Relations

[Beth S.]

So he sired a kid at 17? I guess it happens.
I noticed my desires starting to wane by the late 20s - but not too much . Everyone is different.

So have him get a prescription already..,

Maybe you have done this already, but ask him what specific stuff turned him on as a teen, in his 20s, etc. Ask for ALL of it. Then pick out a thing or 2 to start doing ... (time it with the start of the T supplements)

Good idea, thanks. I will ask him.

 

[Dave-W]

That seems completely unreasonable and inappropriate for modern life. Who on Earth even has time for that?

Anyone who cares about their spouse's well-being.

 

[Dave-W]

Good idea, thanks. I will ask him.

While you are at it, you may also want to ask him how often he did the "solo" deed as a teen. It will give you a baseline for what is potentially possible if his T levels go back up. (that assumes he was not trying to suppress his desires then)

 

[Poppyseed78]

I'm really offended by someone saying this woman has an "overactive" sex drive. Like, really really offended.

 

[Dave-W]

I'm really offended by someone saying this woman has an "overactive" sex drive. Like, really really offended.

While it is never specifically addressed in the NT besides 1 Cor 7 saying that spouses are COMMANDED to keep their mate satisfied; the OT seems to have a general assumption that women's drives are higher than men's.

Pagan Greek culture (from the writings of Hippocrates circa 400 bc) assumed women had no sexual drive or feelings (despite lots of evidence to the contrary), and that did not change in western society until about a century ago.

Anyone that gets offended by truth needs to be offended. They can just deal with it.

 

[Jon Osterman]

I'm really offended by someone saying this woman has an "overactive" sex drive. Like, really really offended.

Why? It has nothing to do with you.

 

[Dave G.]

I'm really offended by someone saying this woman has an "overactive" sex drive. Like, really really offended.

I'm not offended but I agree that she has a right to high libido, a few times a week for a couple in their 30's is not unreasonable imo.

 

[Poppyseed78]

Why? It has nothing to do with you.

I just think that shaming a woman for her sex drive is a damaging thing to do. The issue is how to manage the disparity between her drive and her husband's, and how to resolve it in a mutually satisfactory way. Her drive isn't the problem. And how she feels about the situation is completely valid. Matters of intimacy can deeply affect one's self-esteem. The last thing any woman needs is another assault on her self-esteem.

 

[PeachieKeen]

So glad to hear of someone having the same issues. I did talk to him and he said he would have sex just for me, but it hurt me that he said that and made me feel gross since he doesn't want to have sex with me on his own so I told him NO, I don't want him doing it just to make me happy. It just doesn't seem right. Maybe he and I need to talk again.

Yeah, I definitely hear you. That's why I asked my husband to initiate it the few times a week we do. That way it still allows me to Feel attractive and desired in that moment.

That seems like a lot! I am surprised he agreed to that!

I don't particularly like sex either. I will have sex if my wife asks and it is reasonable, but I don't see why I should initiate something I don't like.

My husband likes sex, he just has a tendency to be lazy about everything that isn't urgent. Since we can have sex whenever, it's not a priority and he isn't very motivated. As a partner when I let him know it matters to me, he decided to make a more conscious effort to make it a priority sometimes.

I think you mean "does NOT have..."?

I mentioned the first century marriage contracts from Judea (bible times) The (minimum) amount of sex was based on the husband's occupation. If it was a job that kept him home (not traveling) and was not overly physically exerting, the minimum was daily.

So you are right in line there.

Yes, whoops. I'm on my phone so typos galore. But i do mean that he does not have.

 

[Jon Osterman]

I just think that shaming a woman for her sex drive is a damaging thing to do. The issue is how to manage the disparity between her drive and her husband's, and how to resolve it in a mutually satisfactory way. Her drive isn't the problem. And how she feels about the situation is completely valid. Matters of intimacy can deeply affect one's self-esteem. The last thing any woman needs is another assault on her self-esteem.

And yet your view is that his sex Drive is the problem. How hypocritical.

 

[FLA865]

Delete

 

[Poppyseed78]

And yet your view is that his sex Drive is the problem. How hypocritical.

Lol no, I specifically said the issue is resolving the disparity between the differences in their drives, so that both parties are in agreement.

 

[Guy Incognito]

And yet your view is that his sex Drive is the problem. How hypocritical.

That's not what she said. And yeah, it's a part of the problem (out of match drives can be).

 

[Dave-W]

. I highly doubt that he is not attracted to you or it never would have gotten as far as marriage.

In most cases, I would agree.

But the congregation I attended in college told all of us NEVER EVER marry someone you are sexually attracted to.

They believed any kind of sexual attraction BEFORE you said "I Do" was sinful lust.

 

[Jon Osterman]

They believed any kind of sexual attraction BEFORE you said "I Do" was sinful lust.

Of course it is! Do you think God approves of you going around lusting after women?

 

[Deidre32]

I think part of it, is that women want to feel ...wanted. My husband has a high sex drive, and I enjoy having sex with him, but I don't initiate. He always initiates, and then it goes from there...and I think part of what I enjoy about that isn't only the pleasure, but that he desires me. Maybe that is more of the point you need to explain to your husband, OP. I think if he initiated, it would show you that he desires you.

 

[Dave-W]

Of course it is! Do you think God approves of you going around lusting after women?

Being physically attracted to some one is NOT sinful lust.
Having sexual feelings is NOT sinful lust.
Being curious about sex is NOT sinful lust.

They taught that all of that was lust. They taught that you ONLY marry someone who did not elicit any kind of physical response whatsoever.

That way what ever you did after you got married was based on CHOICE and not on feelings.

 

[Jon Osterman]

Being physically attracted to some one is NOT sinful lust.
Having sexual feelings is NOT sinful lust.
Being curious about sex is NOT sinful lust.

And what led you to "realise" that it was not? Is it because you wanted to hide your sin from God, so made up a plausible counter story?

They taught that all of that was lust. They taught that you ONLY marry someone who did not elicit any kind of physical response whatsoever.

That way what ever you did after you got married was based on CHOICE and not on feelings.

And they were right. Making an informed, logical and balanced choice is always preferable to acting in sin. You don't make lust not a sin by calling it "feelings".

 

[Dave-W]

And what led you to "realise" that it was not?

A couple of things:

1 When I realized they were controlling people and secretly arranging marriages. Not letting people make their own decisions about whom to marry and using an arrangement with the prettiest girls as rewards for hundreds or thousands of hours of unpaid service to the congregation, especially to the elders.

2 My own bible study on the topic.

And they were right.

Really? They were known to forcibly dissolve engagements because they thought the couple might have desires for each other. Even moving people to other congregations hundreds of miles away.
That was "right?"

A sister congregation in upstate New York actually dissolved ALL existing engagements at one point.
That was "right?"

And publicly shaming (as in standing in front of the congregation) people for having wet dreams or masturbating.
That was "right?"

You don't make lust not a sin by calling it "feelings".

And you don't call normal hormonal sexual desire (including wet dreams) sinful lust.

They believed everyone should have the sex drive of a 5 year old until after the "I Dos," and then it comes it at full adult strength.

If there was a problem with that, it was all fixed by telling the wife to "SUBMIT."

 

[Jon Osterman]

1 When I realized they were controlling people and secretly arranging marriages. Not letting people make their own decisions about whom to marry and using an arrangement with the prettiest girls as rewards for hundreds or thousands of hours of unpaid service to the congregation, especially to the elders.

Well, I don't know the individual circumstances of your own church. It sounds like they were abusing their position of trust. But that doesn't make them wrong about everything and lust is still a sin.

2 My own bible study on the topic.

Oh, I see. You are smarter than all the biblical scholars who came before you. I hadn't realised. My bad.

And you don't call normal hormonal sexual desire (including wet dreams) sinful lust.

Why not? I have never had a wet dream in my life. Maybe you need to take a long look at your life, pray harder, and ask God's forgiveness.