So with the mood I was in yesterday, I got pretty snippy with her a couple times, and she got the cold shoulder all day. She didn’t seem to even notice. But when she came to bed about 1:30, she woke me up and.......
Women can be complex creatures. My outlook today is confusion.
I'm just wondering if it's that the two of you are "right back where you were".....or if it's that your insecurity has your perception of your relationship in a bad place (that is what it seems more likely to me).I thought I was onto something. Things were better, deeper, more affectionate. But we’re back where we were. With her absolutely unwilling to offer feedback, I’m guessing at the problem. I’m getting tired of trying.
I’m certain it absolutely has to be my fault. But I’m lost as to what I’m doing wrong, and have been for 14 years.
Chip Ingram said:The final barrier is historical barriers--our history, our roots. It’s our baggage from the past and some have more than others.
There are family upbringings which produce different values. There are differences in geography whether it is from another country or someone from the city or the suburbs. There are communication styles. In my home, everyone talked at the same time and no one listened. At her home, no one talked.
I can still remember we were early dating when we had this car drive together. I’m in love with this gal and we have this forty-five minute drive and I thought, wow, this is going to be great. My love language is meaningful conversation.
So, we’re going to have this great talk and we’re driving through the country and I noticed she was quiet now and then. I just thought to myself, I tend to start the conversations. I’m going to let her start this time.
So, I’m driving. It’s been five minutes and no one’s said anything. She looks at me and smiles. Looks out, you know, and there are cows on the hill that I didn’t notice and a blue sky and trees and…
What’s the deal here? She must be mad at me. Here’s my insecurity, right?
Okay, now its ten minutes of driving—then, 15 minutes, then, 30 minutes, 35 minutes—and I’m about to bust. I’ll tell you what, the moment she opens her mouth…
Man, I thought we were going to have this good…man, I tell you what. She, you know, I bet she doesn’t like me, she doesn’t…I mean, there’s a big problem. Why is she’s stone walling me. I can’t figure…
It is 45 minutes later; we round this bend and get out of the car. I’m thinking, this is the worst 45 minutes of my life. I’m going to give her a piece of my mind. I’m going to tell her, if you treat me like this, I thought, you were, you know, the right one and now I kind of have my doubts.
She gets out of the car, turns to me, and she goes, “Chip, wasn’t this a great time?”
You know, I’m biting my lip. “Wasn’t this a great time?”
And she goes, “You know, it’s just so good. Nature so refreshes my soul. Thanks for just being understanding and giving me some room on this trip.”
She goes, “Did you notice the cows and look at those trees and the wildflowers as we came.” She goes, “This was such a neat time together.”
Ahhhhh! I’m thinking, are you kidding me? I mean, my blood pressure’s up to here. I’m just waiting for one little move so I can pound her for being so insensitive and then the little light went on. I realized we are REALLY different.
Now, we don’t have those same 45 minute drives anymore, but I have learned when to give her room and she’s learned to initiate conversation.
From what I'm reading....I don't think that's such a good idea in this case. Jeff has written that nighttime is her quiet alone time. For a home-schooling mom.....that time is probably golden and much appreciated (and needed!).I would also work diligently on calibrating the bedtimes.
From what I'm reading....I don't think that's such a good idea in this case. Jeff has written that nighttime is her quiet alone time. For a home-schooling mom.....that time is probably golden and much appreciated (and needed!).
Indeed.It really is funny to recognize how much f our own struggles originate in our own minds.
Jeff....this is so heartwarming to read. The tone of your post really does seem different.....much more endeared to your wife.....and almost serene. Like a big sigh of relief.This unveiling gave me access to a part of her, a flawed part, that I never recognized. The her I was choosing to see was was too strong to have struggles, to suffer brokenness, to fall into temptation to find refuge from her own insecurities. Turns out she’s human after all.
After the initial shock wore off (this was something in her past that is so out of character, I couldn’t believe it), we are indeed closer than ever. She’s always told me I put her on a pedestal, I wasn’t even sure what she meant by that, until now. Indeed I did. This unveiling gave me access to a part of her, a flawed part, that I never recognized. The her I was choosing to see was was too strong to have struggles, to suffer brokenness, to fall into temptation to find refuge from her own insecurities. Turns out she’s human afterall. For 14 years I’ve unwittingly seen her as too good for me, better than me. But she isn’t, she’s perfect for me. She’s the mate my Heavenly Father created just for me.
My pet name for her at the present time is “beautiful mess”, said jokingly of course.
It really is funny to recognize how much f our own struggles originate in our own minds.
What pain, sorry.........Was like that for me. 31 years together and last 10 years NO physical contact.
Unfortunately I then had an affair a few years ago.
Don't let it get as bad as it did for me. You both need to talk about this and maybe seek professional advice too.
God bless you both.
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