Spanking babies?

[anna ~ grace]

I can't think of anything that bad to warrant a spanking

once when child was two, I could see the anger/tantrum coming and took us outside to the grass
I sat down against the house and said nothing and it was amazing
child plopped belly down on grass, started kicking ground, and pulling fistfuls of grass out of ground and then after down, looked up at me with the sweetest smile nd climbed in my lap

I'll never forget that

I'm glad that worked for your kid. You must have a pretty calm two year old!

Some children, though, will just carry on with no boundaries, punch, hit, or bite their parents, and behave like tyrants. These are often the children to whom mommy is just saying "no" or "stop" over and over again with no visible results.

 

[mama2one]

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[ValleyGal]

While they are babies, it's the ideal time to teach them how to manage their own emotions. This is a process that does not end by the time they turn 2. You can still start at age two. But the relationship is the most important thing... if you are with a baby, you will pick baby up, soothe baby, through touch, holding, letting him or her listen to your heart beat, sing soft lullabies, etc. Babies' needs must be met in a timely way, so they know from the start that they can trust you to meet their needs. One of their biggest needs is emotional regulation. This is also dependent on parental emotional regulation. If a parent has a hard time regulating self, they are not emotionally available to regulate baby.

The same holds true for a toddler. Toddlers need to learn to trust the caregiver. When a toddler is having a tough time regulating, be with him or her in it, and don't let it get the best of your emotions. If you find yourself unable to cope, call on someone else to take over while you leave the situation and regulate yourself. Toddlers need you to sit with them, and what you can do is match your breath to theirs.... if they are sobbing uncontrollably, match the shallow breathing, use a lot of empathy, and then start bringing your breathing back to normal.

There are two types of tantrums - one is a legitimate need, where there are real tears and the need can be met through an action on the caregivers' part. The other is a "little nero" tantrum, where a child stomps around because they don't get their own way. For these tantrums, there are usually no tears. But it's really important to be aware of the situation... an example I've used is the playground tantrum when it's time to go home. How often do we see parents who drag their kids kicking and screaming off the playground, when if we could just sit with them and say "it seems like you really don't want to go home because we are having such a wonderful time. I'm having a great time, too, but if I don't go home and make dinner, it won't be ready by the time you're hungry. Let's go for today, and we can come back to the park for another good time on Saturday." Most of the time, just opening up a respectful dialogue will help the child calm down and learn from the situation.

A two year old is having a legitimate need - to go out and explore their world. They don't know yet... all it takes is respectful teaching for them to learn what they can and can't touch. It's about teaching. Also, it takes no less than three times for anyone to learn anything. That's a minimum. It often takes more - especially for children, as they get into trouble for something today, they think they might not tomorrow. Consistency is absolutely key...right up there with a secure and trusting relationship.

For anyone with young children, I really encourage you to look for a Circle of Security program near you - they break down the entire "system" of attachment, and how you can start working on healthy attachment at any age. This will help lay a good foundation for good behaviour.

 

[JAM2b]

I grew up in the Bible Belt of the U.S. and still live there now, where spanking is pretty much considered a Biblical commandment by many, many parents and churches.

However, I have only known two people who have spanked an infant. One was a very young mother who was not very knowledgeable and not given good guidance or examples by her family. The other was a very old woman, trying to care for her great grandchild, and she also did not have much education or experience beyond her home life.

In the state of Texas specifically, it is illegal to spank an infant. It is classified as child abuse.

I think most people who will spank their children don't start until they are around two to three years old.

 

[JAM2b]

Ezzo - that's the Babywise book. There is also a christian version of that called Preparation for Parenting. He's quite controversial; some churches kicked him out. We raised our kids with the attachment parent philosophy, which is anti-babywise. And I'll just leave my opinions of babywise at that.

Their books and teachings have caused some churches to split and there was research into it to see if it could be classified as a cult. It did not meet all the specifications of being a cult, but had similarities. The Ezzos are not experts, but present themselves as if they are. The more unique things they teach are dangerous for child development, and the things they teach that are not dangerous are not unique to their writings and can be found in many sources. There is no reason to look into their work for guidance because there is plenty of good stuff out there by people with far better knowledge and appropriate experience.

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

I have a two year old nephew, that's been spanked. It doesn't stop his behavior. Also now he tries to spank his sister in the face. I wouldn't spank a baby. It's seems wrong even though some people do.

 

[joshua 1 9]

Will it be pure fear that will make the baby stop doing certain things or really a lesson that they learn?

God does not give us the spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind. Children are born with the natural desire to please their parents and we need to work with that. Children are either going to act out at home or in school. So it is better they act out their frustrations at home so they are well behaved and functional at school. Things get out of control very fast when a child reaches the point where they feel their parents are not happy with them and there is nothing they can do to win the approval of their parents. Some believe the brain is hard wired to know right from wrong. When we become born again we take on the mind of Christ and the Divine thoughts of God. It is the unsaved and unregenerated that have the reprobate mind.

 

[akmom]

Spanking babies is outrageous.

I don't employ spanking on my children and I have had good success. The trick is establishing a routine and getting them used to it. This is not so easy with an infant, but it is a great strategy for toddlers and older kids. Children are much less defiant when they have a routine, because they know what to expect and they can accept that. It can be become more flexible as they get older. Just venture from the routine in small steps so you can gauge how well they are handling it, so you don't get in a position where they are totally overwhelmed and acting out.

My sister is a spanker and always asks me, well if I can't spank, then how do I discipline? And she says timeouts don't work. It's a hard question for me to answer, because timeouts work for me only because they are supplemented as part of a larger routine we have. My children won't wander away from timeout because they have been conditioned to stay there since they were too young to walk! Now if my sister, who typically spanks, suddenly tries a timeout then her child wanders off, ignores her, keeps throwing a fit. So she says it doesn't work. Well it will work if you stick with it and incorporate it into consistent boundaries. There is no "magic" discipline. Spanking might work quicker than other methods, but it does not have long-lasting effects on behavior, so what good is it?

 

[mama2one]

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[mama2one]

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[ValleyGal]

AK, try using a time-in. If you separate a child and make them go away for time out, the message is they are only loved and welcome if they are well behaved and happy. A time-in happens in the same room as the behavioural offense, and a parent or caregiver sits with the child, using a connect-before-you-direct principle. Connect by using empathy, let the child talk about their feelings, and let them tell you what happened and why. Once the child has been regulated, then use direction. Teach them why what they did was wrong, and give them an opportunity to do it right.

Other discipline that works: Logical and natural consequences. Your six year old won't put on their jacket in winter? Let him get cold. Tomorrow when you say "put on your jacket" he likely will. Natural consequence of not putting on a jacket, the child gets cold. A logical consequence is something you as a caregiver will use to address misbehaviour. Your six year old bonked your 4 year old with a tonka truck? Take the tonka truck away either until he treats younger sibling well enough to play nice, or for the rest of the day, whichever comes first.

Connect before you direct, time-in, and logical/natural consequences are principles you can use throughout all their formative years until they leave the nest. It will look different as they get older, but the principles are still effective.

 

[akmom]

ValleyGal, try telling that to a parent who believes it is a biblical commandment to spank children for any offense, and any other discipline is a violation of God's word. I watch her hit that kid all day and he never stops throwing tantrums. Any time I object, she gets defensive and accuses me of opposing God's word. There's no reasoning with someone who has decided on what they believe. Any attempts at logic or examples of better methods are met with accusations that I'm twisting the Bible to mean what I want, or telling her to raise her kids in a secular way.

 

[ValleyGal]

That's too bad. I currently have a client who believes in spanking, and her child, who just turned 14, beat her up last night, she ended up in the hospital, and he was arrested. Aggressive parenting only works "works" while they are smaller than you. I hope her children don't follow suit of my client. If you believe she misuses spanking, goes to far, or whatever, please report, to keep your nieces and nephews safe.

 

[akmom]

Nah, she doesn't beat him or anything. Probably doesn't even hurt. But it's demoralizing. And I can tell it's demoralizing to him, even as a toddler, by the way he reacts to it. She keeps insisting that spanking is the only thing that works, but I haven't seen it "work." He quits his specific offense, but then has a total meltdown. I don't see how that's any better. Ugh, it's so frustrating. That verse in Ephesians about "exasperating" always comes to mind. I just hope he outgrows his tantrums and she sees fit to discipline him in more respectful ways as he gets older.

 

[apolloman87]

I have a two year old daughter and the "terrible twos" have started. We discipline her in two ways, first being time-outs. We have a stool that we place in a corner and force her to sit on when she is in trouble. This has proven effective. We also do spank her when she gets really out of hand, we used to do it a lot more but we have transitioned to the time out strategy because I believe it is both effective and a better tool.

I am not against sparking - I'm not talking about with a lot of force leaving behind a mark.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

we totally baby proofed our house, so there was nothing that we'd have to say "no, leave that alone"

Without much spanking at all, but constant parenting/ (like Jesus Shepherds us constantly ! YEAH)
I've seen little children 'house-proofed' - no matter where they went, they did not even try to put poop or sharpies or toxies in their mouths, nor do anything that would lead to harm - even not play with glass, not go near steps/ ledges where they could fall, nor (this was wonderful to see) to put anything in an electric wall socket...... and
likewise 'stranger-proofed' : well trained and prayed up children trained in the right way did not approach strangers walking past the house, and when a stranger drove up and stopped, they wouldn't even wait, nor at all be afraid , they simply walked back to mom or dad in the house....

Along with always trusting God , every day, taught to them since birth,
never lying, never stealing, never even thinking of doing what is wrong,
right training has results
unseen in over 90% of children any age....
and is peacefully righteous to see them , living in line with all of God's Word.

As for spanking itself - that has become a political and religious and social and family and community evil disaster and failure in the way society works and
few ever see this. (the evil of society, godlessness and worse: perniciousness throughout ) ...

 

[akmom]

We were still under the impression that spanking was important when my first child was young, and one of the reasons we reconsidered it was because it didn't work well, but also I noticed that any time I did "need" to spank, it was because of some failure on my part. I had allowed things to get to the point that our routine disciplinary methods didn't suffice. This can be putting off nap time, expecting a child to be quiet and still longer than is reasonable for their age, or throwing her into an environment with lots of unfamiliar stimuli without first talking to her about what to expect and how to behave. It was when I got lazy that it seemed she got naughty. So I would encourage parents to go back and consider the events that led to the spanking, and think about where they might have dropped the ball. I think kids can be really flexible and come through even when routines change and unexpected disappointments happen, if you talk them through it and follow through, but everyone has a breaking point. If they consistently act out, I think their needs probably aren't being met in some manner.

 

[Stringfellow_Hawke]

When my child is born I have every intention of spanking when necessary. Its how I was brought up, its how their mother was brought up and their grandparents.
When we were kids, pretty much all our dads had to do was look at us when we got out of line. This is what I want. To get right a few times to start and then it be minimal going forward.

I have never heard of babies (as in under 3) being spanked where I'm from. That is way over the line.

 

[FireDragon76]

Spanking a baby is never appropriate, the danger of abuse or neglect of their needs is too high.

 

[mmksparbud]

Babies can not know what they are doing is wrong, or that the pain inflicted is for something they did. Spanking babies is stupid, mean, unnecessary, useless and barbaric. A friend showed me her backs side once. From her thighs to her waist she was nothing but scars. As a baby, her mother sat her down in boiling water because she had been crying. I busted out crying myself when I saw that. I can't imagine the insanity of that woman to think that would have quieted a crying baby. There are people who have thrown babies against the wall for crying---Yah--it stopped crying, it died. I don't care what anti-death penalty people say---they need to be taken out and shot.