Single and lonely.

bèlla · Dec 11, 2022

DragonFox91 said:
It has not been a good past couple of days. I am sad. I wish girls weren't so hard I feel like a loser. I lose w/ girls so what else would I be?

I don’t think you’re loser. Things are harder now. I’ve been listening to the Tate brothers and two others in that space primarily for motivational content but they touch on male/female interactions frequently. The majority are struggling. That wasn’t the case in the past.

We live in a status driven culture. A lot of women are pursuing or desiring “high-value men” and ignoring the rest. I don’t know what percentage of believers fall in that group but they're in the mix. They’re not alone. Men have similar attractions to the “hot chick” and “that girl.”

What is a high-value man.

This is a good piece on the subject.

There’s a noticeable bias towards hyper masculinity and hyper femininity on social media that’s affecting the culture and relational perspectives. This is what they see.

When that’s your ideal you don’t notice the norm. It distorts your conception of masculinity/femininity. Everyone can’t be like that nor do they want to. But these are the men the women in your demographic are responding to. That’s your dilemma.

What’s the solution? You need a year or two of self-investment. Deepening your relationship with Yahweh, strengthening your mind and body, healing from disappointment and yearning, and pushing yourself. Start a project. Make it a side hustle. Get out of your norm. Do something that fosters pride and enjoyment. You won’t emit the energy they’re seeking if you feel like a loser.

If you’re not encountering her in your environment or through your connections raise the bar. More than likely the one you want is in a different setting. Stop blaming yourself.

~bella

ThisIsMe123 · Dec 12, 2022

Tony Ramirez said:
For me there are three girls from Church (two that talked to me and one I am terrified to even approach her) but I am terrified to even ask for a coffee date as they most likely will say no because there is a great chance they have a boyfriend.

So you don't even know? Why don't you find out?

High Fidelity · Dec 12, 2022

pen_and_poetry said:
Hang in there, DragonFox. I'm a woman, and I want to get married but I know what you mean. I think our culture tells men AND women though that you need to focus on yourself, that you don't want to settle down even into your 30s (yeah, I saw that the other day) because you're always growing and changing as a person. Well, I think the only critical years are up to 25 where obviously the brain changes and matures. I could see an argument for not marrying before 25 but everything after that is BS advice designed to keep people unhappy.

Keep being true about what you want. Keep improving yourself while you're single. Make yourself the best possible version even if you feel like crap today. Learn flirting and other techniques. Get out there in to social hobbies. Get into shape, dress nicely, you know what I mean. MAKE IT HAPPEN.

When I was single in my 20s (before I was briefly married and then divorced), I know the feeling of watching my friends being in relationships and I was unhappy. I'm not a man, but I realised after I got married that I was looking for a relationship to fill holes in my life and I should have enjoyed being single. I should have made sure my relationship with God was better. I'm single again and it's still a struggle but I have a better perspective now.

Praying for you.

I think it’s a bit short-sighted trying to quantify objectively at what age someone is or isn’t ready for marriage. There’s absolutely zero chance I was ready for marriage before 30, for example.

It’s not wrong to be selfish, either. A successful and healthy couple is comprised of two individuals; taking time to find out exactly who we are, what we want in life and what we want in a spouse is something we learn at different rates and often through trial and a lot of error. It’s difficult to say when a person will emerge from that process and be ready.

I do think younger than 25 is a mistake but largely down to where most people are in their life stage at that point, not simply the number.

There’s also absolutely zero chance I marry someone without living with them first. The saying “you don’t know someone until you live with them” is very true in many cases.

Tony Ramirez · Dec 12, 2022

DragonFox91 said:
I wish my threads hadn't gotten locked.
It is not a good day today. Today's very bad. I've been doing so good but today is not good. I will never be able to date & get married. Nothing I do changes or fixes it. I try so hard & nothing works. I always lose. Other really late-bloomers I know have started to get dates & I still get nothing. I've never even had a girl interested. Only a couple short-term friendships. That is it. I don't know what to do to change or fix it.
I've always wanted to date & get married. I've been waiting so long. I find things to occupy me but it just seems like it's a cheap band-aid. You're just pretending it's not really a problem. I should try & watch a movie right now but what's the point? It's just pretending there's not a problem.
No one ever tries to hook me up, no one ever has a daughter, or sister, or niece, or granddaughter, or anyone. Girls I meet are in relationships or married. When you find a single, she wouldn't be compatible w/ me. How on earth am I supposed to find one who's single & compatible. It's impossible. There's never any coworkers. There's never any in church groups. There's never any friends of friends. There's never any neighbors.
I don't want to grow out of it. I don't want to get into my 40s & 50s & say ' I'm still single & don't want to get married'. I want to date & get married! I will die on this hill!
Dating sites are completely useless. Usually they don't write anything so you're basically talking to a brick wall & taking a shot in the dark, so no wonder I only get 1 in 1,000,000 responses. But the responses I get are 1 word answers & then it's done. If dating sites is how people get relationships now, it's done for me; it is all over.
I thought things would change. I thought as I got older, more doors would open, but they're all closed. It's like I'm stuck in middle school & I still can't find a girl.

It's not that easy.

I agree with you. That is my life, especially the couple of short-term friendships. I joined a new life group which is mixed with couples and possible single girls note the word possible as they might have boyfriends. But it looks more positive as if they have a boyfriend, they keep talking about him all the time. So, there is this one cute girl from the new life group where we are on speaking terms. She said hi to me and we talked this Sunday during Church as I sat near her. I like being around her, but I know something will ruin it like she will say one day meet my boyfriend then I must pretend I like the guy when I am just jealous of him.

DragonFox91 · Dec 12, 2022

I am doing much better today. Not sure what was wrong yesterday

DragonFox91 · Dec 12, 2022

DragonFox91 said:
DragonFox91 said:

For me it's not a lonely feeling. I rarely get lonely. It's an emptiness feeling.

Click to expand...

It feels like something's missing, like you're missing someone. Do you ever have a family event or gathering w/ friends but one person isn't there & you want them to be there & everyone else does too? It's like that feeling. It's not lonliness. It's that feeling.

I struggled making friends for a time in middle school. There were people I'd talk to but I wanted a real friend. It made me sad. Then in high school I met my friend that we've been friends since. Were you ever in that situation where you struggled making a friend & wanted one & then got a friend & it was what you wanted? It's sort of like that feeling too, only you want a different kind of friend.

DragonFox91 said:
So many guys want to be married but not as many girls. There's not as many girls to go around. Some guys will be left out.

I have a job & my own place so that puts me ahead of a lot of guys right off the bat

DragonFox91 · Dec 12, 2022

bèlla said:
This reminds me of a series I’m watching. He dissects the messages in the films and their impact on men. I’ve seen two thus far and I’ll post all three. He touches on many issues frequently mentioned here.

I've seen the 1st 2 movies. I watched the Taxi Driver video.

bèlla · Dec 12, 2022

DragonFox91 said:
I've seen the 1st 2 movies. I watched the Taxi Driver video.

I shared them for a reason. They illustrate what’s happening now which suggests it isn’t happenstance. Movies are frequent tools for predictive programming. In a roundabout way they tell you where we’re heading. The decimation of men is demonstrated in entertainment. It isn’t a coincidence. The struggles were engineered for his undoing.

It’s not you. It’s bigger than that.

~bella

DragonFox91 · Dec 13, 2022

peaceful-forest said:
I understand your view point. When I had thought about doing online dating a while back, I was worried that guys wouldn't date me because I had quit attending church. When I stopped going to church, I had been good about watching Charles Stanley every Sunday as a replacement, but something happened and I stopped. But I've been making an effort to watch, listen, or read something on his app every Sunday now.

If you haven't done so already pray to God about giving you a spouse. God does a much better job picking out someone for us than we do on our own. I'm single right now but I know God has a spouse for me in the future (He told me, that's how I know). Hopefully He'll give you someone.

I mean in the terms of sacrifice. If I’m not willing to sacrifice my morning for church, how will God expect me to sacrifice my morning for a girl, or children maybe down the line? When I don’t go to church, it’s entirely for self-centered reasons. I want a break. I want to relax. I want to do what I want to do. It’s not anti-God in its motivation, it’s pro-me.

bèlla · Dec 13, 2022

DragonFox91 said:
I mean in the terms of sacrifice. If I’m not willing to sacrifice my morning for church, how will God expect me to sacrifice my morning for a girl, or children maybe down the line? When I don’t go to church, it’s entirely for self-centered reasons. I want a break. I want to relax. I want to do what I want to do. It’s not anti-God in its motivation, it’s pro-me.

Yahweh knows your heart. Given your desire for marriage and family you’re unlikely to display the selfshness you suspect and He knows. Rather than view your absence negatively seek its cause. Is it really self-centered or does church attendance deepen your sorrow unintentionally? If you have to put on a brave face while attending it isn’t odd to need a break every once in awhile.

So schedule them. Give yourself one Sunday per month to decompress and keep your spirits up. Maybe you can fast, spend time in prayer or work through a devotional? It’s a good way to recharge your psyche and settle your emotions. This may be the best coping mechanism for you during this season.

~bella

DragonFox91 · Dec 13, 2022

Today isn’t as good as yesterday. I am sad today. Yesterday I was fine. It feels like I’ve run out of time.

Saucy · Dec 13, 2022

DragonFox91 said:
Today isn’t as good as yesterday. I am sad today. Yesterday I was fine. It feels like I’ve run out of time.

Run out of time for what? I'm like 10 years older than you and still very hopeful!

pen_and_poetry · Dec 13, 2022

DragonFox91 said:
Today isn’t as good as yesterday. I am sad today. Yesterday I was fine. It feels like I’ve run out of time.

Please for your own mental health, focus on getting a healthier perspective and stabilising your moods. I really feel for you that you are in such a bad way but you have to fix your emotional roller coaster before you're in any position to date. And I know the turmoil you're in because I've been on that roller coaster myself and it isn't fun. Find anything that breaks that vicious cycle you're in. Environments impact us and changing those up can make huge differences in our moods. Do the opposite, do something unexpected, whatever it is. Or, as my therapist once suggested, give yourself a strict time limit on those bad feelings and then intentionally put them aside when the timer is up. When I was in some very dark times, I forced myself to listen to music with realistic, upbeat lyrics that brought me up. It really, really worked. Or, I fill my social media with things I love like wild animals and beautiful nature--something that brings me joy with 0 effort.

And remember that your emotions are not reality. If I miss my abusive mother, does that mean I should go back to her? Heck no. Determine how POSITIVELY you are going to feel and stick the heck with it. Look into inner and outer locus of control. Look into cognitive behavioural therapy. Get a therapist or counsellor or mentor, someone you can talk to get those thoughts out and put some outer perspective into your brain. Journal. You should work on your emotions first and you will be a much happier person.

[I won't harp on improving one's relationship with God because I'm considering that a given. I'm talking about less-discussed ideas ]

See how none of this involves finding a woman? Because none of that matters in fixing yourself. Remember that you are VALUABLE as you, yourself. We're rooting and praying for you.

Tony Ramirez · Dec 13, 2022

Same here I'm 45 1/2. I feel like my time has ran out.

DragonFox91 · Dec 13, 2022

Tony Ramirez said:
Same here I'm 45 1/2. I feel like my time has ran out.

That's depressing

lismore · Dec 13, 2022

Tony Ramirez said:
Same here I'm 45 1/2. I feel like my time has ran out.

Hi Tony! Don't be downcast. God's purpose and his timing are perfect. Seek first the Kingdom and his righteousness and all other things shall be added. You've already hit the jackpot, being saved, being on the narrow path to life when so many are on the broad road to hell. You've got so much going for you, so much potential. God Bless

lismore · Dec 13, 2022

A lot of married people are miserable and lonely. But the joy of the Lord is your strength. God Bless

Sketcher · Dec 13, 2022

bèlla said:
I don’t think you’re loser. Things are harder now. I’ve been listening to the Tate brothers and two others in that space primarily for motivational content but they touch on male/female interactions frequently. The majority are struggling. That wasn’t the case in the past.

We live in a status driven culture. A lot of women are pursuing or desiring “high-value men” and ignoring the rest. I don’t know what percentage of believers fall in that group but they're in the mix. They’re not alone. Men have similar attractions to the “hot chick” and “that girl.”

What is a high-value man.

This is a good piece on the subject.

There’s a noticeable bias towards hyper masculinity and hyper femininity on social media that’s affecting the culture and relational perspectives. This is what they see.

View attachment 324772
View attachment 324773
View attachment 324774

When that’s your ideal you don’t notice the norm. It distorts your conception of masculinity/femininity. Everyone can’t be like that nor do they want to. But these are the men the women in your demographic are responding to. That’s your dilemma.

What’s the solution? You need a year or two of self-investment. Deepening your relationship with Yahweh, strengthening your mind and body, healing from disappointment and yearning, and pushing yourself. Start a project. Make it a side hustle. Get out of your norm. Do something that fosters pride and enjoyment. You won’t emit the energy they’re seeking if you feel like a loser.

If you’re not encountering her in your environment or through your connections raise the bar. More than likely the one you want is in a different setting. Stop blaming yourself.

~bella

Kevin Samuels was amazing. Woman after woman would call into his show voluntarily and essentially get the same roast every time. I really don't know what was going through their heads. Especially since any intelligent person knows that he couldn't have been anywhere nearly as rich as he was portraying himself to be. But he was fully qualified to answer the questions they kept asking because he was a man and he knew what men want and that's what they kept asking him. RIP.

Andrew Tate. He's as morally poor as he is materially rich, but I give him credit for working - just not what his post-kickboxing work was. He sometimes speaks true things that are against the toxic feminists, but his relationship goals are not Christian ones. For those who didn't see past his marketing, his "courses" appear to not be good either.

Citanul · Dec 13, 2022

Saucy said:
DragonFox91 said:

Today isn’t as good as yesterday. I am sad today. Yesterday I was fine. It feels like I’ve run out of time.

Click to expand...

Run out of time for what? I'm like 10 years older than you and still very hopeful!

Tony Ramirez said:
Same here I'm 45 1/2. I feel like my time has ran out.

My sister got engaged this week to someone who's 46, and people get married at even older ages, so it's certainly still possible.

Saucy · Dec 13, 2022

Citanul said:
My sister got engaged this week to someone who's 46, and people get married at even older ages, so it's certainly still possible.

Congrats to your sister...unless you don't like him lol

Single and lonely.

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