Singles are Sexually Frustrated

[sallystrothers]

On a more personal note, I think I surprised my mom yesterday. She thought she was on a roll when she said something like, "A lot of people get married because they're lonely, and I say 'if you're lonely, get a dog!" But I replied back, "Well, you can't have sex with a dog." And she was at a loss for words. That was an absolute first on both our parts.

I never really expressed any personal interest in sex in a conversation with her, and she (apparently) wasn't suspecting that I'd even think about it in my "virgin, boyfriendless" state. Her discomfort was not ignored by me, though, and a few seconds later I just changed the subject (or at least went into a different direction anyway), since she obviously didn't want to pursue it.

That is the funniest thing I have ever read on CF, lol!!!!

I feel blessed being able to talk to my mom about sex. But I also am the middle child with a wild and rambunctious (sp?) older brother who already broke all the boundaries ahead of me.

 

[sallystrothers]

At least its good to know that some Christian women are interested in sex though. I get worried some times that when I finally do get married and am 'allowed' to have sex, that my wife wont hardly want to have it much!

Thats quite the statement coming from someone who condems sex in every color, shape and form...

 

[sallystrothers]

Sex is a bigger frustration in my life then should be, but its still not even close #1 by a long shot.

I don't mean this to come across wrong, but after losing my virginity I would rather marry someone who also has lost their virginity. I think I would feel too undeserving to marry a virgin who waited all this time while I had been enjoying fornication.

I dated a girl years ago and we started out celebant (and planned to stay that way) but eventually fell into sin. But the interesting thing that came out of it was that I soon found out that her and I were completely sexually incompatable!!

If my future wife and I had both lost our virginity before we met each other, one of the few good things that would come out that sin (dispite the many bad consequences that came out) would be that we could both relate to each other how we function sexually.

That way we might know better what we were getting into before getting married.

 

[sallystrothers]

One of the cool things my pastor always said regarding preaching on a touchy subject was...

"I would rather step on your toes in this world by preaching a painful message then have you find me in heaven and be disappointed that I didn't give you the truth"


do you guys like how I just spammed up my post count with 5 posts

 

[vibrant]

i can fantasize all i want about sex, but if at this moment it was suddenly permissible and accessible, like it's my wedding night, i'd be a bit paralyzed with fear. a naked man, being naked myself, the need to perform. ah. i'm not thinking that i'm going to go into it like a seasoned lover, and my first time is going to rock, but as an awkward, nervous, fumbling first timer.

but i long for more than just the physical; sex is more than just the physical. i long for an intimacy and closeness that's unparalleled. that's what's frustrating, a combination of loneliness and sexual frustration.

 

[sallystrothers]

but i long for more than just the physical; sex is more than just the physical. i long for an intimacy and closeness that's unparalleled. that's what's frustrating, a combination of loneliness and sexual frustration.

Thats so true for me too!

I held strong all through college, but it was until I finally fell in love with a girl that I became weak.

 

[Highland Watchman]

That's true.

Its pretty cut and dry that your not suppose to be thinking about it and have your thoughts under control... but we are only human and the flesh is weak. I guess lots of people assume that since we aren't married the desire is non existent (oh how i wish that were true many days).

Hm... but if you're not supposed to think about it, then why do people get married in the first place? Every single one of us was single at one point, even those who are now married. Some of us still are, and some of us are not anymore. And some of us are again, for whatever reason.

What's frustrating for the single person is that there is nobody to express this deeper intimacy with legitimately. Those who are dating but not married share the same struggle, but perhaps even magnified because the temptation is mutual and personified...

 

[mina]

i can fantasize all i want about sex, but if at this moment it was suddenly permissible and accessible, like it's my wedding night, i'd be a bit paralyzed with fear. a naked man, being naked myself, the need to perform. ah. i'm not thinking that i'm going to go into it like a seasoned lover, and my first time is going to rock, but as an awkward, nervous, fumbling first timer.

but i long for more than just the physical; sex is more than just the physical. i long for an intimacy and closeness that's unparalleled. that's what's frustrating, a combination of loneliness and sexual frustration.

I agree with all you said, except I wouldn't be paralyzed with fear, nervous perhaps.

 

[Johnnz]

Yep, I definitely agree. The only kinds of sex topics we'd cover would be how much guys want it, or how much we can turn them on by whatever we do, or whatever. It's all about the guys, as if we girls won't want it too. It's never, "Well gee, Linda's probably gonna want sex too!" And what's bad is that I'm not even a kid (or even a teenager) anymore. I'm 24 now, very grown up, and she can still feel uncomfortable with it (seemingly). I think I honestly can say that the only reason I even chose to stay a virgin is strictly because of the convictions God put in my heart, and not because of any sex education at school (always lame) or those "talks" with mom and dad. I seriously don't think my parents have that much to do with it at all. Of course, I COULD be wrong, and just have a bad memory. I'm sure she's said a few things, a few general things, like "Have sex when you get married" things, but nothing that talks about the sexual feelings I'd have BEFORE the marriage. I seriously don't recall talks like that at ALL. *cringe*

Too many Christians seem to believe that single people should be virtually asexual - no sexual responses or desires. That has more to do with Greek dualism or Eastern ascetic teachings than Christianity.



Here is some of the things that are perfectly normal human sexuality

Erections – they come and go, often for very little reason. This is often no more than normal biological function. Women have their own physical sensations they can identify as sexual awareness/arousal.

A general interest in sexual matters. Sex is a significant part of our humanity. Interest can vary according to one’s level of sex drive. For most people sex is pretty interesting.

Interest in the opposite sex. An interest in the human body, especially of the opposite sex is not inherently deviant as many seem to think. Romantic feelings. aspirations etc are also quite normal.

Associated with the last point there is the huge area of body image, of being seen to be attractive or desirable.

Getting good information about sexual development, values and issues facing teenagers, even though you may find this a bit stimulating at times - that's just the way we function as human beings.

Discussing sexual issues with someone older who is not hung up and easily and Is not judgemental about sex



Here are some traps

Porn – this is never right, but must not be confused with a fairly widespread interest in the bodies of the opposite sex.

Indulging in unhelpful sexual material that arouses but conveys no positive message and does not satisfy

Spending too much time indulging in sexual thoughts and imaginations that arouse you

Dating and intimacy too early. This can result in sexual activity long before marriage is an option, which is not a wise choice. Also many people have abandoned traditional moral restraints on sexual activity, and especially women can find the constant pressure of relationships plus inevitable sexual advances as the price of a relationship produces a real conflict between values and desire for relationship and intimacy.

Some movies, literature and some printed material. You may handle the same material OK later in life, but with at a high hormones stage and no married partner means unnecessary sexual arousal will not be very helpful



Please remember not all sexual thoughts, even those which result in erections or other arousal, are necessarily lustful, impure or have a 'made in hell' stamp on them. The problem is few Christians will give you useful guidelines to sort out which are which. Hopefully, the above thoughts may give some helpful insights.



John

NZ

 

[Niels]

It's Ok for married people to need love, so much so that it's encouraged. But it's not Ok for single people to have such desires. When it happens with us, our hearts are dismissed as lustful, and we're admonished not to have such feelings... unlike married people who are so pure, holy and mature by default! (sarcasm)

Christian culture seems hell-bent on stripping singles of their confidence by dismissing them as something less than human... even when they abstain from sexual activity, try to put their faith into practice, and treat members of the opposite sex decently from the get-go.

It's funny... Way back when, I was an 11 yr. old who read all he could about sex (no, not porn... though I periodically struggled with that later in life), constantly dreamed about girls... many of those dreams quite noble... some quite racy, had plenty of female friends that were just friends... so it's not like I got weird around girls in general, went through the 20s without the slightest hint of sexual decline, and can be so overwhelmed by feelings (no, I'm not talking about erections) that it nearly immobilizes me... you get the point. All the while, the church and family associated sex to negative things... or said such hopes were just the result of being brainwashed by the media. At times, it's made me feel like the most evil person in the world, just for wanting love. Like a raging bull in a china shop... while others may even interpret it as passivity. The sad irony of it all.

This is my biggest gripe with Christian culture, that it can twist things like this... and we're ultimately the ones who must suffer the consequences of what was certainly well-intentioned to begin with.

That said, I can't wait until I grow up... oh wait, I'm already old (!)... and subject my kids to this crap. (pardon the strong language and sarcasm) Don't get me wrong, I think it's great to abstain from sexual activity until marriage... and I'd do (or not do?) it all again if I had the chance, but we shouldn't make our young people feel like sub-humans just because they think a girl's pretty or whatever.

As you may have gathered, this is an emotional issue for me (as it obviously is for others too). I'm generally a level-headed guy, and I realize that it's ugly and repulsive to not be content with wherever we are, but I have no reason to believe that most of this frustation will not vanish when I find the love of a woman. And no, it's not simply a matter of being 'horny'.


*waits patiently for a few to tell me how little faith I have*

 

[mina]

mrkguy, I agree with you. People do treat singles as "sub-humans" or not strong in the faith if they admit to having normal regular human feelings towards sex. I don't think it should be that way. It's like people think our sexuality isn't supposed exist when we are single and then all of a sudden get flipped on when we marry. If you are a normal , healthy , human adult you will probably experience sexual feelings at some point (some more than others). I've felt that the church's attitude towards that regarding singles is to just ignore it the best you can and if you struggle with it you are a horrible Christian and a dirty person and you don't have enough faith. And that marriage is a solve all. I wish the church would instruct single adults on how to manage sexual feelings or longings and stress the importance of not looking to marriage as the cure, but to be careful about who you marry. I do believe a fruit of the sprit is self-control not avoidance of the issue altogether. I honestly don't think that churches know how to address single adults who are out of college and beyond. I want to be married, but I'm not and I want to know how to deal with all of it (sexual frustration, disappointment, lonliness,longing for a mate etc..) sometimes. I get the feeling that Churches don't know how to address these things because they simply don't know. I hope what I said made sense.

 

[JPPT1974]

I really don't fantasized about sex at all
It really doesn't bother me
Whether you all believe me or not
Because I am doing the best to save having sex
For my husband, who also has to be my boyfriend first.
God wants me to obey Him no matter what occurs.
What He says goes and rules in my life.

 

[growingupinhim]

very good topic...

www.settingcaptivesfree.com has a great info on purity for singles as well.

 

[Niels]

very good topic...

www.settingcaptivesfree.com has a great info on purity for singles as well.

Site looks pretty good (especially for new believers, and those having difficulty keeping the pounds off)... but what does it specifically have to do with being single? Are you suggesting that having been fearfully and wonderfully made, in such a way as to yearn a spouse, is sinful?

In response to the name of the site, I sure don't feel like a captive. And why should I even want to be "set free" from my need for intimate affection and love?

 

[platinumike]

I thought i was bad, you guys have alot more frustrations than I do. I dunno how to adress the women on this one, especially since they seem to be the most prevelant in this thread. For a Christian guy, the temptation isnt really there unless your going to places, or hanging with people you shouldnt be in the first place. OF course the big question arises if you have a girlfriend...in which case you should only have a Christian GF in the first place.

 

[JPPT1974]

Site looks pretty good (especially for new believers, and those having difficulty keeping the pounds off)... but what does it specifically have to do with being single? Are you suggesting that having been fearfully and wonderfully made, in such a way as to yearn a spouse, is sinful?

In response to the name of the site, I sure don't feel like a captive. And why should I even want to be "set free" from my need for intimate affection and love?

It does look very good despite the sinful thing
On earning a spouse for all the wrong reasons
I also don't feel like a captive at all.
I am set free in Jesus.

 

[TriptychR]

very good topic...

www.settingcaptivesfree.com has a great info on purity for singles as well.

Thanks for the link, but I don't think this topic has been focusing on struggles with remaining pure more than simply being able to speak about sex. I'm sure your intentions are good and I really appreciate that, but this is really proving what seems to be the prevalent thought in the church: "Singles want to talk about sex? There must be something wrong they're doing they must be saved from!"

 

[growingupinhim]

Site looks pretty good (especially for new believers, and those having difficulty keeping the pounds off)... but what does it specifically have to do with being single? Are you suggesting that having been fearfully and wonderfully made, in such a way as to yearn a spouse, is sinful?

In response to the name of the site, I sure don't feel like a captive. And why should I even want to be "set free" from my need for intimate affection and love?

nope..though many single men and women when lonely have fallen into sexual immorality..as they wait for a spouse..the site on sexual purity is wonderful for those who take matters into thier own hands (uncleaness) or worse look upon evil (porn)..thats what the site has to do with singles being sexually frustrated, as the topic is about!

 

[GQ Chris]

It's Ok for married people to need love, so much so that it's encouraged. But it's not Ok for single people to have such desires. When it happens with us, our hearts are dismissed as lustful, and we're admonished not to have such feelings... unlike married people who are so pure, holy and mature by default! (sarcasm)

Christian culture seems hell-bent on stripping singles of their confidence by dismissing them as something less than human... even when they abstain from sexual activity, try to put their faith into practice, and treat members of the opposite sex decently from the get-go.

It's funny... Way back when, I was an 11 yr. old who read all he could about sex (no, not porn... though I periodically struggled with that later in life), constantly dreamed about girls... many of those dreams quite noble... some quite racy, had plenty of female friends that were just friends... so it's not like I got weird around girls in general, went through the 20s without the slightest hint of sexual decline, and can be so overwhelmed by feelings (no, I'm not talking about erections) that it nearly immobilizes me... you get the point. All the while, the church and family associated sex to negative things... or said such hopes were just the result of being brainwashed by the media. At times, it's made me feel like the most evil person in the world, just for wanting love. Like a raging bull in a china shop... while others may even interpret it as passivity. The sad irony of it all.

This is my biggest gripe with Christian culture, that it can twist things like this... and we're ultimately the ones who must suffer the consequences of what was certainly well-intentioned to begin with.

That said, I can't wait until I grow up... oh wait, I'm already old (!)... and subject my kids to this crap. (pardon the strong language and sarcasm) Don't get me wrong, I think it's great to abstain from sexual activity until marriage... and I'd do (or not do?) it all again if I had the chance, but we shouldn't make our young people feel like sub-humans just because they think a girl's pretty or whatever.

As you may have gathered, this is an emotional issue for me (as it obviously is for others too). I'm generally a level-headed guy, and I realize that it's ugly and repulsive to not be content with wherever we are, but I have no reason to believe that most of this frustation will not vanish when I find the love of a woman. And no, it's not simply a matter of being 'horny'.


*waits patiently for a few to tell me how little faith I have*

FINALLY, another 30 year old that feels the same way I do!! I ditto everything, but I will add that since I grew up Catholic, I never experienced so much condemnation about love, sex, and wanting love.

 

[JPPT1974]

FINALLY, another 30 year old that feels the same way I do!! I ditto everything, but I will add that since I grew up Catholic, I never experienced so much condemnation about love, sex, and wanting love.

Hey I am thirty-one years old
I have never experienced so much condemnation either myself!