Starting to resent my husband

[dallasapple]

UGH!!! I'm surprised that he didn't than turn the situation around and try to blame you for not bringing your child to the ER sooner!!!

Well thats teh thing..I ALREADY have my OWN doubts..liek I was thinking "I just took him to the docotor yesterday" ..and by the way I was only still about 24 25 at the time.And maybe I AM "over reacting".Now I would have had him in the emergency room hours sooner..anyway ..I NEEDED him to say "look..you woudl know better than me so whatever YOU decide im right there with you ..and besides we shoudl WEIGH on the side of CAUTION"..

I certainly shouldnt have had to have been AFRAID that if they said ..nope the child is still sick ..but hes not in need of any additional treamtments other than whats being done"..Like I would have gotten the SEE I told you so ...you just arent 'satisfied" until you make a big deal out of nothing..and now we have this emergency room bill on TOP of everything else!

Ya knwo liek 'there better rreally be soemthign wrong with him"..

Anyway the point is he was NOT on "my side" even over something that was MY "area" of expertise..similar to your software..you KNOW what you need to do the best job on that...in my case Im the "nanny" LOL!..Im the one that has a mind to understand childhood illnesses adn WHEN to seek medical advice..So you can imagine when its somethign thats a "no brainer'..like washing clothes..that I apparrently "ruined the clothes" ..Like Im just a bumbling idiot...Even thouhg he "treated me like a princess" at the SAME time..thats when the confusion sets in with the "Mr.Nice Guy"..the Nice Guy who TEARS you down in ways that peopel dont see or get..and its a constant "slow drip" of this stuff over the years that will wear you down to nothing..While they give you choclolate and flowers.."help out around the house" tell you your hot and grab your rear end and pursue you constantly for sex..Thats all people see and they are like "aww..hes SOO sweet..you dont deserve him" or I WISH my husband was like that!...I just say whatever...

Dallas

 

[LinkH]

designer_mom,

Blaming you for his not getting everything done may be inappropriate. I guess I can relate. I've gone through busy times in my life where it always seemed like my wife was asking me to do this or that. Even asking me to watch the kids to go shopping when I have projects I need to be in the office to work on (like now) can be frustrating. But the household needs the stuff she buys, so I know better than to blame her for not getting certain things done on the schedule I had in mind. Surprise appointments and things like that are frustrating especially when you have multiple appointments in a week. I also know what it is like when I'm pressed for time, and my wife says, "I miss you, let's talk" and it's hard to enjoy it if you have a lot on your mind that you have to do. Having an argument when you are living like that feels like a colossal waste of time.

Btw, do you ever think you might blame your husband for things that aren't really his fault?

Having a new baby can take up a lot of time, and you are probably both tired and need time to unwind. He may be taking those few hours to unwind after all the work and home obligations instead of fixing the boards on the deck. He may be a bit overwhelmed himself, especially if, when he gets home, his interactions with you are often a bit stressful as you share with him the stress you are under or put demands on his time.

My guess is that while he needs to step up and finish the project to a point where it is safe and take care of the transportation issues, he probably does not have some kind of plan in mind to keep you a prisoner in your own home. He probably doesn't have an evil plan to make you feel crazy or drive you insane either. from your posts, it seems like you are stressed out. My guess is the way he talked to you that made you feel like he thought you were crazy was because you seem stressed out to him when he talks to you. He could have also been trying to make up with you before you left, and so turned into the 'nice guy' husband as he was leaving.

If I were you, the issue I would point out is not that he is making you feel like a prisoner, but that you need to be able to leave the house quickly and safely and have transportation if the baby got sick or his/her life were in danger. If you could point out how it is much more difficult for you to leave the house than it is for him to do so, especially with the baby. You could demonstrate by dropping a bundle of blankets that look like a baby through the gap as you come to greet him at the door one day when he comes home. [Followed by a blood curling scream. Okay, just kidding. That's probably a bit extreme.]

As a believer, it is really important not to have unforgiveness or bitterness toward your husband.

 

[dallasapple]

Even asking me to watch the kids to go shopping when I have projects I need to be in the office to work on (like now) can be frustrating. But

You mean your wife has to ask you to watch your own kids?You are doing HER a favor to watch yoru own children?Hmm...So Im assuming when she watches them you ask her to and shes doing you the favor?

Dallas

 

[designer mom]

designer_mom,

Blaming you for his not getting everything done may be inappropriate. I guess I can relate. I've gone through busy times in my life where it always seemed like my wife was asking me to do this or that. Even asking me to watch the kids to go shopping when I have projects I need to be in the office to work on (like now) can be frustrating. But the household needs the stuff she buys, so I know better than to blame her for not getting certain things done on the schedule I had in mind. Surprise appointments and things like that are frustrating especially when you have multiple appointments in a week. I also know what it is like when I'm pressed for time, and my wife says, "I miss you, let's talk" and it's hard to enjoy it if you have a lot on your mind that you have to do. Having an argument when you are living like that feels like a colossal waste of time.

Btw, do you ever think you might blame your husband for things that aren't really his fault?

Having a new baby can take up a lot of time, and you are probably both tired and need time to unwind. He may be taking those few hours to unwind after all the work and home obligations instead of fixing the boards on the deck. He may be a bit overwhelmed himself, especially if, when he gets home, his interactions with you are often a bit stressful as you share with him the stress you are under or put demands on his time.

My guess is that while he needs to step up and finish the project to a point where it is safe and take care of the transportation issues, he probably does not have some kind of plan in mind to keep you a prisoner in your own home. He probably doesn't have an evil plan to make you feel crazy or drive you insane either. from your posts, it seems like you are stressed out. My guess is the way he talked to you that made you feel like he thought you were crazy was because you seem stressed out to him when he talks to you. He could have also been trying to make up with you before you left, and so turned into the 'nice guy' husband as he was leaving.

If I were you, the issue I would point out is not that he is making you feel like a prisoner, but that you need to be able to leave the house quickly and safely and have transportation if the baby got sick or his/her life were in danger. If you could point out how it is much more difficult for you to leave the house than it is for him to do so, especially with the baby. You could demonstrate by dropping a bundle of blankets that look like a baby through the gap as you come to greet him at the door one day when he comes home. [Followed by a blood curling scream. Okay, just kidding. That's probably a bit extreme.]

As a believer, it is really important not to have unforgiveness or bitterness toward your husband.

No. What you're saying here doesn't fit. What you've been saying all along doesn't fit. What the women who live with passive-aggressive men are saying DOES fit. My husband fits the profile of a passive-aggressive man, and I fit the profile of an emotionally abused wife. You clearly have no concept of what I'm going through, and think that whatever you've experienced in your own home (with a non passive-aggressive spouse) is somehow applicable. I do appreciate you taking the time to try to gently help me to see the "error of my ways", but I really don't understand why other people on here can clearly see that I'm not the [main] problem, and you can't. They lessen my anxiety, and give me a sense of hope while your words make my anxiety shoot through the roof and make me feel like I'm a paranoid nutcase.

 

[JaneFW]

How did the counseling go?

 

[designer mom]

How did the counseling go?

Good, I think? She asked a bunch of questions, I gave a bunch of answers. At the end of the session, she said that she needs to see me again but that she's going on vacation next week, and that was pretty much it. I asked her what I should do and she said she has to "evaluate her notes" first. I kinda feel like she left me hanging, but I'm not sure if that's how the first session is "supposed" to go or not.

 

[JaneFW]

Blaming you for his not getting everything done may be inappropriate. I guess I can relate. I've gone through busy times in my life where it always seemed like my wife was asking me to do this or that. Even asking me to watch the kids to go shopping when I have projects I need to be in the office to work on (like now) can be frustrating. But the household needs the stuff she buys, so I know better than to blame her for not getting certain things done on the schedule I had in mind. Surprise appointments and things like that are frustrating especially when you have multiple appointments in a week. I also know what it is like when I'm pressed for time, and my wife says, "I miss you, let's talk" and it's hard to enjoy it if you have a lot on your mind that you have to do. Having an argument when you are living like that feels like a colossal waste of time.

Can you read her post again? She didn't ask him to do anything. She had no appointments for him. She didn't ask him to "babysit" their kid - and tbh, that is just so the wrong way to talk about caring for your OWN child/ren. He came home. He was the one with the project to do - which he had talked about doing - and he then told her that he couldn't do it because he "feels" that he has to look after the child so that she can do something else. What exactly was she doing to take up his time? She was looking after their child, trying to work from home, keeping the house clean. Exactly how was she preventing him from doing his project again? The project he did for 45 minutes before he came back into the house to check what she was doing?

I have to say this again - when they are YOUR kids, you are NOT "minding them" for your WIFE'S benefit. They are your JOINT responsibility. Parents DO NOT "babysit" their own kids. It's your responsibility for having those kids.

I hate it when parents say that. Huh.

Be careful Link - that attitude about not wanting to "mind" your kids because there is stuff to do in the office - they get that. They may be young, but they know when a parent isn't "there" emotionally even when they are there physically. I'm a product of the emotionally absent father. You don't want your daughters to grow up like me. LOL.

 

[JaneFW]

Good, I think? She asked a bunch of questions, I gave a bunch of answers. At the end of the session, she said that she needs to see me again but that she's going on vacation next week, and that was pretty much it. I asked her what I should do and she said she has to "evaluate her notes" first. I kinda feel like she left me hanging, but I'm not sure if that's how the first session is "supposed" to go or not.

Yeah, I don't think she will have a ton of thoughts immediately. She may well need to go away and think about it. Is this a Christian counselor? I'm sure she will seek prayer also. I hope that it helped you to talk it out.

 

[designer mom]

Yeah, I don't think she will have a ton of thoughts immediately. She may well need to go away and think about it. Is this a Christian counselor? I'm sure she will seek prayer also. I hope that it helped you to talk it out.

Yeah, she is a Christian. I wasn't entirely surprised by the way that it went, and it did feel good to talk about it. Even though I'm feeling like I want immediate answers, my rational side prefers that she takes the time to think it over. I went and got a hair cut afterwards, since it's been WAY too long. I realized that I really haven't been taking care of myself very well, so I figured that was a good place to start. That was a literal weight off of my shoulders (it was getting long)

 

[JaneFW]

Yeah, she is a Christian. I wasn't entirely surprised by the way that it went, and it did feel good to talk about it. Even though I'm feeling like I want immediate answers, my rational side prefers that she takes the time to think it over. I went and got a hair cut afterwards, since it's been WAY too long. I realized that I really haven't been taking care of myself very well, so I figured that was a good place to start. That was a literal weight off of my shoulders (it was getting long)

Awesome. They may be baby steps, but they are positive steps. You know, not taking care of yourself could stem from depression. I know you feel like your mental health is good, but you can have mild depression and not know about it. My experience with depression is that your hair and appearance can just vanish from importance. I'm glad you felt it was productive. And yes, patience is a virtue ... spoken by the least patient person ever. LOL.

 

[designer mom]

Awesome. They may be baby steps, but they are positive steps. You know, not taking care of yourself could stem from depression. I know you feel like your mental health is good, but you can have mild depression and not know about it. My experience with depression is that your hair and appearance can just vanish from importance. I'm glad you felt it was productive. And yes, patience is a virtue ... spoken by the least patient person ever. LOL.

Thanks, I think that you might be right about the depression. I find that I haven't been eating, even when I'm hungry. I lost a few pounds actually (I'm super skinny already so this is not the blessing that some might consider it to be). I just haven't "felt" like eating, which has never ever happened to me before in my life.

 

[LinkH]

I have to say this again - when they are YOUR kids, you are NOT "minding them" for your WIFE'S benefit. They are your JOINT responsibility. Parents DO NOT "babysit" their own kids. It's your responsibility for having those kids.

I hate it when parents say that. Huh.

Be careful Link - that attitude about not wanting to "mind" your kids because there is stuff to do in the office - they get that. They may be young, but they know when a parent isn't "there" emotionally even when they are there physically. I'm a product of the emotionally absent father. You don't want your daughters to grow up like me. LOL.

I try to spend time with my kids and connect with them. I don't think I am 'baby sitting'.


I find it frustrating to stay home during office my hours, from 7:30 AM to about 3:15 PM. She had an event to shop for today, and finished about the time the kids got off school. My wife just came home, so now I go to the office, and the big kids are home from school, and I don't get to spend time with them. I'd rather be home when they are all home together, not just the little ones.

I've got to go to the office now and get my work done for tomorrow.

 

[LinkH]

You mean your wife has to ask you to watch your own kids?You are doing HER a favor to watch yoru own children?Hmm...So Im assuming when she watches them you ask her to and shes doing you the favor?

Don't put words in my mouth. I don't like staying home during office hours. My point was I could choose to get frustrated and find an excuse to blame my wife if I wanted to, especially since today's shopping took so long. Blaming someone isn't always reasonable. But it is one thing some people do with their frustration.

 

[dallasapple]

Don't put words in my mouth. I don't like staying home during office hours. My point was I could choose to get frustrated and find an excuse to blame my wife if I wanted to, especially since today's shopping took so long. Blaming someone isn't always reasonable. But it is one thing some people do with their frustration.

O.K sure..I thought you said you watched the kids for your wife..

Even asking me to watch the kids to go shopping when I have projects

sorry sounds like you were doing HER a favor..sorry...

Dallas

 

[LinkH]

I usually go drop the bigger kids off at school in the morning while she stays with the youngest two. Today, she dropped the kids off, got a haircut and shopped all day, and picked up the kids while I watched the little ones. So I had to work until night while the big kids were home. She's on the committee for an event and had to do some of the shopping.

 

[designer mom]

So last night, I confronted my husband about some information that he was with holding from me. First he told me that he forgot. When I suggested that he was lying, he blamed me for his poor memory. He then proceeded to blame a conversation that we had last week, and than blame the flowers that he bought me a few days ago. When I told him that he was blaming me/things to avoid taking responsibility for his actions, he blamed it on the fact that he "doesn't know when he's lying" because he "can't differentiate between his perception of things and reality".

If this isn't passive-aggressive behavior, than I'm just completely misunderstanding the disorder. At the very least, I know I have a BIG PROBLEM on my hands, and what I'm dealing with here is becoming crystal clear.

 

[JaneFW]

So last night, I confronted my husband about some information that he was with holding from me. First he told me that he forgot. When I suggested that he was lying, he blamed me for his poor memory. He then proceeded to blame a conversation that we had last week, and than blame the flowers that he bought me a few days ago. When I told him that he was blaming me/things to avoid taking responsibility for his actions, he blamed it on the fact that he "doesn't know when he's lying" because he "can't differentiate between his perception of things and reality".

If this isn't passive-aggressive behavior, than I'm just completely misunderstanding the disorder. At the very least, I know I have a BIG PROBLEM on my hands, and what I'm dealing with here is becoming crystal clear.

That's quite a scary statement. You were right to call it, because he obviously had a massive case of "IWM" (it wasn't me) going on, and you put the responsibility back where it belonged - on him. Did he seem concerned by that statement? Was he worried that he can't differentiate between perception and reality? I am starting to think that he's the one needs the shrink.

 

[designer mom]

That's quite a scary statement. You were right to call it, because he obviously had a massive case of "IWM" (it wasn't me) going on, and you put the responsibility back where it belonged - on him. Did he seem concerned by that statement? Was he worried that he can't differentiate between perception and reality? I am starting to think that he's the one needs the shrink.

He said it in a "poor me" kind of a way. I've seen him cry, only to find out that he was being insincere, so even if he did seem worried, it wouldn't mean that he actually was worried.

 

[JaneFW]

He said it in a "poor me" kind of a way. I've seen him cry, only to find out that he was being insincere, so even if he did seem worried, it wouldn't mean that he actually was worried.

I really think he has a problem. Have you ever looked into Asperger's? Does any of that seem to fit his behavior?

The lack of demonstrated empathy is possibly the most dysfunctional aspect of Asperger syndrome.[2] Individuals with AS experience difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include a failure to develop friendships or to seek shared enjoyments or achievements with others (for example, showing others objects of interest), a lack of social or emotional reciprocity, and impaired nonverbal behaviors in areas such as eye contact, facial expression, posture, and gesture.[1]

from Wikipedia

 

[mkgal1]

There's another common thought belief that P/A's hold to---the "I can't help it" belief. That seems to be the last resort, when there's nothing else left to blame.

If you get the chance....it would be helpful for you to write things down---keeping a journal of these conversations and interactions.....especially since history is often denied.