Singles are Sexually Frustrated

[GQ Chris]

I've turned over a new leaf. I've been a Christian now for about 6 years; but this year I vow to remain sexually pure. It is really tough sometimes because you think back on past experiences and it's just easy to dwell on.

 

[BeautyForAshes]

Well, I have been together with non-Christian girls before and we had sex a lot and now when I'm single and looking for that special one, I have no trouble with sexual frustration really. The parts that I do miss is, that call before you go to sleep when you speak to your loved one, when you hold hands at the movies, when you lay on the bed talking and cuddling for hours.

I TOTALLY can relate to this. I don't miss sex nor am I frustrated about it. Its the smaller, more intimate gestures of a relationship that I miss (ex. cuddling, hugs, tender kisses, etc.).

 

[KrillBee]

People are overly dramatic about sex. You haven't lived until you have tried sex, we are told. It will change your entire perspective, we are told. You will be so glad that you waited, conservative evangelicals like to tell us.

It is no wonder why a lot of married and non-married people are frustrated by sex. They have unrealistic expectations.

Sex is a powerful force that has to be contained and controlled, we are told. Entire civilizations will collapse if we don't control sex, we are told.

From my vantage point it looks like we allow sex to control us. Hollywood liberals and Bible Belt conservatives alike allow sex to dominate.

I agree with everything you've said here!

 

[GQ Chris]

I don't think that all singles are sexually frustrated, just the ones that don't touch.

 

[GQ Chris]

Whoa did I just say that out loud, lol.

 

[awashinlove]

Whoa did I just say that out loud, lol.

Hey, let's go with 'no.'

I think on this matter I agree with LOVEthroughINTELLECT. Good post.

 

[septemberskies]

I think sexual frustration ranks #2 for sure... I was like "#5? You've got to be kidding me!"

I don't think that all singles are sexually frustrated, just the ones that don't touch.

LOL

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I don't think that all singles are sexually frustrated, just the ones that don't touch.

I have to disagree with this. It's much better as a shared event with someone you love and are married to.
This would be #2 for me also-worse now since I thought I was so close to getting married again and had already been imagining.........

 

[GQ Chris]

I have to disagree with this. It's much better as a shared event with someone you love and are married to.

Yes, obviously. But when in doubt......(you finish the rhyme) lol.

 

[Highland Watchman]

I don't think that all singles are sexually frustrated, just the ones that don't touch.

Hm... I don't know about this. I would actually almost think that the opposite to this is true, that those who touch a lot tend to do it out of major sexual frustration. And this is especially the case when inappropriate contentography is also used... because there is also the guilt and shame that is attached to this, and it becomes WAY too awkward.

And the desire does tend to fluxuate as you would look to various people. There are some who really think nothing of it, and others who desire it so greatly that it encompasses a large part of who they are... and most of us would fall somewhere in the middle of that.

Where would the sexual frustration fall in for me? I think a lot of it depends on the day. And it's not my #1 frustration in being single, but it is pretty close to there (definitely in the top 5). Now, is this because 7 years ago I engaged in premarital sex and have turned away from that lifestyle, but still have dreams and memories of it? Maybe. Is it because of the media's pressure telling me that the ultimate experience to be had is in sexual union with an uber hot woman? Perhaps. Is it because of the in-crowd mentality in a lot of the churches that places a stigma on the adult single? A little, I guess. Is it that part of me that desires to love another, to care for her, to show affection, and to be completed and complemented by someone, and to share in that physical, spiritual, and emotional union, which is God's ultimate will and desire, and original plan, if not for the Fall? Possibly. Is it the realization that I am not getting any younger, and that part of me feels that I am wasting my younger years, which apparently are the years when sex is most frequent (apparently)? Um... I think it's a combination of these reasons that this frustration is there.

Of course, it's not made all that better when all of these people around you are getting married and starting to have families, including younger siblings and associates whom you've mentored and seen grown up, and yet you are still sitting there as a single person...

But then I begin thinking of what it will be like if I was married, and if I did have the legal and moral grounds to enjoy sex with my wife, and I seriously wonder if I would know what to do with it. Kind of like my dog, Abby, who always used to love chasing squirrils... and would even sit under the trees and stare up at them as they would lecture her in their chirps. I honestly don't think she would know what to do with a squirril if she caught one... and in a way, I'm not sure I'd know what to do with a wife if I ever cought one. It's a weird way of thinking about it. Maybe it's the thrill of the unknown and of the chase, or maybe it's the hopeless romantic side in me that longs for and seeks it, without knowing even what you're supposed to do when you catch your quarry.

 

[JPPT1974]

Well I am a virgin
Don't really want sex
Just yet
That is if the Lord wants me to marry
I will only have sex when I am married
If I am in a relationship, I want to be a virgin
The same for my boyfriend.

 

[Johnnz]

Some who have posted here mentioned an information gap on singles and sexuality. Neither churches nor parents seem to provide a lot of useful information.



What issues/topics would singles like to see on the agenda?


John
NZ

 

[JPPT1974]

I don't know
Since there are so many
I will think about it
But sexual intones would be a good place to start!

 

[TriptychR]

Some who have posted here mentioned an information gap on singles and sexuality. Neither churches nor parents seem to provide a lot of useful information.



What issues/topics would singles like to see on the agenda?


John
NZ

I don't think it's really information we want as much as the acknowledgment that sex is something we sometimes think about. We want to know that we can talk to others about sex without them looking awkwardly towards the door.

 

[septemberskies]

I don't think it's really information we want as much as the acknowledgment that sex is something we sometimes think about. We want to know that we can talk to others about sex without them looking awkwardly towards the door.

That's true.

Its pretty cut and dry that your not suppose to be thinking about it and have your thoughts under control... but we are only human and the flesh is weak. I guess lots of people assume that since we aren't married the desire is non existent (oh how i wish that were true many days).

 

[lunalinda]

That's true.

Its pretty cut and dry that your not suppose to be thinking about it and have your thoughts under control... but we are only human and the flesh is weak. I guess lots of people assume that since we aren't married the desire is non existent (oh how i wish that were true many days).

Hear, hear! It's like, "Uhhh...so because I'm not married, it means I wouldn't want sex?" PFFT! That's like saying just because I'm not at a pizza place, it means I wouldn't want pizza." HORRORS!

 

[Johnnz]

That's true.

Its pretty cut and dry that your not suppose to be thinking about it and have your thoughts under control... but we are only human and the flesh is weak. I guess lots of people assume that since we aren't married the desire is non existent (oh how i wish that were true many days).

Thanks for that comment. It shows the huge information gap out there. No one is spelling out what normal sexuality is. Of course singles aren't asexual, but a lot of Christian teaching almost implies that they should be. Many singles are placed in the position where they fear that any thoughts about sex are 'lustful' and therefore wrong. That's crazy. Normal, healthy human sexuality is just as alive in singles as it is in married couples. Horrors!

This is what really needs to be openly discussed, so that singles can intergrate their sexuality with their christian values without constant tensions and guilt.

John
NZ

 

[NicelyAged]

Wow, what a lot of interesting and thoughtful responses. Honest acknowledgements that the Church has really dropped the ball with sex. That has a lot to do with why it's a struggle. The church has also perpetuated some lies to keep sex under the rug. Here's a few.

*Sex is just a teeny tiny part of your relationship. Not really important
*Women really aren't that interested in sex
*Sex will all come together, no problem. (It won't if the couple is not a good match sexually).

There's more but my post is going to be long enough as it is.

Unfortunately, what Mr. Johnz said about it's not going to change I think is accurate. Pretty much anyone in Church leadership would be afraid of potential legal risks that would come with dealing with sexual issues. Scandals, harrassment, lawsuits and you name it would likely happen. Parents would get ticked off at youth pastors for trying to address sex, even bilbically, with their youth groups. And all of this would be published on television. It would be a monumental legal quagmire.


I also like what Whitestar said about only hearing about frustrations from married couples. They have no where to go for help. Since most church leadership is male, the counsellors can only counsel the men or they'll end up in court. Another reason why the contemporary church needs more female counsellors and Pastors, to help the women. Sadly, if a Christian married couple does have sexual issues, they're basically left to just live with a marriage with bad sex. This is the potential drawback of no sex before marriage that Christian couples have to face. Couples have no way of knowing if they're a good fit for each other sexually before they get married. While no sex before marriage is considered the pure way to do it, it comes with risk. And I don't recall anywhere in scripture where is says that if you wait, you're guaranteed a great sex life.

So, when it's all said and done, the Church has just said "no sex before marriage" and shutup. It's safe.

 

[JPPT1974]

That's true.

Its pretty cut and dry that your not suppose to be thinking about it and have your thoughts under control... but we are only human and the flesh is weak. I guess lots of people assume that since we aren't married the desire is non existent (oh how i wish that were true many days).

You are right about that my friend
We are human and vulernable
As well as fair game
But with Christ, we can avoid temptation
By leaning on Him.

 

[Johnnz]

Nicelyaged (what an intriguing name!),



You have identified how deeply embedded issues of human sexuality really are. It’s worthwhile being aware of that fact. We are not going to see the church change significantly.



But singles don’t need to despair. Fortunately we now have the internet and this forum where people can more openly discuss sexual matters – and they do. Readership of sexual threads is generally way ahead of other topics. Doesn’t that say something?



Let’s use this thread for some open discussion. Also, I am happy to respond to individual questions or concerns if anyone wants to PM me. To start the ball rolling here are a few thoughts that an ancient gentleman has pieced together over several decades of sexual awareness.



Issues of human sexuality are largely wrapped in feelings of shame, embarrassment and intense privacy. Christians have traditionally justified these values from the Genesis story. God clothed Adam and Eve to cover their shame at their nakedness, thereby declaring that the human body was to remain covered, and that modesty regarding sexual matters and the sexual parts of our bodies in particular was a divine standard for fallen mankind. This is one major factor in current attitudes amongst Christians.



I have rejected shame as a basis for sexual morality. Why? The Genesis story begins with mankind’s creation, where they were ‘naked and not ashamed’. That phrase is not primarily about the absence of clothing. The Hebrew word here refers more to openness, innocence, or transparency than being clothes free, although the couple obviously were. Without sin there is no need for protection or barriers of any sort over the entire range of human experience, including our relationship with God. There will be no privacy as we understand that term in heaven. Scary thought.



I believe that the Genesis story sets out, very briefly, God’s intentions for mankind. Sin cut across that of course, but I accept that the NT teaching on the Kingdom of God has those early principles in view. Jesus set out to restore us to that lifestyle, and we can begin to experience aspects of them already, even in a fallen world.



I don’t want those comments to end up in a debate about the interpretation of the Genesis story. What I do want to throw out for readers’ contemplation is this.



“We have all grown up within a shame based culture towards human sexuality. If shame is not a valid basis from which to understand human sexuality, then in what way would we think about sex if we shame was not the basis to evaluate our sexuality?”



John

NZ