Recurring Problem

[Andrew2592]

She has told me that in years passed. It became my mission to find out what she was lacking. I corrected it.

Evidently you haven't corrected it because you made a topic about it and from reading your replies doesn't seem as if it's corrected,JMO...

 

[OK Jeff]

Desire is a want and not a word which supports the truth of unconditional love. A better perspective is adore. In this way we adore unconditional love that your wife has in her. Be grateful to witness it, for it is the expression of her truth. It is fearless, reliable, doubtless, unconditional (no wants/needs), it is rare and most precious. Instead of desire, adore her by loving her unconditional love that loves you.

It is a love that is found without wanting/desiring.

Adoration leads to Devotion which leads to Oneness.

But she gets unconditional love from me. I'm the one lacking.

 

[OK Jeff]

Evidently you haven't corrected it because you made a topic about it and from reading your replies doesn't seem as if it's corrected,JMO...

Opposite end of the spectrum. When she wasn't getting what she needed to feel loved, I corrected it. I made major changes to my life, myself. Now it's me who isn't feeling loved. She isn't willing to do anything about it. To be honest, out marriage is very good in virtually every way except this one.

 

[Ahermit]

But she gets unconditional love from me. I'm the one lacking.

If you were loving unconditionally then how can you be lacking, wanting, needing? These are all conditional. Conditional love is like saying "I'll love you in any way you wish" (thinking you are unconditional), but secretly expecting something in return. If you love to be loved, that is conditional and never fully satisfying. Unconditional love is fulfilling (to yourself) because without any conditions getting in the way you are vacant for yourself to be fully engulfed in love. That is, you ARE love. There is no lacking, need or want for love, because you are it (love).

To be unconditional requires you to be 100% truthful. You see, Truth and Love are exactly the same thing. Truth is, and Love is its expression/symptom. Both Truth and Love is reliable, trustworthy, doubtless, never changing, always present, secure, fearless, and unconditional (not needing or wanting anything) for it is complete and true (no strings attached).

 

[OK Jeff]

I should apologize as yesterday I was speaking from anger and frustration.

I feel closer to her, loved by her when we are intimate. (All men do, it's a statistical fact). Long periods of time without it get very frustrating for me. Makes me feel unwanted, unappreciated. I don't know how I can make her understand this. It's the intimacy I feel when we're "together" that i crave.
Marriage isn't all about the woman's needs. We men have needs as well. This seems to always get over looked, disregarded, trivialized. Even here, my attempts to describe the importance this has to me, has been met with degrading response. It's still believed, no matter how I say otherwise, "it's just about lust" and I'm wrong to need her touch. It's not about that. It's about closeness, togetherness, sharing that one bond that's only us.
We don't have the typical life where I go to work every morning, and come home at night. I farm, she stays home, even homeschools our son. (In fact I'm typing this from a tractor). We spend an abnormal amount of time together and we both love it. We talk openly about everything. We see to each other's needs without complaint. All except this one. I'm going to stop as I'm getting myself agitated again. But I hope this explains myself a bit better.

 

[OK Jeff]

Why Sex Is So Important to Your Husband

 

[OK Jeff]

Says it better than I can

 

[Dave-W]

Why Sex Is So Important to Your Husband

Another good article:

Sexual Rejection’s Effect On A Marriage

 

[OK Jeff]

Excellent read. Thank you for sharing. It's exactly how I feel

 

[Dave-W]

Desire is a want and not a word which supports the truth of unconditional love. A better perspective is adore. In this way we adore unconditional love that your wife has in her. Be grateful to witness it, for it is the expression of her truth. It is fearless, reliable, doubtless, unconditional (no wants/needs), it is rare and most precious. Instead of desire, adore her by loving her unconditional love that loves you.

It is a love that is found without wanting/desiring.

Adoration leads to Devotion which leads to Oneness.

I have a problem with this post on many levels.

I would suggest a book here: Kosher Lust by rabbi Shmuley Boteach:

 

[OK Jeff]

Dave thank you for that. I was starting to think I was so far off reasonable thinking maybe I'm hopeless.

 

[Dave-W]

Here is another article that asks an interesting question:

Is It A Sin To Refuse Sex To Your Spouse?

It starts off:

“Why don’t churches talk about sexual refusal?” he asked. He explained that his wife of 28 years quit being sexual with him some six years ago. She said she wasn’t interested. He asked her to seek help; she replied that it was his problem.

Now he’s had enough. He’s divorcing her. She’s telling the folks at church that she has no idea why he’s divorcing her and that he’s a bad husband. He wants to go to those folks and tell them what’s really going on.
​

In my opinion what needs to happen is the Matthew 18 process:

15 “If your brother [or, in this case, wife] sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16 But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.​

This guy already did the first stage from verse 15. He told her the problem. But then he needed witnesses to also tell her that sexual refusal is sin and in violation of 1 Cor 7. If she rejected that it needs to be told to the whole church.

 

[tall73]

Well, her mom would discipline her harshly for even talking to boys. She called her a harlot if she wore anything too revealing.

So her overall view of sex is still negative?

 

[tall73]

So I'm wrong to desire my wife?

No, you are not.

Prov 5:18 May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

 

[OK Jeff]

Not that she's ever indicated to me. The quality of sex is we have is exceptional. It's like we truly are one flesh. It's just the quantity is often lacking. When she wants it, it's out of this world. But when she doesn't, I'm in my own world.

So her overall view of sex is still negative?

 

[Ahermit]

I have a problem with this post on many levels.
I would suggest a book here: Kosher Lust by rabbi Shmuley Boteach:

IMHO. As long as you refer to sex as an exercise of lust you will always have your recurring problem.

 

[Dave-W]

IMHO. As long as you refer to sex as an exercise of lust you will always have your recurring problem.

I would guess you have NOT read that book to see what the author is actually saying.

Lust is neither good or bad, it is just an intense desire. The Greek word is epithumeo. Consider this verse, with Our Lord speaking: (based on Youngs Literal Trans)

Luke 22:15
and he said unto them, `With [lust] I [lusted] to eat this Passover with you before my suffering,​

Both instances of [lust] are forms of epithumeo - normally translated "lust."

So are you trying to tell me that marital sex should be without normal desires?

 

[OK Jeff]

I would guess you have NOT read that book to see what the author is actually saying.

Lust is neither good or bad, it is just an intense desire. The Greek word is epithumeo. Consider this verse, with Our Lord speaking: (based on Youngs Literal Trans)

Luke 22:15
and he said unto them, `With [lust] I [lusted] to eat this Passover with you before my suffering,​

Both instances of [lust] are forms of epithumeo - normally translated "lust."

So are you trying to tell me that marital sex should be without normal desires?

That's precisely what I'm gathering.

 

[Goatee]

My wife was so so fridgid. She admitted it many times. She didnt want sex at all. I was very frustrated. MASSIVELY so. Eventually I strayed approx 3 years ago as stated. Marriage was slipping downhill anyway.

Now divorce is nearly finalised.

Hope you and your wife can sort out this issue. Don't let it destroy your marriage like it did mine.

God bless you both

 

[OK Jeff]

I'm going to have to try talk to her, I know. This is the one topic we can't talk about. But I'm determined to figure out how.