Struggling with doubts

[HeatherG]

As many of you know my OCD has been in remission for over a year. However, every now and then, maybe once a year, I will get some doubt come in my mind about my faith that just floors me like a ton of bricks. It has happened again over Christmas and I would really appreciate your prayers. I have been over all the reasons I believe about a million times already over my life, but suddenly some question will come that plunges me into darkness again. I have been worrying about 2 things:

1. If God loves the world so much, why does He make it so that only a relative few people can be saved?

2. In the Old Testament, God is always talking about how He is the only God and we should worship only Him, right? So how come suddenly Jesus comes on the scene and we can worship Him too? I do know that He is God, I understand the theology but some doubt in my mind is questioning if the whole thing about Jesus being God is just made up by man because we think we are so special that we are making a God out of ourselves, mankind, instead of worshipping the true God. I do still believe, I just have a terror of spending my life doing something that is displeasing to God, i.e. concentrating on Jesus instead of Him.

It's difficult to explain how at the same time as having these doubts I do still believe and trust in Jesus. I really do not want to think these things and I feel exhausted at the thought of having to work through these kinds of issues again. I'm not sure if it's even OCD, but I suspect it is by the way it crept up on me and filled me with that fear and despair. After all, it is called the doubting disease. This is not the first time this kind of doubt has come during holidays as well. I remember one particularly bad Easter when I felt like I was in a pit, struggling with doubts. But I did come out of that one so that gives me hope. I just hate it when it happens.

I hope no one has been triggered by my questions. I'm sure I will get out of this. I just need the prayers of my OCD buddies.

Thanks!

Heather

 

[PARCmd]

1. If God loves the world so much, why does He make it so that only a relative few people can be saved?

ANSWER: God did not made it to be that way. Itis the people who make their hearts harden enough so they would not care for the Holy Spirit (similar case to the Pharisees).

2. In the Old Testament, God is always talking about how He is the only God and we should worship only Him, right? So how come suddenly Jesus comes on the scene and we can worship Him too? I do know that He is God, I understand the theology but some doubt in my mind is questioning if the whole thing about Jesus being God is just made up by man because we think we are so special that we are making a God out of ourselves, mankind, instead of worshipping the true God. I do still believe, I just have a terror of spending my life doing something that is displeasing to God, i.e. concentrating on Jesus instead of Him.

ANSWER: Are you a Jew before? If so, it is quite understandable that you have sme doubts regarding Jesus Christ as the true Messiah. If you have otherwise grown up in a Christian home, it should come to you normally that God is One God with Three Persons - The Father, who is Yahweh/Jehovah, the Son, who is Yeshuah/Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

 

[BeccaLynn]

Heather G,

I know it can be confusing, even for those without ocd. I guess that's why Jesus said we are to come to Him with the faith of a child. A child is typically very trusting, unless they have been taught otherwise, even though they may ask a ton of questions. My pastor from years back explained the trinity to me in a way I could relate. I'll tell it like this: I am one person. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, etc. However, I am still just one person. There is only one God, God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, yet He is still one God. I would also like to share a play I saw once that made an impact on me. You may have heard the story yourself. Once, there was an elderly man who wasn't a Christian.. One morning he noticed some little birds outside in the cold winter. They were huddled together, and he was sure that it was harder for them to find food in the winter. He took some birdseed outside and scattered it on the ground, making a trail to his barn. He knew they would have shelter there from the cold wind and they could eat the birdseed inside. But, they were afraid of him and flew away. The man was very sad because he knew that they would never come down while he was there, and that they couldn't understand that he only wanted to help them. He thought, "If only I were a bird and could tell them so they could understand what my intentions are." At that moment, the church bells rang. The man fell to the ground on his knees. He realized that this is what God did for us. We are often too fearful to come to Him, not understanding His intentions, so God the Son came in human form, a form we could understand, speaking in words we could understand, to tell us God's intentions. This story speaks volumes to me. I hope it helps.

Rebecca

 

[marcb]

Hi Heather G,

Doubts are normal and Holidays can be triggers. I think it's because we put pressure on ourselves to really "feel" the importance of the Holiday.

Time magazine had a very interesting article about Mother Teresa, a woman of great faith. Under it all, she had doubts and inner struggles that remind me of us. Her doubts and struggles began with her mission and she lived with these for 50+ years. I am thinking about picking up her book, which includes many of her writings to her confidants. It seems that many people considered to be spiritual giants, have a deep brokenness inside. In a way, it's encouraging that we have good company...

 

[HeatherG]

Thanks for your support, guys. Rebecca, I really like the story about the birds. That does make sense.

It's not that I don't understand about the trinity (at least as much as it can be understood). I have been believing it for years, it's just that this thought suddenly came in my head that supposing it's not true after all and we were worshipping Jesus by mistake instead of worshipping God. Not that I really believe we are making a mistake. I guess it's kind of like checking my faith, as we OCD-ers tend to do. I've been looking around the gospels at what Jesus said, to check whether He at any time was leading people away from God. Of course, He wasn't! In so much of what He did, He gave the glory to God and taught people how to draw closer to God in a way that would have had no real benefit to Him if He had just been some phoney guy trying to get attention. But then you guys knew that already. It was just some weird thing that was bothering me. I feel ashamed for checking really.

Equally, I feel ashamed for questioning God's judgement over how many people will be saved. Do I think I know better than God? Do I even know the number who will be saved? I think I'll just leave those kind of decisions to Him.

What I have learnt from these doubting experiences is that they very often come after a time of spiritual growth, which has been the case for me. I'm sure it's a kind of spiritual battle which is why I have learnt to ask for prayer from others as it is such a powerful weapon. Satan knows my area of weakness so well - doubts. Fortunately, God knows me even better!

Please keep the prayers coming as I still don't quite feel right. I keep worrying about silly things as I used to in my bad OCD days and I still feel far from God. I just feel that OCD is crouching at the door.

Thanks.

Heather

 

[gracealone]

HI Heather,
OCD tries to get us back into the same old themes most especially during stress filled times - even good stress can exacerbate it or bring on a mini flare.
I suspect that from your posts you have already partially or mostly understood the answers to your questions about the Trinity and the doctrines of election. One thing that is helpful to me when trying to fully grasp everything about God is that in doing so I am asking for something that is quite impossible for me as I haven't the capacity for it. I cannot ever have exhaustive knowledge about God because He is infinite in all ways and I am in a finite state. If I could plunge the depths of the mysteries of God I would have to say one of these two things - that either He is not God or that I am god.. and those are things I cannot say. So it's good to realize that we will always have some unanswered questions - but it's also good to know that God has supplied sufficient answers concerning Himself and sufficient evidence for us to be able to choose to believe in Him and to trust that He loves us. To quote F. Schaffer - "He is there and He is not silent."
Now, having said all that - yes.. I agree that this an OCD episode. Here are the clues. 1. Is it linked in anyway with instense anxiety or guilt? 2. Is it prompting you to seek just one more reassurance? 3. Has it reared it's head during a vunerable period of stess? 4. When you start to look for answers to appease it do you spiral deeper and deeper into it - do these activity make you actually feel worse?
If yes..then it's best to not do it's bidding and practice exposure/response. Don't chase those thoughts around or they'll double back on you and make you miserable.
In my own experience with OCD, when it's active I feel anxious if any sincere type of question about the grounds of my belief in Christ pops up... and suddenly I start to think that one... maybe I'm not a Christian after all or two... maybe this means I'll become an atheist.
If my OCD isn't active I can consider many types of questions and study to understand them in such a way that I can give a reasoned answer to them. I'll bet this has been a similar experience with you also.
Also the anxiety makes it very difficult to have clarity of thought. It sort of creates a mental fogginess that only makes the doubts seem all the more valid.
I'm praying for you. Ride it out... and you'll be fine.
Mitzi

 

[HeatherG]

Thanks for your prayers, Mitzi. They really mean a lot.

Yes, you are right. If we knew all the answers, we would be God. We just need to trust.

God bless,
Heather

 

[OptimisticSmile]

Marc B
that is so true about the Holidays leading to spikes. My major spike hit me on easter sunday. I think every easter I have a bit of a spike.

 

[QUannie]

HeatherG,
I'm so sorry for your struggle! I prayed for you!!!
I hate when that happens, it really is so hard to get on top of the rolling ball!!!
Bless you,

Q