Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

[Soulwings]

Katey, love, I wish I could do more to help you, but I'll be praying. I'm so sorry that things are rough for you right now... this might sound silly, but I've just gotten into WoW (World of Warcraft) and it is a really good distraction... maybe if you've got the money you could try it out and see if you like it?? It's fantasy and very cathartic for me... never thought I'd get into it, used to be anti-WoW, but Jarrod plays it and has gotten me into it. I don't know, just an idea.

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Lady Bug, I hope that things went okay. I'm sorry that your anxiety is/was so high... it is so hard to deal with.

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Bec, Sarah, how are you two doing??

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I am struggling so much... I got up at six thirty and it is now nearly ten, and I've not had breakfast yet, and I don't want to. I'm so apathetic about it. I just don't care...

And I cut. It's pretty bad, stitches bad, but I'm not going to be going to get stitches, because it's a long drive and it'll be too late anyway, because it's not bleeding anymore and they need to get to it when it's still pretty fresh. So yeah. I don't know. I just don't care.

And I am such a lazy bum. I hate myself so much. I suck.

 

[Criada]

(((((((April))))))
You are an incredible woman, sweetie.
Your care and compassion for others even when you are feeling so bad yourself is very, very special.
If you can't get stitches, can you do a do-it yourself job with tape? Homemade 'butterflies' work fairly well.
Glad WoW is giving you a bit of a distraction.. try to eat something tho, sweetie.. I know it's hard, but, take care of yourself, please We love you!

I'm not in a good place... went back to SI two nights ago after twenty five years free of it... how stupid can you get?
Trying very hard to hold on and believe that this is all going to pass. God has a plan, somewhere... I just need to listen a bit harder, I guess.

Praying for all of you.

 

[katey]

April, Criade, everyone else sending you all loads and loads of hugs. thinking of you all.

I wish i could be more help but right now i'm not having a good time and i'm just waiting for a phone call from the crisis team to find ou what theyre wanting me to do, i think i'm going to be on a trip to to AnE department which am not looking forward to at all because it tends to lead in a hospital admission, or police become involve because i cant stay in AnE i get very agitated and the general staff arent that helpful with Mental Health patients. i'll try and come back if i have to go up and let you know. xx


Thankyou April my mate uses WoW think i tried it once couldnt really get into it, but i'm glad that your managing to distract yourself with it, thats a good thing. i hope your feeling a little bit better, and your cuts not too bad. Did you manage to dress it somehow??

Sarah how you doing? please dont be too hard on yourself about Si'ing the other day, i know its hard after not doing it for so long..... and i probably know that you know this but everyone has little blips. sending loads of hugs.


Bec, Lady bug how you doing???

 

[katey]

Well i managed to stay out of hospital last night but ive agreed to increased support from the crisis home treatment team for over the weekend and it will be reviewed on monday, with my CPN, Social worker, Psychologist, the crisis team and my psych doc. Todays not going too well though my best mate for some reason has been really funny with me since yesterday and today isnt talking to me.

ive felt really alone the past week or so and its just getting worse, and is doesnt matter if there people around that feeling of being alone is still there inside and its horrible. i hate it. ive got no one to turn to in RL and its so hard. You know when all you want to do is curl up and cry, hide away, yet you know that it will only add to how your feeling (the alone feeling) but yet you still do it. My ED is causing loadsof problem to, i'm feeling sick all the time i cant seem to eat anything. I'm just feeling myself slipping yet cant seem to grab a hold of it, thoughts of si'in are so strong aswell.

 

[Soulwings]

Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry to hear that. But as Katey said, we all have blips in the road... this is not a relapse, just a lapse. You can lift yourself out of it again with God's help. It will pass.

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Katey, I'm sorry that things are so very rough right now... but as I said to Sarah, things will pass. You'll get better. It will take time, and effort, and patience... but you will make it. I forget, are you in therapy? because that may be a very good thing to invest in. If you are and it's not helping, maybe think about switching to a different T.

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I will be praying for both of you. s

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I have a song that I want to share with you all. It's on Superchick's new cd and it's one of my favorites on there. The lyrics are a bit long but I think that they are meaningful since we all seem to be struggling here.

"Hold" - Superchick

Tell me that it's gonna be okay
tell me that You'll help me find my way
tell me You can see the light of dawn is breaking
tell me that it's gonna be alright
tell me that You'll help me fight this fight
tell me that You won't leave me alone in this

'Cause I need, I need a hand to hold
to hold me from the edge
the edge I'm sliding over slow
'Cause I need, I need Your hand to hold
to hold me from the edge
the edge I'm sliding past - hold on to me

Tell me I can make it through this day
I don't even have the words to pray
You have been the only One who never left me
help me find the way through all my fears
help me see the light through all my tears
help me see that I am not alone in this

'Cause I need, I need a hand to hold
to hold me from the edge
the edge I'm sliding over slow
'Cause I need, I need Your hand to hold
to hold me from the edge
the edge I'm sliding past - hold on to me.

God is there. He has been there, is there, will always be there. And He knows exactly how to help you the best, better than any professional here on this earth.

 

[beckybooiloveu]

Those are great lyrics april... very appropriate!

*big hugs* for everyone... I dont have time to reply to all the posts but just wanted to let you know that I have been popping in every couple of days to read and have been thinking about you all alot and praying for you.

I dont think I am going to be around much this semester because I am snowed under more than ever... especially from next week onwards... because i will have five+ rowing trainings a week to attend because i am the coordinator again this yr, a three hour choir rehearsal weekly, two+ band rehearsals (im playing the bass guitar again... so will ahve to learn again... ) a week, twenty + hours of work a week, fifteen + CONTACT hours of uni (plus private study), two-three meetings a week and one-two social events that i have to attend weekly as photographer...

Im not sure how im going to handle that because I am already quite ill... my friend just drugged me up because i have had a migraine all day and have had a fever for a couple of days... hopefully ill be abit better by next week...

 

[Soulwings]

Oh Bec sweetie... you are overdoing it with all of your activities, per usual. Is there any way, any way at all that you can cut down on some of them?? I wish I could come over there and give you a ginormous hug... or that Arnold could... or something like that. I'll be praying for you, love. Things will be okay... just please try and take care of yourself, okay? Love you, sis.

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I'm doing "ehh." I've eaten enough so far today, which is good, but I'm trying not to SI. And I am exhausted. I "slept in" this morning until six thirty (instead of getting up around five which I normally would), and have taken two+ naps since then. It is really sad, me getting up at six thirty and then lying down around eight fifteen and napping for an hour, and then again at nine forty-five for another hour, and lying down some in between with my eyes shut, just not all the way napping. I really hope that I'm okay because I've been sleeping so much lately and have been so exhausted. It seemed to really hit two days ago, and I've been having trouble staying awake since then.

I have my second therapy appt of the week tomorrow... I'm supposed to do some homework for it, write down what makes me hate myself and then write down on the opposite side of the paper what the real April is like, not just the diagnoses (bipolar, anxiety disorder NOS, EDNOS-R) and things that have happened to me (like ECT, hospitalization, sexual molestation). So that's going to be kind of tough, because my T said that the list of things that make up the "real" April has to be longer than the list of "bad" things. So I should get started on that soon to make sure that I actually get it done. Blahhh.

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"Crawl [carry me through]" - Superchick

How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend, but don't break
Somehow I'll get through
Cause I have You

And if I had to crawl
Well You'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is You see me through

O Lord, where are You?
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can You not see my tears

When all have left me
And hope has disappeared
You'll find me here

 

[katey]

hving a real pants day today really really struggling atthe minute, and feeling very very alone. had a therapy sessions today, n hes good i like himk but today i just fell apart i can normally hold it together and yeah i cry when get home coz i hate crying in front of people, but not during my session. my t sed to me, you dont like crying in front of people do you??? n i just sed nope. Told him that i just feel like i want everything to go away, i dont want to remeber things anymore i dont want to have to feel in control i dont want all this i just wanna be me, but then i dont know what me is!!!!!! sorry im just rambling and ranting on at the minute and its not getting me n e where but hey im getting it out i suppose.



Hows everyone else doing,

Sorry im not very good at giving advice at the minute but im thinking of you all xxxx

 

[Soulwings]

Katey, so glad to hear that you have a T now with whom you get along. Hopefully he'll help you a lot. And crying in session, well, that would be scary for me too but maybe it's a good thing?? I don't know. I'm glad that you posted, just to get it out... it sounds like you may be making some progress and struggling with the same things that I am - trying to figure out who the "real" me is, vs. the me that's been here for the past five years. s to you.

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I'm having a really, really rough night too. It's just... I saw some slightly built girls at the laundromat, and they were right in front of me, and I couldn't help but glance at them and do the compare snare that I get so stuck in... it's so hard. Jarrod told me to "stop doing that" like it's that simple... I couldn't ask for a more supportive husband, I really couldn't, but he has no idea what this is like (or maybe he does, and could just snap out of it like he could when he got depressed years ago, I don't know). It's so hard!!!! and I don't know how to handle this. I would call my T but I don't want to be hanging on her for support all the time... I see her tomorrow morning anyway... maybe we'll talk about all of this then, maybe not. Right now I really want to cut, though, but can't 'cause Jarrod's home. Maybe tomorrow morning. But maybe tomorrow I'll feel better...

I asked myself a really stupid question at the laundromat while journaling... can you still have an eating disorder even though you're eating properly? and the answer is of course yes. At least, that's what I think. Because EDs are so much more than just food. They're about self hate mostly, and man am I full of that!! I don't know how to stop, either... it's been a part of me for as long as I can remember. Jarrod says I need to pull it out and fight it... but I don't know how to do that. I can't combat the bad thoughts, the ones like "I'm fat" (because to me, I am), "I'm worthless" (to me, I am), "I'm ugly" (to me, I am).......... the list goes on.

And everything that happened to me is my fault. Everything. Sexual molestation (I was targettable [is that a word??] for something I did or said), self hate, anxiety, ED, SI, suicidal ideation, suicide attempts.... the whole works. It's all my fault. No one else played into it except with the molestations and those were still my fault in the end.

I wish I could cry but I am too... something, numb maybe, I don't know. But I feel like crying........

 

[katey]

Ive been seeing my T for a bit but theres been a few trust issues with it, coz trusts a huge thing for me to start with. I dont know wot it is, i just know that i'm struggling the trying to find me bit ive been struggling with in general for a little while anyway. i think its hard coz put so many faces on for different people/places its hard to know which ones actually me!

I've been having a lot of flashbacks and nightmares (when im managing to actually sleep that is) recently and theyve been bringing a lot of memories up, and its just adding to how ive been feeling.

My ED thoughts are really bad at the minute, i dont know if its just because im feeling very low anyway and its just adding to it all or if theres something else going on alongisde it, but im strongly feeling like pullling away from the helps thats there at the minute ( not good thing i know but its feeling good.)
Aswell as Ed thoughts my SI thoughts are a mess, very very strong last night i couldnt resist them so not only are the thoughts a mess, my arm is now



Bec, April how you both doing

And Thankyou for those lyrics April x

hows everyone else doing, Sarah, Ladybug xx

 

[Criada]

((((((((katey)))))))) I am sorry it's so hard sweetie. I know flashbacks are scary... and I think nightmares are worse, because being afraid to sleep leaves you washed out and feeling unable to cope. I'm praying, sis... God is holding you.
The verse that really helps me at the moment is:

Deuteronomy 33:27
The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.

So many times people say that God has His arms around me.. but this verse tells me that no matter how much I fall, His arms are under me.. ready to catch me when I fall. I don't always feel that.. but I know it's true. And at the moment I'm falling a lot, in so many ways.
Love you, sweetie, and praying for you.

((((((((April))))))) I know it doesn't help to tell you that you aren't to blamef... however much you 'know' that intellectually, it still feels as though it is all your fault.
It's funny.. I can't cry most of the time, but with my therapist, it's about all I do! Whatever we start talking about, we seem to en up with me in incoherent floods. Maybe it will get better.
It's ok to 'hang on' to your therapist if that feels safe, dear one. You need the support, and if that is where you find it, it is fine!
Praying

 

[katey]

Being afriad to sleep is horrible, i hate it, it sounds stupid but while the abuse was going on sleep was partly my refuge i didnt have the nightmares while it was happening. But within four days of me disclosing it the nightmares and flashbacks started, i thought id manage to get them under control a little ways of coping with them so that i could just about get on with my day to day things. but its not workng.

Thankyou sarah




I know that feeling of blaming yourself Apil, as much as we 'know it wasnt our fault' it stills feels like it was and its like nothing that anyone says or does changed that feeling.

 

[Lady Bug]

hi you guys, sorry I'm incredibly behind on following your situations.

I feel at total rock bottom...too much to explain

 

[katey]

Ladybug thinking of you x

 

[Lady Bug]

thank you katey

gosh I wish I knew how to tell you to be able to sleep without the fear of nightmares...I feel speechless and helpless at the same time.

katey since your icon is Catholic, do you mind if I find you this special bedtime prayer for you (I know the prayer in particular)? I know where to find it, but it's nighttime here and I know that the prayer can be from a scary (but reliable) site, but I would like to give it to you when it's daytime here...creepy I know, but I don't like reading spiritual warfare sites at night...eeeeek

I won't give the site if you don't want but I can find the prayer. Maybe you can say it every night or something before you go to bed. If you don't want it, that's ok, I'm trying to help lol.

soulwings, I don't know why I didn't know you were sexually abused...or maybe I forgot or something

you guys have dealt with more than I can imagine.

 

[katey]

Thankyou, Yeah please that would be helpful i can tyr the prayer at least see if it works. x

 

[Lady Bug]

Thankyou, Yeah please that would be helpful i can tyr the prayer at least see if it works. x

ok
here is the prayer, you can do it everyday if you'd like...I hope your nightmares don't get worse after this

this prayer is specifically for you katey because some Christians don't pray these kinds of prayers...but please I don't wanna start anything with anyone here LOL, I'm merely giving this prayer to katey:

Bedtime Protection Prayer
In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, strengthened by the intercession of the Immaculate Virgin Mary, Mother of God, of Blessed Michael the Archangel, of the Blessed Apostles Peter and Paul, and all the Saints and Angels of Heaven, and powerful in the holy authority of the name His Name, I subject my mind and my dreams only to the work of the Holy Spirit. I ask you Lord to bind up all powers of darkness and forbid them to work in my dreams or any part of my subconscious while I sleep. Amen.

 

[katey]

Thanks Ladybug, ive had that prayer prayed with me before my a mentor and someone else. thankyou again.



hope everyones ok x

 

[beckybooiloveu]

*cries* someone please just shoot me

 

[katey]

Bec, Whats wrong hun x

Hows everyone xx