'm sitting here, way too full, when I shouldn't be this full. Guess whose fault THAT is...
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- Jan 12, 2006
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Well lately I've been worried about falling back into my Anorexia, which has scared my boyfriend enough to threaten going to my parents. I don't know. I'm just felt so down lately. 
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sorry ive been away for a little while havent had a good time recently. i went a bit mad and went missing. i dont remeber what happened bu it resulted in me having to stay in hospital for a while without going out and being constantly watched.
my moods really really bad at the minute as is my ED and everything else i was going ok and doing well with things (ok not so well with my eating but i was trying) now its all just gone back down hill again. why cant things just stay going ok for a while!!!!!
hows everyone doing? ill try and catch up with things
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- Aug 23, 2007
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Hi everyone,
I haven't been feeling up to posting here
katey, it's good to see you're out of the hospital now.
I'm thinking of everyone else here too - beckyboo, Soulwings, Shannie, Katey, etc. and any newbies
I haven't been feeling up to posting here
katey, it's good to see you're out of the hospital now.
I'm thinking of everyone else here too - beckyboo, Soulwings, Shannie, Katey, etc. and any newbies
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Soulwings
A true original.
Sorry I've not been in here for a bit. Not felt up to posting here... don't know why. So much sadness, I guess.
...
Bec, to answer your question, yes, I am TERRIFIED... which is why I don't let myself think about it. ECT is my last resort to get out of depression... I opted not to take the tricyclic, and I'm really hoping that I did the right thing, made the right choice.
How are you doing, love?
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Lady Bug, sorry to hear that you're not doing that well... Have you ever tried doing yoga? because that can really help feeling depressed. Even just stretching helps a lot.
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Katey, sorry to hear that you're not doing well. Wish I had something more useful to say. Hang in there...
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Sacredsin (could you explain what your sn means?) I'm sorry to hear that you're doing poorly, but maybe your boyfriend going to your parents would be a good idea, if you're not already getting treatment? because EDs don't tend to go away on their own... they may seem to... but then they come back, as you are noticing. Therapy and perhaps even more intensive tx would be a good idea, if you're not already looking at doing that.
...
I'm not doing that great. Foodwise, well, I'm eating, but not a lot. I did some yoga today, but didn't really make up the calories expended. I don't want to... I weighed myself today and I weigh wayyy too much.
Depressionwise... sometimes it hits harder than others. I see my NP this weekend and she'll hopefully have more news about the ECT. I really hope she does...
I just want to get out of this... this funk. I hate myself so much.
...
Bec, to answer your question, yes, I am TERRIFIED... which is why I don't let myself think about it. ECT is my last resort to get out of depression... I opted not to take the tricyclic, and I'm really hoping that I did the right thing, made the right choice.
How are you doing, love?
...
Lady Bug, sorry to hear that you're not doing that well...
Have you ever tried doing yoga? because that can really help feeling depressed. Even just stretching helps a lot. ...
Katey, sorry to hear that you're not doing well.
Wish I had something more useful to say. Hang in there... ...
Sacredsin (could you explain what your sn means?)
I'm sorry to hear that you're doing poorly, but maybe your boyfriend going to your parents would be a good idea, if you're not already getting treatment? because EDs don't tend to go away on their own... they may seem to... but then they come back, as you are noticing. Therapy and perhaps even more intensive tx would be a good idea, if you're not already looking at doing that. ...
I'm not doing that great. Foodwise, well, I'm eating, but not a lot. I did some yoga today, but didn't really make up the calories expended. I don't want to... I weighed myself today and I weigh wayyy too much.
Depressionwise... sometimes it hits harder than others. I see my NP this weekend and she'll hopefully have more news about the ECT. I really hope she does...
I just want to get out of this... this funk. I hate myself so much.
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- Aug 23, 2007
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Hi Soulwings,
I'm apprehensive about yoga - not because of my stubbornness lol -
but even if I'm not incorporating any Eastern mysticism into the yoga practice, I'm very concerned that if I were to try yoga, the temptation to incorporate that will be strong. I have had spiritual warfare issues and right now I don't want to engage in anything that has remote ties to opening up a door to "the other side." I do understand though that one can do yoga just for the EXERCISE - spiritually, I'm very susceptible to temptation to get fascinated in a bad way with the occult and it scares me - Ok I KNOW you may think that's ridiculous...I hope you at least understand even if you don't agree
I'm apprehensive about yoga - not because of my stubbornness lol -
but even if I'm not incorporating any Eastern mysticism into the yoga practice, I'm very concerned that if I were to try yoga, the temptation to incorporate that will be strong. I have had spiritual warfare issues and right now I don't want to engage in anything that has remote ties to opening up a door to "the other side." I do understand though that one can do yoga just for the EXERCISE - spiritually, I'm very susceptible to temptation to get fascinated in a bad way with the occult and it scares me - Ok I KNOW you may think that's ridiculous...I hope you at least understand even if you don't agree
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- Jan 12, 2006
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Sacredsin (could you explain what your sn means?)
Oh man..I created my sn years ago in high school when I was a bit more angsty.
It basically means that I view as sacred what some would view as sinful, such as other religions and a whole range of things. I've just not come up with a better name which fits me to be honest.
As for therapy, I've been through that and don't want to do it again. It would feel like my recovery was all for nothing if that makes any sense..like I backslid and made no progress at all. Thanks for your concern.
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beckybooiloveu
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sorry ive been away for a little while havent had a good time recently. i went a bit mad and went missing. i dont remeber what happened bu it resulted in me having to stay in hospital for a while without going out and being constantly watched.
my moods really really bad at the minute as is my ED and everything else i was going ok and doing well with things (ok not so well with my eating but i was trying) now its all just gone back down hill again. why cant things just stay going ok for a while!!!!!
aww Katey *holds tight* im sorry things are so hard for you at the moment. Are you still in hospital or are you out now? I hope things start improving for you.
This i guess is relevent to everyone. But on my very first night at boarding school a wise lady (one of the boarding mistresses) sat us all down - a bunch of scared and frightened 12 yr olds and she drew a squiggly line on the white board. *wishes she could draw a sqiggly line in here*. And she said
"life is like a roller coaster. There are times when you are on top of the world, having the time or your life. But there are also times when you are down in the pit, when things just arent feeling too great. But the thing to remember when you are down in that pit is that you can only go up. And you may climb a long way up sometimes and other times only a little before you end up in the pit. But what you need to remember is that each time you climb up the slope, you get stronger. And even though you may be getting tired of going up and down, each climb gives you strength to make the next climb."
I hope that makes sense, because obviously i cant remember everything she said lol... i definately remember the sqiggly line and life is like a rollercoaster but the rest may be a variation on waht she said... but it is something that i have never forgotten and something that is alway in my mind.
And i think it is something we should all remember when we are feeling down. Just remember that we can only go up.
I haven't been feeling up to posting here
Im sorry you ahvent been feeling up to posting here... but when you are ready, just remember we will all be here waiting to support you when you need it. You too april.
I would be terrified too. But if it is something that could make a major difference to how you are feeling and to the rest of life i think it is definately worth the try. Keep us updated about it all.Sorry I've not been in here for a bit. Not felt up to posting here... don't know why. So much sadness, I guess.
...
Bec, to answer your question, yes, I am TERRIFIED... which is why I don't let myself think about it. ECT is my last resort to get out of depression... I opted not to take the tricyclic, and I'm really hoping that I did the right thing, made the right choice.
I'm not doing that great. Foodwise, well, I'm eating, but not a lot. I did some yoga today, but didn't really make up the calories expended. I don't want to... I weighed myself today and I weigh wayyy too much.
Depressionwise... sometimes it hits harder than others. I see my NP this weekend and she'll hopefully have more news about the ECT. I really hope she does...
I just want to get out of this... this funk. I hate myself so much.
*BIG BIG HUGS* I hope you start feeling a bit better soon.
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Soulwings
A true original.
Lady Bug, I understand what you mean, I do. I don't fully agree, because so many people do it just for the exercise and don't have an issue with the spiritual side of it, but since you're already having difficulty with spiritual things, then I would say don't go into an area where you could be tempted. The only thing tied in with yoga, though, is not the occult, per se... I don't really know how to describe it. It's more of a belief in the sacred energy of things... which, I suppose, actually could be something about the occult. I don't know. Now I'm confusing myself. But you could try just stretching. That exercises muscles even without doing yoga itself. And I could tell you some positions that strengthen different muscles in the body - that way you wouldn't have to read any books on yoga or go to any yoga class. Only if you want, though.
...
Bec, thanks so much for sharing the squiggly line. It makes a lot of sense and you're right, we've got to remember that when we're low, the only direction left for us to go is up.
...
I really hope that the ECT helps, too, Bec. I wrote a bit about it in the other thread, cos I forgot what thread I was writing in, haha. But in any case, I hope it kicks me out of this depression. I'm so sick of meds, I really am, which is why I didn't opt for Remeron (mirtazepine, I believe) - plus, Remeron has loads of side effects, and can be a really good means by which I could kill myself, if I got worse. So that would involve us getting a safety box and Jarrod giving me my daily dosages and then locking the pills back up... which would be a huge hassle. Ugh. In any case, I think ECT was the better choice and so do a lot of people that I talk with.
Eating is going okay. Struggling a bit with eating "real food" when Jarrod is away at work, usually just relying on nutrition/protein drinks (think store-brand Ensure). I like how they taste and it's an easy way to get enough calories for my meals, so why not?........ Jarrod's just not happy with how I'm getting to rely on them. He wants me to eat food that actually has substance, rather than just drinking something. But if it's Ensure or nothing, he'd choose Ensure. Heh.
s for all.
But you could try just stretching. That exercises muscles even without doing yoga itself. And I could tell you some positions that strengthen different muscles in the body - that way you wouldn't have to read any books on yoga or go to any yoga class. Only if you want, though....
Bec, thanks so much for sharing the squiggly line. It makes a lot of sense and you're right, we've got to remember that when we're low, the only direction left for us to go is up.
...
I really hope that the ECT helps, too, Bec. I wrote a bit about it in the other thread, cos I forgot what thread I was writing in, haha. But in any case, I hope it kicks me out of this depression. I'm so sick of meds, I really am, which is why I didn't opt for Remeron (mirtazepine, I believe) - plus, Remeron has loads of side effects, and can be a really good means by which I could kill myself, if I got worse. So that would involve us getting a safety box and Jarrod giving me my daily dosages and then locking the pills back up... which would be a huge hassle. Ugh. In any case, I think ECT was the better choice and so do a lot of people that I talk with.
Eating is going okay. Struggling a bit with eating "real food" when Jarrod is away at work, usually just relying on nutrition/protein drinks (think store-brand Ensure). I like how they taste and it's an easy way to get enough calories for my meals, so why not?........ Jarrod's just not happy with how I'm getting to rely on them. He wants me to eat food that actually has substance, rather than just drinking something. But if it's Ensure or nothing, he'd choose Ensure. Heh.
s for all.
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Shannie
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Hi girls,
I haven't been in here for too long!! I've been really busy at work and staying late and what not, so less time on here.
I hope you are all doing well. I can't go back and read everyone's posts right now, but I'm sending lots and lots of to all of you.
Also, on a happy note, I passed the exam I was stressing about a few weeks ago =) So I'm super excited, I was sooo worried I'd fail and have to rewrite. Plus it would be very embarrassing at work.
Hope you all have a great weekend!!
I haven't been in here for too long!! I've been really busy at work and staying late and what not, so less time on here.
I hope you are all doing well. I can't go back and read everyone's posts right now, but I'm sending lots and lots of
to all of you.Also, on a happy note, I passed the exam I was stressing about a few weeks ago =) So I'm super excited, I was sooo worried I'd fail and have to rewrite. Plus it would be very embarrassing at work.
Hope you all have a great weekend!!
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I hate it, i hate feeling like this i hate it being so up and down mainly down, majorly down. im trying so so so so hard to get my weight up and work on it n it just seems pointless because its not working im really really stuggling my weight is going up and i wish i could say it was staying the same but its not!!!!
please please please can someone explain why i have to keep trying. Everything just seems so pointless the help people are offering me just seems to hit this huge great big black wall!!!!!
sorry everyone not having a great night needed to just get that out somewhere thought here might be the best place.
hows everyone doing???
i hate it being so up and down mainly down, majorly down. im trying so so so so hard to get my weight up and work on it n it just seems pointless because its not working im really really stuggling my weight is going up and i wish i could say it was staying the same but its not!!!! please please please can someone explain why i have to keep trying. Everything just seems so pointless the help people are offering me just seems to hit this huge great big black wall!!!!!
sorry everyone not having a great night needed to just get that out somewhere thought here might be the best place.
hows everyone doing???
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*wanders in
Hi lovelies. It has been forever since I've been around. I don't think I know anyone in this thread any more, besides April and Becky. It is nice to meet all the rest of you--although I wish it were in a happier thread. s for everyone.
I am such a mess right now. I was doing well until I went home for Christmas break. And then I managed to make a mess of things. I destroyed my relationship with my mom. And then decided that the best way to deal was SI. And then I was so ashamed of/angry at myself for it that I had triggered myself again. And...well...the cycle began all over again.
yesterday, i was shopping with some friends...and I picked up some knives. And not bandages. which i happen to be out of. not smart.
tonight i was shaking to keep myself from grabbing a knife and running into the bathroom to cut.
And then my roommate left. And I grabbed the knife. but I don't have bandages, because I'm an idiot so I just wrapped bandanas around my arm.
what the h*** is wrong with me? i am so messed up.
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Katey, i know how you feel. no need to apologize for anything, babe. that is what this thread is for. I know it seems pointless, but I promise you it isn't. Try to keep struggling against this, please?
Shannie, I'm glad your exam went well.
April, ECT does sound like a better choice. I hope it helps. And I hope you can start to work your way to eating real food when Jarrod is away. But shakes are definitely better than nothing. You are strong--every time I talk to you (which is not nearly enough) I am so amazed by how hard you struggle and how far you have gotten. Keep moving forward.
s and love for you all.
Hi lovelies.
It has been forever since I've been around. I don't think I know anyone in this thread any more, besides April and Becky. It is nice to meet all the rest of you--although I wish it were in a happier thread. s for everyone.I am such a mess right now. I was doing well until I went home for Christmas break. And then I managed to make a mess of things. I destroyed my relationship with my mom. And then decided that the best way to deal was SI. And then I was so ashamed of/angry at myself for it that I had triggered myself again. And...well...the cycle began all over again.
yesterday, i was shopping with some friends...and I picked up some knives. And not bandages. which i happen to be out of. not smart.
tonight i was shaking to keep myself from grabbing a knife and running into the bathroom to cut.
And then my roommate left. And I grabbed the knife. but I don't have bandages, because I'm an idiot so I just wrapped bandanas around my arm.
what the h*** is wrong with me? i am so messed up.
--------
Katey, i know how you feel. no need to apologize for anything, babe. that is what this thread is for. I know it seems pointless, but I promise you it isn't. Try to keep struggling against this, please?
Shannie, I'm glad your exam went well.
April, ECT does sound like a better choice.
I hope it helps. And I hope you can start to work your way to eating real food when Jarrod is away. But shakes are definitely better than nothing. You are strong--every time I talk to you (which is not nearly enough) I am so amazed by how hard you struggle and how far you have gotten. Keep moving forward. s and love for you all.
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Soulwings
A true original.
Good nearly-afternoon everyone. 
...
Shannie, so good to see you. Glad to hear about the exam - I knew you could do it. With studying as hard as you were (even if it were just cramming ) I was pretty sure you'd be able to handle it. You're smart.
How are you doing otherwise??
...
Katey, I don't have the words right now, but know that I'm sending you hugs. Weight up is good, I think. You were at a low weight before, right? so gaining weight is a good thing, not a bad thing, even though it might feel that way.
Keep fighting, love. It's worth it, and will be worth it in the end.
...
Hands and Feet, good to see you again (although I forget your real name!!
It's been so long!!). Sorry to hear that things with SI haven't been good lately. Sounds like you're in a lot of pain... wish that I/we could do something to help you with that... I guess all we can do is offer support - and prayers - the most powerful way of helping of all, right?
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Bec, what's up, love?
...
I'm doing okay, I guess. Really tired all the time, still sleeping about ten hours a night plus another one to two during the day. No word yet on the ECT - I feel really out of the loop - I wish my NP actually would tell me more of what's going on!! if she even knows, that is. I hope she's not forgotten about me. I called her yesterday and left a message for her... so hopefully she'll get back to me soonish.
s to all.
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Shannie, so good to see you. Glad to hear about the exam - I knew you could do it.
With studying as hard as you were (even if it were just cramming ) I was pretty sure you'd be able to handle it. You're smart.How are you doing otherwise??
...
Katey, I don't have the words right now, but know that I'm sending you hugs. Weight up is good, I think. You were at a low weight before, right? so gaining weight is a good thing, not a bad thing, even though it might feel that way.
Keep fighting, love. It's worth it, and will be worth it in the end.
...
Hands and Feet, good to see you again (although I forget your real name!!
It's been so long!!). Sorry to hear that things with SI haven't been good lately. Sounds like you're in a lot of pain... wish that I/we could do something to help you with that... I guess all we can do is offer support - and prayers - the most powerful way of helping of all, right?...
Bec, what's up, love?
...
I'm doing okay, I guess. Really tired all the time, still sleeping about ten hours a night plus another one to two during the day. No word yet on the ECT - I feel really out of the loop - I wish my NP actually would tell me more of what's going on!! if she even knows, that is. I hope she's not forgotten about me. I called her yesterday and left a message for her... so hopefully she'll get back to me soonish.
s to all.
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beckybooiloveu
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im tired... too tired to keep going with everything... im just sick of it... everything. i HATE myself
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Soulwings
A true original.
Take a break, Bec, love. Try to take at least ten minutes out of your day just to relax. Even that should help. Find a good book to read (read any of Jodi Picoult's lately??). Take a bubble bath. Journal (if you journal). Just... try to take a breather. I'm sure you can spare ten minutes somewhere in your day, even if it's late. Trust me, you'll do a lot better at uni if you let yourself take that break, even when studying.
And you oughtn't hate yourself... you're lovely... but I know the feeling all too well, and I know that not much I say can change the feeling there.
...
I may hear back about ECT soon... I really hope so... I am so sick of waiting.
And you oughtn't hate yourself... you're lovely... but I know the feeling all too well, and I know that not much I say can change the feeling there.
...
I may hear back about ECT soon... I really hope so... I am so sick of waiting.
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- Aug 23, 2007
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hi guys...
I haven't been up to posting in this thread lately (not the thread's fault - it's me) - I hope you haven't all forgotten I was here
looks like people here are having difficult times too.
there was something I said awhile back in which it was stated that I had lost a few pounds but I gained it backit looks like I COULD be losing it again - so keep your fingers crossed. even if I lose those pounds that I gained back I still have a long way to go.
I think it's been kind of hard to post here because I tend to want to state my progress or lack thereof in the form of numbers because my posts talk about my weight and everything but numbers understandably trigger people and I know of all people what it's like to be triggered by a post or whatnot. I don't get triggered by numbers but I get triggered by other things.
I haven't been up to posting in this thread lately (not the thread's fault - it's me) - I hope you haven't all forgotten I was here
looks like people here are having difficult times too.
there was something I said awhile back in which it was stated that I had lost a few pounds but I gained it back
it looks like I COULD be losing it again - so keep your fingers crossed. even if I lose those pounds that I gained back I still have a long way to go. I think it's been kind of hard to post here because I tend to want to state my progress or lack thereof in the form of numbers because my posts talk about my weight and everything but numbers understandably trigger people and I know of all people what it's like to be triggered by a post or whatnot. I don't get triggered by numbers but I get triggered by other things.
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Soulwings
A true original.
Lady Bug Of course I/we remember you.
I hope that you lose the weight that you need to lose... but even if you don't, it's not the end of the world. It sucks to not be able to lose what you want/need to lose... but don't lose hope if you don't. Much, much easier said than done, I realize, though.
...
I have gained weight... and I'm dreading my N appt (next Wednesday). I haven't weighed myself much, since depending on where I weight myself in the kitchen (where my scale resides), there is a X.Xlb difference in weight... yeah. Don't really want to weigh myself on the side of the kitchen that says I weigh the heaviest, don't want to weigh myself on the side of the kitchen that says I weight the lightest... 'cause I don't know which to trust. In any case, the number is still really high. Jarrod thinks it's water retention, since it's that time of month, but still... ...my N will let me know, and I am really not looking forward to that burst of ugly reality. I know it's stress that caused the weight gain, if indeed there is some that is fat not water, which means I can lose it, but I've been yo-yo-ing back and forth since summer... losing here, gaining here, losing again, gaining again. I HATE IT!!!
Anyway. That's what's been going on with me in terms of ED stuff. I've been eating okay, though, thankfully.
Of course I/we remember you. I hope that you lose the weight that you need to lose... but even if you don't, it's not the end of the world. It sucks to not be able to lose what you want/need to lose... but don't lose hope if you don't. Much, much easier said than done, I realize, though.
...
I have gained weight... and I'm dreading my N appt (next Wednesday). I haven't weighed myself much, since depending on where I weight myself in the kitchen (where my scale resides), there is a X.Xlb difference in weight... yeah. Don't really want to weigh myself on the side of the kitchen that says I weigh the heaviest, don't want to weigh myself on the side of the kitchen that says I weight the lightest... 'cause I don't know which to trust. In any case, the number is still really high. Jarrod thinks it's water retention, since it's that time of month, but still...
...my N will let me know, and I am really not looking forward to that burst of ugly reality. I know it's stress that caused the weight gain, if indeed there is some that is fat not water, which means I can lose it, but I've been yo-yo-ing back and forth since summer... losing here, gaining here, losing again, gaining again. I HATE IT!!! Anyway. That's what's been going on with me in terms of ED stuff.
I've been eating okay, though, thankfully.
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