Singles room

[DragonFox91]

Distraction means you aren't facing, contending with, and dealing with, whatever it is that you're distracted from.

It means occupied in other ways & not letting this dominate how I think b/c I can't force it anyways.

 

[DragonFox91]

My goodness I am not doing well! I may have to make an appointment w/ a secular psychologist after all. I need to get out of this funk or I won't be ready! I thought I was more than ready, was getting inpatient, so stopped taking my anti-anxiety meds to see if i still really wanted it, & it appears yes I do so that's good but I am now in this terrible funk & it's not getting better.

(but the negative part is controlling & doesn't want to get out of the funk. I was ready, it still wasn't happening, so what's the point.)

I was gonna call them now but they are closed today. I do know how it goes tho: "you're only 31, go to church, do stuff w/ friends & family, get some exercise, be happy you're free, blah blah blah.'

 

[trophy33]

I think the time a person lives in really determines the advantages or disadvantages of marriage.

What advantages does marriage have for a man in the current USA or generally in the Western world?

 

[Citanul]

What advantages does marriage have for a man in the current USA or generally in the Western world?

Married men tend to live longer.

A New Study Reveals Married Men Live Longer Than Bachelors

 

[Servus]

Married men tend to live longer.

A New Study Reveals Married Men Live Longer Than Bachelors

The focus on that is cardiovascular disease. Most likely married men are more likely to be kept from doing things that contribute to it, as wives tend to be like mothers.

A single man doesn't have a wife to tell him eat this not that, don't drink too much, don't smoke etc.

Although for me having always been single and now 61 years old, it's not an issue. My cardiovascular system is in perfect condition.

 

[angelsaroundme]

This might be a leap but my guess is you have parents that are still together. Or that they were at least together for most of your early life. That could be part of what your expectations or idealism is based on. My parents divorced before I was in grade school. In some ways perhaps that was a mercy. Showed me what the modern world can be like at a young age.

 

[trophy33]

Married men tend to live longer.

A New Study Reveals Married Men Live Longer Than Bachelors

What is the causality, there? Correlations are not enough.

What if its not about the married status, but more about having children/purpose, regular/better quality meals, less alcohol... whatever we guess?

 

[trophy33]

Well presumably if he chooses well and marries a Godly woman, he can enjoy a life of companionship and fellowship and live in relative peace. A godly wife would.enhance his life. We still haven't reached the point of physical persecution of Christians in the US. As things are currently, you can still enjoy family life and not have the threat of watching your family be put to death in front of you ( as was the case for many in the early church). A person really needs to think carefully about marriage and having children in those situations.

I understand that in our current society men often get the short end of the stick in divorce and child custody disputes. These things are definitely things for men to seriously consider before marriage. That being said, most problems arise from being unequally yoked and marrying someone who is more secular than spiritually minded. In reality, there has never been an advantage to marrying someone like that in any era. I am assuming we are discussing Christian men.

What is the probability of finding such a "Godly woman" that will make the life less complicated and not more? What is the risk:reward ratio?

Also, will the effort of finding and keeping such woman pay for the benefit of it? Even over the age 40 and so on? We must compare a good married life with a good single life, apples to apples.

Also, what is the advantage:disadvantage ratio of legal marriage contract in western countries? Even if the woman is good, what goodness can she give to a man who is healthy, successful, fit and satisfied with his life for all the risk and government interventions?

 

[DragonFox91]

I think that risk/ reward ratio will be different for each individual. Some men are perfectly content and able to live a fulfilled life without a woman in their life. For them, marriage, even a good marriage, may actually bring more complications to their life than remaining single would. It would make sense for a guy like that to remain single. Other men may not be able to cope as well without companionship (all Christians should be able to be fulfilled in this life regardless of circumstances, but some will struggle more than others with the lack of a spouse). I think that type of person would do better spiritually and be strengthened by a Godly spouse.

I understand your outlook as I often wonder if I want to complicate my life with a husband lol. I did strongly desire it in the past, but I am very content now and I like the freedom to serve God as I see fit without having to worry about a spouse potentially pulling me away. In many ways, marriage is even more dangerous for a Christian woman than man since men have traditionally guided the marriage. If the guy isn't fit for that spiritually, that is going to be very difficult for his wife.

I don't mean to ignore your questions of statistics in the Western world. Honestly, I have no idea what they are and I personally don't place much importance on them since most marriages I see are not blessed of God nor ideal. I think they are almost irrelevant to someone who is actually seeking God's will for their own life. They do however serve as good cautionary tales.

To sum it up, your odds of finding a good man are 1 / 1,000 and a good woman who can find. To quote Solomon That math is not encouraging.

It’s 2 sinners coming together, 2 very imperfect people. Very connected but easy to become selfish. Monotony settles in. Or you think things are going well & it’s easy, then you’re given a child that needs extra help, or an in-law with a health problem maybe. Or finances change to the worst. Or you were just faking it because you thought it’d get easier. Baggage brought in surfaces.

It’s true, if you can’t take care of yourself, you’ll never be able to take care of a partner & her family in a way that honors them & God. (I would love to do that tho.) That’s always what I’d been told. But 1 more needs to get added: “if you can’t take care of yourself & love others God has given you you’re not married to, you’ll never be able to take care of a partner & her family……… Sometimes it’s hard to do that, because you think it should be easier but a SO never happens & it’s easy to get discouraged & build up bitterness.

It sounds thrilling & hard but can be done with the right pair. I know it’s good with the right pair.

I only know of a couple divorces from people who married in their 20’s my age now (so I’m not sure where people get the idea divorces are so common, millennials seem to be picking better). But most of the marriages look good, but are probably hanging on by threads at times. IDK, I think that’s kind of a negative attitude & a ‘this may not work’ attitude shouldn’t be brought into a marriage if you truly, truly believe it is God’s match for you. I think that line of thinking also encourages the attitude marriage is bad when we know it’s not always.

 

[Sir Robbins]

I'm 33, 34 in September and have been single my whole life because I am not what women want and I have accepted that. My constant rejections many years ago resulted in my current status going from single by circumstance to single by choice. It is what it is.

 

[trophy33]

I think that risk/ reward ratio will be different for each individual. Some men are perfectly content and able to live a fulfilled life without a woman in their life. For them, marriage, even a good marriage, may actually bring more complications to their life than remaining single would. It would make sense for a guy like that to remain single. Other men may not be able to cope as well without companionship (all Christians should be able to be fulfilled in this life regardless of circumstances, but some will struggle more than others with the lack of a spouse). I think that type of person would do better spiritually and be strengthened by a Godly spouse.

I understand your outlook as I often wonder if I want to complicate my life with a husband lol. I did strongly desire it in the past, but I am very content now and I like the freedom to serve God as I see fit without having to worry about a spouse potentially pulling me away. In many ways, marriage is even more dangerous for a Christian woman than man since men have traditionally guided the marriage. If the guy isn't fit for that spiritually, that is going to be very difficult for his wife.

I don't mean to ignore your questions of statistics in the Western world. Honestly, I have no idea what they are and I personally don't place much importance on them since most marriages I see are not blessed of God nor ideal. I think they are almost irrelevant to someone who is actually seeking God's will for their own life. They do however serve as good cautionary tales.

To sum it up, your odds of finding a good man are 1 / 1,000 and a good woman who can find. To quote Solomon That math is not encouraging.

Also, how do you define a good woman? Are there some requirements she must objectively fulfill (for example to be conservative, waiting till marriage, have some specific views and moral values, some physical properties like fitness/health etc.) to be called so, or is it subjective?

Do you think that most of Christian women are good women? Or half? Or 1 in 10? Or even less? I suppose you live in the USA, so what is your guess of this percentage, judging from your personal experience?

Lets suppose that by "good" in this context we mean good for long-life marriage.

 

[trophy33]

I don't think it is subjective. I think we have actual criteria from Scripture. Firstly, no woman ( or man) can be deemed good unless they have been converted. So the very minimal requirement is saving faith in Christ. Secondly, the Bible describes in many places the attributes of Godly women. We have the very well known/ often quoted Proverbs 31 woman, but we also have many examples of conduct in the NT epistles. Women should be sober, Godly, not caught up in vanities, loving and respectful of their husbands, etc The NT has lots of women mentioned that were devout and actually pillars of the early church. Women who are great examples of proper conduct.

Personally, I don't know many Christians of either gender who are very Godly, but I know a handful. I am not going to make assumptions about the ratios, but I will say that in our current society/ churches there is not much emphasis on Godliness so the likelihood of many Christians endeavoring to live that is low. That isn't a marriage issue though,.ultimately. More a separate discussion about the state of modern Christianity.

I posted this before I saw your edits. I live in Canada.
As for physical traits, I suppose someone who a husband finds reasonably attractive ( and vice versa ). That's up to him, haha.

I will ask in a different way - do you know any Christian woman you would call objectively good for a life long marriage? Religiously, morally, physically? And who has a high chance of staying that way (almost all women I know for a longer time are changing significantly to worse with years, some even shockingly).

And if your answer is positive, do you think she brings so much to the marriage that it outweighs the advantages of a single life (low stress, a lot of time etc).

Edit: better English

 

[DragonFox91]

Myst, you are way too pessimistic. There are a TON of good Christians in the world, men & women both, & they can be or will be GOOD, albeit w/ some flaws, life-time marriage partners.

It’s not about advantages over singleness. People are called to different things.

 

[trophy33]

Myst, you are way too pessimistic. There are a TON of good Christians in the world, men & women both, & they can be or will be GOOD, albeit w/ some flaws, life-time marriage partners.

It’s not about advantages over singleness. People are called to different things.

That sounds nice hypothetically (tons of good women in the world etc), but to be realistic, we do not know any.

And even if she is good morally, spiritually, physically, does she bring something to the table men appreciate/need? Or just skills that are irrelevant or even unattractive? One can be "good", but still useless for a marriage.

 

[DragonFox91]

That sounds nice hypothetically (tons of good women in the world etc), but to be realistic, we do not know any.

And even if she is good morally etc, does she brings something to the table men appreciate/need? Or just skills that are irrelevant.

We don’t know any YET.

If you’re only looking for what you need, you’re gonna be disappointed. But yes she will probably bring something you need otherwise you wouldn’t put a ring on it! We just don’t know what that is, or if it’s to be, YET

 

[trophy33]

We don’t know any YET.

If you’re only looking for what you need, you’re gonna be disappointed. But yes she will probably bring something you need otherwise you wouldn’t put a ring on it!

If we do not know any YET, then there is no basis for your claim "there are tons of them". Actually, its an evidence there are not.

I am not looking for any, so I am fine. Putting a ring and legally burden yourself for life is not worthy for some thing like "she will cook from time to time", so this is also important to know - what does she actually give you that you will make such sacrifice.

 

[DragonFox91]

If we do not know any YET, then there is no basis for your claim "there are tons of them". Actually, its an evidence there are not.

Really? Do you really believe that?

I am not looking for any, so I am fine. Putting a ring and legally burden yourself for life is not worthy for some thing like "she will cook from time to time", so this is also important to know - what does she actually give you that you will make such sacrifice.

You will find joy or compassion in her the same way you find joy or compassion in other relationships you have that are good. Do you ever make sacrifices for stuff for people? Same principal.

 

[trophy33]

Really? Do you really believe that?

Its not a belief, its several decades of experience both mine and of plenty of other men. Remember, its not like saying "oh I know some good women, they are just not single or do not want me". We literally do not know any good women we would marry (in their current state, they were maybe looking good in 18-20, but in their 30 you see you dodged a bullet).

You will find joy or compassion in her the same way you find joy or compassion in other relationships you have that are good. Do you ever make sacrifices for stuff for people? Same principal.

Not sure what you mean, specifically.

 

[DragonFox91]

Its not a belief, its several decades of experience both mine and of plenty of other men. Remember, its not like saying "oh I know some good women, they are just not single or do not want me". We literally do not know any good women we would marry (in their current state, they were maybe looking good in 18-20, but in their 30 you see you dodged a bullet).


Not sure what you mean, specifically.

I mean some of your relationships with other people probably weren’t built on ‘what can I get out of it’ but over time you learned to appreciate them & therefore learned to meet their needs even if you didn’t always want to.

 

[trophy33]

I mean some of your relationships with other people probably weren’t built on ‘what can I get out of it’ but over time you learned to appreciate them & therefore learned to meet their needs even if you didn’t always want to.

Any relationship is a form of exchange. Its neither just "what I can get" nor "what I can give". Both must be present for long term and for it to work it must be at least roughly of the same value for both sides (the more value you get, the more willing you are to continue).

And the net value of exchange for an individual must be also higher than just doing nothing (an important reality some people forget - energy, time etc is not free).

For example, lets say a time is worth for me 100 units, I give to some relationship 30 units, I get 50 units back, so I am in 20 units plus. Good deal. But if it costs me 100 units in time/energy/health/whatever, no, its not sustainable.

So, be wise and "calculate" if marriage is actually worth it. Its not something you can exit easily and without serious consequences.