Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (2)

[xMMKayx3]

edit.

 

[bumblebee62331]

April do you find a food/exercise diary helps you? The doctor suggested I keep one (ages ago) and I told my boyfriend and he said the doctor was stupid and I wasn't allowed to keep one because I find it really triggering.

 

[Soulwings]

I really don't know if it helps me. It's just ... I don't know. A few weeks ago I think it would've been. Finding out my weight and finding out the exact amount of calories I'm eating definitely was. But now I don't really care enough to be triggered, if that makes any sense?? I just ... don't care. I don't feel like I have an ED, I don't feel like I've ever had an ED ... and what does it really matter?

Darn. I'm getting to that time of night again where everything is apathetic.

I feel freaking bipolar.

 

[bumblebee62331]

April honey I'm sorry if I'm making it worse. It's good that it doesn't trigger you! It means APRIL is thinking and APRIL is there, not your illness. Well, it's still there but it's not getting dibs on first thought in your mind.

 

[Soulwings]

Kate. You didn't make it worse, not at all. It's just nighttime and so I'm in a bad place. It's normal. Don't pay any heed, it'll all be okay in the morning.



Yeah, I know it's good that it's not triggering now. But you know, I kind of wish that it would, because it would show that there's still feeling in me? I don't know if that makes any sense. The way I am right now, I'm just so tired of caring about my weight and my fatness and my meal plan. So very very tired. I just don't care anymore. At least, that's what I'll say tonight. Tomorrow I might very well care.

That's why I said I feel bipolar. I have nasty mood crashes at night.

Welcome to April's REAL world.

 

[bumblebee62331]

Oh April there's still feeling in you! You have love for your fiance, you have love for your friends, you have sadness, you have frustration, you have tiredness .... you have feeling! You feel!

 

[Soulwings]

I guess so. Sometimes it's like I'm full of too many feelings, though ... and when I feel like that, they're all negative ... or if they're positive, then I know I'm going to crash within the next hour. So isn't it easier/better just to be numb and apathetic?

I don't know.

 

[bumblebee62331]

I know how you feel.
It isn't better to be numb. It reminds me of that quote:

It's better to have loved and lost, than never have loved at all

I'd rather have wonderful feelings then crash than to always be numb and never experience those amazing feelings we can experience like love, friendship, happiness, excitement etc.

 

[Quiddler]

I know what Soulwings is talking about, regarding the crashes, though. And it feels like there is nothing - nothing in the world - that is worth those crashes. And dreading them is even worse, because you know that they're there lurking around the corner, so you can't experience the fullness of whatever good emotion you're experiencing. You've always got that threat in the background of a crash that will bring you to borderline suicidality. And you're never sure if you're going to be strong enough to resist the urge to off yourself at the lowest end of the crash.

I think that being numb sounds much more attractive.

 

[bumblebee62331]

Quiddler if you feel that way then you need help, you need to tell someone or go to someone who can help you. If you are feeling good then crashing so far that you feel suicidal, you need to go to a doctor because there's something wrong. Medication might be needed or more counselling.

 

[Quiddler]

It hasn't been that bad for a few months. But I do often get to the point of such apathy that offing myself doesn't sound like a terrible idea. I just don't have the energy to do it. I'm already on meds for this - quite a high dose - and there's really nothing else that can be done, other than wait it out. In the long term, I mean.

In the short term, well, there's also nothing that can be done. Just put up with the crash and the tumultuous feelings that come with it. And know that you're going to feel better later. And know also that you're going to feel worse again. It just goes and goes and keeps going like that.

And I'm serious when I say that there's nothing that can be done. I've talked with my psych. I've talked with my nutritionist. I've talked with my therapist. And nothing's helped. This has been going on for nearly a year now.

 

[bumblebee62331]

Quiddler when you are struggling, please konw that you can talk to me on here or on msn. I am here for you. I will wake up at 3am in the morning to talk to you if it will help you. I love you. I cry when I hear the pain in your posts. Please allow me to help you.

 

[Soulwings]

/me peeks in.

How is everyone doing this morning?

I gave up on the whole trying to think about thinking about being apathetic last night, and just went to bed. Hehe. I actually slept too - a good eleven and a half hours.

I'm sure that tonight will be just as bad though.

 

[Arianna]

Hi

How are you at the moment Quiddler? and Kate?

Ooh New Year's resolutions. Are there any that you can share? I've made a few resolutions and they're actually working this year ... and for the first time in years, "to lose weight" has NOT been a goal. And that was actually not done on purpose. It just happened that way. The others mainly deal with doing devotionals and focusing more on God rather than negative stuff.

oh dear, you posted this so long ago! I guess one of my resolutions should have been to reply more quickly to things!
My resolutions are similar to yours ... they are not going that great...yet ...but, i figure, it is something to work on throughout the year, rather than something to achieve on the first day of the year!

I also resolve to be more time efficient....for example, now I should be organising things, not posting.

/me peeks in.

How is everyone doing this morning?

I gave up on the whole trying to think about thinking about being apathetic last night, and just went to bed. Hehe. I actually slept too - a good eleven and a half hours.

I'm sure that tonight will be just as bad though.

Is there something different you could do in the evenings April ..... Mb if you could shake your day up so your evenings are different it would help you to feel different...? (....This would only count, I suppose, if you find yourself in the same situation each evening. If each evening you actually take on a different extreme sport, then.... )

did that make any sense? I sometimes worry that no one can understand anyting I write.....Like..if you don't know exactly waht I mean before you read it, it doesn't make any sense.

 

[Soulwings]

It made perfect sense, Ari. What you say always makes sense. Over break, I do pretty much the same thing all day, with a few variations - stay at home, write letters/in journals, walk, & come online. Sometimes we go out for errands, but that's about it. I don't know what I can do different during the day though, because I don't have a car and even if I did I couldn't drive as I've not got my license. But I'll see if I can do something interesting today. Maybe that'll help the apathy and crashiness of nighttime. Thanks!

And good New Year's resolutions. They are hard to stick to ... I've had a spot of trouble myself. Bleh. Another one is to start a morning yoga routine. After I get the book, because I forget the postures. Hehe.

 

[Quiddler]

Umm... this might sound really weird...

...but does anyone who is trying to be in recovery feel jealous of the girls/women who are still in their ED and aren't getting help/don't want help??

:-S

 

[beckybooiloveu]

i think i would be jealous. But dont let the jealousy take over your recovery. you are doing so well even if it doesnt feel like it... just being in recovery and trying to recover is a big thing...

 

[mpshiel]

Sorry to break in, I was wondering if anyone had experienced what is referred to as the female athlete triad? It is a form of ED that shows up in high performance althletes. And to make a long story short - I thought 4 years ago I had left anorexia for good, started doing one sport seriously to improve my "body image", went to nationals, and then started having this issue of the triad (disordered eating, menstrual dysfunction and osteoporosis) which became problematic when I passed out twice in training a couple weeks ago. I determined to "take charge" and lead a healthy life - today I looked back and assessed and found I was in a worse position than before. I can't tell my coach (actually his response when I collapsed was to make sure a higher ranking athlete immediately jumped on the equipment I had fallen from to continue training). I've told my partner. Not sure really what to do now?

The problem is that for the last several weeks I honestly thought I was dealing with the problem and eating/exercising correctly when the looking at the stats has proved entirely the opposite meaning that the behavior patterns and distorted viewpoint was in control, not me - weird - never had it happen where what I was doing was the opposite of what I thought I was doing.

I guess I will have to tell my doctor - one paper I've read in a journal says that the solution is "Exercise activity should be decreased by 10 to 20 percent, and weight should be monitored closely for two to three months" - which, should be doable I guess, since after the two competitions this weekend, I have a couple months until the western championships. I dunno - any suggestions on this - I am fairly disturbed, honestly.

Quiddler: as for being jealous, that is something I have always battled - even when I know that the person is destroying themselves, it is hard not to go, "yeah but they're size ## now." to myself

 

[beckybooiloveu]

Sorry to break in, I was wondering if anyone had experienced what is referred to as the female athlete triad? It is a form of ED that shows up in high performance althletes. And to make a long story short - I thought 4 years ago I had left anorexia for good, started doing one sport seriously to improve my "body image", went to nationals, and then started having this issue of the triad (disordered eating, menstrual dysfunction and osteoporosis) which became problematic when I passed out twice in training a couple weeks ago. I determined to "take charge" and lead a healthy life - today I looked back and assessed and found I was in a worse position than before. I can't tell my coach (actually his response when I collapsed was to make sure a higher ranking athlete immediately jumped on the equipment I had fallen from to continue training). I've told my partner. Not sure really what to do now?

The problem is that for the last several weeks I honestly thought I was dealing with the problem and eating/exercising correctly when the looking at the stats has proved entirely the opposite meaning that the behavior patterns and distorted viewpoint was in control, not me - weird - never had it happen where what I was doing was the opposite of what I thought I was doing.

I guess I will have to tell my doctor - one paper I've read in a journal says that the solution is "Exercise activity should be decreased by 10 to 20 percent, and weight should be monitored closely for two to three months" - which, should be doable I guess, since after the two competitions this weekend, I have a couple months until the western championships. I dunno - any suggestions on this - I am fairly disturbed, honestly.

Quiddler: as for being jealous, that is something I have always battled - even when I know that the person is destroying themselves, it is hard not to go, "yeah but they're size ## now." to myself

Welcome to the thread!!!
sorry, i have to say i havent experienced that or even heard of it...
its sounds like you have a pretty good attitude about it though and how to handle and deal with it to make things better. going to the doctor sounds like a good idea, its good that you realise that you need to do that.
Im praying for you! keep posting in here! let us know how things are going...
Love Bec

 

[Soulwings]

Mpshiel, I've got a good friend who has female athlete triad. I myself have never experienced it, but from what she says, it's pretty awful. Her coach was very demanding too, always telling the girls on her team (cross-country) to lose more weight, etc. - seems like coaches aren't exactly the most understanding of people.

But anyway, yes, I have heard of it. Take care of yourself in those few months before the western championships - I doubt that you'll be fully recovered or whatever (not to be a downer, just stating truth ) but you will be on your way to being there.

I know probably none of that was helpful ... but know that I read and care. If you need to talk, know that I or any of the other girls here are always available.