ARGH! I just want to scream... I'm only writing here in an attempt to not cut... This week has been intense, but it's all in my head, as circumstances haven't changed at all, and it's driving me nuts, so I'm just gonna vent, so ignore me while I regale what's going on...
My counselling session on Monday was full-on, but in some ways it was positive and a bit of a break through. And yet, it has left me feeling so vulnerable, exposed, and just a little overwhelmed. Ever since, whenever I stop for more that a minute or two, I nearly start crying.
Now, my counsellor is great, and for the last few weeks, she has asked me to text her every few days to let know how I'm going etc... so, anyway... Since Monday, I haven't sent her any messages, cause I don't want to admit that I'm not coping this week (yeah, I know it doesn't make sense!)
On the way home from work this evening, I was having an argument with myself as to if I should text, and how much would be ok to say... Just before I get home, I get a message from my counsellor:
"Hi. How r u going this week."
(I got so annoyed! How unreasonable!)
My response and the following 'conversation' (of course, it sux because I have chosen to be honest with anything I say to her):
"Why did you have to message?! I've been working hard to convince myself I'm ok, but i'm not really, and since I don't want to lie to you, I have to admit it! Argh! Anyway, I'll be fine... Thanks."
"
U have been in my thinking. Remember its ok to admit u r not so ok. Take care of yourself"
"Thanks. but if i admit to myself i'm not ok, i will do something that's not helpful cause I don't know how else to make it go away. So I have to be ok, see? I don't have any days off until Wed, so at least that keeps me mostly safe for about eleven hours each day. I do appreciate your thoughts... just wish I was more positive tonight, sorry."
"
Rather have honesty, than pretend."
now see, here's where I just prove how stupid I really am... just by sending those txts, I end up stuffing up anyway... purged the dinner I had managed to eat, and now am here just so I don't punish myself for that...

when does this get easier/better?!? I sometimes seriously have to question if all the fight is really worth it...
Anyway, I shouldn't bother you guys with my messed up mind... just desperately trying to stop tonight from going from bad to worse...
Hope you guys are honestly looking after yourselves.
Love & prayers,
xoxo