So Bitter and Resentful... I'm numb to my wife!

[Lazydaisy67]

I really, really hate to say it, but I give this marriage 6 months, 1 year tops. There's no way he's gonna be able to continue to work out at the gym, being surrounded by women who are "dedicated" and "motivated" without thinking lustful thoughts about them and which will probably lead to infidelity. Considering he's placed himself into a self-imposed state of celebacy with his wife he's doomed to fail. At the very least he's going to become addicted to inappropriate content.

 

[morethanenough06]

Hello all, new to the forum. So glad I can finally lay this out to someone, as I have been praying about this for sometime now and I just dont know anybody I can talk to about this because everyone I know can not relate! Been married for 10 years now and what it boils down to, at first it strictly was the fact that my wife had gained a lot of weight, but the more and more days that go by, its the mentality and attitude towards my desire. For instance, I truly believe as spouses, partners, friends, lovers... if we spend our time serving and fulfilling the needs and wants and desires of our spouses, then we would never lack fulfillment, in that sense. I mean, it was to the point that I agreed to let her take 2 years off of work to lose 45lbs... 2 years 4 months later.... same attitude, same mentality, and only 10 lbs lighter!

Now, mentality wise I say that holds more weight than actually losing the weight because her mentality is that she doesn't owe me that... our vows do not include such things, only to love, be loyal, be faithful, thru thick and thin. I guess I feel so bitter towards her because once I saw that explanation throughout her living style and mentality I just thought to myself, "wow... I am down to be whoever and do whatever for this woman... and she is not prepared to do the same for me... and now Im stuck!" Mind you, God already hit me with the most hard hitting truth and challenge by bringing me one day to the classic verse John 15:13... more importantly than dying for our friend, He asked me, "if your're down for her like that, are you willing to forget about that and live like that for her?" Stopped me in my tracks yall!

So, Im really just in need of some people who have been here or are here, like I said, NOBODY I know can relate to me! My whole thing is, and I told her this in one of our late night chat sessions... btw, other than this, we have an awesome relationship, this does not affect my love for her at all and Ive expressed that, anyway, I told her, "look... God challenged me to accept you for you... so I am going to love you, care for you, protect you, provide for you and be here for you... but I want you to know romance and intimacy might not be there." Without going into great detail, that was the just, she said she understood, and asked what I wanted from her and I told her, " act like you care about my desire..." But here's my thing... how can one expect me to be physically attracted to a body type that Im just not physically attracted to?!?!? I mean, people will try to paint that as shallow but really... you can the coolest person on earth, and we cam hang out all day every day, but if you're not within a certain weight range, I am sorry... and its not a sorry "you don't qualify", it's a "sorry... you do nothing for me physically... and therefore romance and intimacy could never happen on that level..." it is what it is! I feel stuck, helpless, exhausted, frustrated, bitter, angry... case in point, and this is my last point in this intro... and her word means ABSOLUTELY nothing to me for this reason right here because it's the same garbage that's been happening since 2007! Im lying in bed sick today, she comes home from work and tells me, "hey... how are you feeling, yada yada yada" all the normal "welcome home stuff, the she says, "I have to go to this HOA meeting, meet with a new managent company then go to the gym at 6." I just nod like, "yah... we'll see", but I play it off because I don't want her to think I don't "believe in her"... and she kisses me and leaves. This was at 430pm... it's 845pm, she just got back from her friends house and is about to go hang with another friend! That right there, coupled with the fact that of the 5 days this week, she's been to the gym once, is what eggs on the bitterness... she could careless and the mediocrity she shows toward that is the same mediocrity Im now expressing in romance and intimacy... and not on purpose, I think Im just done! I told God that I was done feeling the bitterness and anger towards her regarding that... this was about 1 month ago... and I've been feeling numb ever since!

Sorry if that was long winded and all over the place, but this is 2+ years of feelings that I feel I can finally relate to a human being

Speculate with me for a minute if you will. Imagine that your wife lost the weight... imagine she lost even more than she was aiming for. She looks stunning now! She is thin and sexy and everything you imagined her to be. But then... well, now her boobs sag, or she has stretch marks that turn you off. Maybe her hair style isn't right or she just doesn't dress sexy enough. What then? Maybe, possibly, the problem isn't her weight at all. Maybe being intimate is just too hard. It's just too hard to be intimate with someone you love because... well, who knows? Maybe there's just a wall there that you don't have a name for, so you've decided this is about her weight... when really, I'm guessing, it isn't. Because after 8 or 10 years of marriage, the attraction doesn't really matter anymore. The love is so strong that typically you don't notice some of these changes, and even if you do, you love that person so much that it really isn't all that important. At least not so important you want to quit having sex altogether. So, say possibly this is an intimacy issue... and suddenly the hand looks so much more appealing than your overweight wife, or better yet, the paper dolls in the magazine or on the computer, well... they're perfect, and suddenly anything less just doesn't satisfy. I don't know you. I don't know your wife. I can only speculate. And I have been there. I have never been overweight, but in 15 years of marriage I was pregnant 5 times. And my husband preferred skinny waists (hmm, funny, I somehow never figured how to keep my waistline under 25 inches while pregnant!). And even though I took good care of myself, he didn't really care for my choice of outfits, or the lingerie wasn't just right. You get the picture.... from my view, I don't see the problem as being your wife. Men get married every day to skinny women who later become overweight, or who simply age, it happens... and yet they continue on having a fabulous sex life. In my experience, the sex life only gets better with age, even though the physical attractiveness decreases with age. So maybe consider that the problem might not be her weight. It might not be her at all. Maybe there's something else going on. And you just might want to deal with that before you lose a wonderful woman. And maybe you owe her an incredible apology, because I can't imagine how much she's hurting right now.

 

[Krissy Cakes]

Okay, thank you for answering!

Well, I'd like to offer what I hope may be a shift in perspective for you. It isn't really advice, but more a peek into the other person's mind and heart.

When I first started dating my husband, he told me quite often how beautiful I am, VERY often. I enjoyed the compliments, but as our relationship progressed, I began to have a twitch when he gave them. I started to worry. He asked my hand in marriage, and I accepted. But later that night, I put to him a question. I said, "If I were in a horrible accident that disfigured my face, would you still love me the same? If I gain 200 pounds, will you still love me the same?"

He answered yes. He told me the beauty he saw in me was on the inside, and therefore I would always be beautiful to him no matter what I looked like on the outside

So now, I ask you to shift your perspective a bit, and I have a question: Is her weight truly important enough to you that you can love her no matter what she looks like?

This is an important question. As we grow older, our looks will change. Our hair might gray, our bellies might sag, our faces might develop wrinkles. Men, and women will experience this change. This means that, while she may lose the weight, other changes may occur that don't match up with your personal preference.

Can you cope with that? My prayer is that your answer is yes. You appear to be a Godly man who is experiencing a deep struggle with your desires. But I hope to help you understand that there are qualities in your wife that are unique to just her, qualities that are worth overlooking the physical aspect.

I love this answer!

 

[Annessa3]

That's what's resonating more and more right now... contentment and what it is all about. It's been on my heart all night. Ive been praying, and will definitely be focusing on this in my prayers as I move forward. I need to really just meditate on that right now.

oh my. I just want to say that my taking Phil 4:11 to heart a few years ago..... made our lives more peaceful. But-

I already knew my husband would not change because of my wishes, only if he saw the need to change. I did not push him to change (except in the matter of his alcoholism, and that was not done in nagging fashion)

Here I am, years later, on the verge of divorce. Not initiated by me, but I'm not fighting it. It takes TWO people to communicate, It takes TWO people to Work on keeping the marriage sacred and happy.

So I have to say- there is learning to be content with what you have and allowing God's peace to rule your heart, and there is stifling your feelings and needs trying to be a loving spouse regardless of what's happening. Both are truths I live.

Had I been more strident about my needs...the marriage probably would have been over sooner. We settled into a peaceful partnership that wasn't meeting either of our needs.

I can't tell you what the lesson here is, I evidently didn't get it right. I can only tell you to keep asking God for help.

 

[CHRfreeIST]

Lazydaisy-I don't think something could bend more perfectly in a 180° manner than your comment... just saying. I have zero issues with inappropriate contentography...and I want no other woman than my wife, so infidelity is, again as perfect as 180° from truth as it can be. The issue here isn't some casual lustful desire I desire to fulfill... one poster said it earlier, a lot of the frustration comes from her telling me she's going to do it and turns around and could careless about it. I take that as what I'd imagine is a wife telling her husband to romance her more because she's lonely and his efforts are little to nonexistent.

And to answer another post from earlier, I have considered other "physical traits" that later on in life might not "meet my expectations"... I really don't see any hindering me like this one. I have however, become a lot more at peace with this through much crying out and prayer and study and repentance for allowing my honest healthy marriage lust for my wife, to overtake my thoughts and become some form of idolatry and turn my heart and desire to covetousness. I would like the honest opinion of females though. And by all means I aim to keep this as clean and mature as possible, I truly do. And ladies, please follow me in this because I will set the scenario and more than likely I will have to have followup questions. I want to paint a picture to hear your honest feelings about this.. so here goes:

We're married. For our entire marriage, oral pleasures are how you experience 100% of your climaxes during sex. One day I decide I don't want to do that anymore, just all natural. Foreplay of course will continue, as I enjoy that as much as you do. Now,after 30 minutes of awesome foreplay, your anticipation is heightened, assuming with a 45 minute foreplay session, it'd be even higher... then... I give you the best 25 seconds, 45 seconds max that I can possibly give you! Everytime, all the time. Now, the possibilities of another climax is slim to none in this scenario, good and lengthy foreplay would probably frustrate you to the max. You know I have this physical limitation, and I yearn to please you with all my heart, but that's all I can offer and because I have been able to satisfy you orally before, you really don't mind my 30 second performance because I always take care of you first, then me, but I don't want to do that anymore because for whatever reason, it makes me uncomfortable. The idea of toys makes my insecurities worse because they make me know it's the toys satisfying you, and not me. But wait... there's a pill I can take, harmless, FDA approved, the works. But I hate the idea of not only taking any form of medicine, but I have to take this pill 4 times a day, 7 days a week to go from 25 second chump, to 25 minute champ. But... I hate drugs! What then?!?!?!?!

 

[razzelflabben]

Lazydaisy-I don't think something could bend more perfectly in a 180° manner than your comment... just saying. I have zero issues with inappropriate contentography...and I want no other woman than my wife, so infidelity is, again as perfect as 180° from truth as it can be. The issue here isn't some casual lustful desire I desire to fulfill... one poster said it earlier, a lot of the frustration comes from her telling me she's going to do it and turns around and could careless about it. I take that as what I'd imagine is a wife telling her husband to romance her more because she's lonely and his efforts are little to nonexistent.

And to answer another post from earlier, I have considered other "physical traits" that later on in life might not "meet my expectations"... I really don't see any hindering me like this one. I have however, become a lot more at peace with this through much crying out and prayer and study and repentance for allowing my honest healthy marriage lust for my wife, to overtake my thoughts and become some form of idolatry and turn my heart and desire to covetousness. I would like the honest opinion of females though. And by all means I aim to keep this as clean and mature as possible, I truly do. And ladies, please follow me in this because I will set the scenario and more than likely I will have to have followup questions. I want to paint a picture to hear your honest feelings about this.. so here goes:

We're married. For our entire marriage, oral pleasures are how you experience 100% of your climaxes during sex. One day I decide I don't want to do that anymore, just all natural. Foreplay of course will continue, as I enjoy that as much as you do. Now,after 30 minutes of awesome foreplay, your anticipation is heightened, assuming with a 45 minute foreplay session, it'd be even higher... then... I give you the best 25 seconds, 45 seconds max that I can possibly give you! Everytime, all the time. Now, the possibilities of another climax is slim to none in this scenario, good and lengthy foreplay would probably frustrate you to the max. You know I have this physical limitation, and I yearn to please you with all my heart, but that's all I can offer and because I have been able to satisfy you orally before, you really don't mind my 30 second performance because I always take care of you first, then me, but I don't want to do that anymore because for whatever reason, it makes me uncomfortable. The idea of toys makes my insecurities worse because they make me know it's the toys satisfying you, and not me. But wait... there's a pill I can take, harmless, FDA approved, the works. But I hate the idea of not only taking any form of medicine, but I have to take this pill 4 times a day, 7 days a week to go from 25 second chump, to 25 minute champ. But... I hate drugs! What then?!?!?!?!

the thread had been quiet for some time and I thought we were done, then I see this, and wonder, "will anyone respond, will anyone answer" so I decide to answer so that you have at least one response, but I honestly don't understand the question you are asking, much less how it relates to the OP topic...can you clarify some of this for me, so I can follow what you want to know? thanks

 

[GoodSpeed]

How heavy is she exactly?

Honestly ... after my wife had 2 kids and gained weight ... I must be weird -- I found her more attractive -- due to how incredible I feel she is at being now a mother and having gone through that -- i.e. my respect/love has increased and I'm to the point now where I actually think I would find her PHYSICALLY attractive even if she were obese ...
I don't mean I'd just accept her -- I mean I would still find her even sexy ...

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I'm pretty sure there was a less graphic and vivid way that you could have asked this, that didn't involve the speculation/scenario where you are having sex with somebody who's not your wife, or asking women to pretend they're having sex with you... Something like "if your husband had erectile dysfunction and couldn't meet your needs sexually and didn't want to do specific things that you enjoyed, what would you do?"

However, the answer, if this was a problem and my husband said he wouldn't take the drug, I'd say "okie-dokie" and let it be, but I'd say that WE (not he) would need to make sure that WE'RE being really proactive in finding other ways to express intimacy that wouldn't make me feel insecure in our relationship or feel like I was not having a bond I previously enjoyed with him... That the issue was the physicality of it, not the emotional aspect, or an issue with the bond we had itself.

 

[CHRfreeIST]

Goodspeed - very interesting indeed. She is 5'0", 160lbs. I guess the fear of after kids kind of makes me think that won't be the case, but it is still interesting nonetheless.

Tropical - I do apologize, I'm not asking to picture me necessarily, just wanted to paint the picture to get a vivid idea in your mind stirring. So I have a couple of questions regarding your comment. So, 1) isn't stating "I'd let it be, BUT" contradictory? Because actually, you wouldn't just "let it be" because you're wanting not only you, but him to implement some other means to "keep the intimacy at a desired level for you, right? 2) why would his issue make you feel insecure when you both understand it's his physical limitation? 3)in YOU wanting to not feel insecure because of his issue, and YOU wanting the bond that YOU enjoyed with him... is it safe to say that despite his issue, you still feel a desire to make sure, for insecurities or any other reason, that your desire to be fulfilled intimately is and should be a necessity? 4) Im not sure how old you are, and without getting deep into your physical relationship, you've stated the physical is an issue... do you think, with all do respect, that physical pleasure would really stop being important to you if you guys implemented stronger emotional bonding? Could emotional intimacy really suffice, or completely take over the desires for physical pleasure?

And I think we must keep it in context that E.D. is a medical and physical problem, whereas, P.E. is a physical limitation... very key to understanding the context and distinguishing physical incapability and physical trait, not even a limitation, if you will.

 

[CHRfreeIST]

Annessa - it just saddens me to hear that because it just shouldn't be that way, you know! Especially for Christians. Yes dying to self and living to serve others does not include, specifically or necessarily, "looking good for one another, but dag... if the aim is to fulfill the desires of your spouse, I would think any reasonable request that one has the physical, medical, and health capability to do should be on the list... I mean, it's a never ending fulfulling circle that would be taking place there... I'm inquiring about your desires, serving and fulfilling your desires, as you inquire about mine, I inform you and you do the same... I mean, Hollywood didn't write that, Paul did in Phillipi!

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Tropical - I do apologize, I'm not asking to picture me necessarily, just wanted to paint the picture to get a vivid idea in your mind stirring. So I have a couple of questions regarding your comment. So, 1) isn't stating "I'd let it be, BUT" contradictory? Because actually, you wouldn't just "let it be" because you're wanting not only you, but him to implement some other means to "keep the intimacy at a desired level for you, right?

No... It means that he's made his statement about the condition and what he wants to do about it, and I'm not going to force him to change his mind. It also means that we're going to be proactive about making sure everybody's needs are still being met. And it's not a desired level of intimacy for me, it's a desired intimacy for US.

I know something like this would impact my husband as much as it did me, so I'd want to make sure he, we, were OK.

2) why would his issue make you feel insecure when you both understand it's his physical limitation?

Because if we weren't being proactive about making sure that intimacy was being maintained despite his limitation, then the change of the level in intimacy would understandably cause me, and probably him, insecurity. A physical limitation is unavoidable, but how we respond to it is a choice. If he responds by withdrawing, or I respond by berating him for it, or not doing anything about it, or if I withdraw, or he things I'm not truly getting him, or if we otherwise allow issues to fester, then it's going to create a level of insecurity.

3)in YOU wanting to not feel insecure because of his issue, and YOU wanting the bond that YOU enjoyed with him... is it safe to say that despite his issue, you still feel a desire to make sure, for insecurities or any other reason, that your desire to be fulfilled intimately is and should be a necessity?

You keep turning this into a me vs him issue. It's an us, issue. I don't want US to feel insecure, I don't want US losing the bond that WE enjoyed.

4) Im not sure how old you are, and without getting deep into your physical relationship, you've stated the physical is an issue... do you think, with all do respect, that physical pleasure would really stop being important to you if you guys implemented stronger emotional bonding? Could emotional intimacy really suffice, or completely take over the desires for physical pleasure?

We've had periods of prolonged abstinence before. He goes away, I go away, our schedules are opposite, somebody is sick... I have a medical condition that I always have to contend with. If sex was really just a physical thing, then no, I guess it wouldn't be enough. But we weren't dumb enough to marry based on sex. Sex is an expression of intimacy and when we can't have the physical expression, we take steps to make sure that intimacy is being expressed different ways. I mean, let's be honest, if it's about the physical and you can't take not having physical sex with your spouse because you need the release... First off, you don't get what marriage is about, and second, the physical aspect can always be resolved regardless of your partner's availability.

Would it be difficult? Sure. Would it be insurmountable? No. Does that mean I'd start harassing him about taking a pill he doesn't want to take? No.

And I think we must keep it in context that E.D. is a medical and physical problem, whereas, P.E. is a physical limitation... very key to understanding the context and distinguishing physical incapability and physical trait, not even a limitation, if you will.

It doesn't matter one way or the other.

Listen, I know what you're trying to do here... You're trying to show us through reverse scenarios that your wife's weight is the same as a physical issue. Instead of creating false scenarios about an actual physical ailment, which is honestly very different then the situation you have (it's not so much a physical ailment as you don't like it... It's a turn off), you should just draw the lateral comparison... Though I suspect the reason you don't is because you know the women here would say that if their husband gained weight, they wouldn't care to a point where they would demand, and subsequently police their spouse's weight loss.

Again, truth be told, when my husband and I met, I was just under 200 pounds. He said I was beautiful. I lost the weight, hit about 130. He said I was beautiful. Now I'm 155, he says daily that I'm beautiful. His treatment of me doesn't change, nor has it ever in the history of our relationship, because of my weight.

In this scenario you gave, you'd be the one pressuring your wife to take the pill she didn't want to take, because the benefits it provoked would suit your needs.

 

[CHRfreeIST]

So in your first statement, you're saying "you want to make sure everybodys needs are being met, so, given his physical limitation, you're still requesting some sort of either different or more or variation of a level of intimacy that meets your needs correct?

If I understand answer 2, is it safe to say that his response, actions, and/or attitudes toward his issues can directly affect the way you respond, react, and influence your attitudes?

Regarding answer 4, I never stated you or anybody was forcing anybody to do anything, but your defense to that argument is very interesting to see... because all I wanted to point out is that even if there is some sort of lack, you, only you, I understand him as well, but focusing on you, you would desire that your need/want for intimacy be met in other ways, is that not correct?

As far as the last statement, it's all up to interpretation. There is no intent to compare the same situations, but you most certainly can because they are the same. P.E. is not an ailment, nor is it any more of a condition than being overweight.

 

[razzelflabben]

So in your first statement, you're saying "you want to make sure everybodys needs are being met, so, given his physical limitation, you're still requesting some sort of either different or more or variation of a level of intimacy that meets your needs correct?

If I understand answer 2, is it safe to say that his response, actions, and/or attitudes toward his issues can directly affect the way you respond, react, and influence your attitudes?

Regarding answer 4, I never stated you or anybody was forcing anybody to do anything, but your defense to that argument is very interesting to see... because all I wanted to point out is that even if there is some sort of lack, you, only you, I understand him as well, but focusing on you, you would desire that your need/want for intimacy be met in other ways, is that not correct?

As far as the last statement, it's all up to interpretation. There is no intent to compare the same situations, but you most certainly can because they are the same. P.E. is not an ailment, nor is it any more of a condition than being overweight.

oh, I get the intent of your question now, at least as it applies to the OP topic....you think that if the man has ED that it is equivalent to the wife gaining weight and not wanting to go to extremes to loose it for you....well, first off, that is apples and oranges...secondly, if my husband had ED and I wasn't being satisfied, we would talk about options, talk about the pros and cons of all possibles, then, because of who I am, I would tell him my desires and leave the final decision up to him being that it is his body, no problem. I love him for who he is, I want to stay with him because of who he is, not because we can have sex without anyone judging us. Now, if we are to apply that to the OP discussion, which again, is apples and oranges, what would be parallel is for you as the husband to discuss with the wife all the options, then quietly allow her to make her own choice. One of the differences between apples and oranges is accountability, which could be an option that would allow both of you to be working toward the same goal, but that is a different discussion, and since so far, you don't believe me when I tell you that when your focus is on the one you love, not on the one that turns you on, it changes your desires, I'm pretty sure nothing I say here will even be addressed, much less actually heard.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

So in your first statement, you're saying "you want to make sure everybodys needs are being met, so, given his physical limitation, you're still requesting some sort of either different or more or variation of a level of intimacy that meets your needs correct?

You. Are. Not. Reading. I'm not requesting anything. I'm saying, with this change, we need to make sure the lines of communication need to be open so that if this change causes problems in OUR relationship, we can talk about it and see what we can do about it. I'm not requesting him to do anything for me. I'd kind of be the worst wife ever if I told my husband because of his medical issue "Hey, this is what you're going to have to do for me now that you're not going to be able to do what I wanted before."

If I understand answer 2, is it safe to say that his response, actions, and/or attitudes toward his issues can directly affect the way you respond, react, and influence your attitudes?

His attitude can of course my attitude, and vice versa. Like if he came to me and told me that he had this problem and he didn't take the pill, and I said that we needed to figure out what he was going to do to make his ailment less of a burden on me and my wants from him... Then I responded if he wasn't going to do what I want, then I was going to take the next step in treating him a way he didn't want, and/or denying intimacy all together... Then the issue isn't about the physical problem... It's about our terrible communication, me teaching my spouse that my love is conditional, and that I wasn't willing to give even a tiny bit for him because I was unwilling to put him first.

Regarding answer 4, I never stated you or anybody was forcing anybody to do anything, but your defense to that argument is very interesting to see... because all I wanted to point out is that even if there is some sort of lack, you, only you, I understand him as well, but focusing on you, you would desire that your need/want for intimacy be met in other ways, is that not correct?

I honestly think this is where your breakdown with your wife exists. When somebody says "us," you see it only as one. I was very clear and I said repeatedly, us, we, together... And you're changing that to mean only me... And a little of him... But really focusing on me. I'm very clearly not talking about me, I'm talking about us.

As far as the last statement, it's all up to interpretation. There is no intent to compare the same situations, but you most certainly can because they are the same. P.E. is not an ailment, nor is it any more of a condition than being overweight.

Ok, so I don't believe for a second that you had no intent to compare them because the story was hypothetical (unless there's an added layer of complication to your issue in that you have a sexual issue), completely unrelated to the original topic, and because you readily had available a reason for why the two were the same.

Especially since PE is an ailment, possibly physical or psychological, and the reasons for weight gain can also be physical ailments or psychological, or could be the side effects of either/or.

 

[CHRfreeIST]

"I'm not requesting anything", "I'm not requesting him to do anything for me",

REQUEST-1. To express a desire for; ask for. 2. To ask (a person) to do something

"We can talk about it and see what we can do about it." - looks like some requesting going on.

As far as comparing the two scenarios, my intent is not to compare the two as you were stating that "in this scenario I would be the wife forcing him to take the pill", no, it is in comparison, in the sense, that your responses are very similar to mine, which is my whole point in this, to gauge your reactions. My approach in many areas of this have been wrong, I know, but your reactions, requests, thoughts regarding this are very similar... and I'll explain as we keep discussing.

My number one intriguing factor with you is the fact that you somehow included him in this scenario as wanting to "do something about it." Your first reaction was to request, as we have learned the definition thereof, and I never painted that as part of the picture. But your first reaction was, loosely paraphrased, "that's fine BUT WE have to talk and see what WE can do about this." What if his demeanor is, " well... love me anyhow. I am giving you mental pleasures via foreplay, what more do I owe you? Why can't you just be satisfied with the time I can give you?" If that is his response to you, and his attitude toward it... biblically, he's not wrong. So do you drop it, and be okay with that? Why or why not?

Just stick to the scenario, it will probably build as we discuss more in depth, but don't "compare" or think "I'm trying to corner you", I really want to just gauge your reactions, thoughts, etc., on this scenario only.

And yes, I am saying that P.E. and weight are similar. I should have worded that last part to say PE is no more of an ailment or condition than being overweight can be an ailment or condition, or, just be a sensitivity issue or a lazy issue.

 

[razzelflabben]

"I'm not requesting anything", "I'm not requesting him to do anything for me",

REQUEST-1. To express a desire for; ask for. 2. To ask (a person) to do something

"We can talk about it and see what we can do about it." - looks like some requesting going on.

As far as comparing the two scenarios, my intent is not to compare the two as you were stating that "in this scenario I would be the wife forcing him to take the pill", no, it is in comparison, in the sense, that your responses are very similar to mine, which is my whole point in this, to gauge your reactions. My approach in many areas of this have been wrong, I know, but your reactions, requests, thoughts regarding this are very similar... and I'll explain as we keep discussing.

My number one intriguing factor with you is the fact that you somehow included him in this scenario as wanting to "do something about it." Your first reaction was to request, as we have learned the definition thereof, and I never painted that as part of the picture. But your first reaction was, loosely paraphrased, "that's fine BUT WE have to talk and see what WE can do about this." What if his demeanor is, " well... love me anyhow. I am giving you mental pleasures via foreplay, what more do I owe you? Why can't you just be satisfied with the time I can give you?" If that is his response to you, and his attitude toward it... biblically, he's not wrong. So do you drop it, and be okay with that? Why or why not?

Just stick to the scenario, it will probably build as we discuss more in depth, but don't "compare" or think "I'm trying to corner you", I really want to just gauge your reactions, thoughts, etc., on this scenario only.

And yes, I am saying that P.E. and weight are similar. I should have worded that last part to say PE is no more of an ailment or condition than being overweight can be an ailment or condition, or, just be a sensitivity issue or a lazy issue.

I realize you don't want to engage me in this discussion, but...I already answered the question and it wasn't what you wanted to hear. After discussion, looking at the pros and cons, talking about feelings, etc. everything that goes into the painfully honest communication of marriage, I would leave the choice up to him. I married my husband for who he is, not for the sexual relationship we would have. I still love him for who He is, not for the sexual relationship we do or do not have.

True story, because of the stress of my husbands job situation, there was a period of time in which he rarely and mean rarely wanted to have sex. I was a frustrated woman to say the least. When I would instigate something, he would not be able to preform. We talked, we discussed options, what was causing it, how to deal with it, etc. In the end, I left it up to him, just like I responded that I would. I loved him just the same, maybe even more, because I knew there was a struggle in there for him, a struggle I needed to be there to help him through. He now has a different job, and our bedroom time is back to where it should be, took several years to get there, and lots of sexual frustrations, but we are there, and closer than ever, because we 1. worked it out with mutual love, and 2. endured to the end with love.

But, the OP was talking about sexual desire, not enduring, sexual desire is for any type if you are seeing with the eyes of the spirit rather than the eyes of the lusts of the flesh. I already showed that in our relationship and you blew me off. When we see with the eyes of love, not the lusts of the flesh, we are attracted sexually to the object of our love, rather than to appears of who we want them to remain.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

"I'm not requesting anything", "I'm not requesting him to do anything for me",

REQUEST-1. To express a desire for; ask for. 2. To ask (a person) to do something

I'm not sure if you're trying to be demeaning or if it's just working out that way, but believe-it-or-not, I know what the word "request" means.

"We can talk about it and see what we can do about it." - looks like some requesting going on.

Not by any definition, including the one you provided, has a request been made in that statement. I said that we can talk about it, which honestly, considering my husband and I talk at great length, would happen naturally, and if there's an issue then we, he and I, work together to see what we can do about it. Maybe something, maybe nothing. Depends on what WE say. If it's a problem for me and not for him, then I have to figure out what I have to do to adjust my attitude because, after all, this is his condition not mine. If he's OK with it and it's his body, I have no right to be not OK with it. Again, nobody made any demand here.

As far as comparing the two scenarios, my intent is not to compare the two as you were stating that "in this scenario I would be the wife forcing him to take the pill", no, it is in comparison, in the sense, that your responses are very similar to mine, which is my whole point in this, to gauge your reactions. My approach in many areas of this have been wrong, I know, but your reactions, requests, thoughts regarding this are very similar... and I'll explain as we keep discussing.

Our responses are nothing at all the same. I swear, I'm starting to wonder if something is happening to posts where they appear entirely differently for you then how I type them.

In this concocted scenario, I'd say that if he doesn't want to take the stupid pill, he shouldn't and we just need to be aware how, and if, this new dynamic changes our marital relationship for either the good or the bad, and work together to make sure everybody is still happy and having their needs for intimacy fulfilled.

In your real scenario, your wife, who was petite, gained weight. As a result of her weight gain, you're not attracted to her anymore and have made various demands for her to lose the weight so that you will find her attractive again, with no success. Your behavior with her on the issue has ranged from "supportive" to antagonistic, and you've turned her "issue" or physical condition into your problem because you're no longer getting from her what you wanted.

How is that at all the same?

My number one intriguing factor with you is the fact that you somehow included him in this scenario as wanting to "do something about it."

It shouldn't be strange or intriguing that as the result of an issue that impacts the marriage, I've included him in the dialogue of what we're going to do about it... It's his body, our marriage. At the very least, out of support for him, hearing what he has to say about it is not only vitally important, it's what a spouse is supposed to do. If he told me he was fine with it, it didn't bother him, he didn't want to take the pill and he was OK with it, then I'd say "fine and dandy" and go about my life. Then, as part of our normal discussion, if we noticed one, the other, or both were feeling less fulfilled with the level of intimacy, we'd talk about it and work on a solution together.

Your first reaction was to request, as we have learned the definition thereof, and I never painted that as part of the picture.

I, at no time, made a request. By the definition you provided, or by any other definition. You want to see one, I think, because I think you want to see it as normal to make requests and demands of a spouse simply based on the fact that they're not meeting your needs.

But your first reaction was, loosely paraphrased, "that's fine BUT WE have to talk and see what WE can do about this." What if his demeanor is, " well... love me anyhow. I am giving you mental pleasures via foreplay, what more do I owe you? Why can't you just be satisfied with the time I can give you?" If that is his response to you, and his attitude toward it... biblically, he's not wrong. So do you drop it, and be okay with that? Why or why not?

First off, if he talked to me like that, I'd know right off the bat that it was a sensitive subject for him, and I'm not about to make it more sensitive by making him think I have my own demands/expectations on him. If he said that, I'd say "I will love you no matter what, you know that. I just want us to be happy and I want to make sure that you're OK and we're OK. This isn't a confrontation, it's just me wanting to make sure that you truly are OK. If at any point it stops being OK, then we can talk about it and deal with it, but let's promise that we talk about it early and deal with it together." And that would be the end of it. Because, in all honesty and sincerity, if he's OK, then I'm OK. I didn't marry him for sex and [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], so if that aspect of our marital dynamic changed, it wouldn't be the end of he world, the end of our marriage, and it wouldn't cause me to question my relationship because he's not "performing" as he once did. I'm certainly not going to berate him over his condition, remind him that he used to be better (if it's true or not), and remind him that he's not the same person sexually to me that he once was.

And if, at some point, there was an issue... For either of us... Then we'd talk about it.

Just stick to the scenario, it will probably build as we discuss more in depth, but don't "compare" or think "I'm trying to corner you", I really want to just gauge your reactions, thoughts, etc., on this scenario only.

I did stick to the scenario, but because my solution wasn't the solution you wanted, you changed the dynamics. And you most certainly are trying to corner me, as is evidenced by your insisting I'm saying things I'm not, re-framing the discussion to get the answer you want, and constantly harping on it when it doesn't vindicate your very flawed stance on the subject of your wife's weight.

And yes, I am saying that P.E. and weight are similar. I should have worded that last part to say PE is no more of an ailment or condition than being overweight can be an ailment or condition, or, just be a sensitivity issue or a lazy issue.

PE is hardly an issue of laziness or sensitivity. It can be a sign of an uncontrollable illness, an emotional condition, a mental condition, or simply a state of being in a man. Then again, being overweight isn't necessarily a sensitivity issue or an issue of laziness either, and on behalf of your wife, shame on you for thinking that about either her, or anybody who is overweight. It's that kind of attitude that I'm sure feeds into her refusal to listen to you on the subject, much less do what you want her to do.

I mean geez... I have a heart condition that's affected me my whole life. Sometimes, when I'm on a downswing, it means that everything from my fibromyalgia to migraines have flared up, debilitating circulatory issues where I can't walk, and I sleep for 12, 13, 14, sometimes 18 hours a day. At times and to some extent, the problems can be prevented with regular, fairly vigorous exercise. So if I get sick and therefore am unavailable sexually, by your rationale, if my husband was upset about it, it'd be my fault and I could be berated for not doing what I need to do to keep in line, with medications or exercise, so that I could be more available sexually to my spouse.

 

[GoodSpeed]

Goodspeed - very interesting indeed. She is 5'0", 160lbs. I guess the fear of after kids kind of makes me think that won't be the case, but it is still interesting nonetheless.

Ok ... well I think/suspect what is bothering you is that it doesn't seem like she is willing to put the effort in to work on this - so she places a different value on her weight/appearance than you do ...

Maybe this is what frustrates you and affects your feelings towards her - which also affects your attraction.
One tidbit of advice (this isn't the answer but part of it) -- try to get rid of the belief that she has got to look like women we see in magazines, or younger women (like typical 18 year olds are often slim). Women aren't usually going to be able to stay the same size as they were in high school/college ... I'm just saying try not to compare her to that ...
TV, magazines, and women that are dressing provactive set the bar to an unrealistic standard for 80% of women out there (and those 80% can make a man very happy my friend )

By the way I CAN relate to your story as I dated a woman for several years a long time ago and I had the same 'concern'. She told me (much like your wife is secure in her marriage) that she felt secure enough with me that she didn't need to 'worry' about her appearance like she used to ... I was feeling like -- ok I'm not asking you to worry about it but to take pride in your appearance and feel good about yourself -- like so -- you stayed slim so we would initially be attractive, and once that has occured, you don't want to look good any longer?!? -- this part right here is where I believe your 'resentment' is coming from - especially whereas you are married and at the time we didn't even have that commitment.

So I felt allot like you. In the end she really just didn't feel that appearance was worth it to watch what she ate or exercise - to put the effort in to maintain or reduce her weight. (She was about 5'-4" 160ish when we met and close to 200lbs eventually). It was this difference in values that really affected our relationship more than her exact size/weight ...

I guess the reason why I just don't care about the size of my wife is that I know she tries and cares about her appearance - she would be more upset than I at gaining weight ... so it isn't the actual weight that (for me) is bothersome rather the lack of caring about appearance ...

 

[dh788]

It can always be worse, my husband is obese and doesn't care. But we don't get along in most other ways either. I think if weight gain is the only issue in the marriage then it's going pretty well?

 

[CHRfreeIST]

Razzle - I'm sorry, I'm not excluding you at all, I just saw your post. I will say this about it, there is no question to be answered, so don't say I'm not getting the answer that I want, what I'm not getting is simple reactionary responses. Which brings me to Tropical.

Tropical - the experiment has become so twisted, I'm not about to waste time unraveling what just took place in your last comment. You have to stop thinking about the way your husband 'is' and respond to the husband that I painted. There is a reason that you cannot think of the real him. You're responding with thoughts of the real him in a fake scenario and you can't do that. All you have to do is read the scenario, respond naturally as to your reactions, concerns, responses, questions, feelings, etc. toward the husband on your screen. You can't mix the two husbands... your real one and this one. Yes, picture the painted husband as your own, but not your actual husband. You're saying things like, "well, you're saying this, and my husband would never because of that, and my husband and I do this, so naturally that," and so on, when the objective is to look at the husband on the screen and say, "ok... if 'this guy' is my husband, then this or that would make me feel, respond, ask this/that," etc....does that make sense?

Goodspeed - this is precisely what has 85% of my "feelings" associated with this whole ordeal, on lock! I keep trying to explain, which in parallel to your statement, I made back some pages ago, that yes, I want to be sexually attracted to my wife, but what has caused the bitterness and frustration is her attitude toward it... like, "wow... can you care a bit please!"

Dh788 - trust me, after this, I don't ever look at anybody's "marital issues/problems" as minuscule or irrelevant anymore, so no offense taken because I know although it can be worse elsewhere, bottom line, just because your hurt is yellow and looks like a building, and mine is black and looks like a door... hurt is hurt, and hurt is garbage... and I'm very saddened that both of you guys are living that reality... I am truly saddened about that! Will definitely be prayerful for you guys.