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Featured Should I Tell my Husband about my "Emotional Affair"?

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Girl4God86, Jul 5, 2019.

  1. timothyu

    timothyu Well-Known Member

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    So you would prefer to save your own butt and blame the other person in an outside relationship over having a rational conversation about marriage and a relationship, discussing growth? Sounds a lot like Coronation Street :)
     
  2. RDKirk

    RDKirk Alien, Pilgrim, and Sojourner Supporter

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    The problem is that many husbands--males being the kind of people who want to get to the root of a problem quickly and kill it--would then ask, "So what do you want me to do to save our marriage?"

    If the wife answers, "I don't know," then that sounds like the husband can do nothing and the marriage is over.

    If the wife answers, "It's not you, it's me," then that also sounds like the husband can do nothing and the marriage is over.

    Unless the wife can say that the issue is over and is asking for forgiveness after repentance, or unless it's an issue with the husband and the wife can identify what the husband needs to change, then the matter isn't better, it's worse.
     
  3. Andrew77

    Andrew77 The walking accident Supporter

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    So in my book screwing a guy, and having a feeling, are extremely different.

    Also, there is a huge difference between getting with some other guy, when you are in fact single, and when you are engaged or married.

    Nevertheless, there are two correct answers.

    One: I don't see that you did anything wrong at all. You were not married, or engaged, and you talked to someone online. Big deal.

    Two: If you truly believe that G-d himself is telling you to fess up, then you better do it. Just do it. Get it over with.

    Both of those answers are correct.
     
  4. Foxfyre

    Foxfyre Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Do not hurt your husband to assuage your feelings of guilt or whatever. I don't think it is God that is pushing you, but it could be Satan trying to do mischief in your marriage. Take it to the Lord and ask for forgiveness, accept forgiveness, and leave it with Him. And then love your God and your husband and as Jesus would say, "Go and sin no more."
     
  5. savedthroughgrace

    savedthroughgrace New Member

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    I think we should be careful about determining what is of satan and what is of God.

    I just remember that satan is the father of lies.
     
  6. tall73

    tall73 Sophia7's husband Supporter

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    Oh get real. You want a more godly man so you lust after various people for years?

    The fact that you didn't mention the ongoing problem at first, and only now mention the years of the problem show that either you are completely self-deceived or are just messing with us.

    He is not the problem. Your constant desire for infatuation with a new person is the problem.

    Seriously that is all ridiculous. You don't see him as a leader because you are a deceptive person who is lying to him constantly and convincing yourself that he is to blame for believing it.

    Tell him, get into counseling and move forward with the marriage. You need the accountability of a counselor, and you are likely not going to be able to do that without him involved. Otherwise you have a bigger problem than what your husband thinks. You are in unrepentant sin and God is trying to convict you. What do you think happens if you don't respond?
     
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  7. Fish Catcher Jim

    Fish Catcher Jim Radically Saved

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    Greetings,
    This is a tough place to be however there are some key things to grasp.

    1. If God the Father has dealt with you to come clean and seek forgiveness from your husband then the longer you wait the more hurtful it becomes.

    2. You have created a lie and deception between the two of you and this allows your enemy the devil a right he should not have in your marriage.

    3. The longer you wait the more betrayal he will feel.

    Get alone with the Father and Pray and seek Him and cover this in Prayer and Follow His Leading.

    Do you value your Love between each other, then don't hide behind a lie and deception.

    Been there several times but on the Faithful side and what hurt most was the lies and deception. Time is key, the longer you live with this secret lie the more it hurts the other one.

    It will eventually get back to him, it ALWAYS does.
    Blessings and Love in Christ
     
  8. truefiction1

    truefiction1 Fool

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    The OP hasn't cheated physically - yet - I don't believe.
     
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2019
  9. Fish Catcher Jim

    Fish Catcher Jim Radically Saved

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    And you feel there is a difference?
    Scripture says But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

    Blessings
     
  10. truefiction1

    truefiction1 Fool

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    Yet I don't believe that Scripture says that just looking at a woman to lust after her constitutes solid grounds for divorce. If it were, who would not be divorced?
     
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  11. Fish Catcher Jim

    Fish Catcher Jim Radically Saved

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    With this type of thinking we all have the right to lust and feed the flesh.
    No friend you don't do it in the first place.
    There Is ALWAYS Consequences to our actions good or bad.

    If seeking forgiveness from the Father is all one needs then why be faithful when you can deceive and lie and just let God Forgive you. No Friend it does not work this way and this type of thinking lines up with the world and Not The Word Of God.
    Integrity, ever here of this word?

    Blessings
     
  12. MayYouBeBlessed

    MayYouBeBlessed Member

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    Tell him. Honesty is the best policy.
     
  13. ChicanaRose

    ChicanaRose Well-Known Member

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    @Girl4God86 , I agree with this. A godly man would not give attention to a married woman.

    So if you seek that outside of your husband, you will never find it.

    Pray that God will make your husband more godly. Pray for him daily.

    And stay away from ungodly affairs yourself. It is not fair for you to expect something from your husband if you are not practicing it yourself. I'm afraid that would just create a double-standard.
     
  14. timothyu

    timothyu Well-Known Member

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    It sounds like he already is the more godly and strong of the two..
     
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  15. tall73

    tall73 Sophia7's husband Supporter

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    I would suggest that the woman could say she has a problem and needs to seek Godly counsel regarding it to get help and accountability. Then it is not the husband's problem, it is hers. But it is also not beyond repair.

    If in speaking to someone who can hold her accountable it is also found that there is something the husband is doing that contributes to this then they can work on that as well.

    But at this point it sounds like this has been going on for years. And it is not likely to stop if she continues on in secret going from one to the next. She needs to come forward about it and deal with it.
     
  16. RDKirk

    RDKirk Alien, Pilgrim, and Sojourner Supporter

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    Of course a failing marriage is a problem for him. Of course not having the love and fidelity of his wife is a problem for him. There is no way the husband can accept that it's not his problem.

    And I speak from experience on that particular point.

    Not if she keeps in total secret, but nobody is advising her to keep it in total secret. I certainly did not.

    But at this point, she is actually blaming her husband. She has told us that she doesn't consider her husband man enough for her. So how do you think she's going to express the situation to him when that's her lead rationale?

    She's got to get that worked out first with other solid Christians, or she's only going to harm her husband beyond the infidelity.
     
  17. tall73

    tall73 Sophia7's husband Supporter

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    Infatuation is a bio-chemical response that feels good. And especially in an online setting where you are having interactions over a period of time, seeking out that response from the other person, you are engaging the dopamine response that reacts to searching for novel stimuli.

    If you always feel you enjoy the hunt, but not the catch, then you are addicted to that sensation of the initial phase of romantic love. But it doesn't last. It can't last, because it is not meant to. And as you have relayed the constant forming of those bonds then breaking them is painful.

    That bond is meant to be experienced with your spouse. And if you seek out help on the issue you can experience that with your spouse again. But understand that the initial infatuation gives way to a different love over time. And you have to figure out how to seek that.

    Also, God's love in the Spirit is not primarily emotional, etc. but is God working in you to want what He wants, writing the law on the heart.

    It is not enough to remove the thing that is tempting you. You have to replace it with the Spirit and a new life that comes with it. And in this case you need to rebuild things with your spouse.
     
  18. tall73

    tall73 Sophia7's husband Supporter

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    On this latter point we agree. She has to come to terms with this being an internal issue for her so that she doesn't express it as him being at the root of it.

    And to do that she has to face what is actually going on in her mind. And that is something that we might be able to help with.

    From her perspective the framing she gave the question may make sense, but when we see her first say it was something in the past, then something now, and then something ongoing for 5 years....that is clearly something unresolved within herself. And that type of feedback from the people here might be sufficient to start that realization.
     
  19. truefiction1

    truefiction1 Fool

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    It doesn't seem to me that anything I've stated condones falling into sin by giving into the passion of lust, or any of the other passions, for that matter. But if we do sin, in word or in deed, whether voluntarily or involuntarily, knowingly or unknowingly, then we have recourse to penance and confession. Humility is a greater word than integrity. The world idolizes integrity because it ties in with the sinful passion of pride, with which the world is in love. But it's false integrity for the most part, devoid of God's grace.
     
  20. Fish Catcher Jim

    Fish Catcher Jim Radically Saved

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    This makes no sense what so ever.
     
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