Starting to resent my husband

[designer mom]

I really think he has a problem. Have you ever looked into Asperger's? Does any of that seem to fit his behavior?



from Wikipedia

I think he has a problem too, not so sure about Aspergers though.

I'm pretty sure that he has empathy. I asked him a couple of months ago if he is able to understand what I am feeling by my actions. I gave an example of me pacing back and forth across the room rubbing my forehead, and he told me that he knows that would indicate that I'm expressing anxious feelings. I asked him if he would ever wonder if maybe I had a headache or something if I was doing that, and he said no, he would understand clearly what was going on.

Also, while he's not a social butterfly, before he met me he did have friends. He had friends from high school that he was in touch with, friends from college as well as friends from Church. I don't think that he was ever particularly close to any of these people, but he does seem to understand human interaction. The first thing we ever *connected* over after we met was some photographs he took that he was showing me. He does fine with eye contact and appropriate gestures (when he's not behaving funny because he's nervous). When you first meet him, he seems like he's a little shy, but he comes off as being your average Joe for the most part. I even get the impression that people at work are trying to become his friend because one of his co-workers invited us over for lunch once, and they feel free to call him on his cell phone on the weekend and what not. Even our neighbor seems very drawn to him.

It's when a relationship gets below the surface subjects of the weather and cars, etc. that things start getting weird.

 

[dallasapple]

Designer Mom did you glean anything out of your appointment yesterday or do you not want to talk about it?

Oh adn I TOTALLY get that with the surface conversation ..my husband will talk 100 miles an hour about anything like the weather.helpful information like computers and electronics..whre to get the "best deal" on anything...or OTHER people (gossip) he LOVES to gossip but its not ever on the side of "I feel bad for them" its always more liek a lynch mob party ..but when it comes to talking about anything deeper and especially anything regarding HIS behaviors..his childhood something more personal he switches the subject ..deflects ..walks off..does the IWM(it wasnt me) etc...

Dallas

 

[designer mom]

Designer Mom did you glean anything out of your appointment yesterday or do you not want to talk about it?

I don't mind talking about it, but there isn't that much to talk about yet. I pretty much just explained the stuff we've been talking about here, she asked me a bunch of questions, I answered them, than she said that she needs more information and time to think her notes over. She's going on vacation, so I have to wait a couple of weeks for my next appointment.

She was really nice, and I was surprised to find how easily I was able to open up. I came prepared with notes because I was expecting to have a difficult time expressing myself, but I didn't need them, so I guess it went well.

Thanks for asking

 

[designer mom]

Oh, by the way, I bought that book "Living with the passive aggressive man"...I'm only a few pages in and I can already tell that it's going to help tremendously.

 

[mkgal1]

I'm glad . One thing I think is sort of a blurry line to me is how that author describes it as "anger" as the motivator........yet, Lundy describes the motivation behind it as their belief system. I tend to believe it's more of a belief system, but I guess it can be either one....depending on the person.

 

[Romanseight2005]

I'm glad . One thing I think is sort of a blurry line to me is how that author describes it as "anger" as the motivator........yet, Lundy describes the motivation behind it as their belief system. I tend to believe it's more of a belief system, but I guess it can be either one....depending on the person.

Yes, Lundy gets more specific. He says that the value system actually CAUSES the anger to begin with. So the root cause of the anger is a sense of entitlement. For instance, he might feel entitled to have a woman cater to him, with no needs of her own. Even if he would never admit that out loud to you, they may well be part of his value system.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Designer Mom

You have probably already done this but I would like to remind you to think of how you can change so things are better for you. This reminder is NOT suggesting that you are the sole problem or the major problem. I am not addressing who is at fault.

It may very well be that your husband is not going to change much no matter what you do. Even if he does change it may not be enough to keep your marriage from being in long term emotional turmoil.

IMO your best plan would be for to you to build yourself up especially emotionally/spiritually. I do not think that you can do enough to change your husband to any great degree. However, you can do a lot to change you. I am sure you know this but maybe a reminder will help.

On the other hand, perhaps you and your husband will be one of the exceptions and bring your marriage back to a much higher satisfaction level than it is right now. If that occurs everybody will have a win win win.

By building YOURSELF up you will be better equipped no matter which way the situation turns out. I know it is a great temptation to try and bring about BIG permanent changes in him but in what you described it seems that your husband is going to be the one that will ultimately have to face his situation and do something significant about it. He will probably need help but it won’t be you unless God sets everything up for you to be the one. JMO

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

Hope things work out well for you, OP. Your husband sounds like a downright frustrating person to live with.

 

[designer mom]

Designer Mom

You have probably already done this but I would like to remind you to think of how you can change so things are better for you. This reminder is NOT suggesting that you are the sole problem or the major problem. I am not addressing who is at fault.

It may very well be that your husband is not going to change much no matter what you do. Even if he does change it may not be enough to keep your marriage from being in long term emotional turmoil.

IMO your best plan would be for to you to build yourself up especially emotionally/spiritually. I do not think that you can do enough to change your husband to any great degree. However, you can do a lot to change you. I am sure you know this but maybe a reminder will help.

On the other hand, perhaps you and your husband will be one of the exceptions and bring your marriage back to a much higher satisfaction level than it is right now. If that occurs everybody will have a win win win.

By building YOURSELF up you will be better equipped no matter which way the situation turns out. I know it is a great temptation to try and bring about BIG permanent changes in him but in what you described it seems that your husband is going to be the one that will ultimately have to face his situation and do something significant about it. He will probably need help but it won’t be you unless God sets everything up for you to be the one. JMO

Thanks, I am starting to make efforts to get my own life back. I'm learning that there is actually a term for what I've been doing - "co-dependency". This is where a person will place the value of a relationship above their own value. I've been so wrapped up in trying to make my marriage what it ought to be, that I couldn't see that there really isn't anything that I can do about it if my husband isn't interested in the same goal. I guess with a passive-aggressive man though, this would be hard to see, being that he would always seem to be totally on board with whatever plan I came up with, but I now understand that he was full of bologna the whole time.

 

[designer mom]

Hope things work out well for you, OP. Your husband sounds like a downright frustrating person to live with.

Thank you, it's been so incredibly helpful to be in touch with people on the forum here who can help me to see what's been going on. Knowing is half the battle!

 

[Angeldove97]

This thread will be going through a thread clean up and will closed until the clean up has been completed.

If you see that any of your posts in this thread are missing, please be aware that it was due to the thread clean up.

Thanks for your patience

UPDATE @ 2:11pm~ Thread is now re-opened.

 

[designer mom]

Well, my husband just felt the need to drop a confessional bomb on me...he told me that he's been letting me believe since our first date that he shares my dream of becoming a full time over seas missionary, when he was in fact lying the whole time. He told me that he let me marry him believing this lie of a shared future vision, while the only thing he's actually interested in his his career in engineering. He also told me that he's been punishing me by forcing me to live isolated from friends and family in a place that I hate while he furthers his career here.

Alright, now WHO'S GOING TO TELL ME THAT I'M THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM HERE???????????

Oh, and PS he locked himself in the car an hour ago.

 

[JaneFW]

I would be very careful about what is going on. Is there another male, that you can trust, that can come over and talk to him right now? A pastor or someone like that? I don't like the way this all sounds. Praying for you.

 

[dallasapple]

Well, my husband just felt the need to drop a confessional bomb on me...he told me that he's been letting me believe since our first date that he shares my dream of becoming a full time over seas missionary, when he was in fact lying the whole time. He told me that he let me marry him believing this lie of a shared future vision, while the only thing he's actually interested in his his career in engineering. He also told me that he's been punishing me by forcing me to live isolated from friends and family in a place that I hate while he furthers his career here.

Alright, now WHO'S GOING TO TELL ME THAT I'M THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM HERE???????????

Oh, and PS he locked himself in the car an hour ago.

(((HUGS))))

Among other things..first what is he "punishing" you for?How does that relate to him lying about the shared vision of becoming missionarries..or does it?

Dallas

 

[designer mom]

I would be very careful about what is going on. Is there another male, that you can trust, that can come over and talk to him right now? A pastor or someone like that? I don't like the way this all sounds. Praying for you.

Thank you, I don't know what to do and to be honest I feel pretty afraid at the moment.

I don't know anyone here, I've been so isolated since we moved in. I'm considering packing up the baby and driving to my parents house an hour away. I'm trying to call them but they won't answer the phone.

My husband is now mowing the lawn like nothing happened. I think he's afraid to come inside, which is fine, I don't really want him inside right now.

 

[Angeldove97]

I would be very careful about what is going on. Is there another male, that you can trust, that can come over and talk to him right now? A pastor or someone like that? I don't like the way this all sounds. Praying for you.

I think this is great advice!

 

[Angeldove97]

I don't know anyone here, I've been so isolated since we moved in. I'm considering packing up the baby and driving to my parents house an hour away. I'm trying to call them but they won't answer the phone.

Perhaps some time apart would be helpful-- you clearly don't sound like you feel safe where you are for yourself or your baby.

 

[JaneFW]

Yeah, I would pack up the baby and quietly head out. You can always call him later. If your parents aren't at home, can you get into their house, or into the house of a friend or family member? I don't like the way it has escalated. No, I'm not a counselor, but it just sounds even weirder right now and the fact that you are scared is definitely something you should act upon.

 

[dallasapple]

My husband is now mowing the lawn like nothing happened.

This doesnt surprise me one bit..It wouldnt surprise me even if he tried to deny he even said the things he did either..or if he completely minimizes it..(becasue you are crazy remember?)

But if you think you need to leave I would go with your gut..unless you think your parents are out of town it really doesn mattter if they arent home right now does it?

Dallas

 

[designer mom]

(((HUGS))))

Among other things..first what is he "punishing" you for?How does that relate to him lying about the shared vision of becoming missionarries..or does it?

Dallas

Thanks....well, when we first got married, we mutually (I thought) agreed that he would move in with me. This meant moving away from his parents. Apparently he objected to this, but did it anyway, while letting me believe it was what he wanted. Then he got a job an hour away from where we were living in a place that I didn't really want to live, but I agreed anyway because it was such a good career opportunity for him. I've hated being here since day one and it's been ruining my life. Whenever I try to talk to him about this, he gives me the silent treatment. It turns out that he's purposely ignoring my pleads to consider transferring to another city to punish me for "making" him leave his family.

I suspect this is somehow related to my dreams of becoming an overseas missionary because it relates to moving, and him feeling pressured to move or something. He went on a missions trip once before I met him, which helped me to buy into the idea that he shared this mutual future vision.

He said that not working with me towards this goal, and that he's purposely not helping me work towards it, because he never wanted it in the first place.

I feel like I threw my life away. I was planning on joining the peace corps...and then I met my husband and suddenly my plans changed, and 5 years later, I'm imprisoned in the middle of nowhere with no real purpose in life other than to serve his needs.