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Should I Tell my Husband about my "Emotional Affair"?

Discussion in 'Requests for Christian Advice' started by Girl4God86, Jul 5, 2019.

  1. dms1972

    dms1972 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,001
    Non-Denom
    Single
    I pray the OP will get the wisdom she needs, I am sorry she find herself in this place, but she needs to be completely truthful with herself. Also advice will only be as good as she is honest - if a forum is not the place or seems too risky to open up - then it might be best to speak to a qualified pastoral counsellor.

    Too many people live according to the truth of their feelings only - that's not what I mean by being truthful with oneself - Truth is something we are supposed to bring our lives into accordance with only then will feelings follow.

    We were never supposed to be the centre of our own universe, neither is someone else with feet of clay. Jesus Christ is to be the centre, and God's Glory the chief end. May He have mercy on us for being so slow to understand.
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2019
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  2. dms1972

    dms1972 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,001
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    Very sound advice.
     
  3. Jonaitis

    Jonaitis Pilgrim

    +3,239
    United States
    Reformed
    Single
    US-Republican
    It is with these situations that relationships turn me off...
     
  4. lsume

    lsume Well-Known Member Supporter

    +548
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    Married
    I’m not sure what sins you committed but I don’t have to know or be sure. You have undoubtedly confessed. Please consider the following;
    As aforementioned, I have no need to know but trust me, God already knows. You have sins that perhaps you have forgotten and sins you may not have faced. In your day, you will answer accordingly. My guess is that you have some other sin that your fiancé is unaware of. A direct question from him deserves a direct and fully honest reply. I don’t see your future husband asking you anything about an emotional affair. Prayer and fasting should give you a better and more direct answer.
     
  5. savedthroughgrace

    savedthroughgrace Member

    108
    +71
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    When I confessed my unfaithfulness to my wife I did so becaue I felt a prompting from the Lord. It struck me out of nowhere and I about hit the floor. I opened my bible app and the verse of the day was 1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." I looked for every reason not to confess. Prayed that God show me that it was best to shut up. I tried to believe that it was my guilt to bear for the rest of my life. But after a couple of days, the pressing did not go away. I knew that what I had done could come to light. I knew that if my wife found out from someone other than myself it would hurt her even more deeply. I also knew that if my wife remained unaware of my sexual sin (multiple 'levels') it would continue to grow and become worse. Sin thrives in darkness. The Lord is able to work in the light. We MUST shed light on our sin. Even if it means risking it all. We must repent from sin. Hiding sin breeds more sin. It breeds dishonesty.

    You have a difficult decision to make. One that no one can make for you. I don't agree with people making you feel bad for desiring to confess. It won't relieve the burden of guilt. I live with it everyday. It does, however, provide an avenue for Christ to move in your life. In your relationship with Him and your spouse. Unfortunately, both you and your spouse have to desire to rebuild trust and not just give up. Life is messy. We are sinful beings. Satan deceives and thrives in secrets and shadows; in the slow fade as you make one small compromise after the next.

    I pray the Holy Spirit convicts and disciplines you into following His will. Whatever that may be.
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2019
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  6. Healing with Jesus

    Healing with Jesus merciful listener

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    Dear OP, please heed the advice above from LaBella. This is true wisdom and you must listen.

    Please ignore the stone throwers. But remember what our Lord said, "Go and sin no more." John 8:1-12.

    I used to commit both emotional infidelities and sadly physical infidelities too. I wish with every ounce of my being I could go back to myself at the beginning of the marriage and say (actually scream) what I know now.

    1. GET AWAY FROM THAT GUY. Your boss, if that's the current attraction. Run for the hills and don't look back. I don't care about your electric bill or your grocery list. Forget your resume. This is your soul. Read Matthew 5:27-30. If Jesus said to pluck out your right eye and cut off your right arm, then I think He would tell you to quit your job.

    2. TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND. This will require a quiet, gentle spirit and great discernment from the Lord.

    I will be blunt with you sister... you don't yet have a quiet, gentle spirit. How do I know this? If you did, you wouldn't feel compelled to lead for your husband. I made the same mistake and wore the pants for years. It stifled his manhood and stressed me beyond belief. We might have to fix the cars, pay the bills, and take responsibility for all the guy stuff. But we're not the guy, period. Check out 1 Peter 3:1-6

    In the meantime, you have the discernment of the Lord, praise Jesus. You're reaching out frantically sister and that is amazing. I wish I had that when I was going through my period of obstinacy. Personally, I was crippled from childhood abuse and had misleading spiritual influences that I didn't recognize at the time. It took many years of grappling with God and myself to finally have peace. My husband decided to stay with me, but I dragged him through hellish places. If only I had known...

    You must always turn toward each other during times of conflict and turmoil. Right now, you have an entire empire in your head that your husband doesn't even know about. You gotta strike it down, and just abandon it completely forever. You know what it looks like to bear your cross. Likely there's something you're avoiding, I don't know what. The Lord will deal with you if you let Him. And while He's perfecting that spirit of meekness and gentleness in you, His grace will be enough.

    Trust in His grace. Don't be so afraid for your marriage that you stifle love itself, the essence of which is selflessness, truthfulness... 1 Corinthians 13.

    While the Holy Spirit renews your mind as you bathe in His Word, your spirit will transform and sexual temptation will become disgusting to you. It's not something you can just shake off. It's a work of the Spirit. To learn more about holiness and how much it means to God, read Isaiah. Start with Isaiah 1 and read through Isaiah 66.

    And lastly, but very importantly. Read 1 Corinthians 7. Make sure you have plenty of fun, intimate time with your man as you work on repairing and maintaining your marriage. This is important to form a deeper connection, to quell your burning desire, and to validate his manhood.
     
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  7. ChicanaRose

    ChicanaRose Well-Known Member

    +1,322
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    Ok, I see. Then I suggest you consult a pastor or a Christian counselor before you make a decision. You need guidance and support whether you decide to tell your husband or not.
     
  8. ChicanaRose

    ChicanaRose Well-Known Member

    +1,322
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    Do you have a strong support system of Christian women? If not, work on that ASAP. When you need emotional support, you go to your sisters in Christ, not some strange married man. God gave you the blessing of Christian sisterhood through the church--don't neglect it.
     
  9. ChicanaRose

    ChicanaRose Well-Known Member

    +1,322
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    Read Lies that Women Believe by Nancy DeMoss. If you have read it before, maybe it's time to read it again.
     
  10. RaymondG

    RaymondG Well-Known Member

    +3,558
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    When your husband starts having emotional affairs with other women, after each time one is done......would you like to be told about it? If so, tell him......If not, don't.
     
  11. Dave L

    Dave L Well-Known Member Supporter

    +5,556
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    If you repented, there's nothing worth mentioning. Build your husband's trust, don't destroy it.
     
  12. devin553344

    devin553344 I believe in the Resurrection

    +2,198
    United States
    Christian
    Single
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    You're friends are right. You shouldn't bring it up. It would come across as you still having the affair. Like "why are you telling me this, is there a problem here?"
     
  13. S.O.J.I.A.

    S.O.J.I.A. Dynamic UNO

    +2,586
    United States
    Christian Seeker
    Single
    I don't think marriage is for you. you're one of the many people who go into marriage for every other reason than it being what you wanted to do. what you actually want to do is play the field. you're not a one man woman. while you marrying the guy you have been shacked up with for some 7 years was the right thing to do from a biblical standpoint, the problem is you're not cut out for the institution of marriage...period.

    we humans being sexual beings causes us to trifle in relationships we're simply not emotionally mature enough to handle and involve ourselves with people who are bad for us. it is what it is.

    ...same for your husband. he isn't ready either. was he all these things you said he needs to be when you were shacked up with him and then changed once you married? seems like you saw marriage as the panacea cure for your problems. it never works that way.

    I think prayer is the best thing for you certainly. you need to pray for the emotional maturity to do this marriage thing. you need it badly. definitely get some fellow female counselling of some sort. let them know that you are in over your head with this marriage thing and you can use whatever advice they can give you. all the best for you and your marriage.
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2019
  14. ~Zao~

    ~Zao~ Wisdom’s child Supporter

    +924
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    Being sexual beings is the exact reason for marriage. Spiritual adultery is what is being avoided by getting married. To then go onto physical adultery is a problem with loyalty/faithfulness. How is that seen in relationship to God in your life? That would be a good place to start, in fact the only way, since your asking on a Christian forum.
     
  15. usexpat97

    usexpat97 kewlness

    +1,569
    Presbyterian
    Single
    Becoming interested in someone else AGAIN I think is where things change. There are degrees of "affairs"--I think most married people have felt wrong things at some point. God can be gracious, and you don't have to tell your spouse. BUT--you have to not repeat the behavior. This has risen above that point, though. Stronger measures become necessary. You need to either step up and seek Christian counsel and zero in on the root cause, or God will step in, and that may very likely result in your spouse figuring it out. God is looking out after him, too--not just you.
     
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  16. ChicanaRose

    ChicanaRose Well-Known Member

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    If you are dissatisfied with your husband and turn to your boss, you will be disappointed again, because:

    "Familiarity breeds contempt"

    If you get involved with this man, you will eventually become familiar with his flaws and would want to turn to someone else again.

    And you are not perfect either. None of us are. Perhaps there are some things your husband doesn't like about you, but he is bearing with you and remaining faithful to you. I think the least you could do for him is reciprocate.
     
  17. RaymondG

    RaymondG Well-Known Member

    +3,558
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    For those saying that she should not tell, would you also want to be kept in the dark if your spouses were cheating on you?

    I think he deserves to know and deserves a chance to decide if he wants a faithful wife or to stay with the one he has....
     
  18. bèlla

    bèlla ma belle vie Supporter

    +13,300
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    I don’t agree with deception and would have a serious issue with my partner if he manipulated me this way. From my perspective, the deception removes my right to consider the wedding in light of his failings. If this happened to me I wouldn’t go forward.
     
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  19. ChicanaRose

    ChicanaRose Well-Known Member

    +1,322
    United States
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    I had not thought of it this way until you mentioned it, but that makes perfect sense.

    He signed the marriage contract (i.e. took vows) under a false impression (that she is faithful) and lacking essential information (about her issues). When things like this happen in any other contract--whether it is a lease or a job--we call it a scam.

    I am changing my position now that she should address this with her husband. I just hope that she finds the right timing, setting, and the support system to accomplish this.

    Thank you for your keen insight.
     
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  20. truefiction1

    truefiction1 Fool

    +2,066
    United States
    Eastern Orthodox
    Married
    Confess the sin to your father confessor in the Sacrament of Holy Confession. Then forget about it (it's no more) and follow Christ. It's harmful and dangerous to dwell on past sins, and very important to look only to Christ for what we need.
     
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