Smacking Children

[Rae]

Punishment is one thing that has too

Why is it that everyone who's blindly pro-spanking assumes it's the best and only possible punishment for a child, rather than the worst and only one of many possible punishments? I guess if all you have is a hammer, you assume everything is a nail.

 

[christalee4]

None of the non spanking approaches I have seen get the child to do what they are supposed to... it let's them out of responsibility....

To heck with that..... They need to start being reponsible, and pay attention to what they're doing... if not when you release them into the world... you're ultimately responisble for what they do because you didn't make them realize "Oh yeah my actions have repurcussions...."

If you can get tehm to accept responsibility without spanking I applaud you, I can't seem to do it....

What sort of bad behavior do the kids get up to deserve the last resort spankings?

Disrespect, fighting amongst each other, deliberate rudeness, and defiance?

Or is it forgetfulness, wandering attention span, talking or playing too loud, or whining?

Of the latter, some of these behaviors are normal behaviors for children - whining is often done because children are tired. Some children tend to daydream or get distracted by other events.

Of the former, have you tried "real time outs" and withdrawal of privileges? No television, games, no playing outside, clearly explained before and after. How about posting a list of behavior requirements, and consequences, and going over them? Verbal acknowledgements and rewards for good behavior, such as being generous, kind, offering to help, being caring. It's been my experience that often kids need clear explanations and consistent, real follow up for that discipline structure. The structure makes them feel secure.

 

[Chrystabelle]

If you can slap children you should be able to slap adults. If you can't do both do neither. Frankly, slapping a child is like kicking a puppy. It's easy, it's fun and if I saw you doing it you might end up in an actual fight with someone who could possibly break your legs and kick you in the kidneys until the police came and took me away.

Imagine the stress on your family then, huh?

Do you have any children of your own?

 

[rasplundjr]

Why is it that everyone who's blindly pro-spanking assumes it's the best and only possible punishment for a child, rather than the worst and only one of many possible punishments? I guess if all you have is a hammer, you assume everything is a nail.

Why is it that everybody that is against spanking think that I'm blindly for spanking?

If you've read my previous posts I've tried alternative methods... they didn't work... spanking worked... I wish I could use non spanking methods... I've congratualted others that say they can get it done without spanking...

I'm not saying spanking is for everyone, but anyone that says (Fill in the Blank) is the only way to do it is deluding themselves... Kids are as different as flowers... what works in this garden won't work in the next...

I wish I could get my kids to accept responsibility without having to punish them at all... doesn't work...
Spanking is not the worst possible punishment.... Ignoring the children and letting them do wrong and letting them go through life without caring if they live or die, letting them do what they want and getting themselves hurt or maimed or killed... that's the worst possible punishment...

I've tried all the lovey time outs and time ins and take this away or take that away.... They did not work for my kids... something else will work for my SIL's kids.... Something different works for your kids God has blessed you with that... unfortunately I don't get the easy way out... I have to fight and argue for my kids to take the least punishments and have to end up spanking....

Anyone that thinks all parents taht spank love to do it or it's the only thing they have ever tried are plum darn fools....

Thank you for labeling me as abusive without known a darned thing about my situation...

God Bless you and have a good day...

 

[Rae]

Spanking is not the worst possible punishment

I disagree. Beating a small child is pretty awful and yes, I do think all spanking/beating/hitting of children is abuse. I do think alternatives if used properly will always work better than hitting a child.

Kuan Yin bless you.

 

[rasplundjr]

What sort of bad behavior do the kids get up to deserve the last resort spankings?

Disrespect, fighting amongst each other, deliberate rudeness, and defiance?

You bet. Not to mention deliberate destruction, trying to weasle out of a punishment, guilt tripping, and raising a fist to an elder...

Or is it forgetfulness, wandering attention span, talking or playing too loud, or whining?

Forgetfulness... Depends on how many times they have been told something.... If it's something that they are supposed to do daily has been established fora long time and they just don't do it repeatedly... yes If my daughter is just learning how to do something then no

Whining we make them keep telling us what they said over and over until the whining has stopped... we remind them we don't understand whinese...

If they have been warned about loudness (only happens when someone is sleeping or ill) after the third or fourth warning they will get spanked...

Wandering attention span they'll usually go to their room and not be allowed to do anything in there for a set time period...

Of the latter, some of these behaviors are normal behaviors for children - whining is often done because children are tired. Some children tend to daydream or get distracted by other events.

They have to learn to stay in the moment though...

If I daydream while commuting to work I can kill somebody, and with my luck it wouldn't be me...

Of the former, have you tried "real time outs" and withdrawal of privileges? No television, games, no playing outside, clearly explained before and after. How about posting a list of behavior requirements, and consequences, and going over them? Verbal acknowledgements and rewards for good behavior, such as being generous, kind, offering to help, being caring. It's been my experience that often kids need clear explanations and consistent, real follow up for that discipline structure. The structure makes them feel secure.

Yes I have tried all that.. and when it fails... which it does 99.9999% of the time I have to resort to the paddle or the belt.....

Lieing, raising a fist and / or screaming at us and our siblings and anyone higher ont he elder ladder is an auto spanking do not pass go do not collect $200

 

[rasplundjr]

I disagree. Beating a small child is pretty awful and yes, I do think all spanking/beating/hitting of children is abuse. I do think alternatives if used properly will always work better than hitting a child.

Kuan Yin bless you.

Your welcome to your opinion.

But there is a definate line between spanking and beating a child.....

 

[christalee4]

Why is it that everybody that is against spanking think that I'm blindly for spanking?

If you've read my previous posts I've tried alternative methods... they didn't work... spanking worked... I wish I could use non spanking methods... I've congratualted others that say they can get it done without spanking...

I'm not saying spanking is for everyone, but anyone that says (Fill in the Blank) is the only way to do it is deluding themselves... Kids are as different as flowers... what works in this garden won't work in the next...

I wish I could get my kids to accept responsibility without having to punish them at all... doesn't work...
Spanking is not the worst possible punishment.... Ignoring the children and letting them do wrong and letting them go through life without caring if they live or die, letting them do what they want and getting themselves hurt or maimed or killed... that's the worst possible punishment...

I've tried all the lovey time outs and time ins and take this away or take that away.... They did not work for my kids... something else will work for my SIL's kids.... Something different works for your kids God has blessed you with that... unfortunately I don't get the easy way out... I have to fight and argue for my kids to take the least punishments and have to end up spanking....

Anyone that thinks all parents taht spank love to do it or it's the only thing they have ever tried are plum darn fools....

Thank you for labeling me as abusive without known a darned thing about my situation...

God Bless you and have a good day...

I don't think anyone accused you of being abusive. You indeed said yourself several times that you wished that you didn't have to spank your children. My question to you was, what kinds of infractions do you spank the children for? I don't think anyone believes that children should be ignored and allowed to run like wild animals to do what they want. That's child abuse.

I don't think time outs and withdrawal of privileges are "lovey dovey". Meaningless and inconsistent applications of those principles are usually done without full explanation. Very young children who can't manage the understanding of verbal rebuke can effectively be disciplined with a sound "No", a look in the eye and a grabbing of the child's arm or body - not squeezing, not pulling - but getting the child's attention. The father's deeper louder voice also communicates this well.

 

[ottaia]

I wonder whether anyone can give me their opinion about smacking children. I never slap my children and until recently I had a no-slapping rule in my household.

However, my wife does slap the children occasionally and was very upset recently when a social worker saw her slapping one of our children. The social worker made a huge issue out of it and tried to prosecute.

Luckily my wife foresaw the furore which would ensue and took our child to the doctor immediately. The doctor examined our child and could find no mark on him. The social worker was therefore unable to take the matter further.

This incident has had a very stressful effect on us, as a family. Does anyone else have any similar experiences?

As a means of behavioral pattern disruption, a spank MAY be acceptable. There are other ways of breaking the pattern though. A prof in developmental psych said that adults are larger than children for a reason, but that reason is not to hit them. When we "smack" (such a disgusting word) our children, we are teaching them that "I am bigger than you and I can make you do what I want you to."

 

[Chrystabelle]

Why is it that everyone who's blindly pro-spanking assumes it's the best and only possible punishment for a child, rather than the worst and only one of many possible punishments? I guess if all you have is a hammer, you assume everything is a nail.

Sometimes it is difficult to break the mould. My mother slapped me and her mother beat her. When I had children, I found, to my dismay that I became my mother.

But I do try to punish my children in other ways, other than slapping them. I only use slapping as a last resort. For example, when we are in the car and one of the children is hitting another one or kicking my husband's arm whilst he is driving. In these circumstances I cannot use *time-out* although I do use *time-out* a lot at home.

Is it possible that most of the people who are strongly anti-slapping do not have children of their own?

 

[llDayo]

As a means of behavioral pattern disruption, a spank MAY be acceptable. There are other ways of breaking the pattern though. A prof in developmental psych said that adults are larger than children for a reason, but that reason is not to hit them. When we "smack" (such a disgusting word) our children, we are teaching them that "I am bigger than you and I can make you do what I want you to."

Quoted from Homer: "You're mine until your 18, and when your 17 I'm going to work you like a dog!"

 

[ottaia]

Do you have any children of your own?

Every pro-spank person uses this argument as if popping a pup suddenly make you an expert.

 

[quatona]

Do you have any children of your own?

Does it matter?
Do you have to be a woman to have an opinion about abortion?
Do you have to be a man to have an opinion about rape?
Do you have to be a parent to have an opinion about spanking children?

 

[quatona]

As a means of behavioral pattern disruption, a spank MAY be acceptable. There are other ways of breaking the pattern though. A prof in developmental psych said that adults are larger than children for a reason, but that reason is not to hit them. When we "smack" (such a disgusting word) our children, we are teaching them that "I am bigger than you and I can make you do what I want you to."

And we also teach them: "If you are bigger and stronger, you have the right to make people do what you want by using physical violence."

 

[ottaia]

And we also teach them: "If you are bigger and stronger, you have the right to make people do what you want by using physical violence."

That's where bullies come from!

 

[christalee4]

Every pro-spank person uses this argument as if popping a pup suddenly make you an expert.

LOL! Yes, they don't come with instructions, do they? When my son was little, around 5 years old, I spanked him once with a couple of swats on the behind when I got frustrated and angry. I immediately regretted it, because he saw that I lost my cool. I never spanked again.

I recalled too that I had been spanked with a wooden spoon - hard - by my father due to talking back. I learned to fear and hate him. His mother and father had both been hitters and harsh discipliners; I recall my grandmother had washed my mouth out with soap once, and had also disciplined other grandchildren, sending one to the hospital when she hurt his arm after he tried to get some food from the refrigerator. My grandfather apparently used to beat my uncle frequently, and when my uncle turned 17, he left, joined the Marines and never looked back.

My son's father, my ex-husband, rarely disciplined him, but a couple of times when he lost his temper, he went out of control. He kicked my son up the stairs once, and then in a parking lot, struck him harshly the same way. It was terrible. I learned later that his father who was from Europe used harsh discipline; frequent slaps to the face, shoulder, belt on the legs, putting hot spoons on the hand. I feel our experience teaches us a pattern, that we then pass on to our children. I wanted to stop the pattern, and use disciplinary methods other than physical ones.

 

[SallyNow]

Rear-end or hand slapping should be the last resort. It should be a tiny, tiny part of parenting, if one at all.

I've seen parents deal with incredibly tough children without ever smacking them, but instead learning to be tuned into their children and also very creative.

A lot of displine problems can be solved by getting kids into an fun but educational activity early on, IMO. I've seen it work over and over and over. The more passionate a child is about learning, the less likely they are to need displining. Academic, art, performance art, music, or sports learning...any sort of learning will do. A good activity can solve a lot of problems.

Only a lazy, uncreative parents needs to use spanking as the primary source of displine. Every parent may need to spank their kid once in a while-maybe once a year-but usually, it seems, that being a well-round parent, who makes sure kids have constructive things to do and also allows lots of imaginitive or sporty free-play, a parent who has a good support system, and a parent who simply is willing to try things and wait things out, is the best parent.

Would I chastise a mom if she spanked her kid for breaking the window with a baseball for the second time? Nope. But I'd also hope that mom got her kid into softball ASAP, so that the energy and talent was used rather than stifled.

I was called a 'child abuser' for slapping my 9 year old autistic daughter lightly on the cheek, once. A nurse saw me slapping my daughter, who was having an hysterical fit. The nurse reported me to the doctor and the doctor was about to report me to a social worker but, fortunately, he asked to see my daughter first and was unable to find any red mark or bruising on her face.

I think that it is absolutely disgusting that hard-working parents are threatened like this for a light slap in a very stressful situation. I was not even aware that I was doing it. I just did it without thinking because she was screaming and throwing herself around. These were extenuating circumstances.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm with the nurse on this one. I hope the nurse did not report you as a child abuser, but instead as a parent who has a child with a serious disability and who perhaps needs a better support system.

 

[TexasSky]

I wonder whether anyone can give me their opinion about smacking children. I never slap my children and until recently I had a no-slapping rule in my household.

However, my wife does slap the children occasionally and was very upset recently when a social worker saw her slapping one of our children. The social worker made a huge issue out of it and tried to prosecute.

Luckily my wife foresaw the furore which would ensue and took our child to the doctor immediately. The doctor examined our child and could find no mark on him. The social worker was therefore unable to take the matter further.

This incident has had a very stressful effect on us, as a family. Does anyone else have any similar experiences?

If you would not do it to an adult, who has supposedly mastered self-control and maturity, why in the world would you do it to a child who has not mastered either?

Discipline - whether you spank or don't spank - should be about "teaching" and "education". It should NEVER be an emotional, impulsive response in anger. Slapping is ALWAYS an emotional, impulisve response, and almost always in anger.

I think your wife was wrong.

 

[chipmunk]

Sometimes it is difficult to break the mould. My mother slapped me and her mother beat her. When I had children, I found, to my dismay that I became my mother.

But I do try to punish my children in other ways, other than slapping them. I only use slapping as a last resort. For example, when we are in the car and one of the children is hitting another one or kicking my husband's arm whilst he is driving. In these circumstances I cannot use *time-out* although I do use *time-out* a lot at home.

Is it possible that most of the people who are strongly anti-slapping do not have children of their own?

I did state upfront that I had no children of my own.

I do however know people that have raised their children under a no slapping, hitting, spanking, or whatever-you-call-it parenting technique and their children seem well adjusted, polite, and decent people. I look to these people as examples of the parent I'd rather be than my own. I know the effects of spanking on my family and I don't think they were positive.

People are often kinder to their animals than they are to their own children. My parents would never raise a hand to any of our "pets" for doing something bad (they got the "bad dog" voice), but us kids were fair game.

 

[levi501]

I think a swat on the tush could be utilized at a young age when verbal reasoning, reprimanding, grounding or depriving them of toys has proven ineffective.