Should I Tell my Husband about my "Emotional Affair"?

RDKirk

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Okay, I am going to cut to the chase. The root of the problem is that there is a void in your relationship with your current husband. There is some need that isn't being fulfilled and you are seeking it somewhere else. To help identify what your need is, ask yourself what it is about your boss that is drawing you towards him and ask yourself what is lacking in your husband. I highly recommend seeking marriage counseling. I wouldn't go as far as telling your husband about your growing feelings with your boss. I would recommend talking to him about your needs that are going unfulfilled. Until that void is filled, you will continue struggling with this problem. Lastly and probably most importantly, you need to set some very clear boundaries between yourself and your boss. No going out for lunch together, no flirting, ect. If this is impossible for you to do, you may need to find another job.

I almost agree with this, except that I disagree with the presumption that the problem is necessary the husband's fault.

Many times, people expect things from their spouses that aren't legitimate needs or desires to begin with, or are impossible to provide because it's that person himself who has issues.
 
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ilovejcsog

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Being sexual beings is the exact reason for marriage. Spiritual adultery is what is being avoided by getting married. To then go onto physical adultery is a problem with loyalty/faithfulness. How is that seen in relationship to God in your life? That would be a good place to start, in fact the only way, since your asking on a Christian forum.
Unfortunately, she is still married and testing the waters. She shouldn't be married if she is going to play around and lust is just as bad as the act itself. I consider her non sexual affairs are still lust and then considered adultery. She is between a rock and a hard place where being single she would still sin. She needs the rock, Jesus a constant companion until her head is on straight. Talking to her friends? I don't get that Who of anyone takes a friends advice, in the long run they do whatever they decide to do. She is responsible for her actions and that is the way it should be not her friends.
 
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bèlla

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He signed the marriage contract (i.e. took vows) under a false impression (that she is faithful) and lacking essential information (about her issues).

Exactly. She was advised to remain quiet so the marriage would go forward. But the behavior hasn’t ceased and she fears he’ll leave. That’s the real issue with telling the truth.

I couldn’t build a life with a partner who’d save themselves at my expense.
 
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timothyu

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Details are often unnecessary. What you may need is simple conversation with your spouse.

You could always say to your husband, 'You know what ****? There are times i feel like I shouldn't be here, but I've made a commitment to you. We are new at this. I don't know if the problem is me, you, us or just that something is not right with this picture. Any ideas what it could be? Am i unreliable or perhaps is it something about you or this that bothers me? Can we talk and try and figure this out? I would appreciate your help in figuring this out.
 
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RDKirk

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Details are often unnecessary. What you may need is simple conversation with your spouse.

You could always say to your husband, 'You know what ****? There are times i feel like I shouldn't be here, but I've made a commitment to you. We are new at this. I don't know if the problem is me, you, us or just that something is not right with this picture. Any ideas what it could be? Am i unreliable or perhaps is it something about you or this that bothers me? Can we talk and try and figure this out? I would appreciate your help in figuring this out.

As a husband of 35 years, there would be nothing I could do with that.
 
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Swan7

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Ask the Spirit and take your question to God.

If you want the answer from the (black and white) law : James 5:16, Matthew 5:23-24

Rather than listen to man, take your issue to God and ask for Him to deal with the issue in your heart that is leading you away from your husband, either physically or emotionally.... after you take it to God... s8nce you say you have.....be soft hearted enough to allow Him to take it as your flesh and your mind will not want to give it up.

The problem with taking your problem to other human beings is that man can only offer up wisdom.... the issue doesnt lie in the brain, but the heart.... only God can change the heart of wicked mankind.

Very much agreed to this. Going to God should be first, even so in all things we do and say. :yellowheart: What He has for us is for our best - always.
 
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~Zao~

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Unfortunately, she is still married and testing the waters. She shouldn't be married if she is going to play around and lust is just as bad as the act itself. I consider her non sexual affairs are still lust and then considered adultery. She is between a rock and a hard place where being single she would still sin. She needs the rock, Jesus a constant companion until her head is on straight. Talking to her friends? I don't get that Who of anyone takes a friends advice, in the long run they do whatever they decide to do. She is responsible for her actions and that is the way it should be not her friends.
“she’s between a rock and a hard place where being single she would still sin” That does bring the problem to where it counts. Faithfulness to God. And leaves out the pain of involving someone else.
Being that she is married she now has doubled the sin to involve someone else besides God, but fidelity is still the question on both counts. Hopefully she will see that the problem is between her and God, firstly. Then and only then will she be able to receive the proper counselling in the right context. If it is not seen as a sin against God then what difference does it make? Just another sinner sinning with no regard to what they profess to believe.
 
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RaymondG

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Confess the sin to your father confessor in the Sacrament of Holy Confession. Then forget about it (it's no more) and follow Christ. It's harmful and dangerous to dwell on past sins, and very important to look only to Christ for what we need.
So if your wife were to cheat on you, you would like it if others told her not the tell you and to just tell christ and move on? Every time it is done?
 
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RaymondG

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Exactly. She was advised to remain quiet so the marriage would go forward. But the behavior hasn’t ceased and she fears he’ll leave. That’s the real issue with telling the truth.

I couldn’t build a life with a partner who’d save themselves at my expense.

And she is still being advised to remain quiet now! Just keep on cheating and dont tell your husband because you may get hurt in the end.

I think the issue is we always tried to help the side we hear, and just disregard the feelings and truth of the side we dont hear.

We dont care about the feelings of the husband..because we dont hear his feelings. We are like hired lawyers that will do whatever it takes to get our clients off whether they are in the wrong or not. These, however, are not righteous judgements.....
 
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bèlla

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And she is still being advised to remain quiet now! Just keep on cheating and dont tell your husband because you may get hurt in the end.

Indeed. I take my concerns to God and limit my questions to persons whose walk and fruit exemplify their profession. A stranger may be a follower in name only.

We dont care about the feelings of the husband..because we dont hear his feelings. We are like hired lawyers that will do whatever it takes to get own clients off whether they are in the wrong or not. These, however, are not righteous judgements.....

I believe that’s a reflection of our moral compass. I have zero tolerance for deception. I prefer the truth always. It’s my responsibility to deal with the unpleasantness of its utterance.

Oftentimes silence has little to do with the other party and is wholly concerned with the consequences their deception would bring.

It is impossible for me to disregard her spouse. I needn’t hear from him. Placing myself in his position and considering my reaction to the same is enough.

If the situation were reversed and he was the guilty party most women would tell her to leave. Few would advise her to stick it out and those who did would be unwilling to hold to that suggestion for a second offense.
 
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RaymondG

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It's going to take me some time to wrap my head around this concept.

An emotional affair is worse than physical. Once you have the heart, you have everything. You can get drunk and give up your body, and not remember it. You can never give your heart without your mind and full attention being given to that purpose.....and it is not something easily taken back, once given.....Any physical relations given afterwards are secondary....maybe even arbitrary.
 
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RDKirk

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And she is still being advised to remain quiet now! Just keep on cheating and dont tell your husband because you may get hurt in the end.

Nobody is saying "keep on cheating."

That's a strawman argument.
 
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RaymondG

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Nobody is saying "keep on cheating."

That's a strawman argument.
it is implied......She said she cheated once before....we say..."Dont tell" She says she got emotionally involved AGAIN, and we say "There is no value in telling." one can only assume that the answer would remain the same no matter how many times the OP writes this......or maybe one can make an arbitrary number up, after which she should tell.....but such a happening would devalue any argument for not telling in the beginning.

But I guess what I meant to say was..."dont tell not matter how many times you cheat" And not "keep on cheating."

And I prefer stickmen.
 
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bèlla

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The initial post did not reveal the second attraction. It was acknowledged at a later point. The early responses were based on limited information.

It’s probable that some respondents haven’t read the thread and reply without realizing the problem is ongoing.
 
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RDKirk

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it is implied......She said she cheated once before....we say..."Dont tell" She says she got emotionally involved AGAIN, and we say "There is no value in telling." one can only assume that the answer would remain the same no matter how many times the OP writes this......or maybe one can make an arbitrary number up, after which she should tell.....but such a happening would devalue any argument for not telling in the beginning.

But I guess what I meant to say was..."dont tell not matter how many times you cheat" And not "keep on cheating."

And I prefer stickmen.

Nobody is saying that. Everyone is saying that the cheating must stop.
 
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RaymondG

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Nobody is saying that. Everyone is saying that the cheating must stop.
I guess my concern is not with the cheating.... It is the withholding of information from the one being cheated on. We are advising that information is withheld even though we know of multiple accounts of cheating.
Hope I explained my concern better this time.....
 
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RDKirk

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I guess my concern is not with the cheating.... It is the withholding of information from the one being cheated on. We are advising that information is withheld even though we know of multiple accounts of cheating.
Hope I explained my concern better this time.....

We online do not have enough "ground truth" of the situation to give that as blanket advice. Even as we speak, we get additional information in bits and dribbles that change the nature of the issue.

Right now, the OP is blaming her husband for essentially not being "man enough" for her.

That's why I advise that she get face-to-face Christian counseling from people who know them both, which may or may not call for her to work out numerous issues within herself and more clearly identifying what role, exactly, her husband is to play.
 
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GirdYourLoins

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Details are often unnecessary. What you may need is simple conversation with your spouse.

You could always say to your husband, 'You know what ****? There are times i feel like I shouldn't be here, but I've made a commitment to you. We are new at this. I don't know if the problem is me, you, us or just that something is not right with this picture. Any ideas what it could be? Am i unreliable or perhaps is it something about you or this that bothers me? Can we talk and try and figure this out? I would appreciate your help in figuring this out.
I dont post on here much any more, but this needs a response. To me this is about the worst thing you could do. To go to your spouse and say there is something wrong with our marriage but not saying what it is would leave an impression that you are not happy in the marriage and it is broken.

I think a better way to approach this would be to say that there was someone who was trying to get close to you and trying to form an attachment to you that you felt uncomfortable with so you broke off any further contact as you felt they were going beyond the acceptable level for a friend. Make it a positive statement that you (the OP) chose the husband over this other person.
 
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