Splitting Chores

[Curtis Rhodes]

It's me the husband, here to make my marriage better. I have a growing frustration that I am afraid is just going to get to the point of no return. I have been married a little over 5 years. In my house, I do 95 percent of the cooking, paying the bills, and cleaning. In the span of 5 years, I can say confidently that my wife has not cooked more than 30 times. In that same span, I can also say that my wife hasn't swept, mopped, done laundry (wash and put away), or cleaned anything more than 10 times. I am exhausted in feeling so overwhelmed. It gets to the point that I get upset when my kids or her make a mess because I know that if I don't clean it, no one else will. I have talked to her many times, always followed by the same, I'm sorry, I will do better. It has been 5 years, and nothing is better. She will do one thing, and expect me to praise her for it. But this is our responsibility. We have a home that we have been blessed with and keeping it at least picked up and clean to the point the roaches won't come crawling in is necessary and I believe God ordained. What can I do if talking doesn't help? What are my options?

 

[snoochface]

1) Do you work full time? Does she?
2) Who is the primary caregiver to your children?

A lot depends on those answers. If she stays home with the kids, she's worn out from the full time job of caring for them, and it's a blessing for her to have a bit of a break when you get home from work (assuming you work outside the home). Taking care of the kids doesn't stop at 5:00 p.m. so I could understand her letting some of the other household chores go.

If you both work full time, you should both be splitting up the household chores evenly. But it's not just cooking, cleaning, and laundry. It's home repair, yard work, grocery shopping, picking up dry cleaning, making doctor's appointments, carting the kids to their activities, meeting with teachers at the school, paying bills, making bank deposits, doing the taxes, balancing the checkbook, doing the Christmas shopping, wrapping gifts, handling family events - there's a lot more to splitting up the household chores than just cleaning and cooking.

Maybe those aren't her strong suits, but some of the other myriad things that need to be done around the house as part of family management are. Is she crediting you with all of those things that you do? Are you crediting her for all of what she does?

I'd say if you can afford it, hire out what you can. Get someone to come in twice a month and deep clean the house, it's not that expensive. Order groceries online that you can pick up at the store if that's an option in your area. Hire out the lawn work. Then out of the full, compehensive, every single thing you can think of list of things that need to get done on a regular basis, each of you pick three that you don't mind doing and are willing to commit to keeping up with.

What's left you divvy up between you, maybe alternating weeks if they are chores you really hate, or giving some to the kids that they are able to do.

 

[Curtis Rhodes]

1) Do you work full time? Does she?
2) Who is the primary caregiver to your children?

A lot depends on those answers. If she stays home with the kids, she's worn out from the full time job of caring for them, and it's a blessing for her to have a bit of a break when you get home from work (assuming you work outside the home). Taking care of the kids doesn't stop at 5:00 p.m. so I could understand her letting some of the other household chores go.

If you both work full time, you should both be splitting up the household chores evenly. But it's not just cooking, cleaning, and laundry. It's home repair, yard work, grocery shopping, picking up dry cleaning, making doctor's appointments, carting the kids to their activities, meeting with teachers at the school, paying bills, making bank deposits, doing the taxes, balancing the checkbook, doing the Christmas shopping, wrapping gifts, handling family events - there's a lot more to splitting up the household chores than just cleaning and cooking.

Maybe those aren't her strong suits, but some of the other myriad things that need to be done around the house as part of family management are. Is she crediting you with all of those things that you do? Are you crediting her for all of what she does?

I'd say if you can afford it, hire out what you can. Get someone to come in twice a month and deep clean the house, it's not that expensive. Order groceries online that you can pick up at the store if that's an option in your area. Hire out the lawn work. Then out of the full, compehensive, every single thing you can think of list of things that need to get done on a regular basis, each of you pick three that you don't mind doing and are willing to commit to keeping up with.

What's left you divvy up between you, maybe alternating weeks if they are chores you really hate, or giving some to the kids that they are able to do.

I hired someone to do our yard work because she doesn't like that I would need to spend an hour and a half doing that every other week while she is inside with the kids. As far as those other things you mentioned, I do all of that. We both work full time and go to school. I do online school while she has some classes she attends. Our schedules are both packed but the things that need to get done, I do. One thing she does do is put the baby to bed, but that is because he breastfeeds at 2 years old, is followed by her going to bed herself and that leaves me with the 2 older ones to put to bed

 

[Jane_Doe]

I hired someone to do our yard work because she doesn't like that I would need to spend an hour and a half doing that every other week while she is inside with the kids. As far as those other things you mentioned, I do all of that. We both work full time and go to school. I do online school while she has some classes she attends. Our schedules are both packed but the things that need to get done, I do. One thing she does do is put the baby to bed, but that is because he breastfeeds at 2 years old, is followed by her going to bed herself and that leaves me with the 2 older ones to put to bed

You're BOTH in school, work full time, have 3 kids, and have a house to manage?

No wonder you're exhausted! Dude, you got to cut back on something.

 

[*LILAC]

Sounds like you really need to sit down and seriously consider splitting or even eliminating stuff. If she's still breastfeeding, she could be vitamin deficient which can seriously mess with a woman's energy level.

 

[HannahT]

It gets to the point that I get upset when my kids or her make a mess because I know that if I don't clean it, no one else will. I have talked to her many times, always followed by the same, I'm sorry, I will do better. It has been 5 years, and nothing is better. She will do one thing, and expect me to praise her for it. But this is our responsibility.

Sadly, its not an unusual dynamic. It seems these chores normally do fall to one person over the other.

It sounds like you both have your plates FULL!

I'm not sure this will help, but at times placing something in front of people - a visual - tends to help bring the point home.

For example, make a chart with the class and work schedules - including any kids schedules.

Then you fill in the chores for the first week. Do what you are doing now, and show her the overwhelming amount of work that you are doing compared to her. I realize this sounds dumb, but at times if people are visual - this chart may bring the point home. Especially if you use two different color highlights for his/her chores done that week.

Fix Dinner, Do Dishes, Laundry, Bathrooms, Vacuum - the basic stuff, but don't get into the weeds to far.

When you have a chart at the end of the week? 7 feedings for her (pink highlight), and 35 chores for you(blue highlight)? It might dawn on her that it could be her that should be praising YOU instead of the other way around.

Also, take something you have to do - like laundry - do yours and the kids. Allow her to do her own afterwards. Sometimes allowing things to drop instead of rushing into doing them sends a message as well. Heck, some people actually made plans for a long weekend alone. Left their spouse with the kids, and forced the subject. Most learn to appreciate what they have.

Lastly, at times you need to find mentors - older couple maybe - to help guide you through this process. With both packed schedules, and one not pulling their weight? Resentment can take hold, and you now have a bigger problem on your hands.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

^ Yeah, no... That won’t go over well. Spouses don’t respond well to having their partner talk down to them.

To me it sounds like you’re both overscheduled and you need to dial it back a bit.

 

[HannahT]

What part is talking down to someone? I was just mentioning something I did personally. I did the chart years ago, and it pointed out something I had been mentioning. Sometimes people are visual learners. My oldest tends to be visual as well.

All I know is it pointed out something I had been mentioning for a long time, and it helped us.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

What part is talking down to someone? I was just mentioning something I did personally. I did the chart years ago, and it pointed out something I had been mentioning.

Developing a chart that shows how much work you do and how much your partner doesn’t is talking down and extremely demeaning. As is the passive aggressive game playing of “do you’d laundry and the kids laundry, but not hers.” That’s how you handle a petulant child, not a partner.

Sometimes people are visual learners. My oldest tends to be visual as well.

I rest my case.

 

[Tom Sawyer]

It's me the husband, here to make my marriage better. I have a growing frustration that I am afraid is just going to get to the point of no return. I have been married a little over 5 years. In my house, I do 95 percent of the cooking, paying the bills, and cleaning. In the span of 5 years, I can say confidently that my wife has not cooked more than 30 times. In that same span, I can also say that my wife hasn't swept, mopped, done laundry (wash and put away), or cleaned anything more than 10 times. I am exhausted in feeling so overwhelmed. It gets to the point that I get upset when my kids or her make a mess because I know that if I don't clean it, no one else will. I have talked to her many times, always followed by the same, I'm sorry, I will do better. It has been 5 years, and nothing is better. She will do one thing, and expect me to praise her for it. But this is our responsibility. We have a home that we have been blessed with and keeping it at least picked up and clean to the point the roaches won't come crawling in is necessary and I believe God ordained. What can I do if talking doesn't help? What are my options?

You sound very frustrated and I would be too. However, things are kind of upside down. You may not have established this in your marriage, but it is the wife's role to care for the home. Not only is this the biblical instruction, but the woman's role of mother and homemaker has been accepted by most societies and civilizations in history, as has the man's headship, that almost universally. The woman is also better suited for those roles than she is for going out into stress and danger and supporting a household.

I would definitely suggest following the order of God and of nature, and reestablishing appropriate gender roles. As you are the man, you need to take the lead in making this happen. It is much easier to plan this before marriage or soon after, but I have met those who altered their household order long after getting married. God's way is always good, and it is peaceful and fruitful for us. You need to take the lead in your home, and let your wife know her role in caring for home and children. It can be an ongoing project for a while, and things don't change overnight, but I know by God's grace you can do it.

 

[mama2one]

with you BOTH working full time, going to school, and raising 3 children plus your wife is still breast feeding .......this is a lot on both your plates

since you're both working, can you pay for some work to be done?or do one of you have a parent who can help out once in a while?

also, let your standards down some and let the two older kids help a little....my mom had me washing dishes at age 5
young kids think chores are fun and can fold clothes and sweep
doesn't have to be perfect

 

[mama2one]

when you are all home, do work ALL together in small increments of time say 15 or 20 min
play one of those kid's clean up songs and all do something
it actually is a little fun with music


re bills....I still write/mail bills
but a relative told me she has hers set up online and can pay all her bills in about 5 min so maybe you can look into that

 

[Tom Sawyer]

It's me the husband, here to make my marriage better. I have a growing frustration that I am afraid is just going to get to the point of no return. I have been married a little over 5 years. In my house, I do 95 percent of the cooking, paying the bills, and cleaning. In the span of 5 years, I can say confidently that my wife has not cooked more than 30 times. In that same span, I can also say that my wife hasn't swept, mopped, done laundry (wash and put away), or cleaned anything more than 10 times. I am exhausted in feeling so overwhelmed. It gets to the point that I get upset when my kids or her make a mess because I know that if I don't clean it, no one else will. I have talked to her many times, always followed by the same, I'm sorry, I will do better. It has been 5 years, and nothing is better. She will do one thing, and expect me to praise her for it. But this is our responsibility. We have a home that we have been blessed with and keeping it at least picked up and clean to the point the roaches won't come crawling in is necessary and I believe God ordained. What can I do if talking doesn't help? What are my options?

1 Timothy 5:14 and Titus 2:4-5. Don't flow with the culture, brother, or with the contemporary "ministry." Follow the Word of God, even if it takes some time to rearrange things. In the long run, your wife should thank you for that. It brings honor to God.

 

[Mayflower1]

I am a stay at home mom, my husband works 12 hour thirds and sleeps during the day, and taking care of a baby, chores are let go. I keep up and my husband does help. But it is overwhelming still. I can't imagine working with three kids and going to school. That would be out of the question right now. Maybe y'all should look into a maid to clean the house once a week and make premade dinners together y'all can just freeze and heat up being always on the go. I bet y'all hardly have anytime alone together. Some cutbacks definitely need to happen in how I see it.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I like the maid idea. My husband does a ton of the chores in our house and if we could afford it, I’d get a maid once or twice a week. Whatever helps.

 

[Jon Osterman]

My advice to the OP would be just to stop doing the chores yourself. Don't provide any explanation. Just stop. I am quite sure that your wife would be doing her chores if she lived on her own. The reason she doesn't do them now is because you do them.

I realise that this could be quite uncomfortable for you because you want the chores to be done. But hopefully it doesn't take too long for her to get the point.