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Featured Should I tell my new girlfriend about this past dark event?

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by DonCania, Sep 21, 2019.

  1. DonCania

    DonCania New Member

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    d
     
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2019
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  2. THE W

    THE W AFRIKANB0T

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    people tend to be more concerned about where someone is at and where they are headed than where they have been(the question she asked you was along these lines as well).

    if such things are in the distant past, let'em stay there.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2019
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  3. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla ❤️ Supporter

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    If she withheld the same how would you feel? Be brutally honest. I am not a fan of secrets, lies, or careful omissions. You want the person who accepts you as-is. Warts and all. Its going to come out eventually.
     
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  4. Paidiske

    Paidiske Clara bonam audax Supporter

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    I think the key thing is not that you went to the brothel, but that you left. If I were dating someone who told me he had intended to do something immoral (whatever that was) but couldn't go through with it, I'd think that was a pretty positive sign about his character, and does tell me something important about who he is.
     
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  5. Aussie Pete

    Aussie Pete Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Boy that is a tough question. My first inclination is no. When God forgives, He forgets. You need to know if it is your conscience talking or Satan's accusation. It also depends on the girl. I'd not say anything until you are sure that you need to. If the relationship gets serious, you may need to bring it up. You will at least find out how forgiving she is!
     
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  6. coffee4u

    coffee4u Active Member

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    The fact that you are agonizing over it means you need to tell her but you will have to do so carefully. Warm her up to what you are going to say because she is going to be disappointed at best, angry at worst. How you tell about something can make a huge difference to how it's received. Perhaps open by saying that you are troubled by a past sin and that you feel the need to confess. Give her a chance to respond to that. Then tell her you said something to her that is true now and has been for the past 5 years but wasn't true before that. Then tell her you had a sexual encounter 5 years before but knew it was wrong and became celibate after that and that you felt she needed to know. Then be silent and let her process it. A lot of people want to jump in and fill silence with more speech, don't, give her chance to think and respond. You can explain more if needed but I doubt she wants to know the details.

    Because you told her that you are waiting for marriage for everything means you gave her the wrong idea of who you are and in a sense lied to her. This is why this is bothering you so much. She believes you are as inexperienced as she is. The time to have told her without delving into things would have been when she asked. You could have said that 5 years ago you decided after some/one mistake to become celibate. This would have told her that your past wasn't squeaky clean but that you have taken celibacy seriously for quite some time. That is still the truth without giving unsavoury details. That was all you needed to have done. Always speak the truth as far as you are able to in any relationship. Telling the truth doesn't mean spilling every last detail of every sin committed, just a general idea of the big things, things that could make the other person angry/disappointed if withheld and they find out later. This allows the other person to take things in gradually and to ask questions if they want to know more. Once you have more trust in each other you can add details if you feel lead to. Nothing can ruin a relationship faster than lies or concealing things but at the same time, too many details too soon can also ruin things too. Relationships take work and so does communicating effectively. Use this experience to grow as a person.
     
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  7. THE W

    THE W AFRIKANB0T

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    is this what she actually said or is this how you interpreted the question?

    that would make a difference.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2019
  8. Albion

    Albion Facilitator

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    From your post, DonCania, I see at least three good reasons for you not to feel that you misled your girlfriend.

    She asked about dating.
    You didn't go through with the brothel episode.
    You are waiting for marriage.

    My thinking is that you should not mention it or feel guilty.
     
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  9. All4Christ

    All4Christ ✙ The Handmaid of God Laura ✙ Supporter CF Senior Ambassador

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    If you don’t tell her about it, it is important to not lie if she ever asks that question. For example if she asks have you ever gone to a brothel or been to a place like that...you shouldn’t lie.

    It’s a tough situation. As a woman, I think I’d be hurt to find that out later, but I also would be distressed to find out now. Question is whether she would consider your previous answer to be truth or a version of truth.

    My suggestion: Pray about it more. I don’t have a good answer about this current situation, except to express how I believe I would feel. (I can say however that in the future you need to be truthful if the subject comes up.)
     
  10. DonCania

    DonCania New Member

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    But I did go to the brothel and had a sexual experience, including intercourse for less than a second. My subconscious did not let me continue, and I chose to not continue, got dressed, and left.
     
  11. Greengardener

    Greengardener for love is of God Supporter

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    You've gotten good counsel here. Most of us saved as adults had large loads of sin, and I'm thankful for your sake that you repented at a lighter load. I'd add that because any contact with body fluids (mouths, noses, breasts, genitals, rectum, and non-intact skin) can make a difference in what you could potentially spread to another person, I'd recommend seeking testing for transmittable diseases. Many have no symptoms. The scriptures wisely tell us to avoid such contact and not just for issues of morality. As to your inner person, you've repented of this episode of indiscretion, and staying true to the path of repentance is your aim. As to your body, getting tested will help make sure you've checked for the potential consequences - that is if you had any intimate contact. And the reason she needs to know is for this same reason - she has the right to decide what risks she wants to take for any potential physical consequences you might have incurred because as soon as you two share any body fluids, those risks you bring to the situation are also hers.
     
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  12. Albion

    Albion Facilitator

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    I wish you had made that clear in the original post, but your attitude towards physical relations while dating still appears to be as you explained, AND I take it that she wanted to know specifically about the dating experience, what she was getting into with you, etc. Otherwise she would just have asked if you were a virgin.
     
  13. THE W

    THE W AFRIKANB0T

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    the reason why it's important to know whether she actually said that she wants to know this guy's sexual history or if this is how the guy interpreted the question is because that will determine if this guy lied or not.

    the question at face value would render this guy's incident 5 years ago impertinent information. what she wants to know is what to expect while they are dating. will this guy eventually want to hold hands, cuddle with her, try to kiss her? what expectations of physical contact will there be as they go on more dates and grow closer?

    now, obviously, if she was asking you about your sexual history, of course, you have to tell her about this. she may not have been concerned about that at all with this question but will ask you somewhere down the line. you can tell her then.

    don't ask, don't tell. do ask, do tell.
     
  14. All4Christ

    All4Christ ✙ The Handmaid of God Laura ✙ Supporter CF Senior Ambassador

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    With that in mind, I can say that I would assume that the dating question would imply asking if you were a virgin as well. You said you were waiting...which implies that you were waiting for sex until marriage. All that aside, there is more to this than just morality. There could be STDs or other issues...and she deserves to know about that risk, especially if you haven’t been tested. At minimum, get some tests.
     
  15. eleos1954

    eleos1954 God is Love Supporter

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    Perhaps ask her what she thinks about past sin and what she thinks about .... in a relationship if and when they should be talked about.

    It seems your experience was a temptation ... you didn't go through with it ... even so ... if the "thought" was a sin ... you received forgiveness and when the Lord forgives He don't continue to beat you up about it .... however satan will.

    Go ... and sin no more.

    John 8

    10Then Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are your accusers? Has no one condemned you?” 11“No one, Lord,” she answered.
    “Then neither do
    I
    condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Now go and sin no more.

    Who is your accuser?

    Revelation 12

    10 And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of his Christ: for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2019
  16. DonCania

    DonCania New Member

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    Her exact question over the phone was, "What are your physical boundaries when it comes to dating?" I answered with, "I'm waiting on marriage for everything." Thinking back, I was answering to the "dating" question, which remains true; I have never had sexual intimacy with anyone I've ever dated. However, she may be under the impression that I meant that I'm a virgin. I feel very guilty now, because I sensed my statement is a lie by omission.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2019
  17. THE W

    THE W AFRIKANB0T

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    ok, so it's your own perception of what she said...

    ...stop feeling guilty. you did not lie to her.

    if you want to tell her anyway, that's perfectly fine but you are under no moral or ethical obligation to do so. her question was about expectations of physical contact while you two are dating. in no way was this an inquiry into your sexual past.

    now if the question was "what's the furthest you've gone with a woman physically?", that's a different story.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2019
  18. Albion

    Albion Facilitator

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    I think "The W" is right about this--especially if what she asked you was as you relayed it to us, saying "Her exact question over the phone was, 'What are you physical boundaries when it comes to dating?'

    That is a well-crafted, unambiguous question. I do not believe, therefore, that it means "Have you ever had sex with anyone."

    But you are obsessed with the idea that you have deceived her, not just that you kept a sexual indiscretion secret from her. If you cannot shake that feeling, you might as well tell her and take your chances on her reaction. It could go either way, IMO.
     
  19. DonCania

    DonCania New Member

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    You have a solid point. I repented and prayed about it this situation for past three days. We had been dating for five months, and when her question came up over the phone three weeks ago, I didn't think twice about my answer. But randomly, I thought of it again three days ago and it's basically all I think about. Even when I receive a text from her, I feel nauseated with guilt. At this point, I'm leaning towards the feeling that the guilt will only go away if I tell her.
     
  20. miggles

    miggles miggles

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    it's none of her business. you don't owe her an answer.
     
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