Should I tell my new girlfriend about this past dark event?

[DonCania]

it's none of her business. you don't owe her an answer.

Deep down, I feel terrible because I feel like she was alluding to whether or not I'm a virgin, even though her question only had the word "dating" in it. After my response, she stated, "I'm glad you value that." Any thoughts/advice?

 

[Kaon]

I've been dating this Christian woman for 5 months total, exclusive for one month, and it truly feels like God brought us together. However, a tidbit of my past just started haunting me. Five years ago, I went to an escort at a brothel in Germany. I was so subconsciously disgusted with myself that I didn't finish, (but still had intercouse for less than 2 seconds), got dressed, and ran out. I have repented since, and have prayed more about it recently. That past is long gone.

3 weeks into our exclusive relationship (1 month), she asked "how far do you go physically in dating?" I said, "I'm waiting for marriage on everything," and she said the same. Her question was dating-related in my eyes and everyone I EVER dated, I've been saving for marriage, no exceptions. I omitted the key fact from 5 years ago because I figured a month in is too short to be discussing deep secrets like this. I still feel as if I misled her, since she may have construed my answer as I am still a virgin. Should I bring up the escort experience from 5 yrs ago, something that doesn't define who I am today? If so, how and when? I feel guilty.

...

Telling anyone about your transgressions is a tricky issue. In general, you are only obligated to confess things to the Most High God. Telling the truth about you gives other people the opportunity to choose you for who you are.

However, if your sin can affect someone in a(n in)direct way, it may be good to confess something. It doesn't even matter how long it has been. However, you can always give some hints as opposed to giving up everything in one month. For example, you can let her know after one month that you have "been into some crazy things". If she asks at one month, you have to choose to elaborate depending on the circumstances and the condition of your relationship. Maybe after a year you can say you went to a brothel many years ago and see how that works.

What I wouldn't say is that you "didn't finished", or any extra non-pertinent details - unless she asks.

 

[joshua 1 9]

I feel guilty.

Telling somebody something that is going to make them feel bad so you can feel better is not the way to go. Of course we have to be honest, we can not lie. So if she asks you a direct question then you either have to tell her or not say anything at all. This gives her control over how much she wants to know.

 

[DonCania]

...

Telling anyone about your transgressions is a tricky issue. In general, you are only obligated to confess things to the Most High God. Telling the truth about you gives other people the opportunity to choose you for who you are.

However, if your sin can affect someone in a(n in)direct way, it may be good to confess something. It doesn't even matter how long it has been. However, you can always give some hints as opposed to giving up everything in one month. For example, you can let her know after one month that you have "been into some crazy things". If she asks at one month, you have to choose to elaborate depending on the circumstances and the condition of your relationship. Maybe after a year you can say you went to a brothel many years ago and see how that works.

What I wouldn't say is that you "didn't finished", or any extra non-pertinent details - unless she asks.

When you mention I should say under the vagueness of, "I have been into some crazy things," should I leave it at that for her interpretation until she asks a question about it or should I say it along the lines of "I have past sins that I want to bring up?"

Why do you recommend I not mention "didn't finish?" I mentioned it because I feel it's an essential fact that I left midway through the act. Is it because it goes into too much detail?

 

[DonCania]

Telling somebody something that is going to make them feel bad so you can feel better is not the way to go. Of course we have to be honest, we can not lie. So if she asks you a direct question then you either have to tell her or not say anything at all. This gives her control over how much she wants to know.

Joshua,

I appreciate for your insightful response. I never thought about how I am focusing on me feeling better over my guilt, rather than her being transferred the burden of my past. However, at this point, I feel as if I lied to her with my initial response. I shouldn't correct it? Do you believe the question she asked was about losing virginity or just the dating process?

 

[joshua 1 9]

Deep down, I feel terrible because I feel like she was alluding to whether or not I'm a virgin, even though her question only had the word "dating" in it. After my response, she stated, "I'm glad you value that." Any thoughts/advice?

People have a right to be protected from any disease if you have exposed yourself to high risk behavior. Also people that have had three or more sex partners fall into the 50% divorce rate compared to 20% divorce rate for virgins or people with one or less sex partners. Often there is a higher divorce rate because there is more stress in these marriages.

 

[joshua 1 9]

Do you believe the question she asked alluded to losing virginity or the solely the dating process?

I think she was asking if you have any emotional ties to another women. I do not think it would occur to her to ask about casual contact even though that sort of contact is very high risk.

 

[ChicanaRose]

I said, "I'm waiting for marriage on everything," and she said the same.

You could talk further about it with her next time.

And if she doesn't accept you because of your past sin that has already been forgiven, then it's her loss, not yours.

 

[DonCania]

Boy that is a tough question. My first inclination is no. When God forgives, He forgets. You need to know if it is your conscience talking or Satan's accusation. It also depends on the girl. I'd not say anything until you are sure that you need to. If the relationship gets serious, you may need to bring it up. You will at least find out how forgiving she is!

Thanks for your answer, Aussie Pete. It's definitely my conscience talking. When I answered her question 3 weeks ago, it didn't bother me, especially since I DO value no sex during dating, and I've followed that my whole life. But unfortunately, because of my story, I am not a virgin.

How do I know that it may be time to bring it up? How late is too late to clarify my answer from 3 weeks ago? As stated, we've been dating for 5 months, and exclusive/official for only one of those months.

 

[Christ is Lord]

Since you’re both saving yourself until marriage why do you need to tell her on the basis that she deserves to know because of the risk of (STDs). Wouldn’t she only be obligated to know that if the relationship gets more serious?

 

[AlexDTX]

I've been dating this Christian woman for 5 months total, exclusive for one month, and it truly feels like God brought us together. However, a tidbit of my past just started haunting me. Five years ago, I went to an escort at a brothel in Germany. I was so subconsciously disgusted with myself that I didn't finish, (but still had intercouse for less than 2 seconds), got dressed, and ran out. I have repented since, and have prayed more about it recently. That past is long gone.

3 weeks into our exclusive relationship (1 month), she asked "how far do you go physically in dating?" I said, "I'm waiting for marriage on everything," and she said the same. Her question was dating-related in my eyes and everyone I EVER dated, I've been saving for marriage, no exceptions. I omitted the key fact from 5 years ago because I figured a month in is too short to be discussing deep secrets like this. I still feel as if I misled her, since she may have construed my answer as I am still a virgin. Should I bring up the escort experience from 5 yrs ago, something that doesn't define who I am today? If so, how and when? I feel guilty.

I suggest you ignore the comments from single people.
Don't bring it up, nor tell her.

Ecc_3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
Ecc_3:11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time:​

If the Lord wants you to tell her, there will be a right time. Otherwise, you simply muddy the waters.

 

[His student]

I still feel as if I misled her, since she may have construed my answer as I am still a virgin. Should I bring up the escort experience from 5 yrs ago, something that doesn't define who I am today? If so, how and when? I feel guilty.

If not telling her about that aborted brothel incident really bothers you so much that you can't forget it and you felt you had to bring it here, you should probably tell her.

IMO - you should sleep on it some. I suspect it'll be in better perspective in time and you really have nothing much to confess anyway as I see it.

But if you do end up telling her - IMO - you should leave out the "less than 2 seconds" silliness. I don't even know what that could entail.

Nor do I want to think about it. But she will think about it even if she doesn't want to.

If you get yourself into a situation where you have to describe the contact in particular detail, that'll be just plain painting an necessary and disgusting picture for her that she will not forget for a long time - if ever.

How'd you like for her to vomit up that vision on your wedding night just as you make first contact?

I'm a simple straight forward kind of guy - and I'm just sayin.

P.S.
You're still a virgin.

 

[Christ is Lord]

P.S.
You're still a virgin.

But I thought he said, "still had intercouse for less than 2 seconds".

 

[DonCania]

If not telling her about that aborted brothel incident bothers you so, you should tell her.

But - IMO - you should leave out the "less than 2 seconds" silliness. I don't even know what that could entail.

Nor do I want to think about it. But she will think about it even if she doesn't want to.

If you get yourself into a situation where you have to describe the contact in particular, that'll be just plain painting an necessary and disgusting picture for her that she will not forget for a long time - if ever.

How'd you like for her to vomit up that vision on your wedding night just as you make first contact?

I'm a simple straight forward kind of guy - and I'm just sayin.

P.S.
You're still a virgin.

I appreciate your straightforwardness, as it helps me in this tough personal situation.

However, I'm confused about how you're saying I'm still a virgin. The aborted brothel incident still involved me having intercourse for a split second?

 

[His student]

The aborted brothel incident still involved me having intercourse for a split second?

I'm a 74 year old solid Christian born again married man with 5 grown children and a dozen grandchildren.

I've been around the block more than a few times including prostitutes in Viet Nam and the Dominican Republic in my army years.

I'm taking your description of the brief contact at your word.

Having intercourse for "a split second" is nothing more than petting and a lot less than 99% of the petting I've done and had done in my 7 decades.

 

[Kaon]

When you mention I should say under the vagueness of, "I have been into some crazy things," should I leave it at that for her interpretation until she asks a question about it or should I say it along the lines of "I have past sins that I want to bring up?"

Not for interpretation necessarily; you are only one month in and it may not be necessary to pour out your entire life story right now. However, you need to be direct enough for her to understand "you have done some crazy things," and then it will be up to her whether she wants to know more about it. A woman will find out if she wants to know; your job is to not deny her the truth - not to give her details. She is a woman; she will also be able to fill in the details exquisitely; she won't need your help. Tell her the truth tersely, but honestly until you two are at a point where you can share more.

Why do you recommend I not mention "didn't finish?" I mentioned it because I feel it's an essential fact that I left midway through the act. Is it because it goes into too much detail?

Yes; it is unnecessary. As I said, a woman will be able to fill in the details very well even without details. You saying that is unnecessary, because the meat of what you want to admit is that you went to a brothel. Your activity in between "A" and "B" is too much information, especially since the circumstances were what you said (i.e. you didn't finish). If you did what you did and got herpes, for example, you would have to be completely transparent. Your completion isn't germane to the point of your honesty.

I understand you want her to know that while you did sin, you had the character and resolve to come to your senses, and leave very quickly. However, that won't matter until both of you are mature as adults who indulge in relationships, and mature as a couple - which takes several decades. Telling her that now will cause her to extrapolate what you are hiding, what you are marginalizing, and so on. You both are humans who make mistakes; she can mistake your honesty for deception.


What you should do first is talk to your Father. Ask Him exactly what you put in the OP, and I mean exactly. Talk to Him like you are talking to us, wait for His answer, an believe He will answer you.

 

[Albion]

However, I'm confused about how you're saying I'm still a virgin. The aborted brothel incident still involved me having intercourse for a split second?

I agree with you on that point, but I thought the rest of "His student's" post was good advice.

 

[helmut]

I've been dating this Christian woman for 5 months total, ... Five years ago, I went to an escort ...

I don't think it is wise to ask such question on the internet. Go to your church, ask a wise, experienced Christian for counsel. I hope that you are in a church where such Christians can be found. If not, look for it (together with your girl friend).

 

[Aussie Pete]

Thanks for your answer, Aussie Pete. It's definitely my conscience talking. When I answered her question 3 weeks ago, it didn't bother me, especially since I DO value no sex during dating, and I've followed that my whole life. But unfortunately, because of my story, I am not a virgin.

How do I know that it may be time to bring it up? How late is too late to clarify my answer from 3 weeks ago? As stated, we've been dating for 5 months, and exclusive/official for only one of those months.

Ask the Lord for wisdom. It's amazing how He can make an opening to raise subjects that are difficult. Now that you've confirmed that it is your conscience, I agree with other comments that you should tell her sometime, especially if it seems that you are getting serious. It's a matter of timing. Pray and maybe fast before you open your mouth!

 

[Aussie Pete]

I don't think it is wise to ask such question on the internet. Go to your church, ask an wise, experienced Christian for counsel. I hope that you are in a church where such Christians can be found. If not, look for it (together with your girl friend).

I don't know about that. It is easier to be objective when talking to people who do not know you.