So Bitter and Resentful... I'm numb to my wife!

[CHRfreeIST]

Hello all, new to the forum. So glad I can finally lay this out to someone, as I have been praying about this for sometime now and I just dont know anybody I can talk to about this because everyone I know can not relate! Been married for 10 years now and what it boils down to, at first it strictly was the fact that my wife had gained a lot of weight, but the more and more days that go by, its the mentality and attitude towards my desire. For instance, I truly believe as spouses, partners, friends, lovers... if we spend our time serving and fulfilling the needs and wants and desires of our spouses, then we would never lack fulfillment, in that sense. I mean, it was to the point that I agreed to let her take 2 years off of work to lose 45lbs... 2 years 4 months later.... same attitude, same mentality, and only 10 lbs lighter!

Now, mentality wise I say that holds more weight than actually losing the weight because her mentality is that she doesn't owe me that... our vows do not include such things, only to love, be loyal, be faithful, thru thick and thin. I guess I feel so bitter towards her because once I saw that explanation throughout her living style and mentality I just thought to myself, "wow... I am down to be whoever and do whatever for this woman... and she is not prepared to do the same for me... and now Im stuck!" Mind you, God already hit me with the most hard hitting truth and challenge by bringing me one day to the classic verse John 15:13... more importantly than dying for our friend, He asked me, "if your're down for her like that, are you willing to forget about that and live like that for her?" Stopped me in my tracks yall!

So, Im really just in need of some people who have been here or are here, like I said, NOBODY I know can relate to me! My whole thing is, and I told her this in one of our late night chat sessions... btw, other than this, we have an awesome relationship, this does not affect my love for her at all and Ive expressed that, anyway, I told her, "look... God challenged me to accept you for you... so I am going to love you, care for you, protect you, provide for you and be here for you... but I want you to know romance and intimacy might not be there." Without going into great detail, that was the just, she said she understood, and asked what I wanted from her and I told her, " act like you care about my desire..." But here's my thing... how can one expect me to be physically attracted to a body type that Im just not physically attracted to?!?!? I mean, people will try to paint that as shallow but really... you can the coolest person on earth, and we cam hang out all day every day, but if you're not within a certain weight range, I am sorry... and its not a sorry "you don't qualify", it's a "sorry... you do nothing for me physically... and therefore romance and intimacy could never happen on that level..." it is what it is! I feel stuck, helpless, exhausted, frustrated, bitter, angry... case in point, and this is my last point in this intro... and her word means ABSOLUTELY nothing to me for this reason right here because it's the same garbage that's been happening since 2007! Im lying in bed sick today, she comes home from work and tells me, "hey... how are you feeling, yada yada yada" all the normal "welcome home stuff, the she says, "I have to go to this HOA meeting, meet with a new managent company then go to the gym at 6." I just nod like, "yah... we'll see", but I play it off because I don't want her to think I don't "believe in her"... and she kisses me and leaves. This was at 430pm... it's 845pm, she just got back from her friends house and is about to go hang with another friend! That right there, coupled with the fact that of the 5 days this week, she's been to the gym once, is what eggs on the bitterness... she could careless and the mediocrity she shows toward that is the same mediocrity Im now expressing in romance and intimacy... and not on purpose, I think Im just done! I told God that I was done feeling the bitterness and anger towards her regarding that... this was about 1 month ago... and I've been feeling numb ever since!

Sorry if that was long winded and all over the place, but this is 2+ years of feelings that I feel I can finally relate to a human being

 

[blessedmomof5]

Hello and welcome.

I was myself filled with bitterness and rage for my husband, but for alot more reasons then what you describe, and worse.

But we had a couple in our community group offer to be our mentors, and we meet once a week, and although God is working in our marriage now looking back we did not invite him to be the center of it!


There were a few things you said or maybe didnt say that had me wondering where you are in this?

" 2 years and only 10 lbs" but in those "2" years what were you doing?

It's like you put conditions on your love because if you look at your sentence you say you'll do all this love, care....... BUT...... The condition....


See when Jesus died for me and YOU and your wife, it was FINISHED!

No more living under the law, they put heavy burdens on people.... They think they cant live up to it.... They condemn.

That why Jesus says take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart., and you will find rest for your souls. My yoke is easy and my burden is light

I am Praying for you both. And hope to hear back.
God Bless

 

[CHRfreeIST]

Well, we had to work out the kinks on the approach in those two years but for the latter 12-15 months I finally woke up and realized what I was doing and just became her support.

When I first started it was like boot camp... I was very tough regimen wise and just "do This, stop complaining and I don't want any excuses! Then I switched up to overly nice and passive. Then she told me the exact same thing and felt my love was conditional and I had to explain my love had or has nothing to do with that... but that's what she felt like so I switched up to just a support beam. I no longer "told" her what she should do only suggested or asked her in ways that would make her think about it herself. But the bitterness and disgust, toward her attitude toward all of this, never really left because ever since then, those latter 12-15 months have been me watching her care less about this, offer half effort attempts toward this and still expects "love" to "look" the same and it cant. I can love her all day but sitting back and watching her every move like I'm her babysitter and parent... ugh, it's too much! And the result of her doing it on her own, 1 day at the gym this week, of the 4 she told me that she would do, and again, I no longer get mad at that but I know she sees it in my quietness, distance, demeanor, etc. I'm just tired of having to be her babysitter and we're two grown adults. I also told her when I told her about love can be present but no intimacy, that she's going to have to want to do this for her own sake first. About a year ago our Pastor were counseling us for a month or so and He had mentioned that but at the time I disagreed, but I fully comprehend it now... if a person doesn't want to do something hard and difficult for themselves first, they probably will extend half-hearted efforts like I am seeing now.

 

[motherprayer]

Id like to ask a very personal and honest question, and I don't want to come off wrong, so I'm going to preface it by saying I am asking in a genuine attempt to understand.

Is there anything else about your wife that you love besides the way she looked when you got married?

 

[CHRfreeIST]

Motherprayer, by no means will I be offended by anything anyone asks, Im actually glad to see people responding and asking questions as opposed to just pointing fingers.

I welcome all questions because I need to get passed this!

When I first saw my wife, she performed in a talent show at my church so off the bat, she was gorgeous and could sing, and physically met every desire I wanted in my wife. We were 15 @ the time but I knew with all of those physical traits met I had to know her. FFWD to 18 years old when we met again and got together, and I was introduced to her personality, charm, humor, ambition, and one thing that we click together so well on is our business sense and frame of mind. How we can "successfully" do life, we bond and and mesh and dream and plan and execute so well together on that, I love that aspect about her. Honestly motherprayer, its the whole attitude that she doesn't owe me that and her half-hearted efforts toward that is what disgusts me. Bottom line, if you're physically capable and what's being requested isn't outrageous, I think we all should be willing to do whatever it is our spouse desires of us... qwerk, weird, stupid, etc... Im down to do whatever it takes physically for her, after all, physical attraction on average is the number one thing that draws us into the beginnings of any relationship, and she's clearly expressed she doesn't feel the same... that hurts!

 

[DZoolander]

Dunno what you're looking for here - advice on whether or not your perceptions are valid - or advice on how to deal with it.

As for whether or not your feelings are valid - I think they are. People are attracted to what they're attracted to - and I think a GREAT amount of what people find attractive boils down to the physical. If you'd wanted a big girl, you'd have picked one out and married her. They're not really hard to come by. Odds are you avoided them for a reason - yet lo and behold - ya got one anyhow and now you're resentful about it.

People will talk to you about "what about when she gets older? What about when she ages? What about when you age? Are you always going to expect perfection?" blah blah. That's a bunch of nonsense. Let the effects of age come when they come. Until then - do the best with what you have. Let your wife be a fine specimen for a 40 year old when she gets there. Let her be a fine specimen for a 60 year old when she gets there (and you do the same). On the same token - let her be a fine specimen for a 30 year old as well (which it appears you're at now).

Excusing present gluttony and sloth on the future effects of aging is just stupid, IMHO.

So - is it valid to think that way? Yeah. But - one thing I would caution you on is degree. Like - if your wife is 5'6" and weighs 150 lbs and you'd rather be seeing a 120 lb girl - then I think you're probably a little overboard. If your wife is 5'6" and weighs 220 or so - and you're only hoping to get her down to 190 - then it's another thing atogether...lol

As for how to deal with it - apart from telling her how much it means to you - you really can't. Any sort of change in a person's life has to come from within. She has to want to. If she doesn't, good luck with that.

 

[razzelflabben]

Hello all, new to the forum. So glad I can finally lay this out to someone, as I have been praying about this for sometime now and I just dont know anybody I can talk to about this because everyone I know can not relate! Been married for 10 years now and what it boils down to, at first it strictly was the fact that my wife had gained a lot of weight, but the more and more days that go by, its the mentality and attitude towards my desire. For instance, I truly believe as spouses, partners, friends, lovers... if we spend our time serving and fulfilling the needs and wants and desires of our spouses, then we would never lack fulfillment, in that sense. I mean, it was to the point that I agreed to let her take 2 years off of work to lose 45lbs... 2 years 4 months later.... same attitude, same mentality, and only 10 lbs lighter!

Now, mentality wise I say that holds more weight than actually losing the weight because her mentality is that she doesn't owe me that... our vows do not include such things, only to love, be loyal, be faithful, thru thick and thin. I guess I feel so bitter towards her because once I saw that explanation throughout her living style and mentality I just thought to myself, "wow... I am down to be whoever and do whatever for this woman... and she is not prepared to do the same for me... and now Im stuck!" Mind you, God already hit me with the most hard hitting truth and challenge by bringing me one day to the classic verse John 15:13... more importantly than dying for our friend, He asked me, "if your're down for her like that, are you willing to forget about that and live like that for her?" Stopped me in my tracks yall!

So, Im really just in need of some people who have been here or are here, like I said, NOBODY I know can relate to me! My whole thing is, and I told her this in one of our late night chat sessions... btw, other than this, we have an awesome relationship, this does not affect my love for her at all and Ive expressed that, anyway, I told her, "look... God challenged me to accept you for you... so I am going to love you, care for you, protect you, provide for you and be here for you... but I want you to know romance and intimacy might not be there." Without going into great detail, that was the just, she said she understood, and asked what I wanted from her and I told her, " act like you care about my desire..." But here's my thing... how can one expect me to be physically attracted to a body type that Im just not physically attracted to?!?!? I mean, people will try to paint that as shallow but really... you can the coolest person on earth, and we cam hang out all day every day, but if you're not within a certain weight range, I am sorry... and its not a sorry "you don't qualify", it's a "sorry... you do nothing for me physically... and therefore romance and intimacy could never happen on that level..." it is what it is! I feel stuck, helpless, exhausted, frustrated, bitter, angry... case in point, and this is my last point in this intro... and her word means ABSOLUTELY nothing to me for this reason right here because it's the same garbage that's been happening since 2007! Im lying in bed sick today, she comes home from work and tells me, "hey... how are you feeling, yada yada yada" all the normal "welcome home stuff, the she says, "I have to go to this HOA meeting, meet with a new managent company then go to the gym at 6." I just nod like, "yah... we'll see", but I play it off because I don't want her to think I don't "believe in her"... and she kisses me and leaves. This was at 430pm... it's 845pm, she just got back from her friends house and is about to go hang with another friend! That right there, coupled with the fact that of the 5 days this week, she's been to the gym once, is what eggs on the bitterness... she could careless and the mediocrity she shows toward that is the same mediocrity Im now expressing in romance and intimacy... and not on purpose, I think Im just done! I told God that I was done feeling the bitterness and anger towards her regarding that... this was about 1 month ago... and I've been feeling numb ever since!

Sorry if that was long winded and all over the place, but this is 2+ years of feelings that I feel I can finally relate to a human being

I have been studying biblical love as it applies to marriage for a while now, and from what you say here, you both need to learn to conform to the biblical ideas of marriage, things like common goal, purpose for the marriage, etc. Just my two cents

 

[motherprayer]

Okay, thank you for answering!

Well, I'd like to offer what I hope may be a shift in perspective for you. It isn't really advice, but more a peek into the other person's mind and heart.

When I first started dating my husband, he told me quite often how beautiful I am, VERY often. I enjoyed the compliments, but as our relationship progressed, I began to have a twitch when he gave them. I started to worry. He asked my hand in marriage, and I accepted. But later that night, I put to him a question. I said, "If I were in a horrible accident that disfigured my face, would you still love me the same? If I gain 200 pounds, will you still love me the same?"

He answered yes. He told me the beauty he saw in me was on the inside, and therefore I would always be beautiful to him no matter what I looked like on the outside

So now, I ask you to shift your perspective a bit, and I have a question: Is her weight truly important enough to you that you can love her no matter what she looks like?

This is an important question. As we grow older, our looks will change. Our hair might gray, our bellies might sag, our faces might develop wrinkles. Men, and women will experience this change. This means that, while she may lose the weight, other changes may occur that don't match up with your personal preference.

Can you cope with that? My prayer is that your answer is yes. You appear to be a Godly man who is experiencing a deep struggle with your desires. But I hope to help you understand that there are qualities in your wife that are unique to just her, qualities that are worth overlooking the physical aspect.

 

[Green Scottie]

I just thought to myself, "wow... I am down to be whoever and do whatever for this woman... and she is not prepared to do the same for me... and now Im stuck!"

So, you made a pact (that you never told you wife about), and now your upset that she isn't keeping up her end of the bargain (that she never agreed to in the first place). Does that pretty much sum it up?

I'm sympathetic to people trying to lose weight. I'm not sympathetic to those that view overweight people as gluttons, sloths, or undisciplined. Who, if they would just apply themselves, could shed all that extra weight.

Horse hockey. Dieters are some of the most disciplined people in the world. They live in a constant state of hunger (a form of pain).

The truth is, they don't lose weight, because they don't know how. Traditional dieting methods (calorie restriction and exercise) have a 95% failure rate--95%. I'm sorry, but when something doesn't work 95% of the time, it's not because people are "undisciplined." The problem lies in the process itself.

After a decade plus of trying to lose weight (and trying every diet plan along the way) I finally had a breakthrough last year. Going from 265 to 225 in 8 months.

Get Gary Taubes' book "Why We Get Fat." Follow the diet plan in the back. It's basically a low carb plan, but the book does a good job of explaining why this approach works (and why calorie restriction fails so often).

You can also watch "Fat Head" (it's watch it now on Netflix). It also does a good job of explaining (with humor) why this approach works.

And for God's sake, quit thinking of your wife as slovenly and undisciplined. She, like most other people, doesn't really know how to lose weight.

 

[Handmaid for Jesus]

I have a couple of questions. Has she had children? Baby fat is the worst fat to lose.Have you ever seen the movie Fireproof? I think it may be on netflix or youtube.

 

[CHRfreeIST]

Ezoolander- I guess I'm just interested in hearing what other Christians have to say. Mainly because none of my friends can relate and I really don't want to put my wife out there in front of anybody at church. But I will say this, what you said is precisely what I want to hear opinions on... it seems like it's just my "wiring", and I hate to use that cliche', but it is, and I feel like, with no regard to my love, how can I be held for anything regarding what is attractive to me. And I will say I do agree about the measurements, and just so you guys know it is not anything outrageous... she's 5'0“ and 168 lbs... when we met she was 105lbs... when she got to the 120-125 range, she was perfect. So, I feel you 100% about not being able to say anything to her after I've expressed it... I now completely understand that if she doesn't want to first do it because she wants to, very little will happen because of my attitudes, anger, frustration, etc... and I think the result of not wanting to feel any way about it when she blatantly shows me she could care less is the numbness.

Razzelflabben- can you elaborate more on your comment, as it pertains to how my issues play a part? As far as goals, plans, purpose, etc, Biblical wise, I mean, we both agree that I should lead prayer, study, find us a home to worship at, etc... so what exactly are you saying so I understand fully?

Morherprayer- I completely feel where you're coming from, and yeah I know with time and age thing will change, I get that, but it's more like what ezoolander is stating, we're 30, with no kids mind you... can i enjoy it while there's a chance to enjoy it because the only reason I'm not enjoying it is because of the slothfulness and blatant disregard for it... she could care lesa to follow through with any part of this and it irks me when one day she's motivated and in my face telling me she's going to handle her business because she doesn't want to be unattractive to me, then throughout the week making no effort to maintain any plan... giving 20% at best!!! And it's suppose to be all love and hugs and romance on my part?!?!?!

Green Scottie- what agreement/pact are you referring to, the 2 years to lose it, because we both agreed to that? And as far as Fatheads I will check that out. I would however like to state it is laziness to want to put in the work that she does know is requires to lose it, she will admit this herself. And I have to disagree with her discipline... she has none! Trust me when I say this... grant it her personality is not one that enjoys routine per say, but it lacks discipline to persevere through anything that is difficult physically because she's lazy. She was "perfect" growing up, had to put in NO work at all as a teen and it shaped her mind a certain way... and all this, she will tell you from her mouth. This is why it's difficult for her, 1) she's lazy (in regards to hard physical work) and spoiled, 2) she could care less about the situation, 3) she undisciplined to follow any regimens longer than a week, period!

Handmaid for Jesus- no kids yet. And I have seen that movie, and I'll say this with such humility and hopefully in a way that doesn't make me seem like a complete jerk, my thing is, if you have an attitude flaw or nature flaw or perception flaw or whatever, don't be overweight on top of that! If that makes sense... because Kirk was dealing with one aspect of the relationship... I'm now dealing with two... if that makes sense.

 

[DZoolander]

I'll be the first person to say that "diets" don't work - namely because "diets" usually amount to nothing either than either starving yourself - or subrogating your meal choices off to some other entity (like when you buy pre-packaged meals from companies that promise to help you lose weight). Neither work - because you can't starve yourself forever - and you can't continue buying pre-packaged meals in any sense forever. Also - neither teaches you any sort of real life lesson about how to properly approach food.

The simple fact of the matter is (at least IMHO) that people are fat because they delegate our their food choices to other people - and end up receiving high caloric types of meals full of imbalanced nutrients that you would never find in nature under any other circumstance.

Man did not evolve eating 2500 calorie lunches encapsulated in "extra value meals" from fast food places, followed by extraordinarily long times sitting on their collective tuchuses before then picking up a 1500 calorie dinner. Rather - in nature - truth be told calories are pretty hard to come by.

Want to lose weight? Here's how you do it. You know the produce aisle in your supermarket? Spend 99% of your shopping time there. That's what you're supposed to be eating. If it doesn't look like something you could pick, pull or kill with your bare hands, odds are you aren't meant to be eating it. Just because something doesn't poison you dead on the spot, or tastes good, doesn't make it "food". Food actually has some requirements other than the need to taste good, fill your belly, and not poison you. Food actually should ideally contain something called nutrients...which once again...you'll pretty much only find in that amazing most likely ignored produce aisle.

I'm not saying "eat stuff from the produce aisle in addition to what you're eating" - or "for the time being until you lose some weight" - I'm saying retrain yourself to eat primarily fruits, vegetables, whole grains and sparing meats. Because - if you were cast away naked into some wilderness with all the raw food sources available for you to eat - that's probably what you'd end up thriving upon.

Now - there is a "diet" that's akin to what I'm saying...I think it's called the "paleo" diet or something like that. But - you'll find eating like you're SUPPOSED to be eating does wonders for anyone.

"Diets"? No. Don't do that. Eat like you're supposed to be eating, and 99.9% of people will never have to worry about it again.

 

[CHRfreeIST]

Ezoolander- I completely agree. Ive been working out at the gym and doing that insanity program for the past 2 months and relatively have been eating like a normal person, relatively meaning still eat burgers and fries, I just dont eat them all day everyday, and when I do, I tend to either start the day healthy or eat healthy the next day, and this is for 3 reasons, 1) to prove to myself that I can work out and live normally with pizza hut and whatever I want BUT in moderation, 2) I can still get results by living normally because like you said "diets" do not work and a balanced life of hard work and eating right despite eating pizza, burgers and fries, and 3) was to try a new approach of leading by example for my wife. In 2 months Ive lost 9% body fat and 10 lbs, but of course I am lifting weights so losing lbs for me is not my goal as is losing body fat %... but again, that doesn't motivate her in any form or fashion.

So she not only doesn't eat the greatest, definitely doesn't eat the worst, but no real effort in the gym coupled with no major changes in her food choices will keep her right where she is imo.

 

[DZoolander]

5'0" and 168 - and you would like her to lose about 30 lbs?

Frankly - no - you're not being unreasonable IMO. 5'0" and 168 is pretty hefty. 5'0" and 130 is still pretty hefty. So you're not asking her to reach some sort of unattainable level of fitness/thin-ness - nor are you wanting her to be gaunt/rail thin. You're just wanting her to go from being obese (sorry - that's what it is) to not-obese.

Let's just be clear that's what it is.

 

[CHRfreeIST]

I feel like yes, that is absolutely an attainable, reasonable request... she's even said she wants to get to 120-125. And Im trying to help her, guide her, suggest to her, things that will help her get there and above most of it, it's going to require discipline in what she eats, and perseverance in her workouts... neither of which she's interested in nor cares to improve.

 

[razzelflabben]

Razzelflabben- can you elaborate more on your comment, as it pertains to how my issues play a part? As far as goals, plans, purpose, etc, Biblical wise, I mean, we both agree that I should lead prayer, study, find us a home to worship at, etc... so what exactly are you saying so I understand fully?

Most people have a world view of what a marriage should be....what I discovered as I studied marriage in scripture, is that generally speaking we don't have a clue. When we got it figured out scripturally, our own personal marriage changed, as I have seen others do the same.

To identify that start a study in Ephesians 5...then move into Isaiah 53, some really powerful stuff there...but let's start with a summary of Ephesians 5...1 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. notice that submission is not just wifes to husbands, but also one to another, this means the word cannot mean obey. The non military use of the word, is to work together. This understanding is vital to what we are gonna see here real soon. 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. Again, here we are talking about working together, or working together with...what is the wife to be working with you to accomplish if your only goal is to read and study and pray like a man of God? Think here about Gen. the wife was created to be a help mate, she is to help you, when you discover something to work together towards, you will be amazed at how your marriage changes. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Isaiah 53, I think it's vs.. 10, I can look it up if you want, but right now I'm trying to be real short. Christ loved the church by becoming her high priest. You cannot take the sin of your wife, she must repent of her own sins, but you can confess her sin and repent of any of that sin being in your marriage, much as a priest would do. As the head, you are responsible for the priestly duties of your household. But be advised, this does not mean making everything you don't like a sin...for example, gaining a bit of weight is not a sin...nor is catering to you. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Notice this instruction is to our church body also, so you can use that as a gage for knowing where to draw lines.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, now for the common goal...you are to love your wife unto her being holy...that is set apart, not just for God but for you. No wandering eyes, no wandering heart. If you are not loving her unto being set apart for you and you alone, as your post suggests you aren't, you aren't working toward a common goal, cause we are now into the goal you should have in your marriage, the thing you and she should be working together toward. cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, love her unto her cleansing, anything can be defiled, even your own sins, defile her, to cleanse her means you also need to be cleansed, go back to priest of your household, his first sin sacrifice was for his own sin, because without that cleansing, he is not able to stand before Christ to advocate on her behalf, so it starts with your own repentance 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, I love this one cause you can measure it...is your wife radiant, your goal should be her radiance, not your own satisfaction, but her radiant health in all aspects of her life. Health, emotions, thoughts, etc. you are to become one, that means you love her unto her radiance. without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. to keep this short, the rest of these have to do with righteousness, and some even specifies you stopping an carousing...iow's her righteousness is directly affected by your own. When you allow the HS to transform your thoughts, mind, heart, you learn to love your wife as you should. Bottom line you need to allow the HS to renew your thoughts, heart, mind, attitude...28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. listen to what that says.....how do you love yourself? Do you worry and stew over 10 pounds, and when you gain weight, stop having feelings for yourself and what you still desire? Do you stop desire satisfying your own lusts when you gain weight? Of course not, so what you really need here, is to 1. discover how to love you wife, 2. discover a common goal for your marriage, that of righteousness, and 3. allow the HS to renew your heart and mind in Christ Jesus. There are practical ways to do this, but short, short, short.....He who loves his wife loves himself.Did you see that, if you love your wife, as above, you love yourself...your struggle over how you feel about your wife right now, is actually how you feel about yourself, not so much about your wife....if you want to heal, first discover why you feel so badly, so apathetically about yourself... 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” to leave means to become so united in thought, attitude, mind, flesh, etc. that it would take a cleaver to hack you apart...see, one of the problems here, as you describe it, is that your attitude in your marriage is not right, it is a self focus, when it should be an outward focus..to put it bluntly, you need to find humility before you wife can meet your needs the way you want them met. 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. notice that this is true for the church as well...the wife also has responsibilities, but that needs addressed with your wife, as such, you start with you....you start with renewing your mind, heart, thoughts, you start by humbling yourself, you start by loving your wife unto mutual righteousness, you start by establishing the goal in your marriage of loving your wife unto righteousness by first being righteous yourself, you start by realizing that the problem in your marriage, the steps needed to fix things, begins by you discovering that it takes more than reading the word and praying and justifying your emotions, it takes allowing the HS to transform you into the man you have failed to be. Sorry for being so blunt...

 

[CHRfreeIST]

Razzelflabben- that was an awesome breakdown and I really appreciate it. I can't argue that I've failed, and the circle of "well if you do this then I'll do this" starts with me, but I need to see it from the perspective of this, and I hope I don't offend anybody, I just want to be as transparent and honest about these feelings, garbage or not, so the entire picture can be seen and discussed with full transparency.

So, I read what you've said, have read it multiple times and I've prayed so often for understanding about how a connection physically means nothing in this equation. I can't grasp it. Number 1, I actually love to work out and be fit and healthy and take care of my body, I do hate my job but am starting school to finish my accountant degree in April, so, not much I hate about myself other than the "wife" side of me, if you will, does not conform to the "me" side of me, in that, the ME ME loves to do those things, the WIFE ME hates it and I cant make/force the WIFE ME to stay fit like the ME ME, so how does "hating my wife a reflection of hating myself", really play here? I will say, however, I hate failure! It could be a mix of knowing all that you have stated, knowing I've failed on my part, and somehow taking it out on her failures, but my issue has always been, how can I make that side of me do what I want so that the whole of me operates like I want it to, in that, I dont want to be fat, but since we're one, and I cant make you lose weight, therefore, I have to be fat... well I don't want to be fat... so now what?!?!

Also, I imagine this process like this, speaking about the physical attraction earlier... my wife might as well be a very good friend. She is my beat friend, no doubt, but as I read and read and read that scripture, both Eph and Isa, I can't help but think 2 things, 1) marriage was not meant to fulfill this area of attraction, that is either a by-product, something extra God put on the couple, or something, 2) it was designed solely for the purpose of man to come together to reflect, represent, regenerate the relationship God intends to live out with us. I say that to say, I often wonder if I can grasp that 1st part, then yeah, I can pray, and lead, and cover, and grow, and shape, and all the wonderful aspects of righteousness that you so well covered, BUT without intimacy and romance. Where does that honestly play a roll here? Honestly? Ive prayed and asked God, "so Lord, I mean, am I going to miraculously be attracted to chubby women now?" And I say this with sincerity because I don't understand... honest! You say all what you said in that breakdown, and I don't know if you're married or not but ask yourself this question... if God told you to go love this neighbor of yours who is overweight, or maybe they're another race, pick something that you know you would have no attraction to... so you live out Eph and Isa all day long... the love would go to the depths required and desired by the HS indeed, but then if that spouse who is not your type at all wants to do some grown and sexy things... it's going to be different with that same level of Eph and Isa marriage love than it would be if you we're actually attracted to the person. And bottom line, that's my struggle. I feel like all that Eph and Isa Word would inevitably lead to a settling type of intimacy... ingenuous because at the core, Im not attracted to chubby women, Im just not...

 

[DZoolander]

Well, let's be honest about what we're talking about here - because you're going to get yourself into trouble with people that will label you superficial or suggest that you have some sort of unreasonable expectations.

We're not talking about chubby. We're talking about what would normally be considered at the very least obese, and probably morbidly obese. 5'0" and nearly 170 lbs is a problem. Sure - it's not Jerry Springer "I've got bedsores and can't move at all" obese - but - it's still obese.

What your "ideal" weight for her would be is 130ish. Honestly, for 5'0" - that's still pretty chubby and overweight. My wife is 5'6", has a normal physique (not "skinny" by any stretch of the imagination) and she weighs 130. So - it isn't that you're not attracted to "chubby" women. You're not attracted to obese ones. That's what we're talking about.

So just understand the argument that this is going to devolve into. It *will* turn into you somehow having some unreasonable expectations and superficial expectations. Keep your language succinct - that you're not turned on by her flat out obesity - and it will help keep things on track.

 

[blessedmomof5]

What have you done other than (lack for a better word) dictate what she needs to do to get to where you will be happy romantically with her again?

You see the way i am seeing it from a wife's perspective,
Is that the more you mention my eating whether unhealthy, healthy or otherwise...... Or the more you tell me i need to exercise or i
Am lazy or undisciplined, etc.... It's working against you, i guess that's why it's called UNCONDITIONAL love...... You love her for who she is and then when she she's there is NO bitterness or condition to your love, she'll want to change because of the love you show her!!!!
Does that sound familiar at all? Jesus said this is the greatest commandment!

I hope and Pray you learn how to die to self, then you can really start to love her.

I cannot say anything about her because she has not posted here and it would not be fair for me to do so....

God Bless

I feel like yes, that is absolutely an attainable, reasonable request... she's even said she wants to get to 120-125. And Im trying to help her, guide her, suggest to her, things that will help her get there and above most of it, it's going to require discipline in what she eats, and perseverance in her workouts... neither of which she's interested in nor cares to improve.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

As a woman who lost 80 pounds, gained through poor choices, medications, sedentary lifestyle, and depression, then lost the 40 pounds she gained being pregnant, who later went on to be a Weight Watchers Leader and consultant, who is now trying to lose 30 pounds gained from owning a food blog and eating like mad 7 days a week, I can tell you one thing...

She won't lose weight until she's ready. She won't lose weight without help. She won't keep it off without support.

Pretty much the worst thing you can do is tell her that you find her sexually or physically unappealing because you feel she is fat. Feed her depression and insecurity, she'll keep feeding her body.

Until she thinks you love her as she is, she'll never get to a place where she wants to lose weight. And to be honest, a motivation for losing the weight shouldn't be so that her husband will have sex with her or find her desirable. People who lose weight for others will fail, period. They have to want to lose it for themselves.

I gained all the weight with my first husband. I went on meds that suppressed my appetite and I ate like a crazy person. I'm 5ft 7 and I hit 200 pounds. He told me he found me undesirable, put a ton of pressure on me to lose the weight, made fat jokes, the whole bit. And he was totally, and I mean TOTALLY unsupportive in losing the weight, despite his comments and behavior. The house was stocked with my trigger foods, we'd go out to eat all the time, and anything I'd make that was healthy would be not eaten by him, mocked as gross, or otherwise highlighted as being an inconvenience to prepare when he wanted something else. That fed into my insecurity, depression, low self-esteem, the whole bit.

When I finally lost the weight was when I was tired of it and I went to Weight Watchers. I found supportive people, I found plans for eating, and I felt in control, finally. When the weight came off, then suddenly he thought I was amazing and awesome and wonderful, showered me with gifts and shopping sprees... But really, it just irritated me so much. You could love me when my body was thin and I was pretty, but not when I was overweight? I was a burden to you when I was fat but now I'm the cat's meow?

Eventually, we got divorced... That behavior was symptomatic of our whole relationship, so it wasn't the weight that did it, it was more the type of person who would do that did other things as well, neither of us were happy, and we were better apart then together. I ended up marrying my forever husband, who saw me at my heaviest (I worked for a company that worked for his, so he'd see me daily, though we never talked, interacted, or even spoke to each other until much later) and I would pick fun at how fat I was... He told me he thought I was beautiful, had beautiful eyes, a wonderful smile, and he knew that somehow, even though we didn't know each other, I'd end up being important to him. He also told me that my butt looked cute in the pants I wore... And actually, even though they're like size 24 and I'm a 8 now and could never wear them, he wouldn't let me get rid of them.

Now when I'm trying to lose my 25-30 pounds, I feel so much better about it. He's supportive (he ate wilted greens over polenta, and we're talking a guy who's a straight meat and potatoes, "normal food" kind of guy), he's an exercise buddy, and he never, ever, EVER says I'm fat. The best I got out of him was that I'm heavier then I was when we got together and I was at my ideal weight, but he is glad I'm healthy, and if I want to lose weight to feel better about myself then fabulous. Otherwise, he loves me no matter what.

Do you know how much easier it is to go to the guy who says that and say "I lost 2 pounds this week!" vs the guy who berated you about your weight? One you know is going to be supportive, unconditionally, the other you wonder if he's secretly thinking, or will actually say, "Is that all?"

Now, not saying your my first husband in how you behave or treat her, because I don't see that you are or aren't. I'm just saying that she has to find the motivation to do this for herself, and it's probably not going to come in the form of a husband who says "you're fat and I don't like how you look." Time to change gameplans.

And while you do that, you need to examine yourself too. Sex and intimacy and attractiveness is helped by physical beauty, but it's not defined by it. In the instance of love, it should be unconditional, and if her weight is that huge a barrier... Time to poke around and see what you can do to improve yourself and, in turn, your perception of her. I bet that will go a million miles to helping her with her struggle too. Because, I'll be honest, even with a girl of her height, she's decidedly overweight, but she's not by any leap morbidly obese. She's only 15 pounds from being simply "overweight" by BMI standards. She's not thin, but we're not talking about somebody who'd qualify for "The Biggest Loser" due to her weight issues. Time to gain a bit of perspective, for both of you.