Should I tell my new girlfriend about this past dark event?

[DonCania]

That is how men look at it. Yes the man is within his rights to say nothing - If he wants to be right and also remain single he can do that. I notice you and THE W are both single.

It isn't about being right. If he feels this woman could one day be his wife he needs to open up. She will feel lied to when she finds out much later, and she will find out. The last place he wants this coming out is on his wedding night.
This isn't about did he lie, but about her perception of it and how this could hurt their relationship. Often (wrongly) we expect men to read between the lines and I am pretty sure this was her way of asking if he was still a virgin but was too shy to say so. She is probably asking because she really likes him and hopes for something long term. She wants to know if he shares her values. If he doesn't it's still early enough for her to break things off.

The relationship you form with the person you marry is different to all others so no her asking about his past sexual experience isn't inappropriate. Your marriage partner will know you in all sorts of ways that nobody else will. The time they have spent together isn't always relevant either. Some people know immediately on meeting that they have found the person they will marry.

Op I think you sound like a wonderful man that you are taking what happend and that question to heart. I agree with the poster up thread that you are a rare breed. I think she will be a lucky woman if you become her husband.

Thank you very much for the insightful post. I really took all of your posts to heart, but I truly wanted to hear everyone's voices, especially because I am reluctant to tell her. I am praying to the Lord and deciding to tell her at the right time as need be. Today is not the right time, as "Kaon" said. But with with relationship maturity and time on both our ends, I believe in the Lord's process. Also, the "single" aspect of my profile was a default while signing up for the forum. I am indeed in a relationship, and I need to change that ASAP Thank you again, coffee4u! I couldn't have made a final decision without you and the rest of the responders. God bless!

 

[Kaon]

Read my original reply on page 1, I said he should tell the truth without dumping all the sordid details. That full details should wait until/if needed.

Right. But, as you see from the thread, the "sordid details" depend on the human interpreting the degree of the details - which is variable at best. What he believes is profound may be marginal to the next person.

That is why the OP needs to talk to his Father first.

 

[Swan7]

I've been dating this Christian woman for 5 months total, exclusive for one month, and it truly feels like God brought us together. However, a tidbit of my past just started haunting me. Five years ago, I went to an escort at a brothel in Germany. I was so subconsciously disgusted with myself that I didn't finish, (but still had intercouse for less than 2 seconds), got dressed, and ran out. I have repented since, and have prayed more about it recently. That past is long gone.

2 weeks into our exclusive relationship (1 month so far), she asked "how far do you go physically in dating?" I said, "I'm waiting for marriage on everything," and she said the same. Her question was dating-related in my eyes, and everyone I EVER dated, I've been saving for marriage, no exceptions. I omitted the fact from 5 yrs ago because I figured a month in is too short to be discussing deep secrets like this. Today, I still feel as if I misled her, since she may have construed my answer such that I'm still a virgin. Should I bring up the escort experience from 5 yrs ago, something that doesn't define who I am today? If so, how and when? I feel guilty.

If God doesn’t remember sin when we are forgiven, why on earth would you continue to remember it?
I think this is a spiritual problem. I’ve noticed after surrendering to God that I’m continually attacked in my own mind about my past as well. Things I should continue to feel guilty of which are long gone. This is a trick.

Read some passages about God’s forgiveness and allow God to guide you.

 

[bèlla]

But I did go to the brothel and had a sexual experience, including intercourse for less than a second. My subconscious did not let me continue, and I chose to not continue, got dressed, and left.

This is serious. Even if you stopped. It is one thing to have intercourse and another to do so in that setting. That’s a different scale. I think honesty is best and the longer you wait the harder it will be. You’ll have more to lose.

 

[Lost4words]

I really think that you should tell her now. You need to start as you mean to go on. Fresh slate.

This will otherwise eat you up inside.

If she really cares about you then it will be ok. You can explain everything to her.

May God bless you and give you the courage to do the right thing.

 

[devin553344]

If God doesn’t remember sin when we are forgiven, why on earth would you continue to remember it?
I think this is a spiritual problem. I’ve noticed after surrendering to God that I’m continually attacked in my own mind about my past as well. Things I should continue to feel guilty of which are long gone. This is a trick.

Read some passages about God’s forgiveness and allow God to guide you.

I get the same thing and I'm absolutely sure I'm forgiven. It's just harassment

 

[All4Christ]

The problem with full honesty is that humans think they can handle the full truth/full transparency, but we really cant. And, depending on each individual's progress in life, detailed confession could cause a premature and short-sighted response from the other party or parties.

That is why I have said the OP should be honest in degrees; one month is too early to alienate his partner. He doesn't even know who she is yet; has she evolved the same transparency OP is expected to give?

Relationships... are magnificently complex entities. Timing and maturity could be the difference between an 80 year marriage, or a 1 month relationship.

OP needs to talk to his Father, and believe He will answer - even if the answer is unsavory.

He dated her for five months at this point, not one.

 

[Kaon]

He dated her for five months at this point, not one.

I overlooked that. Five months is at the line when one should begin divulging things. But, people's "pasts" are delicate issue. Everyone thinks they want to have full disclosure, but we are humans - and we don't necessarily handle things properly even with the best intentions and highest understanding.

That is why the OP needs to talk to his Father before he starts telling secrets. And, transparency in a relationship works both ways; his partner's transparency is also important for their overall growth.

 

[DonCania]

I overlooked that. Five months is at the line when one should begin divulging things. But, people's "pasts" are delicate issue. Everyone thinks they want to have full disclosure, but we are humans - and we don't necessarily handle things properly even with the best intentions and highest understanding.

That is why the OP needs to talk to his Father before he starts telling secrets. And, transparency in a relationship works both ways; his partner's transparency is also important for their overall growth.

Yes, just under five months since first date. I mentioned one month because that was when we both decided to from dating to relationship. I will continue to talk to the Lord and pray that I bring it up at the right time and the right way.

 

[milko10]

I've been dating this Christian woman for 5 months total, exclusive for one month, and it truly feels like God brought us together. However, a tidbit of my past just started haunting me. Five years ago, I went to an escort at a brothel in Germany. I was so subconsciously disgusted with myself that I didn't finish, (but still had intercouse for less than 2 seconds), got dressed, and ran out. I have repented since, and have prayed more about it recently. That past is long gone.

2 weeks into our exclusive relationship (1 month so far), she asked "how far do you go physically in dating?" I said, "I'm waiting for marriage on everything," and she said the same. Her question was dating-related in my eyes, and everyone I EVER dated, I've been saving for marriage, no exceptions. I omitted the fact from 5 yrs ago because I figured a month in is too short to be discussing deep secrets like this. Today, I still feel as if I misled her, since she may have construed my answer such that I'm still a virgin. Should I bring up the escort experience from 5 yrs ago, something that doesn't define who I am today? If so, how and when? I feel guilty.

You can tell her this: "I am not sure what impression you got from me but I am not a virgin". And then if she asks you for details about this, simply say "I don't want to discuss this right now, it's too early and not even important, but I don't want you to worry".
Or you can simply tell her your secret the same way you described here if it makes you feel better. Probably she will understand and accept this. As for when, anytime you feel comfortable with her. Somewhere no one can hear you.

 

[Kaon]

Yes, just under five months since first date. I mentioned one month because that was when we both decided to from dating to relationship.

That's what I thought. In my humble opinion, one month of a relationship is too short to tell someone secrets - especially when, in general, it takes about 12-24 months of courtship before engagement. But, yes talk to and hear your Father.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Since it involves sex, I would tell her. You don't have to tell her the exact details. You could just simply say "I need to tell you something. You should know I screwed up in my past and lost my virginity." If she asks how you could say you began to have sex then stopped. If she asks for even more details then you are kind of stuck saying what you told us. Which I don't know how she would take such details.

Being at a brothel may really bug someone. Granted they should forgive you and move on.

 

[DonCania]

You can tell her this: "I am not sure what impression you got from me but I am not a virgin". And then if she asks you for details about this, simply say "I don't want to discuss this right now, it's too early and not even important, but I don't want you to worry".
Or you can simply tell her your secret the same way you described here if it makes you feel better. Probably she will understand and accept this. As for when, anytime you feel comfortable with her. Somewhere no one can hear you.

Thanks, I can see myself revealing it like the way you stated. It's telling the truth. I am just scared that once I say it generalized, I'll still feel guilty since I didn't say the whole story, even if she doesn't ask about the details. I truly think this is me not getting over what I had done, and not understanding that God has already forgiven me. It's hard for me to move on. Does anyone else have these recurring thoughts with past sexual-related sins?

 

[DonCania]

That's what I thought. In my humble opinion, one month of a relationship is too short to tell someone secrets - especially when, in general, it takes about 12-24 months of courtship before engagement. But, yes talk to and hear your Father.

Thank you so much for everything. God Bless you. In the meantime, how do I continue to see her and talk to her without continuously thinking about it? I'm deeply saddened I'm going to disappoint her. I have never been in a long term relationship, so I am also afraid the sexual guilts may remain with me

 

[Sketcher]

2 weeks into our exclusive relationship (1 month so far), she asked "how far do you go physically in dating?" I said, "I'm waiting for marriage on everything," and she said the same. Her question was dating-related in my eyes, and everyone I EVER dated, I've been saving for marriage, no exceptions. I omitted the fact from 5 yrs ago because I figured a month in is too short to be discussing deep secrets like this. Today, I still feel as if I misled her, since she may have construed my answer such that I'm still a virgin. Should I bring up the escort experience from 5 yrs ago, something that doesn't define who I am today? If so, how and when? I feel guilty.

I don't know how well she'll take this, but:

- Restate your previous answer and affirm that it is true, yet incomplete.
- Tell her about this non-dating encounter (be sure that you frame it outside the category of dating), and that you left before it finished. No more details than necessary to convey the point.
- Tell her that you're telling her because you value her and the relationship and truth in the relationship, and you didn't want her to assume something about you that is not true. As for whether it's before or after you drop the big bomb, you decide when that is best.
- Be ready for her to tell you about past sexual indiscretions too. You opened the can of worms, be ready for whatever to come out in kind.

However, I'm confused about how you're saying I'm still a virgin. The aborted brothel incident still involved me having intercourse for a split second?

No, you're not.

 

[milko10]

DonCania, it won't feel good to live with the guilt all the time. If she is a human who understands and accepts, you should have no problem telling the whole truth. In my opinion the details are not important but if you really feel like telling her then why not. A good relationship is built upon trust. You want to be with a person who loves and accepts you for who you are.
It would be good for you to know her views about sex in the past, then it might be easier to tell her if she is accepting. Just ask her "what would you prefer a virgin or non-virgin?". If she is not accepting then enlighten her: make her understand that there is no difference between someone who had sex and someone who had not. We are all humans, doing small or big bad things but as long as we regret the wrong doings and having a will for the good thing in life we are all worthy.

A person who cannot accept someone who is non-virgin definitely need Gods help to understand, forgive, accept and so on. Hopefully she is an accepting person.
I hope it goes well.

 

[Rebecca4Christ]

Deep down, I feel terrible because I feel like she was alluding to whether or not I'm a virgin, even though her question only had the word "dating" in it. After my response, she stated, "I'm glad you value that." Any thoughts/advice?

Imo,you should tell her now before a deeper emotional investment is made.She deserves to make the decision.It bothers you.If it bothers you enough to tell her such a private thing,I believe she will respect that and know she can trust you.For all you know,she has something in her past as well,that she is afraid to tell you.Maybe not,but this is where trust is built.
If you feel like God might have brought you together...think about this,why would God bring you together with someone not right for you or not accepting of the whole of you?

 

[DonCania]

I don't know how well she'll take this, but:

- Restate your previous answer and affirm that it is true, yet incomplete.
- Tell her about this non-dating encounter (be sure that you frame it outside the category of dating), and that you left before it finished. No more details than necessary to convey the point.
- Tell her that you're telling her because you value her and the relationship and truth in the relationship, and you didn't want her to assume something about you that is not true. As for whether it's before or after you drop the big bomb, you decide when that is best.
- Be ready for her to tell you about past sexual indiscretions too. You opened the can of worms, be ready for whatever to come out in kind.


No, you're not.

Do you think I should say it as "I had a non-dating encounter?" I feel like it's difficult to convey what a non-dating encounter is without explaining I went to an escort and had sex.

 

[coffee4u]

QUOTE="milko10, post: 74317874, member: 422373"]You can tell her this: "I am not sure what impression you got from me but I am not a virgin". And then if she asks you for details about this, simply say "I don't want to discuss this right now, it's too early and not even important, but I don't want you to worry".
Or you can simply tell her your secret the same way you described here if it makes you feel better. Probably she will understand and accept this. As for when, anytime you feel comfortable with her. Somewhere no one can hear you.[/QUOTE]

Never tell someone "Not to worry", that pretty much guarantees that they will.

Just be honest while not giving out the details. Say you had a sexual experience but don't mention it was at a brothel.

Also I agree with those who said go get tested.

 

[Sketcher]

Do you think I should say it as "I had a non-dating encounter?" I feel like it's difficult to convey what a non-dating encounter is without explaining I went to an escort and had sex.

I think it's important that you delineate it from your past dating life, which is what she asked about. But it still matters, which is why you're going to tell her about it.

What you don't want to do is:

• Tell it in a way that makes it appear that you lied to her before. You gave a true answer, but her question didn't cover the whole truth, and you want to get that out.
• Give her the impression that the woman who marries you will have to compete with a paid professional to impress you sexually. It was two seconds with enough guilt to make you leave rather than follow your instincts.
• Keep this from her. It's important, and she deserves to know.

So, you tell her, with just the right amount of information to convey the point. Not enough, and she'll miss the important fact that you stopped it early and left, or she'll think that you were lying to her earlier. Too much, and that can make her nervous. She probably doesn't need to know what the escort did prior to the two seconds, for instance. Don't tell her that stuff unless she asks.

Also, you want to frame it in a way that makes you appear more forthright and honest, which is what you're trying to be. You want her to think that you were honest before, and because you're honest, you're letting her know about this encounter which did fall outside the scope of what you discussed earlier.

I can't tell you how to package it, that's up to you.