Starting to resent my husband

LinkH · Apr 25, 2012

JaneFW said:
But you told the OP that she just has to "learn to accept" their marriage problems. Why is it that you and your wife don't have to accept it, but she does?

Where did I say that? What was the context? Accepting your spouse is different from accepting problems.

She needs to be able to deal with things emotionally no matter how her husband is or what he does.

LinkH · Apr 25, 2012

JaneFW said:
No you don't have to "learn" to live with these things. You can find help so that you and your spouse can have a better marriage. Why wouldn't someone with a passive/aggressive nature not want to change? Oh, yeah, I forgot .. it's good to suffer. Not.

Have you noted the frequent complaints on here that words get twisted around. That's not what I said. What I said, and you quoted before this was,

she still needs to learn to have an accepting, loving attitude toward him, and to learn to deal with her stress and emotions in a healthy way and get past some of the things she has been feeling--without depending on what her husband is like to do it.

Her emotional and spiritual health should not be dependent on whether her husband is passive/aggressive or clingy.

As for whether suffering is good-- God certainly can use it for good. But that is something for a theology forum, not for this discussion. That was not what I was saying.

designer mom · Apr 25, 2012

LinkH said:
She needs to be able to deal with things emotionally no matter how her husband is or what he does.

Yes, and this is why I made an appointment to see a psychologist tomorrow.

LinkH · Apr 25, 2012

Is there any chance your husband could join you to see a counselor?

JaneFW · Apr 25, 2012

LinkH said:
Have you noted the frequent complaints on here that words get twisted around. That's not what I said. What I said, and you quoted before this was,

You said she should learn to be accepting - that's the same darn thing. You don't learn to be accepting of wrongful behavior that is damaging to the marriage.

and what you said here:

Her emotional and spiritual health should not be dependent on whether her husband is passive/aggressive or clingy.

I said that to her on page 1 and she accepted that only she could control her own self esteem, and that she wanted to do that.

Like she said, she's already set up some counseling. SHE is doing what she should do to help the situation, Link, she already has it figured out.

dallasapple · Apr 25, 2012

designer mom said:
Yes, and this is why I made an appointment to see a psychologist tomorrow.

(((HUGS)))

Dallas

dallasapple · Apr 25, 2012

Where did I say that? What was the context? Accepting your spouse is different from accepting problems.

I disagree..if your spouse is causing many problems that are serious...it is NOT different..if they have NO PLANS of changing ..It woud be NICE if I could go out and rob a bank tmorrow and tell the judge..well judge yes those were my ACTIONS...but it wasnt "me"..just my actions..so Its not the same thing..please only judge my ACTIONS but see ME as separate..who would pay the consequences ?Who woud they make pay the money back ?I know..the 'actions" but definately NOT ME!...ME...isnt my actions ..Im waitign for someone to tell me how to get a hold of an action ..but leave the person that committed the action out of it ...crickets chirping..

Dallas

designer mom · Apr 26, 2012

dallasapple said:
Well for what its worth ..Im without a doubt sure it was definately something that could have lifted you up in a big time way if your husbadn said it to you ..but I for one am impressed..I've never attempted to cut anything with a power saw..a HACK saw ..I hack down the banana plant every fall so it will come back in the spring ...LOL!!

Lol thanks

designer mom · Apr 26, 2012

dallasapple said:
I agree too..my husband will also say "your "always mad at someone"..But as to the "why should he share his feelings"?NO why shoudl she SHARE hers if the "goal" is goignto be to FIND a way to make her the wrong one and side with someone else EVERY time?

My husband is always saying "you're always upset about something". He said it again last night, and I was confused because this never used to be the case, and I said "that's not entirely accurate" and he reached into a drawer, pulled out the plastic wrap and started talking about the details of the packaging.

He was trying to blame me over dinner for him not getting anything done (all of the projects that he committed to and walked away from). He said it was because I "have a bad day every day" and he wants to come right home and take care of the baby for me so that I can take a bath or something. (leaving out the fact that the baby is asleep for 3 hours before my husband goes to bed every night, freeing up his time)

I did not know what to say because I couldn't put my finger on what was going on. I just felt suspicious and confused and he kept distracting me. All I came up with was "it's normal and healthy for men to have time to themselves after work, I think you should go outside and work on the deck", he looked at me with puppy dog eyes and asked me if I was absolutely sure? I was thinking "sure? sure of what? That I can handle it? handle WHAT?"

At the end of this scenario, I felt weak and helpless and like I have the nicest most caring and attentive husband who is so willing to take care of me in my fragile state of mental health. He's so sweet and caring that he puts his entire life on the back burner, including all of the projects that he's trying to get to, in order to nurse poor old me back to health.

He went outside for 45 minutes (there was still hours before the sun set), before he came back in the house to see what I was "up to" on the computer and ask if I was "doing my work" or not. He came up to my desk and took a peek at what I was doing, and declared that the way to accomplish his project is to do it in "small increments", with no logic behind that other than he's lazy.

I should mention that this deck project that he committed to involves flipping and sanding all of the deck boards. He flipped the boards surrounding the door and stairs so that NO ONE can get into the house safely. So, for anyone who thinks I should invite some acquaintances over from church...it's literally impossible because they cannot get into the house. It's dangerous to walk on the deck, even more dangerous to take the baby out of the house on it (my husband is not oblivious to this fact).

Before this deck project, my car died, and my husband kept telling me that he was going to "save thousands of dollars" at a car auction that was in a couple of months, if I could just hold off and be stuffed into the house for the time being. So I did, because who wouldn't agree to save thousands? The auction came, he went, and didn't buy anything. Then he procrastinated for another month or two on that project, keeping me literally held captive in the house for 10 hours a day while he had the car at work.

So, from January to a few weeks ago, I had no transportation, than as soon as I got a car I was barricaded into the house having to choose between putting my baby in a dangerous situation to leave, or rotting inside with him for 50+ hours a week. I cannot invite people over because it's DANGEROUS for them to get into the house. I don't know them, what if they fell through the deck and sued us? Aside from that, I don't want my new acquaintances getting hurt, obviously.

If you mentioned these things to him, he would say that I'm NUTS and that it's an elaborate fabrication that I made up in my mind, and that it's just a coincidence that these things are making me feel like a prisoner.

designer mom · Apr 26, 2012

LinkH said:
Is there any chance your husband could join you to see a counselor?

He says he would, and I know that he'll sit there and tell the psychologist that he's going to do everything he can to change, and than go home and not do a thing. I know this because he tells me over and over and over that he's going to do things, has me convinced from here to mars that he's being sincere, and than just doesn't do it. If I ask him, he says he forgot, or misunderstood, or gives me the silent treatment. In other words, he'll look me square in the eyes, and not say a word, and this could go on for hours. He could stare me in the eyes for hours and not speak.

tannicv2 · Apr 26, 2012

What I'm getting out of this thread is the husband isn't living up to the wife's expectations or he isn't changing in ways that she think he should be changing.

JaneFW · Apr 26, 2012

designer mom said:
My husband is always saying "you're always upset about something". He said it again last night, and I was confused because this never used to be the case, and I said "that's not entirely accurate" and he reached into a drawer, pulled out the plastic wrap and started talking about the details of the packaging.

He was trying to blame me over dinner for him not getting anything done (all of the projects that he committed to and walked away from). He said it was because I "have a bad day every day" and he wants to come right home and take care of the baby for me so that I can take a bath or something. (leaving out the fact that the baby is asleep for 3 hours before my husband goes to bed every night, freeing up his time)

I did not know what to say because I couldn't put my finger on what was going on. I just felt suspicious and confused and he kept distracting me. All I came up with was "it's normal and healthy for men to have time to themselves after work, I think you should go outside and work on the deck", he looked at me with puppy dog eyes and asked me if I was absolutely sure? I was thinking "sure? sure of what? That I can handle it? handle WHAT?"

At the end of this scenario, I felt weak and helpless and like I have the nicest most caring and attentive husband who is so willing to take care of me in my fragile state of mental health. He's so sweet and caring that he puts his entire life on the back burner, including all of the projects that he's trying to get to, in order to nurse poor old me back to health.

He went outside for 45 minutes (there was still hours before the sun set), before he came back in the house to see what I was "up to" on the computer and ask if I was "doing my work" or not. He came up to my desk and took a peek at what I was doing, and declared that the way to accomplish his project is to do it in "small increments", with no logic behind that other than he's lazy.

I should mention that this deck project that he committed to involves flipping and sanding all of the deck boards. He flipped the boards surrounding the door and stairs so that NO ONE can get into the house safely. So, for anyone who thinks I should invite some acquaintances over from church...it's literally impossible because they cannot get into the house. It's dangerous to walk on the deck, even more dangerous to take the baby out of the house on it (my husband is not oblivious to this fact).

Before this deck project, my car died, and my husband kept telling me that he was going to "save thousands of dollars" at a car auction that was in a couple of months, if I could just hold off and be stuffed into the house for the time being. So I did, because who wouldn't agree to save thousands? The auction came, he went, and didn't buy anything. Then he procrastinated for another month or two on that project, keeping me literally held captive in the house for 10 hours a day while he had the car at work.

So, from January to a few weeks ago, I had no transportation, than as soon as I got a car I was barricaded into the house having to choose between putting my baby in a dangerous situation to leave, or rotting inside with him for 50+ hours a week. I cannot invite people over because it's DANGEROUS for them to get into the house. I don't know them, what if they fell through the deck and sued us? Aside from that, I don't want my new acquaintances getting hurt, obviously.

If you mentioned these things to him, he would say that I'm NUTS and that it's an elaborate fabrication that I made up in my mind, and that it's just a coincidence that these things are making me feel like a prisoner.

I need to send you a photo of my husband to make sure we are not married to the same man. It has been suggested to me in the past that some of this situation with starting projects and not finishing them, or not even starting them, may be hormonal, caused by low testosterone. (Get that - it's the man's hormones, not the woman's - LOL.) It's an easy blood test and an easy fix, if this is the case. Of course he could just be lazy.
Yeah, spouses should not use the words "always" and "never" because nobody always or never does things. It's sheer impossiblity. It's a shaming move, and the best way to deflect it - or my way - is to say "I don't always do anything" or "there's nothing I haven't never done." Yikes, bad grammar, but you get the picture. It's good to get those words, along with that attitude, out of your marital discussions. My h and I both used to use those words until we got wise to what we were saying, and that it was such a huge negative in our relations.

I do hear what you are saying in your first paragraphs about the way your h behaved last night. It's like he is putting you on the wrong foot, so that you are off balance and not knowing what to expect next. The subtle blaming there - that he can't get things done because of YOU - is pure nonsense. He can't get things done because he doesn't want to do them. He's just trying to avoid responsibility. Ugh. That game playing there - so ugly and manipulative. The fact that he didn't go out for any time, but came back to check on YOU just tells me that he is controlling as well as manipulative.

When is your counselling? What time today? Let us know so that we can pray for your counselling session.

JaneFW · Apr 26, 2012

designer mom said:
He says he would, and I know that he'll sit there and tell the psychologist that he's going to do everything he can to change, and than go home and not do a thing. I know this because he tells me over and over and over that he's going to do things, has me convinced from here to mars that he's being sincere, and than just doesn't do it. If I ask him, he says he forgot, or misunderstood, or gives me the silent treatment. In other words, he'll look me square in the eyes, and not say a word, and this could go on for hours. He could stare me in the eyes for hours and not speak.

So, just go for counselling alone right now. Build your self esteem and strength and get some understanding, because your counselor should have some insights to this kind of behavior because I'm sure that s/he has seen/heard it all before. They may have some strategies for you to try, or just some advice to give you, but all in all, I think it will help you to know that you are being heard and that someone is out there to help you in person.

designer mom · Apr 26, 2012

dallasapple said:
I was WRONG for taking my children to the doctor for infections requiring antibiotics(of course nto THANK you for takign them I trust you with our children)

This too has already happened to me. My son was less than 2 weeks old and he refused to eat and had diarrhea (sorry for the details) and a low fever. He was up for the entire night screaming. It was obvious to me that I had a medical emergency on my hands, and I took action by getting in touch with the on call Dr. at his pediatricians office. My husband was standing there suggesting that nothing at all was wrong and that it was probably 'indigestion' or something. I remember looking at him and asking him how on earth he could downplay such a serious situation and ignore a potentially life threatening problem, and suggest that I do the same. Well, long story short, my son ended up being hospitalized, and we later found out that he is allergic to dairy and soy proteins. The whole time, I felt like a complete idiot, but in the end I was so thankful that I did not listen to my husband because something WAS very wrong.

designer mom · Apr 26, 2012

JaneFW said:
When is your counselling? What time today? Let us know so that we can pray for your counselling session.

Thank you, it's at 3pm.

mkgal1 · Apr 26, 2012

Praying that goes well.....and that you will know clearly whether or not they are a good fit for you.

mkgal1 · Apr 26, 2012

tannicv2 said:
What I'm getting out of this thread is the husband isn't living up to the wife's expectations or he isn't changing in ways that she think he should be changing.

That's different than one I am getting from it. It's not that he isn't changing.....it is that he HAS changed since getting married (along with his family of origin).

JaneFW · Apr 26, 2012

mkgal1 said:
Praying that goes well.....and that you will know clearly whether or not they are a good fit for you.

Standing with MK on that prayer.

dallasapple · Apr 26, 2012

designer mom said:
This too has already happened to me. My son was less than 2 weeks old and he refused to eat and had diarrhea (sorry for the details) and a low fever. He was up for the entire night screaming. It was obvious to me that I had a medical emergency on my hands, and I took action by getting in touch with the on call Dr. at his pediatricians office. My husband was standing there suggesting that nothing at all was wrong and that it was probably 'indigestion' or something. I remember looking at him and asking him how on earth he could downplay such a serious situation and ignore a potentially life threatening problem, and suggest that I do the same. Well, long story short, my son ended up being hospitalized, and we later found out that he is allergic to dairy and soy proteins. The whole time, I felt like a complete idiot, but in the end I was so thankful that I did not listen to my husband because something WAS very wrong.

This happened to me too in a critical case..my then 2 and 1/2 year old I had taken to the doctor the day before and he had the "flu" and they had just told me to give him the usual tylenal for fever and benadryl for his cough etc..well the next evening he wasnt getting better as the night wore on my husband had gone to bed already..so happens he was starting a brand new job the next day & we were in between having insurance because of that..anyway but I was on 'high alert"..ya know when you just keep on looking at the child you can not rest ..something is NOT right..I took his temp it was over 104...I kept thinking "I know I JUST took him to the doctor but something is NOT right'..I was convicned becasue of nearly constant coughing with barely a normal breath he was NOT gettign enough air..it had gotten late like 11:30/ 12:00..at once it felt like "this is an emergency now'..I woke my husband and told him ..something is wrong ..Im takign him to the emergency room..he got MAD at me and said I have to go to WORK tomorrow YOU dont!(he todl me that 1,000's of times)..I said then dont go with me ..he said 'your just like your mother..YOU arent going to be "happy"(happy?Im HAPPY to go to the emergency room ?Im happy my child is terribly ill?)until you take him..Oh and thats just great "you know we dont have inusrance"?and didnt you JUST take him to the doctor?Litterally while still in the bed..he didnt GET UP and check over th child..he just IMMEDIATELY doubted me..and got ANGRY at me...

Anyway I took him myself..they said he had an upper respriatory infection and gave him some antibiotics there and a script for that ..and a breathing treatment ...well I was packing him up and he was coughing so hard he started vomoting up the antibiotics..I already had his COAT on ..I remember holding him over the sink in the examing room..I put him back down ..I thought this isnt going to WORK how can he get better if he is coughing THAT hard and cant hold down the antibiotics..I looked out the door flagged down the docotor that was at the desk filling out the paper work and called him into the room..I said he just vomited up those antibiotics and I looked at my son and I could swear his lips were turning blue..I said and "am I crazy(my constant words about myself) or are his LIPS TURNING BLUE?The doctor looked at him and didnt even say a word he walked over to the wall...grabbed an oxygen mask and put it on him and began giving him oxygen..then he said oh boy I think I should run some x-rays...Long story longer LOL...the x-rays showed pneumonia in both his lungs..they said he needs to be admitted to recieve intavenous antibiotics and round the clock breathing treatments..he was VERY VERY ill...and I KNEW that ..I wasnt a paranoid nervous mother...DYING to go sit in an emergency room for 4 hours ..just for rhe fun of it..I was also EXAUSTED ...

I called my husband and told him ..he has pnumonia and they are putting him in the hospital he said "what ! pneumonia ? I said YES thats what I said!Like he was all baffled and shocked..

Our son could have died...40,000 a year die due to complications of the flu normally PNEUMONIA and its the very old and the very young..or the immune surpressed..

Its the fact that I WAS the only "expert" in that house that night when it came to the children and any illnesses..I was the one "nursing" him....Im the one that KNOWS my childrens NORMAL and NOT normal selves even when they are sick ..whats bad news as in this is more serious and whats a non emergency..Why did he ARGUE with me and be an OBSTACLE for me?What if I had listened to HIM?Its his ATTITUDE that I dont know what Im talking about .Im autoomatically WRONG ...not only that he INSULTED me and my mother in the process with the 'your just like your mother'..YEP my little sister almost DIED of spinal menangitis when she was an infant but my MOTHER picked up on her not normal behavor..she was larthargic then she vomited then strated running a high fever ..my mother didnt WAIT she took her to the emergency room and its the only reason shes alive..so in that sense YES im just like my mother and its a COMPLIMENT ...

You woud THINK he would have apologized for doubtign me..NOPE not a word..you would THINK he woudl THANK me for being on top of that..NOPE not a word..you woud think even from that poitn on he wouldnt QUESTION my judgment at LEAST when it came to the kids and their health..NO..in fact that was only the BEGINNING of his mocking me for taking them to the docotor ..reminding me how much it cost...NEVER thanking me ..NEVER telling me he was secure in that he had me watching over them..NO..his comments about "they will be fine' continued..his commetns about how they really didnt NEED to go to the doctor or antibiotics continued..

Hey but he ALWAYS remembered to "bring me flowers" ..cleaned house "better than I did"..and slobbered and groped all over me every single day trying to make sure i knew how much he LOVED me and how 'sexy and hot" I am..

I finally todl him to STOP tellign me he loved me..that was antoher thing..he told me those 3 words several times a day..they becaem MEANINGLESS to me adn actually began to aggravate me..I said becasue what LOVE is to you is NOT what love is to me..and wehn I asked him then WHAT do you love about me all he could come up with was soemthign physical..IOW the reasons he liked to have sex with me and look at me ..

Dallas

designer mom · Apr 26, 2012

dallasapple said:
This happened to me too in a critical case..my then 2 and 1/2 year old I had taken to the doctor the day before and he had the "flu" and they had just told me to give him the usual tylenal for fever and benadryl for his cough etc..well the next evening he wasnt getting better as the night wore on my husband had gone to bed already..so happens he was starting a brand new job the next day & we were in between having insurance because of that..anyway but I was on 'high alert"..ya know when you just keep on looking at the child you can not rest ..something is NOT right..I took his temp it was over 104...I kept thinking "I know I JUST took him to the doctor but something is NOT right'..I was convicned becasue of nearly constant coughing with barely a normal breath he was NOT gettign enough air..it had gotten late like 11:30/ 12:00..at once it felt like "this is an emergency now'..I woke my husband and told him ..something is wrong ..Im takign him to the emergency room..he got MAD at me and said I have to go to WORK tomorrow YOU dont!(he todl me that 1,000's of times)..I said then dont go with me ..he said 'your just like your mother..YOU arent going to be "happy"(happy?Im HAPPY to go to the emergency room ?Im happy my child is terribly ill?)until you take him..Oh and thats just great "you know we dont have inusrance"?and didnt you JUST take him to the doctor?Litterally while still in the bed..he didnt GET UP and check over th child..he just IMMEDIATELY doubted me..and got ANGRY at me...

Anyway I took him myself..they said he had an upper respriatory infection and gave him some antibiotics there and a script for that ..and a breathing treatment ...well I was packing him up and he was coughing so hard he started vomoting up the antibiotics..I already had his COAT on ..I remember holding him over the sink in the examing room..I put him back down ..I thought this isnt going to WORK how can he get better if he is coughing THAT hard and cant hold down the antibiotics..I looked out the door flagged down the docotor that was at the desk filling out the paper work and called him into the room..I said he just vomited up those antibiotics and I looked at my son and I could swear his lips were turning blue..I said and "am I crazy(my constant words about myself) or are his LIPS TURNING BLUE?The doctor looked at him and didnt even say a word he walked over to the wall...grabbed an oxygen mask and put it on him and began giving him oxygen..then he said oh boy I think I should run some x-rays...Long story longer LOL...the x-rays showed pneumonia in both his lungs..they said he needs to be admitted to recieve intavenous antibiotics and round the clock breathing treatments..he was VERY VERY ill...and I KNEW that ..I wasnt a paranoid nervous mother...DYING to go sit in an emergency room for 4 hours ..just for rhe fun of it..I was also EXAUSTED ...

I called my husband and told him ..he has pnumonia and they are putting him in the hospital he said "what ! pneumonia ? I said YES thats what I said!Like he was all baffled and shocked..

Our son could have died...40,000 a year die due to complications of the flu normally PNEUMONIA and its the very old and the very young..or the immune surpressed..

Its the fact that I WAS the only "expert" in that house that night when it came to the children and any illnesses..I was the one "nursing" him....Im the one that KNOWS my childrens NORMAL and NOT normal selves even when they are sick ..whats bad news as in this is more serious and whats a non emergency..Why did he ARGUE with me and be an OBSTACLE for me?What if I had listened to HIM?Its his ATTITUDE that I dont know what Im talking about .Im autoomatically WRONG ...not only that he INSULTED me and my mother in the process with the 'your just like your mother'..YEP my little sister almost DIED of spinal menangitis when she was an infant but my MOTHER picked up on her not normal behavor..she was larthargic then she vomited then strated running a high fever ..my mother didnt WAIT she took her to the emergency room and its the only reason shes alive..so in that sense YES im just like my mother and its a COMPLIMENT ...

You woud THINK he would have apologized for doubtign me..NOPE not a word..you would THINK he woudl THANK me for being on top of that..NOPE not a word..you woud think even from that poitn on he wouldnt QUESTION my judgment at LEAST when it came to the kids and their health..NO..in fact that was only the BEGINNING of his mocking me for taking them to the docotor ..reminding me how much it cost...NEVER thanking me ..NEVER telling me he was secure in that he had me watching over them..NO..his comments about "they will be fine' continued..his commetns about how they really didnt NEED to go to the doctor or antibiotics continued..

Hey but he ALWAYS remembered to "bring me flowers" ..cleaned house "better than I did"..and slobbered and groped all over me every single day trying to make sure i knew how much he LOVED me and how 'sexy and hot" I am..

I finally todl him to STOP tellign me he loved me..that was antoher thing..he told me those 3 words several times a day..they becaem MEANINGLESS to me adn actually began to aggravate me..I said becasue what LOVE is to you is NOT what love is to me..and wehn I asked him then WHAT do you love about me all he could come up with was soemthign physical..IOW the reasons he liked to have sex with me and look at me ..

Dallas

UGH!!! I'm surprised that he didn't than turn the situation around and try to blame you for not bringing your child to the ER sooner!!!

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