Spanking babies?

[Kayeliz]

This is a question which came up because I'm pregnant rigth now (6th month) and have been reading a lot about raising children and especially about babies - I guess that's what most soon-to-be parents do. One thing that came up in an article is that, at least in the United States, it is quite common to spank babies who are less than 12 months old.

I might have to be honest here - my husband and I have already decided against spanking. Not out of some blind idealism, but my own experience is that it was other forms of punishment which worked best for me as a child. Besides, we live in Germany where it is illegal. So, admittedly, I'm not asking about this because I'm wondering about whether we should spank our baby, but it is a topic I still think and read about a lot (even in Germany, people on Christian forums often tend to be in favour of spanking) - which has been important for me in making the decision not to spank our child. And even while we have made our decision, I'm still interested in knowing why parents do things differently.

What shocked me a little is the spaning of babies, though. My godchild is 18 months old and I do know that, to a certain extend, they understand that they are not supposed to do certain things, but I also know that, around 12 months old, he did not seem to have any concept of his actions having consequences. When I held him on my lap, he would happily try to dive headfirst down on the floor, probably inflicting major injuries to himself if I hadn't been holding him and kept him from falling. So I'm wondering - if parents do spank their babies at 12 months or younger, why? First, what are the reasons, or what have the babies done to deserve a spanking, and what do you think will be the effect? Do you think the baby will actually learn not to do certain things? Will it be pure fear that will make the baby stop doing certain things or really a lesson that they learn? Aren't you worried that it might do more damage than good in such a small child?

 

[Paul of Eugene OR]

This is a question which came up because I'm pregnant rigth now (6th month) and have been reading a lot about raising children and especially about babies - I guess that's what most soon-to-be parents do. One thing that came up in an article is that, at least in the United States, it is quite common to spank babies who are less than 12 months old.

I might have to be honest here - my husband and I have already decided against spanking. Not out of some blind idealism, but my own experience is that it was other forms of punishment which worked best for me as a child. Besides, we live in Germany where it is illegal. So, admittedly, I'm not asking about this because I'm wondering about whether we should spank our baby, but it is a topic I still think and read about a lot (even in Germany, people on Christian forums often tend to be in favour of spanking) - which has been important for me in making the decision not to spank our child. And even while we have made our decision, I'm still interested in knowing why parents do things differently.

What shocked me a little is the spaning of babies, though. My godchild is 18 months old and I do know that, to a certain extend, they understand that they are not supposed to do certain things, but I also know that, around 12 months old, he did not seem to have any concept of his actions having consequences. When I held him on my lap, he would happily try to dive headfirst down on the floor, probably inflicting major injuries to himself if I hadn't been holding him and kept him from falling. So I'm wondering - if parents do spank their babies at 12 months or younger, why? First, what are the reasons, or what have the babies done to deserve a spanking, and what do you think will be the effect? Do you think the baby will actually learn not to do certain things? Will it be pure fear that will make the baby stop doing certain things or really a lesson that they learn? Aren't you worried that it might do more damage than good in such a small child?

Spanking babies is evil. We occasionally spanked our kids, but only long after they were able to talk.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Even among parents who used spanking as a form of punishment that I have known (which was the standard when I was growing up) - I have never known anyone to spank an infant, toddler, or very young child. Probably not before 2-1/2 to 3 years of age at the youngest.

What I have seen many parents do is to slap the hand of a young child when they reached toward something dangerous, like an electrical outlet or stove. That was the often-accepted form of teaching for most of the years I've seen.

(By contrast I decided a little experiment with my own child, I would touch it and pretend to be hurt - she NEVER tried to touch anything she shouldn't ... but she was also hyper-aware of safety as a small child - not sure which might have caused the other, if it did. And of course we have so many safety devices these days that such teaching is much less needed.)

But I see no potential benefit in spankng a very young child. I'm concerned it might be the result of parental anger, and my belief is that if you are going to spank (it wasn't my method) ... you should NEVER do so in anger. Discipline is NOT for venting parental frustration or anger.

 

[jovanovic]

Do not do that.

 

[Kayeliz]

As I said, we had never planned to do that in the first place. But from what I have read, it does happen and I find it very hard to understand why since I don't think babies are old ennough to even understand it.

 

[archer75]

Spanking babies is just inflicting pain, not a punishment- because they cannot even understand that they are doing anything, let alone that they are doing something "wrong."

You should never ever spank a child that cannot yet have a reciprocal conversation with you.

 

[Hearingheart]

I'm glad you have chosen wisely. Infants never need spanked.

Spanking was a rare occurrence at our house, reserved for that special child who, after a couple warnings and repeating back to us what we warned about, still continued to defiantly disobey.

 

[Tayla]

I might have to be honest here - my husband and I have already decided against spanking.

We did not spank our children. The American Psychological Association (APA) is strongly opposed to the practice of spanking children. I think its OK if its not abusive and not done in anger. Hey, I even gently swat my dogs on occasion to get their attention.

 

[mina]

You should never spank babies. That is cruel beyond words and I consider it abusive. They don't understand why you are hitting them, and often aren't even doing anything to be "bad". They are just being normal babies- crying because they need something(or you) and can't talk. I am appalled at some of the things out there that people suggest to discipline "bad" infants. I don't suggest spanking older kids even. There are other ways to discipline that can lead to more positive outcomes.

 

[Radagast]

What I have seen many parents do is to slap the hand of a young child when they reached toward something dangerous, like an electrical outlet or stove. That was the often-accepted form of teaching for most of the years I've seen.

In a world with dangerous things, many parents use that kind of nonverbal communication to say "you will get hurt if you do that."

That's not a cultural universal; some cultures allow babies to learn by trial and error. If they get severely burned / chop fingers off / lose an eye / get scarred for life, well, they've learned a valuable lesson.

 

[ValleyGal]

First, let me congratulate you on making the decision to not spank, and congratulations on your pregnancy. As a parent educator, I teach that spanking works against attachment relationships at any age. Your role as a caregiver is to teach - and not just the things they are and aren't allowed to do, but also the why. The "why" helps them to grow up being able to problem-solve, have empathy, and think through possible consequences of their behaviour and how it affects themselves or others.

About spanking young babies, I have known of a few parents who have done this - only because I teach parenting classes and come across a lot of parents who are mandated to be there due to involvement of child protection. In those rare times I've dealt with those parents, it has always come down to the baby's crying and the parent not knowing how to meet the baby's need - these kinds of parents basically say "stop crying or I'll give you a reason to cry." Mostly, they are unable to manage their own difficult emotions in the moment a baby has a need but not the ability to say what the need is. This is attunement...the ability to know what your child is trying to tell you - the hidden meaning behind the behaviour.

Being the educator, it is up to me to let them know how to manage their own difficult emotions, while trying to figure out what baby needs - and sometimes all they need is for their attachment figure to just be with them, hold them, help them to calm back down. We call this being the "external regulator" - we need to match their breathing, stroke their back, be methodical, turn the lights low... decrease their stimulation.

Sometimes a caregiver can do all that and more, and baby still won't stop crying. It's important to have someone you can call on when it becomes unbearable - someone the baby is familiar with.

There is always an alternative to spanking at any age.

 

[Kayeliz]

The replies here makes it seem like spanking babies is actually not that common. I have to admit I could't really understand why one should do that since babies don't cry just to be disobedient or knowing fully well they are not supposed to do that. I have once heard it is done to "break their will", but I also don't get why that should be done with babies.
As I said, we don't want to spank our baby at all, not matter at what age, but it seemed like for some parents, there was some reasoning behind spanking babies that made it seem like a good idea and I was wondering what that could be. Sounds like that would be quite hard to find, though.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Actually this thread reminds me of some parenting info that was circulating when my daughter was small. It was very poorly thought of in my circles. (I was part of the breastfeeding, attentive parenting philosophy.) It was by a couple by the name of Ezzo, and what I remember is that they recommended training babies to eat on a schedule and I think there was punishment involved if they pushed things off their high chair tray and they were to be ignored if they cried outside of schedule. Being of an opposite mindset, the idea seemed - well, I won't use the word. It was quite in opposition to the way I believed. I'm not sure if they advocated actual spanking of infants.

Though my mother and grandmother's generations were a bit more strict with infant schedules, I think ... they also rarely breastfed and were often delivered of babies under deep anesthesia and often didn't recover enough to hold them until they were a couple of days old - at least that's what I was told. This would have been especially around the 1940's in the US.

 

[ValleyGal]

The replies here makes it seem like spanking babies is actually not that common. I have to admit I could't really understand why one should do that since babies don't cry just to be disobedient or knowing fully well they are not supposed to do that. I have once heard it is done to "break their will", but I also don't get why that should be done with babies.
As I said, we don't want to spank our baby at all, not matter at what age, but it seemed like for some parents, there was some reasoning behind spanking babies that made it seem like a good idea and I was wondering what that could be. Sounds like that would be quite hard to find, though.

All behaviour has meaning, and since babies are only using the survival part of their brain, it's never something that should be punished. Not responding to a baby's cry means that they are only allowed to exist in your presence when they are not crying - and that means they learn to suppress their true needs and that is very unhealthy for babies.

Why would anyone want to break their child's will - baby, toddler or child? Does God break our will as his children? No... he relies on the love relationship we have with him, to allow our love for him to motivate us to align to his will. As parents, we need to allow the relationship to blossom, and when they experience the depth of our love for them and they love us back, their love for us will motivate them to obedience - meaning as opposed to outright defiance on a regular basis. As children grow up, they start testing us in order to assert their independence, and as teenagers, you will experience counterwill as a normal part of transitioning to adulthood. This is "healthy disobedience" as they are learning the boundaries, appropriate behaviour, problem solving and conflict management. That's why the relationship is so important. When they are older, you want them to come to you and talk to you about anything, so as they get older and more independent, it's important to be more flexible than strict adherence to safety rules when they are young. But when you break their will, they will have fear of asserting themselves, pursuing anything without permission, suppress their emotions, and have a very poor sense of boundaries.

There is no good reason to spank children, babies, toddlers, pre-schoolers, or any child. There are always other ways to deal with misbehaviour.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I think spanking children that young will only cause harm. There is no good reason to do that.

 

[Mayflower1]

My daughter is 6 months old. I am unsure when to start spanking, but Id want to make sure she would understand it. So probably around two or three...right now, I am just introducing "no" to like taking my glasses or pulling my hair, and distracting her to something else. She won't understand no yet, but eventually she will. It would depend on her temperament too I think. A shepherd's rod was meant to guide, not to beat. Though sometimes a little spat goes a long way with a child,some children are better disciplined in other ways. But babies, no...

 

[Odetta]

Ezzo - that's the Babywise book. There is also a christian version of that called Preparation for Parenting. He's quite controversial; some churches kicked him out. We raised our kids with the attachment parent philosophy, which is anti-babywise. And I'll just leave my opinions of babywise at that.

We were not going to spank. Our youngest gave us some trouble though, because he's ADHD and we didn't know it for a while. We were desperate over his behaviors and expanded our tool box beyond our initial philosophies. I tried spanking with him a few times around age 4, and he laughed. Clearly not effective for him. Time outs didn't really work either, because he could always find some way to entertain himself, even on a stool in the empty hallway. Other tools, like praise for good choices, natural consequences and loss of privileges for bad ones, giving them options and opportunities to make good choices, etc. are much more effective with our kids. Knowing your child's currency really helps. My kids are teenagers, so these days their currency is wifi/data access.

 

[mama2one]

We did not spank our children. The American Psychological Association (APA) is strongly opposed to the practice of spanking children..

agree with this ^

we totally baby proofed our house, so there was nothing that we'd have to say "no, leave that alone"

first time our child hit our dog, at age 2, I said we pat the dog and showed how to do it, so child knew what the correct behavior was

we used distraction a lot at younger ages, then time ins, and then natural consequences

we also learned to avoid what people would call bad behavior by making sure our child got naps, healthy food, and snacks when out
and lots of activity like going to parks, sometimes I'd take our chikd's hand and run around the outside of our house twice to use up child's energy

when little, I rocked our child everyday which helped with bonding and if I sensed our child was getting upset over something, I might add in extra rocking time (it really helped bonding and when a child is really connected to parents, they actually want to please, not misbehave)

 

[anna ~ grace]

Spankng babies is just awful. I can understand spanking a toddler 2 or 3 and above if they've refused to listen to you on the second or third try, but only in direct and clear response for bad behavior. Never, as others have noted, simply to vent.

 

[mama2one]

I can understand spanking a toddler 2 or 3 and above if they've refused to listen to you on the second or third try, but only in direct and clear response for bad behavior.

I can't think of anything that bad to warrant a spanking

once when child was two, I could see the anger/tantrum coming and took us outside to the grass
I sat down against the house and said nothing and it was amazing
child plopped belly down on grass, started kicking ground, and pulling fistfuls of grass out of ground and then after done, looked up at me with the sweetest smile and came over and climbed into my lap, facing me and just smiling

I'll never forget that